REUNION OF A 60 YEAR OLD LADY

[babylonsister]

Edit to add: this was an e-mail I received. I'm not yet 60, nor do I wear girdles (but I remember them!) or go to reunions. :D


REUNION OF A 60 YEAR OLD LADY


I had prepared for it like any intelligent woman would. I went on a starvation diet the day before, knowing that all the extra weight would just melt off in 24 hours, leaving me with my sleek, trim, high-school-girl body. The last forty years of careful cellulite collection would just be gone with a snap of a finger.

I knew if I didn't eat a morsel on Friday, that I could probably fit into my senior formal on Saturday. Trotting up to the attic, I pulled the gown out of the garment bag, carried it lovingly downstairs, ran my hand over the fabric, and hung it on the door.

I stripped naked, looked in the mirror, sighed, and thought, "Well, okay, maybe if I shift it all to the back..." Bodies never have pockets where you need them.

Bravely, I took the gown off the hanger, unzipped the shimmering dress and stepped gingerly into it. I struggled, twisted, turned, and pulled and I got the formal all the way up to my knees... before the zipper gave out. I was disappointed. I wanted to wear that dress with those silver sandals again and dance the night away.

Okay, one setback was not going to spoil my mood for this affair. No way! Rolling the dress into a ball and tossing it into the corner, I turned to Plan B: the black crepe caftan.

I gathered up all the goodies that I had purchased at Saks: the scented shower gel; the body building and highlighting shampoo & conditioner; the split-end killer and shine enhancer. Soon my hair would look like that girl's in the Pantene ads.

Then the makeup --the under eye "ain't no lines here" firming cream, the all-day face-lifting gravity-fighting moisturizer with wrinkle filler spackle; the "all day kiss me till my lips bleed, and see if this gloss will come off" lipstick, the bronzing face powder for that special glow.

But first, the roll-on facial hair remover. I could feel the wrinkles shuddering in fear.

OK, time to get ready! I jumped into the steaming shower, soaped, lathered, rinsed, shaved, tweezed, buffed, scrubbed and scoured my body to a tingling pink.

I plastered my freshly scrubbed face with the anti-wrinkle, gravity fighting, "your face will look like a baby's posterior" face cream. I set my hair on hot rollers.

I felt wonderful. Ready to take on the world. Or in this instance, my underwear. With the towel firmly wrapped around my glistening body, I pulled out the black lace, tummy-tucking, cellulite-pushing, ham hock-rounding girdle, and the matching "lifting those bosoms like they're filled with helium" bra.

I greased my body with the scented body lotion and began the plunge. I pulled, stretched, tugged, hiked, folded, tucked, twisted, shimmied, hopped, pushed, wiggled, snapped, shook, caterpillar crawled and kicked. Sweat poured off my forehead but I was done. And it didn't look bad. So I rested. A well deserved rest, too.

The girdle was on my body. Bounce a quarter off my behind? It was tighter than a trampoline. Can you say, "Rubber baby buggy bumper buns?" Okay, so I had to take baby steps, and walk sideways, and I couldn't move from my buns to my knees. But I was firm!

Oh no...I had to go to the bathroom. And there wasn't a snap crotch. From now on, undies gotta have a snap crotch. I was ready to rip it open and re-stitch the crotch with Velcro, but the pain factor from past experiments was still fresh in my mind. I quickly sidestepped to the bathroom.

An hour later, I had answered nature's call and repeated the struggle into the girdle. I was ready for the bra. I remembered what the saleslady said to do. I could see her glossed lips mouthing, "Do not fasten the bra in the front, and twist it around. Put the bra on the way it should be worn--straps over the shoulders. Then bend over and gently place both breasts inside the cups." Easy if you have four hands. But, with confidence, I put my arms into the holsters, bent over and pulled the bra down...but the boobs weren't cooperating. I'd no sooner tuck one in a cup, and while placing the other, the first would slip out. I needed a strategy. I bounced up and down a few times, tried to dribble them in with short bunny hops, but that didn't work. So, while bent over, I began rocking gently back and forth on my heel and toes and I set 'em to swinging. Finally, on the fourth swing, pause, and lift, I captured the gliding glands. Quickly fastening the back of the bra, I stood up for examination. Back straight, slightly arched, I turned and faced the mirror, turning front, and then sideways. I smiled. Yes, Houston, we have lift up! My breasts were high, firm and there was cleavage! I was happy until I tried to look down. I had a chin rest. And I couldn't see my feet.

I still had to put on my pantyhose, and shoes. Oh...why did I buy heels with buckles? Then I had to pee again.

So I put on my sweats, fixed myself a drink, ordered pizza, and skipped the reunion.

[emilyg]

1. Got any pizza left? Be right over.

[babylonsister]

2. Ha! I'm glad you know this was a joke; I was waiting to be

berated for putting down 60-year olds. :P

[pnwmom]

3. Did you write this yourself? It's hysterical.

I'm passing it on to my mom and my sisters. Thanks for the laugh!

[babylonsister]

5. No, it was an e-mail I thought was pretty funny! nt

[emilyg]

12. I enjoyed it too much to berate you.

[hisownpetard]

8. Really funny! (But -don't people read the previous posts before making one of their own?

It would be a good idea if they did).

Oh, and BTW, hope you didn't eat the whole pizza by yourself.

[babylonsister]

10. I'm not getting what you're talking about. Was this posted already? nt

[hisownpetard]

16. I was referring to the fact that, even though you stated that you did not write the article, that

your are not 60 years old and that you were not the person in the story, you still
received at least 3 or 4 responses where the writer addressed the comments to you
as though all the foregoing conditions applied to you.

That sort of blows my mind, that you then have to answer the same thing to each one. No?

[babylonsister]

20. Gotcha! I edited the OP to indicate it was a joke, but assumed

people would recognize that when I posted it. Mea culpa! :)

[sweetladybug]

4. babylonsister, I bet you are still as attractive now as you were in high school.

Don't feel bad, we all spread out in later years. I hope you enjoyed your drink and pizza. Here's to you:toast:

[babylonsister]

6. Ha! Not even, but thanks. I didn't write this and edited the OP to

reflect that. You're a sweetladybug! :toast:

[lordsummerisle]

7. I don't care how old you are

you are one of my favorite DUers (but I did think you were 30 or so :D )

[babylonsister]

9. Jeebus, and you're a lord?!

Are you loaded, oh lord? :spray: I wish I was 30 sometimes! But I'm 51. So that, in my book, was a compliment! :loveya:

[NV Whino]

11. Too true!

:rofl:

[babylonsister]

13. How about a nom? I think everyone should read this! I thought about

putting this in GD, but didn't want to fry the minds of the young'uns.

[pnwmom]

15. Here you go!

[NV Whino]

19. I think we have to educate the younuns

It's even worse when it takes you by surprise.

[Frustratedlady]

14. Oh, Lordy! I sucked in my breath and bit my lip with every push and pull.

And, when all was done, I also had to go to the bathroom.

Thanks for the laughs!

[Sukie1941]

17. I've been to only two class reunions (high school)

and we will have our 50th reunion in 2010.

And I didn't go to the last one and won't go to the 50th.

It is usually alot of couples, no one to dance with, bad food, and I wish I wasn't there.

[babylonsister]

18. For reference, my dad went to his 50th with my mom's friend, who

he's been living with since about 6 months after mom died after being sick for a long time. I love them all still, and am very grateful for Mom's friend, who is also my friend. Things aren't always what you thing they are.

[hisownpetard]

21. You sound like a very understanding person. I'm glad your Dad has found someone who

you like, as well.