Happy New Year
BEST JOKES
FOR THE WEEK OF
DECEMBER 30, 2007
http://www.suddenlysenior.com/jokeslatest.htmlCompiled by
Carolyn Kaiser
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.
Got a favorite joke? Share it with us.
Write frank@suddenlysenior.com
FYI
Happy New Year!" That greeting will be said and heard for at least the first couple of weeks as a new year gets under way. But the day celebrated as New Year's Day was not always January 1.
ANCIENT NEW YEARS — The celebration of the new year is the oldest of all holidays. It was first observed in ancient Babylon about 4,000 years ago.
In the years around 2,000 BC, the Babylonian New Year began with the first New Moon (actually the first visible crescent) after the Vernal Equinox (first day of spring). The beginning of spring is a logical time to start a new year. After all, it is the season of rebirth, of planting new crops, and of blossoming.
January 1, on the other hand, has no astronomical nor agricultural significance. It is purely arbitrary. The Babylonian new year celebration lasted for eleven days. Each day had its own particular mode of celebration, but it is safe to say that modern New Year's Eve festivities pale in comparison.
The Romans continued to observe the new year in late March, but their calendar was continually tampered with by various emperors so that the calendar soon became out of synchronization with the sun. In order to set the calendar right, the Roman senate, in 153 BC, declared January 1 to be the beginning of the new year.
But tampering continued until Julius Caesar, in 46 BC,
established what has come to be known as the Julian Calendar. It again established January 1 as the new year. But in order to synchronize the calendar with the sun, Caesar had to let the previous year drag on for 445 days.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was thinking about making a New Year's resolution,
but what the heck -- why tamper with perfection?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
RESOLUTIONS!
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year and yet you never keep them? Here are some resolutions that you can actually accomplish!
10. Read less.
9. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
8. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
7. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
6. Procrastinate more.
5. Drink. Drink some more.
4. Start being superstitious.
3. Spend more time at work.
2. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
1. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FILLING IN FOR ST. PETER
Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and didn't think he would last the day minding the Pearly Gates of Heaven. So he phoned Jesus to ask for the day off.
"Why, Peter," Jesus said. "You know your health is my first concern. Take as much time as you need."
As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to handle the job himself. It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man
slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane.
As the man neared, Jesus said, "Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?"
"Well," replied the man, "I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven."
"We would certainly love to have you," said Jesus, "but we do have certain rules as to who can enter Heaven. Tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honor?"
"Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself," said the man. "I lived in a small town and led a simple life as a carpenter. But my son," he continued, "now HE was special !"
With pride in his voice he said, "I raised him to be a carpenter like myself and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day he's known throughout the world and loved by all alike."
As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms and cried, "Father!"
Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and yelled, "Pinocchio!!"
Never trust a dog to watch your food
NINE THINGS I REALLY HATE
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to get up and change the channel manually.
3. People who say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. People who say "it's always the last place you look". Yeah, I tend to stop looking once I've found it.
5. When people watching a film say "did you see that?" Do they think I paid $12 to look at the floor?
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Did they give you a choice?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it?
8. When people say "life is short". Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
A TRIFECTA OF NEW YEARS JOKES
WIN
WE MUST STOP THIS!
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection.........Well, REALLY NOW — even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing: everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can
say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I thought I wanted a career,
turns out I just wanted paychecks.
PLACE
POINTS TO PONDER WHEN YOU'RE BORED
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Starfish have no brains.
Polar bears are left-handed.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig?)
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SHOW
WILL I LIVE TO BE 80?
By Carolyn Kaiser
I will be 67 in February and had to choose an oncologist to help me through my treatments for the cancer that was diagnosed in May of this year.
After numerous visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age and medical condition.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "I want to live awhile longer. Do you think I will live to be 80?"
He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do any unprescribed drugs, either."
"He said "Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"
I said, "No, I'm always tired, so I stay home a lot."
"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, everything I read says that all red meat is unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit?
I'm taking up new hobbies in 2008.
A woman's favorite position is CEO.
Hey, have a great New Year's Eve. Remember to drive carefully, arrive home safely, and don't embarrass yourself. In other words, make sure you're sobered up, buckled up, and zipped up.
To 2008!
Hugs, Carolyn & Frank
Printer-friendly format
Email this thread to a friend
Bookmark this thread
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
