Put some makeup on

[tinkerbell41]

Fix your hair! I am a Tradeswoman, have been for 18 yrs. When I first started I totally believed
I was equal, I had no idea of the views men held.
I grew up in a family where I was told my parents "split everything 50/50" My dad housecleaned, cooked, my mom mowed the lawn. But every now and then I would get a glimmer of reality, at the time I didn't know what it was, but it didn't feel right. It didn't line up with the story being told.
My Dad didn't want my Mom working, it was his job to provide financially, I remember her crying and pleading to take a job when he would be laid off. My Dad having a conversation with my 13 yr old brother about condoms in the kitchen, I overhear it and being 5 yrs older I say what about me?? Oh you are not going to do that.
Fast forward 5 yrs, I have a child am unwed and struggling with no education or way out.
My dad convinces me to get into the trades, you'll love it, they take care of the women.
Seeing no other "way out" I do it. But I do it with the thought that I am going to be taken seriously. Well sadly to say I had a terrible time, some guys treated me good, but I was screamed at, had things thrown at me, hardhat pissed in, told I belonged at home etc....
When I went to my Dad to ask him "What can I do to be faster,better, make them want to keep me instead of laying me off" He replies, maybe you should wear makeup to work and do your hair.
WHAT????? Here I am pushing to be a good Tradeswoman, and my dad who I believe to be committed to Equal Rights tells me this!!!!
Needless to say my relationship with him has deteriorated ever since, and I hate it. I hate having to know he is like every other jerk I have worked with, that he holds the same beliefs as they do. With the death of my Mother 2 yrs ago, it has become even worse, he has since remarried
the epitome of the type of woman I can't stand. I guess I should have realized his standing
when he used to tell me at 17 that no guy wants a girl that has short hair, or is boisterous
and speaks her mind. He thought he was being "honest,and helpful".
I thought my view of men was ruined by the Trade I guess it started way before that. I mean I was told my whole life how great my dad was, but he really made me feel like shit, and I don't know why. Why would you tell your daughter at 16 after breaking up with a boyfriend "you're not the prettiest girl in the world??

[fasttense]

1. Wow, what an awful thing to say to a 16 year old girl.

Sounds to me like your father is very insensitive. My mother would (and still does) say things like that to me. I have since learned that she can't help herself. She says mean things and doesn't really realize how mean and cruel she sounds. But I only talk to her once a week so it's not so bad.

Don't blame your stepmother. She is not your problem. She was that kind of woman before your father married her. She is what she is. Frequently stepparents get all the hate that the child can't/wont direct to the actual parent who is responsible for the situation.

[tinkerbell41]

5. I agree

Deep down I know it is not her. I am confused to why my dad would encourage me to be independent, and take care of myself financially, but then turn around and marry a woman who is helpless and clueless and weak. It could be my own jealously that "she is the desired type and I'm not."

[raccoon]

6. Well said!

"Frequently stepparents get all the hate that the child can't/wont direct to the actual parent who is responsible for the situation. "

Sometimes, blood relatives do, such as aunts. I'm living proof.

[CoffeeCat]

2. Your father is an abusive, mean, ugly mysognist...

His behavior speaks volumes. He didn't want your mom working, even after he was laid off. He would
rather have the family suffer financially, then "his woman" work.

Then, he gives your brother "the talk" and totally disregards your feelings. In effect, he empowered
the male in your family and left you in the dark.

Your father tells you that no guy wants a woman with short hair. He degraded you when you
were 16--telling you you were ugly--when you needed a man to tell you that you were lovely and wonderful.

Why do you continue to seek the advice of someone who clearly is ignorant and abusive?

There's a little-girl part of us--that wants our father's approval. That little girl part has
obviously been very hurt. As an adult, you are still trying to get that approval--by asking
for his advice and by doing what he suggests.

Your father gives raunchy advice, and his suggestions are awful.

Get some therapy. Stop trying to get your father's approval. He's deliberately derailing your life and giving
your really bad advice. Grieve the fact that you didn't have the father you deserved--and learn to trust
your own instincts. You don't need your father's approval. You just need to believe in yourself.

When you get control of your life--you'll start asking yourself what you really want. Then your life will
fall in line---and it will be your own.

Trust me, I've been through this.

My father did these exact same things to me. It took me years to extricate myself from his grip. Get
some distance, and some therapy and start unraveling the damage this manipulator has done.

[tinkerbell41]

3. Thank you

With my Mother gone, she's not there to make excuses for him anymore, to run interference if you will. For years she would try to convince me he doesn't know what he is saying, he doesn't understand it hurts your feelings. YOU are absolutely correct, I have been seeking approval and it will never happen. Sad thing is I've NEVER had a normal relationship, I married at 23, my "in the closet" best friend. "I WONDER WHY???" Divorced, still friends but haven't had another relationship in 10 years. I don't trust myself to find someone who is good.

[CoffeeCat]

4. I totally understand...

...and it's good that you are asking these questions now.

You know that this is wrong and that you deserve better.

My mother used to do the same thing for my father. She would rationalize every bad thing he did. She
would get angry when I would complain about him. The big line in my family was that, "Your father is
just kidding" or "That's just your father's strange sense of humor."

We were supposed to endure abuse, humiliation and awful comments--because my father was just being "funny".

The line soon became that I was "too sensitive" or that I "didn't know how to take a joke". Does this
stuff sound familiar? Most dysfunctional families behave so similarly.

You're light years ahead of many people who grow up in families like this. You're asking yourself why you do these
things and you are understanding that it's messed up. That's huge. Denial is so much easier!

Find a good therapist. One who understands dysfunctional families. Many therapists work on a sliding scale and
are very affordable.

And yes, someone who is "good" feels bizarre--when you're used to abuse. A couple of women in my family have
married men who were "in the closet." It's safe, because there's a built-in block to real intimacy. When
you've been hurt so much, it's hard to let those blocks down.

Please know that you are not alone! A good therapist can help and direct you to support groups. You'll be
amazed at how dysfunctional families have so much in common. It's not your fault and you didn't cause this--but
you can recover from it. There is hope, I promise.

[iverglas]

7. your dad sounds like a product of his times

And they were split-personality times. ;) It sounds to me like he embodies some of that split -- and may really have thought he was being "honest and helpful" by telling you to conform to stereotypes. At the same time as he was suggesting a non-stereotypical future for you. Unfortunately, you internalized the conflict, just as we all tend to internalize what we are told about ourselves from a young age.

I wonder whether you've investigated networking and support among women in non-traditional occupations, specifically the trades.

My brother's former partner became a carpenter while they were together (he was a fine arts grad working in carpentry and cabinetry, she was a liberal arts grad looking for an interesting job/career). She went on to work for the government counselling women interested in non-traditional occupations.

You've been working in your trade for quite a while and are obviously successful in it -- you might even find mentoring other women a satisfying thing to do! I don't know about where you are, but where I am there growing efforts to get young people interested in the trades, and apprenticeships are being encouraged. That might be something you could get involved in through a local community college.

I may be trying to teach my grandmother to suck eggs here -- but my experience is that teaching and encouraging someone else along the path one chose can be a great confidence booster.

[cap]

8. Question: Do you want to be in the trades?

Is it your passion? If so, go for it gangbusters. Don't let anyone stop you. Realize that these guys have issues that have nothing to do with you and that they are acting on their own scripts. You can't control them but you can make sure that they don't control you.

If it's not your passion, and you can find the intersection between your passion and a paycheck, go do something else. You are putting up with some misogynistic bull from a bunch of guys who have nothing going on for them except their perception that they can put a boot in the face of a woman. There are more female friendly environments around where you will be well treated. You don't need to replay your dad's scripts. In the interim, this job doesn't define you.



Just know what you are doing and why you are doing it.