Info to help Indian woman in arranged marriage under familial assault?

[omega minimo]

She's been in the U.S. several years, educated, fluent English. loving arranged marriage with two kids under 5.

In her Punjabi Sikh family, the parents-in-law call the shots and the mother-in-law manipulates, esp. over money, status and just control. Husband goes along to get along, supports parents and psychotic mother-in-law over his wife.

My friend and her husband lived with the parents and extended family and m-i-l was so psychologically abusive, my friend became ill. She and her husband moved to another city, bought a home, started a family.

This weekend her husband sprung on her that his parents are going to sell their house and move in with my friend's family. He hasn't discussed it with her at all-- she said no when this came up before-- and now he's presenting it as a done deal.

She feels trapped and out of options unless it means returning to India.

I called local women's shelter and asked about any organizations that might support (Punjabi?) women in this situation. Was told there aren't any (?) but that this story is very familiar to the counselor I spoke with, in the Punjabi community and the Hmong community and the Ukrainian community and the ________ community.

Anyone know about groups supporting these women trapped between cultures?

[azurnoir]

1. Don't know of any hard and fast rules

but are either she or her husband American citizen? Is her presence in the US in any way contingent on her marriage? Hopefully not in the last case; I don't think there are any laws governing this type of situation. Even if we were talking about an American born couple it is just most husbands would not do this under the circumstances. Can she work, you say she is educated so I am betting she has excellent English, if nothing else there are jobs as translators out there. In short she may not have any choice but to leave her husband and see what he does, if it should come to that she should immediately get a lawyer to protect her custody of her children, her husband could conceivable take them from her and go back to India regardless of citizen status and she could do nothing to stop him without a court order.

[omega minimo]

5. She needs to take the test-- I don't know if he is a citizen

Last time this came up and MIL was pressuring them to buy them a house in another city (claiming they need money after giving the other son $40,000) (so why don't they move in with the son they're been giving $$$$$ to?) I offered to help her get her citiizenship. She needs that status in case they really pressure her.

Now it looks like they could move in any day after husband's sudden announcement. The really insane part is the stories my friend has told me about how evil this woman is to her, things that family has already done and the effects (including miscarraiges) it had on my friend's health. How can the husband stand for that?

I don't know if she wants to stay in the U.S. anymore. I know she doesn't want to lose her kids. (The way Gramma treats the kids is heartless also)

[Lydia Leftcoast]

2. I don't have any help for you, but this kind of situation seems to be

common in strongly male supremacist cultures. A woman gains status only through her sons, and so she forms a close bond with them (and often not with her husband), and becomes jealous of any women that they are involved with.

Throw in the doctrine of filial piety (children are supposed to respect and obey their parents, even into adulthood), common in Asian cultures, and you have misery for the daughter-in-law. If your friend's husband is the oldest son, that's even worse, because he is expected to take his parents into his home when they're old. (In practice, this means that his wife gets to take care of them, even if they're bedridden and/or senile.)

The expectation in the U.S. is different, that a meddling mother-in-law is wrong. In Asian cultures, a meddling mother-in-law is taking out years of her own oppression on the one person she can safely oppress: her daughter-in-law.

One of my cousins was engaged to a man with a Monster Mother, and as they were going through premarital counseling at the church where they planned to get married, the fiance admitted that his mother was demanding that he call off the wedding. The minister asked him, "Do you love M and want to marry her?" Yes, he did, but he hated to upset his mother... The minister asked, "Are you a man or a mouse? It even says in the Bible that a man shall leave his father and his mother and join with his wife." Well the marriage went ahead, with the mother-in-law boycotting the wedding, but the couple are still married, nearly 25 years later.

As I think of options, I wonder if the husband has any American male friends, or better yet, some second-generation Indian male friends, who can talk some sense into him.

If the wife has legal residence independent of her husband's, she can threaten to move out with the children if her in-laws move into the same house. And then do it. If she doesn't have legal residence independent of her husband's, then she probably has no option but to return to India.

Perhaps as a compromise, the parents could live in a separate dwelling in the same city. But that might be unacceptable in Punjabi culture.

What a hairy situation.

[azurnoir]

3. Trust me it happens in western culture too

married once 16 years "Living in sin" :sarcasm: 14 years both only son, only child. My first mother in law expected to be able to run my household, down to telling my kids they did not have to listen to me just her, we could never live more than a couple blocks away at most; divorce needs no explanation. Second MIL has her moments but not nearly to the extent and son is more supportive. In any case like this how the son reacts, is usually the make it or break it factor.

[omega minimo]

6. There may be a fine line between a "meddling MIL"

and psychological torture, which this women seems to inflict to the point her own sanity is in question.

And the husband believes the MIL when she lies about things she did to his wife or the kids. :crazy:

The suggestion about friends or older relatives talking sense to the husband is a good idea. My friend doesn't have an advocate or friends (aside from women in similar situations) here, her family is in India.

Thanks LL.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

8. There's a certain kind of intimate brainwashing that can occur

within families when a person loses all ability to criticize anything their parent/spouse/lover/child does.

It's scary and sad to see a good person who has been taken in by a sociopath and defends that person's actions to their own detriment.

The husband may be in that kind of psychological bondage to his mother.

[intaglio]

4. Try asking these people in the UK

http://www.asianfamilycounselling.org.uk/index.htm for their advice

or this Canadian group. http://www.cassa.on.ca/SC/index.html

IIRC the problem of abuse of the son's wife by her mother-in-law is a familiar (but not necessarily common) problem in arranged marriages. Your friend does need to address it as a matter of urgency

[omega minimo]

7. Thank you so much. I'll check this out.

You're right-- this is urgent. As of Monday it seemed she was making quick (rash?) decisions.

Thanks for your help. :hi:

[omega minimo]

9. Brilliant

Both recommendations were so helpful, as much as they could be from outside the U.S. Really kind. And kind of you to help this way.

My friend is encouraged by the information both links provided. She is feeling strong and decisive. She found some uncles that are willing to help talk sense with her husband.

And she is concerned about her friends who are in WORSE situations. She's inspired to help women in this situation via a non-profit-- talking about starting one!

Thank you intaglio :hug: