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Odd that you should post this now. I too (just turned 71) have been plagued with middle-of-the-night sleep-depriving thoughts for several years. Figured maybe it was partly genetic--my dad had serious insomnia, as now do I and at least one family member--but it has been troubling and disheartening, especially the negative thoughts. For quite awhile, my mantra has been "My life is a shambles." This after the recurrent, intrusive memories of the past, as you describe them.
But a couple of days ago, something occurred to me. What I did was imagine a conversation between myself and a person with whom I had a relationship that ended badly, and which I did not handle well at all, to the point of still feeling incredible shame for my actions. But in my imaginary conversation, I found myself expressing my regret to this person, and then saying (not sure where this came from), perhaps it was the best thing for me to do at the time. Bad as it was, it was my way of dealing with the situation then, and perhaps it was best in the long run for both of us.
For some reason this framed the circumstance in an entirely new way for me. Not saying I was able to put it away and forgive myself, but it's almost like that's no longer necessary. And in the imaginary head-to-head, I wasn't apologizing, merely stating regret at my actions, but giving myself the benefit of the doubt that I wasn't the awful person I'd thought myself to be all these years, but rather a human being who had a human reaction which, good or bad, was less than appropriate to the circumstance when it happened.
I probably have a lot more mid-night torments ahead in which the "my life is a shambles" mantra will still buffet my psyche, but I am determined not to allow them to plague and undermine me and rob me of whatever good and right things I have on my record. Time will tell, but meantime, I hope I have not bored you with recounting, and that something I've said might resonate with you. I'll share one more thing--at a conference I attended awhile back, the workshop leader asked participants to write on this very subject, sleep-robbing negative thoughts. What I wrote was--"I lie awake at night, tormenting myself with regrets, failures, and feelings of worthlessness. Then I glance up at the ceiling and see a tiny light, shimmering like a distant star. At once I realize it's the smoke alarm, and I take comfort in the fact that at least the house is not on fire!"
Blessings!
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