Feeling vulnerable

[militaryspouse]

Thinking to myself, I wonder if this is a 'female issues' concern or a societal concern.

Many times when I leave my house I worry about becoming a victim. I find myself rushing to my car at night or looking for the boogeyman. I've often wondered if other women feel this way?

[Demeter]

1. I Grew Up In Detroit--and Was Taught Caution

Nothing unusual in it at all. You are doing the right thing, just don't get crazy about it.

[noamnety]

2. That's the norm for women in our society

It's so much the norm that it's number 8 on the male privilege checklist.

http://colours.mahost.org/org/maleprivilege.html

[Breeze54]

3. I worry sometimes if I go out late at night

to run to the store. And lately I've been becoming obsessive about my son
locking the doors when he leaves or comes home. He laughs at me and says
I need to "calm down" but I keep hearing about home invasions etc. and the
victims; usually women, had forgotten to lock the doors. I live on a main
drag and close to the street, so anybody could walk by or in, if the doors
aren't locked! I don't want any surprises. I do plan on where I want to
park my car i.e. under a light, near the door of the place I'm going, etc.
And I don't live in a huge city but that doesn't matter anymore.

Welcome to DU, militaryspouse! :hi: Is your hubby home or deployed?

[stillcool]

4. I grew up with five boys...

and very little parental supervision. As a result I sometimes react to situations in what others may consider a paranoid manner. For me, it's realistic. My instincts have not always been correct, but lessons learned initiate response. I believe that a healthy society would protect itself against those predatory traits of human nature inherent in us all. Cause and effect is so apparent, the solution so obvious..yet only the effect is worthy of discussion.

[VelmaD]

5. this is how they keep us down...

by keeping us scared

I understand it...and I really don't like it

[DawnIsis]

6. My husband and I were at a Home Depot getting wood it was closing time

and we had so much stuff that once the car was loaded there was no room for me. We were only about 5 mins from our house and it was only 8pm so I told him I'd be fine to go drop the stuff at home and come back for me.

After he left a truck with 3 very unkempt men in it pull up and start harassing me. I could tell they had been drinking and kept trying to get me to come with them. Then they parked and one of them gets out and comes up to me and touching me, nothing too bad, and kept trying to get me into the truck.

Anyway, my husband shows up and the guys take off. Since then I have not been allowed out after dark without my husband. It's so sad and we live in a really nice area.

[lukasahero]

7. "Since then I have not been allowed out after dark without my husband"

There is so much wrong with this statement, I don't know where to begin. Believe me, I am not criticizing you or your husband or you for making the statement/thinking this way. I am criticizing a world, a society where these words are even contemplated, never mind reality.

This is, indeed, how we are kept "in our place".

Sorry you had to experience that.

[DawnIsis]

12. I can certainly see the wrong in my statement I assure you but my hubby

is a great guy and very supportive of women's right. After I re-read my post I see how it would seem HE DOESN'T LET ME OUT but a more appropriate description would be that he felt really guilty about leaving me there and was beside himself with the "what if's" and the guilt he would have felt if something really bad had happened.

If I insisted on going somewhere at night alone he would let me but he would be worried not because he wants to control me but because there are some crazy f'ers out there.

[lukasahero]

13. I really tried to word that in a way

that didn't make you feel you or your husband were being attacked. I apologize that I didn't get that across clearly enough.

What I am frustrated with is the fact that you and your husband HAVE to be worried, that the reality is that you could be hurt and that, if you were, everyone but the person responsible for hurting you would feel guilty about it and, just as likely, questioned about it.

Please accept my apologies for not making that clear.

[DawnIsis]

14. No apology necessary, I didn't feel attacked at all just stupid for how I worded my post

:hug:

[noamnety]

15. I cringed when I read your wording

but also I completely understood it. You aren't the only woman I know in that situation.

One of my friends has a husband - a former military guy, coincidentally - who drives her to work every morning, picks her up every night. It's directly related to her ending up in a neck brace with a dislocated limb after an assault. He was serving overseas at the time, it's not like he even could have been there to prevent it, but reactions sometimes are what they are.

[lukasahero]

8. I refuse to live in fear

I've been hassled, harrassed, groped, touched... Oh hell, I travel the metro in Boston, you name it, it's pretty well happened. I still refuse to live in fear. I think I'm just really naive and maybe a little psychotic looking. ;)

Seriously, though, I'm pretty small but I have really only had real damage and real fear bestowed on me by my ex-husband. I think strangers wonder what's up with a small chick walking the streets of Boston alone at night - maybe they figure I must have a gun.

At any rate, like I said, the only person who has ever saddled me with real damage was an intimate partner. I guess I stopped being afraid of strangers when I realized that those who would do me harm are just as likely to be those that claim to love me.

[militaryspouse]

9. ..

Thanks for the welcome.

I have actually heard ppl almost blame rape victims for being out late at night:(

Only reason why i try not too go out at night is b/c I'd be too jittery, also to lesson the chances of rape robbery etcI don't think the majority are trying to keep us down. I don't know what that means...but I know too many creeps walk among us.

[lukasahero]

11. Where are you from militaryspouse?

Please don't take this as snarky - I'm really curious. I'm also curious as to how old you are. If you're older than I think, and this is an insult of assumption, I do apologize. I'm just actually charmed by your statement "I have actually heard ppl almost blame rape victims for being out late at night." Seriously. You make it sound like that's uncommon in your life where it's the most common reaction to rape I have heard through all my life. "What was she wearing?" "She should have known better than to..." "Why didn't she....?"

Both men and women say it. I can't speak for men (not being one of them) but I think women do it to make themselves feel less vulnerable. ("If I don't do these things, I will be safe...") Unfortunately, that's not even remotely true but we, as a people, grasp on to whatever we can when faced with crimes and thoughts that terrify us. (Sort of how we ended up in Iraq over false claims of "fighting terror"... But I digress.)

And yes, welcome to DU. If the statement you make about people "actually almost" blaming women for rape really surprises you, hold on to your hat - you're in for a bumpy ride here. ;)

[Warpy]

10. I've never had the luxury of feeling safe

not as a child, not as a teenager, not as an old bag, not in my car, not in a store, not walking anywhere, not even in my home.

I think we all live with a certain amount of fear in the background generated by patriarchy to keep us in line.

Some of us are more aware of it and some less. We all have it.

Men will never understand this.