Verbal Abuse...(as opposed to physical abuse)

[Triana]

...humiliating someone in front of neighbors, friends (yelling at them, disparaging them, insulting them), name-calling, verbal 'jabs' or verbal 'punches' (ie: hurtful remarks, for days or weeks, particularly after an argument). Telling someone they "deserve" to be yelled at, humiliated, called names because they "bring it on themselves".

What IS "verbal abuse"? Is it as bad as physical abuse?

Would YOU stay in a relationship where someone called you names? With someone who tried to convince you that you "deserve" to be talked to in a hurtful way because YOU are (angry, oversensitive, insecure, paranoid, imagining things, etc. etc... where the other person seemed to be trying to tear you down constantly)?

What do you think of someone telling another person "You DESERVE to be humiliated in public! You bring it on yourself!" This was a situation where the person being humiliated was taking too long to choose where to sit at a private dinner. This is why (s)he got yelled at in front of other dinner attendees. Then, later, when (s)he complained, (s)he was told "You DESERVE to be humiliated in public! You bring it on yourself!"

What do you think of this? Perspective? Women can be as verbally abusive as men so this is one area that it isn't more often men that are the 'abusers' (or - ARE they?).

Thoughts?

[saracat]

1. That is verbal abuse and can be every bit as bad as physical abuse.i

Physical abuse destroys the body verbal abuse destroys the soul. Leave the person!

[Triana]

7. I think they're trying counselling...

....though I doubt the verbally abusive person realizes or will admit his/her problem - and that it will therefore continue.

I do know that (s)he claimed to "not remember" saying that to the partner. People with abusive personalities often will lie or "not remember" their abuse, to undermine the credibility of the partner making the accusation - esp in a counselling setting.

[Sivafae]

2. There is so much more to verbal abuse than name calling

I would suggest a book called the Verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans. Great book. But no one ever deserves to be called a bitch by the one that is supposed to love them the most in the world. Ever.

[Triana]

6. I have that book!!

It is indeed excellent! I'm happy to know others think it's a good book. It certainly seems to be a picture of the relationship / persons in question.

[Nobody]

23. Thanks and I have another recommendation

Suzette Haden Elgin wrote a series on verbal abuse. It begins with "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense" and there are several books in the series. She deconstructs the structure of common verbal attack patterns and goes into detail on why they work and how to counter them.

Some of the verbal attacks are variations of:

If you really loved me, you would sleep with me.

If you really cared about your health, you wouldn't want to eat that poundcake.

Even George Bush could pass that class.

Everyone understands why you can't seem to be able to keep your house clean and your yard picked up.

Don't you even care about terrorism?

I wouldn't dream of telling you what to do, but you should not pile so much food on your plate.

Some people would assume you're not right in the head if they heard you voice an opinion like that.

Suzette Haden Elgin is of the opinion that verbal abuse is like toxic waste. You can't see it, it leaves no visible scars, but it's more deadly than obvious threats.

[Triana]

24. Thanks for reminding me. I have that book as well...

...haven't picked it up in a long time. I should certainly read it again!

[patricia92243]

3. I can guarantee you one thing - the person doing the yelling looked like a fool to all the other din

diners. They may have meant to make the spouse look bad "You are too slow" etc. But, it backfired - big time!!

The other diners would be saying "Can you imagine being married to that thing (the yeller)

It is verbal abuse, but of course physical abuse includes verbal abuse. A person is not going to black your eye and whisper sweet nothings to you at the same time.

About living in that situation: The person involved is the ONLY one that can really make that decision.

[Triana]

8. The abusive person also has yelled at the partner in front of neighbors..

...as well. And in front of friends. I had thought "wow, the neighbors/friends must think (s)he's a real ass".

I did!

[lukasahero]

12. "The other diners would be saying "Can you imagine..."

Are you sure? How many of them were actually asking "Why does s/he stay?"

[Warpy]

4. Seconded, dump that chump, lose that loser, drop that drip,

shed that schmuck. Verbal bullying generally turns physical, sooner or later.

Women had to take that crap in the 50s. We can get JOBS now and we don't have to stand for being browbeaten by men who want to break our spirits so we won't leave them.

That's the kind of male who gets divorced multiple times and ends up with a mail order bride from some hellhole. When she learns English, SHE leaves him.

[Triana]

9. This person hates committment....

....so that isn't something (s)he's after. Going through relationships like most people go through socks isn't a problem to the abuser. The cycle, if (s)he won't admit and get help for it, will continue, sadly.

[Bryn]

5. Yes

There is a word SWORD within WORDS therefore it HURTS

:patriot:

[Triana]

10. Damn right. Verbal fists are as hurtful as physical ones...

...and abusers try to 'tear' their parner down so the partner will accept or think (s)he "deserves" the abuse. It's all in that book. It's a good book though it makes me sick to read it and see what's happening.

Abusers also DENY their abuse. Or, blame the 'victim' for it. "You're oversensitive!" is all to common a statement from them.

Ugh.

[no_hypocrisy]

11. Verbal abuse is incrementally destructive.

The words reverberate in one's head as they are repeated and reflected upon, doing more damage each time they are reviewed. And when one hears a message meant to damage over and over, it becomes accepted as valid, destroying your soul. Unless you expect the other person to be abusive and/or manipulating, you trust their judgment to some extent. And studies in psychology, sociology, psychiatry have demonstrated that abuse generally starts with verbal abuse and progresses to physical abuse. The verbal abuse can be anything from being called a name to being criticized for being incompetent in any number of ways, even for just existing. I think however that verbal abuse doesn't have the same impact to inspire you to "fight back" like physical abuse. Therefore you are more likely to be a victim of it over a period of time as you just listen, cry, and "take it". (When my father stepped over the line with me as a youth, I did argue back, and it was suggested that I was suffering from oppositional defiant disorder rather than having a healthy self esteem.)

[Bobbieo]

13. How about 'emotional abuse'?

My first husband would get mad and not speak to me for 3 weeks. I finally got used to it and actually enjoyed the silence. One time when he decided to speak to me again, I told him to go f--- himself. Of course, he didn't speak to me for 3 more weeks!!!

[no_hypocrisy]

14. I don't see how you can have one without the other, IMO. n/t

[Triana]

15. Emotional abuse is part of it...

...and it does build up over time as the abuser tears down the person's self-esteem and self-image. Causes depression - then the abuser in this situation is bitching at the partner that (s)he's depressed. IE: blaming the partner for the RESULT of her/his long-term abuse.

[raccoon]

19. Not speaking to somebody is a form of emotional abuse.

And a terrible, passive-agressive one, I might add.

[Triana]

20. It certainly is - that's in Patricia Evans' book - 'the silent treatment' (n/t)

[Triana]

16. About self-esteem....

...I absolutely agree with you about self-esteem. A person with good self-esteem will not continue to accept abuse beyond a certain point. (S)he will realize (s)he's being abused and either leave the relationship, or try to get the person to recognize and stop their abuse (and then leave the relationship if that doesn't happen).

In the case I refer to, one complaint the abuser has about the partner is that (s)he has "low self-esteem" or "self-esteem" issues. Well! It's no wonder, eh?

The partner has been putting up with being torn down as a person by the abuser for 3+ years. IF there are self-esteem issues, I'd say there's a damn good reason for it. But I don't think there is, because the partner is recognizing that (s)he's being abused and starting to question it. The healthy self-esteem seems (so far) to be winning, finally.

[Bobbieo]

17. I quit my low paying job and went back to college to get my degree,

[applegrove]

18. Verbal abuse is terrible. A different kind of terrible than physical abuse.

But terrible.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

21. Continued verbal abuse can really mess up a person's head

They start to internalize and believe the negative messages, and worst of all, the abuser denies being abusive by saying, "I'm just talking." or "You can't stand the truth" or "You're a crybaby."

When you hear an adult say something like, "I'm always so stupid" or "I can never do anything right," or "I'm wrong, as usual," you have to suspect that they grew up with verbal abuse or are currently in a verbally abusive relationship.

[Triana]

22. "You're oversensitive"

...is the one I hear most often. That, and "oh, poor you, you're SUCH a victim" (mocking).

When someone says that to another person, chances are, that person IS A VICTIM of abuse. And the abuser is mocking him/her about it. It's beyond abuse. It's downright CRUEL.