How many permanently single women on DU, childless or not?

[catzies]

I'm now a middle-aged, former teenage mom. My now-grown daughter lives up the street now and she's amazing and we're great pals.

I've never been close to being married. So now I'm a relatively recent homeowner, empty-nester.

With my modest spare money and time, I do belong to several partisan and non-partisan activism groups, and I'm proud of my community so I care to invest in it, as it sustains me.

Church life is important to many people, but never to me as I wasn't consistently raised in one.

But now that I'm middle-aged, I know that women live longer, and often with less money and resources, and often with dwindling health, so I'm mindful of these things. And living longer costs money now, is that what happened when 50 became the new 40? Will 90 become the new 80? Do I have to work until in 70 if I'm going to live to 90?

But I don't know any other 42 year old empty-nesters so I'm asking DU. Who out there already knew when you were 40, that everything major already happened to you, and that's it's a long, slow, coast downhill from here on out, so what do you do the make the best of it?

Don't say grandchildren; my daughter's in no hurry to have kids and that's OK with me.

[crispini]

1. Huh, I find this post a bit perplexing.

I mean, you seem to be saying that having your daughter is "everything major" and it's all downhill from here. I'm pushing forty, I've never been married and at this point in my life I never may be. Yet I don't feel like it's a "long slow coast" downhill at all -- I am considering a new second career, getting increasingly involved with politics, and of course continuing to explore and find out about the world. IMO it's all one big adventure and funfair ride, right up until the day I die. :shrug: of course, I may have completely misread your post. :7

[mcscajun]

2. Whoa, there, Nellie!

Okay...your name's not Nellie, but still. Slow Down on the Downhill Run!

You're not ready for it yet.

I'm sure there will still be plenty of Major developments in your life in the next 10-20 years.

I don't have kids, but I got divorced (second time) at 38, bought a home on my own at 40, graduated college at 41, and won on Jeopardy the following year. The last fifteen years have been the best of my life (I'm 53.)

Look around, past your block, past your life so far. There's worlds of possibilities yet and no reason to narrow your focus.

[Straight Shooter]

3. Life begins at 40. Therefore, you are 2 years old and entitled to pout.

:P

Just kidding. At 40, I didn't think of it as "everything major had already happened." I was hoping that everything troublesome was over, but life just isn't like that.

At 42, you have so many opportunities ahead of you. Trust your instincts, put yourself first for a while and see how it feels, spend time with good friends, try something new as often as you can. Best of luck and sweet dreams.

[etherealtruth]

4. I'm a single mother of three ...

... I'm forty three. My oldest (23 year old son, born 2 weeks after my twentieth birthday) is getting married in May---yes they are very young, but they have been "in love" since the second grade.

My other two are 9 and 11. I have been divorced since October of 2000, but this isn't the big news...

In three weeks I will have a BS with a major in Environmental Science (only had an a.d. in nursing prior to that and hadn't worked since the early 90's ). This is major to ME----my rambling point: figure out what is really important to you (not to anyone else, important to YOU) and go for it---even if it's one small step at a time!

It's an uphill battle----but it beats downhill----good luck!

[AuntieM1957]

5. Downhill is easier on the knees

but that's about all I saw good in thinking that way...

I'm 47 (for 6 more days), a homeowner of 15 years, working on a second degree, #1 Auntie, and devoted granddaughter to my 97 year old grandmother. Mom is 75 and still active. Based on my genetic windfall, I'm looking forward to perhaps another 50 years on the planet above ground. And the last adjective I ever use to describe myself is spinster (aka never married). That was a choice - not an accident - and one I don't regret. Hell, why would I envy any of my friends their multiple divorces? To paraphrase my childhood hero - Elizabeth I (the Tudor queen) - there shall be but one mistress here, and no master!

My income is modest also - especially during the Bush junta, but I'm not worried about having to work until I'm 70 - frankly, I prefer to stay busy. It helps to find something you like to do - or to learn to make what you do something you can like.

You sound like you need a spark to get yourself going again - try learning or doing something completely outside your comfort zone - something you never thought you could do. It's something I've learned from my grandmother. Nothing keeps the brain and body active like a new challenge. Here are some random suggestions -
join a gym, foster a child, foster pets for your local animal shelter, study a religion other than one you'd normally practice, take a continuing ed class, take a vacation alone.

You're starting a whole new stage, woman - think adventure!

[NV Whino]

6. Add approx 20 years

I'm single. Never been married. No kids. Never wanted kids.

Happy as a clam. Busy as a bee. Having fun. Working. Want to quit working and have more fun, but the current economy forbids that. The women in my family are long-lived. (My mother is currently 91.)

Go find a copy of Imogene Cunningham's book of photos. I think it's called Over 90. She produced it when she was 91 or so.

You have to stop looking down hill and start looking forward.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

7. I'm single and childless, but not by choice

Yet I don't feel as if I'm on a downhill slide at age 54.

There's always interesting stuff to do and not enough years left to do it. There's always something to learn, new people to meet, places to go, work to do. I plan on being a feisty old lady.

And you never know. At Christmas of 1991, my then-70-year-old mother was moaning and groaning about how she was useless and her life was over. Two months later, she was reunited with an old flame, and they were married four months after that. Her husband is in poor health now, but before that, they went to Europe twice, associating with his friends opened up new worlds for her, and she converted him from a habitual Republican to a strong Democrat through the comments she made when they watched C-SPAN together.

"What a difference a day makes," as the song says.

[applegrove]

8. Sweetie pie - your power years are just ahead. Save, travel, friends,

community action, the internet, follow you passion! Despite your non-marriage.. you have already sucked in too much propaganda from men. These are the great times. Grandkids will fill your world so you better get out there and play, plant a garden, mentor a youth, fall in love with church choirs, raise a manage of critters. Baby - motherhood was the bomb but that doesn't mean there is nothing else.

[Warpy]

9. The 40s suck

You're too old to be young and too young to be old. Most of us have a rough time navigating the 40s, realizing we're no longer the hottest trick in town and beginning to suffer the early signs of perimenopause.

The good news is that it's over when it's over. The 50s are incredibly liberating. You don't mourn that lost sexuality (which isn't lost at all, even if men are too witless to see it) because you suddenly don't give a rip. You don't have to conform to society's expectations any more and can say what's on your mind. You don't have to conform to fashion because you're cloaked in a weird sort of invisibility so you can wear whatever crazy combination you want to.

And there is no greater joy in a woman's life than being able to thumb her nose at the fertility aisle in the supermarket.

[shrike]

15. I love my 40s

Been the best time of my life so far, professionally and personally. Wish they would never end.

[Beaverhausen]

10. single and childless; mid 40s but very happy

I feel better every year. I am a late bloomer and I now enjoy my life so much more without all the stupid shit I worried about when I was young.

I look forward to doing whatever I want with my life in the years ahead.

I have also found the love of my life - FINALLY!!! Not sure if we will marry or even stay together but for now I'm really happy with him. Never thought it would happen after so many years alone.

I think there are great things in your future. You just have to reflect on what sort of things you would like to do and figure out a way to do them. Rejoice in your freedom. Celebrate yourself. Be grateful everyday for all the things you have. Dream.

:hug:

[REP]

11. Single and Childfree

I'm 40. I'm not married, but I've been in a long term relationship for over 13 years. Childfree and sterilized. I retired a couple of years ago due to disability, and while I'm not in the best of health, I'm hardly sitting around waiting to die (most days). Most people think I'm younger than I am by at least a decade (which I credit to staying out of the sun and the no kids thing), and I'm managing to have a fairly good time!

[LisaLynne]

12. I'm single, childfree, too.

Just checking in. I have to say that I see more and more opportunities opening up for me as I get older. I've worked through a lot of my "issues" and am really becoming the person I'm supposed to be. There is so much to learn and do out there in the world. Our culture does seem to have this weird habit of assuming your life is over at 50 or whatever, but I look at my mom who's 65 and she's so vibrant and really coming into her own. Who knows what she might do with the rest of her life? Something extraordinary, I'm guessing.

Now, I have a friend who is my age who, although single, in great heath, and also childfree bought a minivan and walks around saying how she's an old woman (and not in a good way). She's started to limit herself on the things she thinks she can do (like travel, etc). But, it's all in her head. There's no reason she couldn't be doing MORE than she ever has. She just has the idea that she has to start staying home more and fussing around and closing herself down instead of expanding. But, why?

I think another thing to keep in mind is that they don't say "the grass is greener on the other side" for nothing. I have a lot of married friends who constantly tell me they wish they were single or act jealous of me because of it and I have single friends who cry about not being married. When you're feeling unhappy, it's easy to blame some circumstance in your life for everything -- weight, some personality trait, your job, your marital status.

Considering how many of us are here, maybe we should have started a childfree and/or "permanently" single group! :)

[Lydia Leftcoast]

14. Age is largely in your mind

When my parents were married, my maternal grandmother had just turned 50. In other words, she was younger than I am now.

Yet judging from the wedding pictures, she looked like an old lady. As far back as I can remember, she dressed and acted like an old lady.

Since she lived to be 100, she spent half her life as "an old lady."

[Triana]

13. Single, mid-40s, nokidsbychoice (sterile)

I was married eons ago and will never do it again - big mistake, it was not for me. Wrong idea, wrong guy, wrong time, wrong place, wrong, wrong, wrong...I never wanted kids, either, just cats!

I was once (am) in love with someone enough that I wouldn't mind living together but the feeling wasn't/isn't mutual so that's out the window. Unless I find someone (else) as appropriate (for whom the feeling *IS* mutual), I'll remain 'single'. Finding someone that well-matched is a real rarity so not much hope for it. That was the only time it happened, in fact.

Regardless, after 20+ years, living alone is not something that eats at me or anything but it would be nice to have a companion - besides the cat, that is!

I'm ready to slow down a bit, professionally. Working the high-stress jobs 60+ hours a week, keeping up with the latest and greatest tech stuff, being on-call, married to the job - bah.

At my age, I don't live to work, I work so I can live - period. If that means less $ - fine. I want my TIME. I have and want to keep my life outside the job. Let the 20-something boyz work the 60-hour weeks. They can have it.

I'm more involved in politics, socializing, yoga, meditation, flying or going to airshows, art, poetry, other creative endeavors, etc. Working on myself in various other ways too. It ain't nirvana, it isn't all Hell either. It's just the way it is. I can't damn or glorify it. OK. Some days I damn it to Hell and back. There. I said it.

I hate that I'm not younger/better-looking/as desired by men but also question the type of men who discount me because of my age. I don't look at all bad for my age but - well, you know how society is.

[sinkingfeeling]

16. Will be 57 in a couple of months and my only child is going on

36! He's still single, so don't foresee any grandkids in my future. I was married on my 20th birthday and became a mom just about the time I was thinking of leaving the idiot I'd married!!

By the age of 23, I was divorced, a mom, a home owner, and an employee of a Fortune 500 company. I never finished college (gave up my scholarship to support the ex and keep him in school, because Viet Nam was going down).

I decided a long time ago that I liked the single life. I don't see another marriage in my future and haven't been on a 'date' in 20 years!! I go where I want, buy what I want, keep my own standards of housekeeping and cooking, and have a ton of fun. My hobbies include painting, quilting, knitting, sewing, restoring a 147 year old house, etc.

My problem is there isn't enough time to do all the things I want. I'm retired from my first career and am 3 years into the second. Might retire from it in about 5 more years and then think I'll move to Europe!

Sometimes I wonder what might happen if I were to get sick or injured and there's no one around to find me...but I keep in regular contact with my family.

You got to look forward and decide what you really want to do with yourself. Who knows if the 'major' things in your life have happened yet?

[all.of.me]

17. i am 51 and feel as though life has just begun!

i can see how you feel why you do, but you're young with a zillion opportunities in front of you.

i've had friends:

at 50 who've changed careers.

at 60 who went back to art school full time.

i'm raising two girls alone, 11 & 15, and as hard as that is, i feel the world is in front of me. i want to travel, travel, travel, maybe go back to school something to do with plants (botany, ecology, ethnobotany - i don't know), move to another country. there are so many possibilities.

a man does not figure into the equation right now. i'm content alone, have been for years, even before i had kids. i may not be 'permanently single,' but for now, i'm fine. it would have to be a VERY special man to come into my world right now to get me to change my mind/heart.

[NMMNG]

18. I'm permanently single

I've never been married, and couldn't get married if I wanted to unless I moved to MA (and that option might not be available forever). I'll never have children either, which is a personal decision I made long ago and have stuck to ever since.

[snot]

19. Here's one.

Congrats on your new home!

You're WAY too young to "coast".

You say you have little spare time--what's your dayjob?

I'm 50. Two yrs ago began 2d career as an artist, in addition to (not in lieu of) my dayjob. I also party like mad, volunteer, etc. etc.

No coasting here.