Hey, I am in need of a little help....

[PianoBlack]

I'm kinda new here on DU and I really couldn't find any other place to turn.

I'm dating someone with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to rape. It happened to her about...5...6 years ago and it is causing certain relationship issues. Does anyone know of a support group for people dating rape victims? I want to know what ways I can help her to cope and heal...but I feel like there is nothing I can do.

[Lerkfish]

1. I just googled and came up with..

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=healing+rape+victims+support&btnG=Google+Search

I can't vouch for any of the links, though.

I know what you mean, I was an RA in a dorm in college, and one of the guys on my floor's girlfriend was raped, so they were going through a tough time (obviously). I reccommended the local rape crisis center that ended up being very helpful. I don't know what they suggested but it seemed to help.

[PianoBlack]

2. Thank you so much.

[Lerkfish]

3. no problem, I hope everything works out.

[PianoBlack]

4. I am certain it will go fine....

I'm not giving up on her, not for anything.

[shireen]

5. you're doing a very good thing

I have no first-hand information to give you. But if I had a friend in a similar situation, the first thing I'd do is run a google search for resources. Just searching with the words ptsd rape yielded a lot of useful information, and if you add the name of your town or city to the search, you'll find local support groups.

For any kind of major traumatic event, she needs to understand that she is not alone. She may know it at an intellectual level, but this is much harder to grasp at a deeper, more fundamental emotional level. That realization will come as she spends time with other victims, as she begins to empathize with their experiences. However, no one will ever fully understand her ordeal. Not even other victims. This experience is uniquely hers, and it's important to recognize that. There is no generic rape victim, there are no generic procedures in the healing process. She'll have a lot emotional support and guidance, but ultimately, it's her life and only she can decide how to deal with that trauma.

Different people can help her heal in different ways. You, her friends, and family, can do it with unconditional non-judgmental support, empathy, love, and friendship. In a support group, she will receive the understanding, empathy, and wisdom of other victims, and someday, she will be in a position to help others. Let her proceed at her own pace; it's important for the people in her life to not impose expectations on her recovery.

Being in a support group is a two-way street. The victims who are helping her are also doing it for themselves. By helping others heal, they are also nurturing themselves in a positive way. Some day, she will feel strong and confident enough to help another woman or man who has been a victim of this horrible crime.

Support groups come in different forms, and she should select a group or medium of communication that feels right for her. Some people prefer face-to-face meetings where they can verbally share their thoughts (like AA). Some people express themselves better with the written word, and for them, an online support group works well. If you recall, Elizabeth Edwards had a wonderful internet breast cancer support group ... they did not know each others names, or what they looked like, yet the members forged a close supportive relationship. I've got a similar group for my blood coagulation disorder -- the information and support I've received from them has been absolutely incredible.

Again, thank you so much for caring. You're a treasure. :)

[iverglas]

6. the voice of experience here ...

... doesn't have a whole lot of advice, unfortunately.

My ptsd is complex, involving several experiences over my lifetime from childhood to very recently, one of which was abduction and rape/near murder over 30 years ago.

What I can say is: what your friend needs more than anything is to feel safe.

My own fear never manifested in things like nightmares, flashbacks, being afraid to go out alone at night or that sort of thing. It was much more insidious. It is only recently that I have realized how fear has affected my life. I am fearless in practice, but I am always, always on guard for situations in which people want to hurt me -- not necessarily physically, but to take away my control over my life, to control my environment, to overwhelm or imprison me either literally or metaphorically -- and in a state of preparedness to fend off the threat.

It is important for her, and for you, to understand how she feels and why. Reading about ptsd can help. If she has any feelings of guilt or self-blame for what happened to her, that may be the first thing that has to be dealt with. Reading can help with that too -- as has been said here, the knowledge that she is not alone, that she is a victim of a phenomenon, a pattern, an historical reality, and of course of someone who caused her harm, not of her own stupidity or wrongdoing.

You can sensitively recommend places and people where she could get help of that nature, to understand what happened to her and how it has affected her, and to find ways of dealing with her feelings.

For your actual question, where you can get help -- try any resource you can think of. A local sexual assault crisis/support centre, community mental health organization, university/college health services, your family doctor for a referral to a professional or organization that you can afford or your insurance will cover. Ditto for your friend, if she is not getting any support/therapy at present.

But the very best thing you can do, personally, for her, is to help her feel safe and in control of her life. By helping her feel safe, I don't mean being over-protective in relation to the outside world; in fact, that would be taking away her control of her own life. I mean, within your relationship, taking special care not to present any threat to her security yourself. Keep appointments, keep promises, don't give any appearance of wanting or trying to control her behaviour. Be honest. Don't do anything that suggests you are exploiting her in any way -- emotionally, sexually, financially.

I definitely don't mean to say that you should create a situation in which she feels that her safety and security depend on you -- that you are her protector or will provide the solution to her feelings of insecurity about anything in her life. Odds are that your relationship will end at some time, and everyone suffers a feeling of the loss of safety and security when that happens. If one person suffered from this kind of pathological fear and insecurity to start with, and the other was a prop to compensate for it and then chooses to leave, obviously the effects will be worse than for most.

So I guess I'd just say that you should try not to make her situation worse, by doing everything you can not to reinforce the fear and insecurity she probably feels about life in general, and giving her the opportunity to experience safety. But don't try to create a safe world for her. And don't promise her a rose garden -- that you will always be there for her, that she can always rely on you. It's unrealistic and it doesn't solve her problems. Just try to give her a safe place within the world, for now, so that she can experience that little bit of safety. She's going to have to deal with the world herself. And frankly, she may never be able to do it as she could have if she had not had that experience. And you may not be able to deal with her inability to do it.

I'm a difficult person, undoubtedly in part because of my experiences and the fear I have been left with and the mechanisms by which I cope with it -- basically, I don't put up with any shit, ever. People who intrude into my life in ways beyond my control, however seemingly minor the intrusion, are a threat to my safety and security, in my perception. I've had to start adjusting my reactions to shit, and even though it feels "wrong" to back off when it happens, it's like getting rid of any bad habit. I once said to a psychologist I see occasionally that I might not want to lose my fear, because without it, I might not be me. How unhealthy is that, eh? But how unsafe it feels to set about eliminating something that has been part of one's identity for so long ...

If she does want to talk to you, listen. She doesn't want to know your feelings -- your anger at what happened to her, your sadness at how she feels, your frustration with the effects it has on her and your relationship. She needs you to understand, and you can do and say things that show you understand. Learn and anticipate what makes her feel afraid or threatened. Don't condemn her for how she reacts, irrational or counter-productive as it may seem. But if she is not doing something to understand and cope with her feelings, and adjust her own behaviour, it may be that the relationship will become too unpleasant for you to continue.

I'm afraid I've wandered a little here. Not knowing what the problems you're having are, I'm kind of firing in the dark; yours and your friend's may not resemble what I've experienced. But if this does sound familiar -- if your friend is "difficult", say -- this may help a little in understanding where it comes from, and what she's facing if she is to overcome it. You can support her in that process, but she has to engage in it.

[PianoBlack]

7. I appricate all the help

but she is already taking the first step towards her recovery, being alone. Instead of being upset about it instead I'm just being supportive and will continue to be reguardless of what she decides. Thanks much....