Good Behavior List for Abusive Guys

[Triana]

Tex's List for Abusive Guys (Just in case any abusers happen to be looking in here, as we know they often are. And for the women in here so that they know it's reasonable to expect and demand respect in their relationships.)

Outlined by Tex, Edited by Dr. Irene
http://drirene.com/texlist_m.htm

Do You treat the woman in your life with the same courtesy, respect, affection, admiration, empathy, and emotional support you extend to your friends, your coworkers, your boss?

If you find yourself speaking in a negative way to your woman, in a way you know you would not speak to your friends (name calling, insulting, belittling, cursing, gesturing, ignoring, etc., etc.) - STOP. Ask yourself what is really bugging you - because its not her!

Whatever you ask for yourself from this woman, return same to her. If your cultural or other principles demand that you live your life as you choose, extend those expectations to her. Demand of yourself that you allow her to live life as she chooses, even if you think she would be better off doing it your way.

If you don't want her to invade your privacy, don't invade hers.

If you want her to respect your comfort level in things emotional and physical, respect hers.

If she feels she has been disrespected or poorly treated, don't try to argue your case. Simply believe her. Learn from what she has to say.

Be fair. This means you not only look at what she is doing in the relationship, but at what you are doing. Ask yourself some hard questions.

Be consistent. For example, if racism and sexism are wrong when committed by women, they are equally wrong when men or White, Black, Brown and Blue people participate in racist or sexist behavior.

Don't condemn her for behavior that you would excuse in your friends. Better yet, don't condemn anybody!

See her for who she is. Do not make her your mother or your first wife. Do not pin all the societal sins of "women" on him. She is an individual.

Listen to what she is saying. Listen with with your heart, and not your "law degree". Stop using being "protective" as an excuse to rule her.

Count to 10 or 100 or 1000 before you speak in anger! Sticks and stones will break her bones, but words will kill her spirit. Few things are more destructive to the bond of affinity and affection.

I add -- "You're imagining things!", "You're oversensitive!", "Bitch!", "You're just paranoid!", "That's just a lot of crap!" - all very judgemental, criticial, hurtful, blaming, abusive language. You...You...you...when a woman hears THAT, she should know she has a problem relationship on her hands. My abuser DESTROYED our friendship with this type of abuse. THEN he wanted to BE FRIENDS after we broke up! I told him that was not possible. He had DESTROYED our friendship.

Treat sex as a sacred gift, not an entitlement.

Learn to be an emotional partner. Not a senior partner, not a junior partner, but an equal partner. Work together for the common goals of the relationship. Work individually to support your partner's emotional self. The whole is bigger than the sum of its parts.

Compliment and encourage her. Resist judgmental-speak. Again, ask yourself, "Would I say this to my close friend?" If you wouldn't, don't say it now.

Be just. This means sometimes you won't get what you want. Sometimes she won't get what he wants. Without justice there is no relationship. I also add - without mutual RESPECT - there is no relationship.

Recognize that you have done these things out of your intimacy fears and distortions. You get angry when she does not give you what you think she should. You are afraid she will push you away first. You disrespect her for putting up with you.

The more you learn to tolerate emotional closeness without pushing-away behavior, the more you will learn to trust and appreciate the sense of peace and security emotional intimacy brings.

[diddlysquat]

1. This is really good. Thanks!

I especially like the "You disrespect her for putting up with you."

[Triana]

2. Welcome...I like that too...

...goes to show that women ought not to put up with disrespect in a relationship - 'cause they'll then just get more of it for tolerating it in the first place. Easier said than done though - setting boundaries and keeping them is a required skill (and one I haven't mastered yet!)

[Donald Ian Rankin]

3. I think that looking for justice in a relationship is a big mistake.

All the most successful relationships I've seen have been between two people who were/are both careful to ensure that they're giving in and acceding to the other person's wishes *more* than half the time.

If you're looking for equality, there are always going to be occasions when you think the other person has got more than is fair, and that will breed resentment. For a relationship to work, I think that both people have to make the decision to do their best to anticipate the other person's desires and subordinate their own to them in nearly all cases (a relationship can *last* if only one person is doing so, but I wouldn't describe that as "working").

Even aiming to be an "equal partner" is too much, I think. If questions of equality are arrising then you're placing too many demands.

Watching my parents competing to do the washing up is always amusing.