This Week's Best "Mature" Jokes

[Crewleader]

THIS WEEK'S BEST "Mature" JOKES

For the Week of October 5, 2008

Compiled by
Carolyn Kaiser

LONG AGO AND FAR AWAY

Long ago and far away, in a land that time forgot. Before the days of Dylan or the dawn of Camelot. There lived a race of innocents, they were you and me, long ago and far away in the Land of Sandra Dee.

Oh, there was truth and goodness in that land where we were born. Navels were for oranges, and Peyton Place was porn. Ike was in the White House, and Hoss was on TV. God was in his heaven in the Land of Sandra Dee.

We longed for love and romance, and waited for the prince. Eddie Fisher married Liz, and no one's seen him since. We danced to "Little Darlin" and sang to "Stagger Lee" we cried for Buddy Holly in the Land of Sandra Dee.

We had our share of heroes, we never thought they'd go. At least not Bobby Darin, or Marilyn Monroe. Youth was still eternal, our lives were yet to be. Elvis was forever in the Land of Sandra Dee.

We'd never heard of Microwaves or telephones in cars. Babies might be bottle-fed, but they sure weren't "grown" in jars. Pumping iron got wrinkles out. "Gay" meant fancy-free. Dorms were never coed in the Land of Sandra Dee.

We hadn't seen enough of jets to talk about the lag. Microchips were what was left at the bottom of the bag. Hardware was a box of nails. Bytes came from a flea. Rocket ships were fiction in the Land of Sandra Dee.

We had no Crest with Fluoride. We had no Hill Street Blues. We all wore superstructure bras designed by Howard Hughes. We had no patterned pantyhose, no Lipton herbal tea. No prime-time ads for condoms in the Land of Sandra Dee.

There were no golden arches, no Perriers to chill. Our fish were not called Wanda, and cats were not called Bill. Middle-age was thirty-five, old was forty-three. Ancients were our parents in the Land of Sandra Dee.

But all things have a season, or so we've heard them say. Now instead of Maybelline we swear by Retin-A. They send us invitations to join AARP. We've come a long way, baby, from the Land of Sandra Dee.

So now we face a brave new world In "slightly" larger jeans. We wonder why they're using smaller print in magazines. We tell our children's children of the way it used to be, long ago and far away in the Land of Sandra Dee.



A TEST

1. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?____________

2. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on The __________________ Show.

3. "Get your kicks, ___________________."

4. "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed__________ _________."

5. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________."

6. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we "danced" under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the "_____________."

7. "N_E_S_T_L_E_S," Nestle's makes the very best _______________."

8. Satchmo was America's "Ambassador of Goodwill." Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________.

09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________

10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, "Good Night, and "_______________."

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their____________.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW What other names did it go by? ____________ and _______________.

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the music died." This was a tribute to ___________________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ________________

SEE ANSWERS BELOW

DOWN MEMORY LANE

A little house with two bedrooms and one car on the street, a mower that you had to push, to make the grass look neat. In the kitchen on the wall, we only had one phone. No need for recording things - someone was always home.

We only had a living room, where we would congregate. Unless it was at meal time, in the kitchen where we ate. We had no need for family rooms or extra rooms to dine, when meeting as a family, those two rooms would work out fine.

We only had one TV set and channels ,maybe two, but always there was one of them, with something worth the view. For snacks, we had potato chips, that tasted like a chip, and if you wanted flavor, you made Lipton's onion dip.

Store bought snacks were rare, because mother liked to cook, nothing could compare to snacks in Betty Crocker's book. The snacks were even healthy with the best ingredients, there were no labels, with a hundred things that made no sense!

Weekends were for family trips, or staying home to play. We all did things together, even go to church to pray. When we did our weekend trips depending on the weather, no one stayed at home because we liked to be together..

Remember going to the store and shopping casually, when you went to pay for it you actually used money? Nothing that you had to swipe or punch in some amount. Remember when the cashier person had to really count?

There was a time when mailed letters came right to your door, without a lot of junk mail ads, sent out by every store. The mailman knew each house by name and knew where it was sent, there were not loads of mail addressed to "Present Occupant".

This life seemed so much easier and slower in some ways. I love the new technology but I sure miss those days. So time moves on and so do we and nothing stays the same, but I sure love to reminisce, and walk down memory lane.

BLACK AND WHITE

You could hardly see for all the snow. Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go. Pull a chair up to the TV set. "Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet." Depending on the channel you tuned you got Rob and Laura or Ward and June. It felt so good it felt so right. Life looked better in black and white.

I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys, Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys. Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train, Superman, Jimmy and Lois Lane. Father Knows Best, Patty Duke, Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too. Donna Reed on Thursday night! Life looked better in black and white.

I wanna go back to black and white. Everything always turned out right. Simple people, simple lives. Good guys always won the fights. Now nothing is the way it seems, in living color on the TV screen. Too many murders, too many fights, I wanna go back to black and white.

In God they trusted, alone in bed they slept. A promise made was a promise kept. They never cussed or broke their vows. They'd never make the network now. Life looked better in black and white.

I'd trade all the channels on the satellite, If I could just turn back the clock tonight. To when everybody knew wrong from right. Life was better in black and white!

DID YOU KNOW?

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can. Women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska.

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David, Hearts - Charlemagne, Clubs -Alexander, the Great, Diamonds - Julius Caesar

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

ANSWERS TO THE TEST

1. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.

2. The Ed Sullivan Show

3. On Route 66

4. To protect the innocent.

5. The Lion sleeps tonight

6. The limbo

7. Chocolate

8. Louis Armstrong

9. The Timex watch

10. Freddy, The Freeloader, and "Good Night, and may God Bless."

11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned.)

12. Beetle or Bug

13. Buddy Holly

14. Sputnik

15. Hoola-hoop

http://www.suddenlysenior.com/Images/oldtypewriterjpg

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more fortunate than the million who will not survive this week.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation, you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.

If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death, you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.

If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world.

If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

If your parents are still alive and still married, you are very rare, even in the United States.

If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful, you are fortunate because the majority can, but most do not.

If you can hold someone's hand, hug them or even touch them on the shoulder, you are blessed because you can offer healing touch.

If you can read this message you are more fortunate than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.

Have a great year, count your blessings, and pass this along to
remind everyone else how fortunate we all are.



OH YEAH

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up".
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again".
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

JUST MATURE

At the drugstore, the clerk was a gent. From my purchase this chap took off ten percent. I asked for the cause of a lesser amount; And he answered, "Because of the Seniors Discount."

I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries, and once again, got quite a surprise. The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me. He said, "For you, Seniors, the coffee is free." Understand, I'm not old, I'm merely mature.

But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure. The newspaper print gets smaller each day, And people speak softer,-can't hear what they say. My teeth are my own (I have the receipt), and my glasses identify people I meet. Oh, I've slowed down a bit, not a lot, I am sure. You see, I'm not old, I'm only mature.

The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun. You should see all the damage that chlorine has done. Washing my hair has turned it all white, But don't call it gray, saying "blond" is just right. My friends all get older, much faster than me. They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see. I've got "character lines," not wrinkles.for sure. But don't call me old, just call me mature.

The steps in the houses they're building today are so high that they take your breath all away. The streets are much steeper than ten years ago. That should explain why my walking is slow. But I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new. I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo. I'm still in the running, in this I'm secure. I'm not really old, I'm only mature.



THIS WEEK’S SUDDENLY SENIOR TIP

YOU DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE YOU ARE OLD
YOU GROW OLD WHEN YOU STOP LAUGHING.

HUGS, CAROLYN AND FRANK

http://www.suddenlysenior.com/jokeslatest.html

[Aviation Pro]

1. Got all the test questions right....

...I'm either good or I just got my AARP letter, and the first statement doesn't count...lol.

[raysr]

2. Hey, that's a '39

Chevy, my favorite!