age, attractiveness and worth.

[FizzFuzz]

Here's a post I did in the Women's World group, in response to a Roseanne Cash advice for "Women of a Certain Age" article that was posted. Glad to say a number of responses questioned the repressive meanings of the article.

I just thought I'd copy my post here, because I thought it was good. (I'm being vain! Yes! But look at it this way, women should focus more vanity on their minds than their looks. Wish I had done that when I was younger!)

----
Not only are they someone else's standards {the set of standards for looks and behavior that society imposes on women}, but they're all standards that enforce a belief that women who are past socially defined limits on attractiveness must muzzle themselves. Keep in mind, those social constructs spelled out here, that define our WORTH, ALL center on physical attractiveness. For women, the coin of the realm is our looks. We all know it. And, we must also pretend that we are above being concerned about it's loss, while being admonished that we have indeed lost it, so do NOT attract any undue attention to your physical self.

By the way, being nice and ladylike and restrained physically can keep a mind and a spirit nice and ladylike and restrained as well.

(not that I am totally trashing this advice--there is something to be said for dignity. But its that excessive focus on self-repression expected of WOMEN that pisses me off.)

[blackbart222]

1. A warning to my sisters.

I know this is not related to the OP. I am posting this using a throw-away account to protect my anonymity, but I WILL be reading this thread for your input. It has taken me a while to work through this.

I'll try to keep it short.

A couple of weeks ago I accepted an invitation to go on an over-night camping trip from a male acquaintance. I'm trying not to blame myself. I may have been a bit naive to think that sharing a tent with him did not imply that I would be sharing my body with him. Once I was in a position where it was clear I was dependent on his good will for my safety he made it clear that he thought otherwise. He said I was free to refuse, and I was free to sleep on my own outside the tent, perhaps even free to find my own way home. He played on my fears. I gave in to him :cry: .

It is far too late for me to have any tests done, even if I could claim that I was forced. I just want other women to be careful. Don't be foolish and put yourself in a situation where you must choose between risking your personal safety by denying his wishes, or saying "yes" when you really mean "HELL NO!".

Please. The choice I made that night is one that no woman should ever have to make.

[beam me up scottie]

2. Listen.

You should get a check up as soon as possible.
Please, protect your health.
And you should talk to a counselor.
You need to talk to someone, I hope you have a friend or family member with you.
If not, talk to us.
What he did was inexcusable and you are not the only one this has happened to.
He is a bully and an abuser.
You had no way to know what he had planned.
If you want to pm me, I'm a great listener and I've been where you are.
A lot of us have.
You will get through this and be stronger for it.


edited to add : I can't pm you but I posted a link to this in the FG.

[MuseRider]

3. Everything you said.

Very well put.

It will be OK but do get checked ASAP, nothing will get better or go away by waiting.

Many of us have been right where you are right now and it is awful to suffer through all by yourself so lean on us if you need to.

[Hello_Kitty]

4. You didn't do anything wrong

Seriously. I promise you. Any guy who issues a benign-seeming invitation and then proceeds to coerce you into something you don't want to do is a predatory asshole, I don't care what anyone says to defend him. What kind of pathetic loser has to resort to entrapment and manipulation like that? What kind of reprehensible, hideous pond scum tells a woman that she can either submit to him or sleep outside in the wilderness? He planned this, trust me. He picked you as a target for his exploitation, most likely because he detected a kindness and generosity in you that he doesn't possess.

Please try not to blame yourself. Last time I checked, being naive and trusting isn't a crime. Rather, it's an indication that you are a good person who assumes the best in people. It's unfortunate that someone took advantage of that and I hope it doesn't harden you. Because, quite frankly, there are more than enough hardened people in the world thanks to fuckwads like him.

My advice is to go to a doctor and get checked out. Then find yourself a good, woman-positive therapist to help you work through this. Planned Parenthood is an excellent resource to help you with this. Best wishes to you and please let us know how you're doing. You can PM me or anyone else who responds to this thread. Take care.

[Moderator]

5. Locking

The topic of the second post in this thread alleges a possible act of sexual violence. We at DU are unable to give competent advice nor do we want to be the vehicle for other incompetent advice. We recommend and strongly urge anyone who may have experienced an incident such as the one described here to seek out qualified medical help and the expert advice of a sexual assault counselor. Both of these can be obtained at most major hospitals and medical providers.