Inside My Haunted Head -- What It's Like to be a Schizophrenic

[unhappycamper]

Inside My Haunted Head -- What It's Like to be a Schizophrenic
Daily Kos / By Keori

November 7, 2010 | I'm known among my cohorts as a badass. I'm have academic specialties in law and defense intelligence. I have ten years of military service under my belt. I am an expert markswoman with the M-4, the M-16, and the SigSauer P226 .45 handgun.

And I can be brought to my knees, senseless and useless, curled in a corner and crying like a little child, by the monsters in my head.

I have type I schizophrenia, depersonalization disorder, and complex PTSD. Want some fries with that?

When most people hear the word "schizophrenia," the image that runs through their minds is that of a homeless person, unwashed and gaunt, rambling the streets muttering to him- or herself, occasionally breaking out in screams and seemingly random flailing. I confess, there are days when I do feel like doing exactly that. However, the majority of people with schizophrenia are, in fact, functioning members of society. We just need a little help. We are not violent. We are not stupid. We merely have some malfunctions going on upstairs.

In me, the schizophrenia manifests itself as severe paranoia, with aural, visual, and tactile hallucinations. When I'm having a psychotic episode, I see, hear, and feel things that aren't there. I'm perfectly aware they aren't there. Again, I'm not stupid. Still, it doesn't make functioning any easier to know that the monsters waving in the periphery are only figments of the electrical pulses in my brain. Have you ever tried having a conversation with a friend or co-worker when other people were demanding your attention right then? Imagine that the other people are invisible and inaudible, and try to carry on the discussion. Try going grocery shopping with a constant barrage of yelling being directed at you. Try to study with constant movement in your peripheral vision, and random taps on the shoulder.

[nenagh]

1. unhappycamper, I read this on Kos...

She is amazing, and thank you for posting this to DU.. :)

[democrank]

2. Thanks

Glad to see someone openly discussing mental health issues.

[verdalaven]

3. Thank you for posting

I was discouraged at the end to find she was unemployed and uninsured. :( I hope she can change that very soon.

[HuckleB]

4. K & R,