Need some friendly advice

[lostwilderness]

My hubby is coming back again for the 3rd time.

To be honest I'm not looking forward to him coming home. Please i ask that nobody judge me until you finish reading. i have been told that i knew what i was getting into when i married a military man, and that now i just need to suck it up. Yes i knew what i was getting into but not to this extent.

I feel bad that i'm not excited about my husband coming back in a few weeks, i should be happy, relieved, and excited, but I feel the total opposite emotions right now.He left the first time when we were still dating. He pretty much came back the same guy he was when he left. We got married soon after he got back, and about a yr later he got re-deployed, this time when he came back he was totally different. He had less patience, he wanted sex alll the time, and would get mad if I said no. He was very snappy and impatient with me. At first I was bothered by it but not too concerned as this is somewhat normal behavior and they usually grow out of it over time. Then things got worse instead of better. We got into a fight over me going back to school, and he kept giving me reasons why right now is not the right time to go, with bills blah,blah,blah. I usually just bite my tongue to keep the peace, but this time I went off, and said something to the effect of me being his wife and not an insurgent,thats when he went ballistic. He threw me up against the wall, and started hitting and shouting at me. To be honest, till this day i don't even remember or know what he said b/c it was all a blur, and once he got physical I couldn't think straight. I have never been deathly afraid of another human in all my life. I went to a motel and stayed for 4or 5 days confused not knowing what to do. I didn't really know anyone as we had just moved to a new duty station, and i didn't want to tell family b/c they would have been on a plane to come and get me(plus i have very protective brothers it wouldnt have been pretty) My husband came to the motel(found out where i was from my debit card) told me how sorry he was and that he needed help, how he didnt want to loose me etc etc. That was the first time i had ever seen him cry or beg so i knew he was serious, that he loved me and wanted this to work. Fast forward about 2 yrs later things were touch and go,he was very unpredictable but i can say that he at least tried. there were two more episodes of physical violence but no where near a bad as the first time he beat me(they were single hits, not constant hitting) I got pregnant but had a chemical pregnancy. I didn't get pregnant on purpose,I was on the pill and hubby told me i should stop taking them bcuz he wanted a family. Then after the converation the pills mysteriously disapeared.i can't prove it but i know he threw them out

By the time he was about to go for the third time, i guess you can say we were stable, i started to fear him less, and the communication between us got better. He was supposed to be gone for 12-15 months this time but he was only gone for about 4 months when he injured his ankle pretty bad. Right now he is in the sates but not home,ad he's getting rehab on it, then in about 2 more weeks they are sending him home, but we don't know if they will send him back(he'll have follow up therapy here) or keep him home. I am nervous because he doesn't sound good on the phone, he sounds like he did the 2nd time he went, and i just feel like it's going to be the same thing all over again. I feel like i would be a b**** if i left him now, what would people think and say, would he be suicidal? These are the haunting questions that plague me everyday. I need to get advice from unbiased sources. I have another online support group for military wives, and the consensus is not to leave,to wait and see, but i am afraid of what he's capable of.

[NV Whino]

1. You need to talk to a professional

and get some advice. Call your doctor or clergy person. They could direct you to the proper venue. I doubt anything military would be much help to you.

[lostwilderness]

2. Thanks

Sometimes it'easier talking anonymousley.

[iverglas]

13. anonymous may be easier

but if you want to do more than talk, you absolutely have to get assistance in real life.

"Friendly advice" really isn't what you need. You need real help. You need to talk to someone who

- is competent
- knows the facts of your situation
- can assess your needs
- can help you organize ways to meet your needs
- has your best interests at heart

No one here or anywhere else on line meets those criteria.

Even if someone on line is competent -- has the experience and qualifications to be trusted to do the rest properly -- no one who doesn't talk to you in person can learn the facts that s/he needs to know, and assess your needs, and help you do the real-life things you need to do.

And no stranger on line can be trusted to have your best interests at heart. A professional in real life must not allow personal feelings or beliefs or agendas to affect how s/he treats you. That is not the case for strangers on the internet.

You have a very real and serious problem. You have to deal with it. You can't deal with it by avoiding dealing with it. It is not going to get better or go away by itself.

You have to find someone who is competent and has your best interests at heart to talk to. It might be that someone in the military or the clergy could meet those qualifications. It might be that they would both have an agenda -- to persuade you to stay with your husband -- even if that was not in your best interests.

My own friendly advice is the same as some others' here: get out now. (Or, if it's possible and moving would be financially difficult, stay where you are and take steps to prevent him from returning there.) You need to protect yourself in the short term while you work on how to solve the problem in the long term.

We can all tell you that no one ever deserves to suffer violence, and there is no excuse for violence, and all of that, but you are the one who has to believe that, and us telling you isn't likely going to make you believe it deep down.

You are not responsible for your husband's actions. You are not responsible for the events in his life that have contributed to making him who he is. So you are not responsible for fixing what is broken in him.

You may quite reasonably feel that you have a responsibility to him, to do what you can to make his life better and to make a life with him.

But you did not sign up to get hurt, either physically or emotionally. When he does that, and keeps doing it, he is the one shirking his responsibilities, not you. Even if it seems that it's not "his fault". It is also not your fault -- but you're the one he's taking his problems out on.

You may want to keep trying to fulfil the responsibility you feel you have to him, but you do not have to get hurt while you're doing it. Any responsibility you have to him is to help him as best you can without getting hurt. He does not have the right, within your relationship, to expect you to put up with getting hurt in order to help him.

And it won't help him. Not at all. You getting hurt is not going to help him solve his problems. And if you end up seriously hurt, he's going to end up in prison.

So even if you can't help looking at this problem as him being a victim, and even if he really is, you are not helping him by staying and getting hurt.

Look in the front of your phone book for a local service for victims of abuse, talk to your doctor, talk to your clergyperson, call a local women's clinic -- find someone to talk to in real life.

And to end on a slight down note: be careful, whatever else you do. First, becoming pregnant in this situation could put you at risk. Second, leaving him could put you at risk. I don't know you, I don't know him, so I don't know whether this is the case for you, but this has to be said. Don't use your debit card to pay for a motel, if you don't want him to know where you are -- use it to get cash at a public place, and use cash to pay for purchases -- and get your own accounts as soon as possible of course. There are people who can help you with all these things, in real life. Please contact them!

[sam sarrha]

5. seek help from professionals familiar with war PTSD, and concussion brain damage, there are several

sources on the web

[sam sarrha]

3. might tag requirement of family counseling on the return.. long time councling...and have

a planed escape route he can't follow, hide your pills.

sorry, this is common FOR bU$H WAR VETS, if he has had several concussions, the resulting depression from this sort of brain damage can lead to violence...

he needs to understand his situation and that he needs LONG TERM help, if he doesn't agree and actually seek and participate.. and agree to abstaining from all drugs and ALCOHOL....i see no good end to this OTHERWISE

i had an abusive wife who stabbed me twice and lacerated my shoulder with a vicious bite that went gangrenous. me..i'd run if he couldn't agree to help. and run if he quit going to the help

what ever your choice, get your ducks in row and keep one saddled..

****edited..... i missed the part of your post where you said he already hit you, i go word blind if there are not some spaces in big blocks

i have Zero tolerance for that.. but i also personally experienced domestic violence.. and stayed,..i DO NOT recommend it, it only gets worse. IT IS TRAGIC, BUT HE MAY BE ANOTHER SOUL LOST TO BU$H's INSANITY.. ONE OF MILLIONS..

you may have to lose him, but cry from the roof tops about the work of this insane dicktator..

[nightrider767]

4. Wow, I disagree with all the advice you are getting.

You have to remember, when a man batters a woman, not only is there no justification for that, but it is not normal behavior. So your guy has got a problem and it's not going to change soon.

It doesn't matter if he's in the military, it doesn't matter if he's a Medal of Honer winner.

You're responsible for your own life and happiness. You only have one shot to make a life for yourself. No one's gonna do that for you.

If you are afraid, as you sound now, you need to protect yourself. Drop your sense of guilt. If anything, you are enabling this person, and that's not helping him. Not to mention you seem to be on separate tracks in life. you want to educate and better yourself, he doesn't like that idea.

I would recommend moving on. Move out, make your own life.

There are happy people in this world. There are happy lives. But you have to avoid people who bring you down or you'll never have neither. Get over your guilt.

Good luck Amiga!!!

[sam sarrha]

6. sorry....... i am dyslexic and diddnt see the 'Hitting' part.. i get sorta blind when people make

huge blocks like she did..

i made an error... 'sorry no tollerance'. but if you do go back, as so many do, my post still applies..

she may not have ability to run... i stayed for our child, that was even a mistake

[unhappycamper]

7. PTSD fact sheet from the IVAW

http://www.ivaw.org/ptsdfactsheet

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD Fact Sheet


What Is Post traumatic Stress Disorder?

Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, has been long associated with war veterans. It was called “Shell Shock” in WWI, “Combat Neurosis” during WW II, and eventually recognized as an anxiety disorder by the American Psychiatric Association and termed PTSD. PTSD usually sets in up to several months after the most recent trauma, and can last years or even a lifetime.
What Causes PTSD?

As the name implies, PTSD is caused by trauma. During war, taking part in and/or witnessing the brutal and violent acts of battle. However, PTSD can also be brought on by non-combat acts of brutality or violence toward combatants or civilians. There are many PTSD vets who have never been aggressive towards others, but who may suffer feelings of profound guilt by mere association with such acts of violence. In any case, PTSD is clearly triggered by violence in warfare.
What are the Signs and Symptoms of PTSD?

Re-experiencing traumatic events (obsessive recollections, flashbacks or intrusive thoughts, nightmares), avoidant symptoms (fear of being with people), signs of hyper arousal (easily startled, irritable), avoiding experiences or people that trigger memories of such event(s), increased arousal, to include nervousness, over-reaction to sudden noises, difficulty sleeping (night sweats), and nightmares, bouts of rage and/or depression, difficulty relating emotionally to others, feelings of extreme alienation and meaninglessness, isolation from others, in extreme cases, persistent thoughts of murder and-or suicide. Symptoms can take months or even years to develop.

What Do I Do If I Think I Have PTSD?

PTSD is difficult to recognize, because soldiers are socialized to believe that admitting to feeling bad is weak and that seeking professional help is often viewed negatively and discouraged by the Chain of Command. The best thing you can do is get yourself the care you deserve and improve your quality of life even if there is “peer pressure” not to. Seek out help from a trained mental health professional. You can do this on your installation or through the VA if you are not on active duty. If you are diagnosed, you should immediately call 1-800-827-1000, and ask to be connected to the Veterans Administration Regional Office. Once connected, ask for instructions on how to apply for services related to PTSD. Do NOT take no for an answer. Depending on the VA facility, or individual VA employee, you may be discouraged from filing a claim. Even if they tell you that you are not entitled, demand the application paperwork and file it.

What Is The Treatment For PTSD?

Treatment for PTSD involves therapy and sometimes medication. Medication should be a supplement to therapy, not the primary mode of care. In addition to talking to a therapist, you may also have Vets4Vets, a veterans support group near you, www.vets4vets.us.
Resources

* National Gulf War Resource Center
* National Center for PTSD


http://www.ivaw.org/ptsdfactsheet



I wish you luck, heath and happiness.

Peace,
unhappycamper

[sam sarrha]

8. my father was a shell shocked WW2 vet,.. my childhood was HELL,

DAILY TORTUROUS HELL.. CONSTANT BEATINGS, BERATING.. alcoholism.

our insane wet brain alcoholic AWOL DESERTER president will block all help for them.. he hates the troops out of shame because of his own military cowardice.

[classof56]

11. I am so sorry what you went through growing up. The ongoing tragedy of war.

And also the tragedy of your domestic situation. Far too many families will be facing this in the future, and it's especially terrible that their desperately-needed help will not be there, thanks to Bush. The only thing I take issue with is the idea that Bush feels shame for anything. I am convinced he feels NOTHING for ANYONE except himself and his cronies who are getting rich and ruining our country by his and their policies. It's ugly, ugly, ugly, like we are all victims of an insidious form of domestic violence whose ill effects will last for generations.

Peace and blessings to you.

[sam sarrha]

15. i agree he is shameless, i am just over medicated after a catastrophic accident.. he attacking

preemptively because he knows everybody knows he deserted his post in time of war because he couldn't pass a drug test..and they weren't going to let him fly drunk and stoned anymore.. he was an alcoholic and coke head addict.. they didn't want him killing a real soldier F'n up again

[Book Lover]

9. First of all

:hug:

Second of all - make an appointment with your GYN or Planned Parenthood or whoever, but get an IUD, now. He can't throw that out.

Third of all - I agree with the first poster that you need professional advice; make an appointment with a professional counselor with the goal of setting up a game plan for his homecoming. You've got to have a plan for your first, second, etc encounters with him for the first week or so.

You are not just this man's wife and support system. You are a free human with responsibilities to yourself as well as to your husband. Who gives a shit who thinks you are a bitch or not? Do you want bruises delivered by your husband's fist to be the proof that you aren't a bitch? What about his responsibilities to you? I think that sort of includes not being violent.

[Sadie4629]

10. Get. Out. NOW.

Seriously. You should not be in a relationship where you are physically abused. EVER. For any reason. In what you have described, I see the typical pattern of an abusive relationship. He hits. He's sorry. Everything is sunshine and roses--for a while. Tension starts to build. It culminates with another episode of physical abuse. And then the cycle starts all over again.

I think this has less to do with his military experience than it does with the fact that he has probably always had a problem with anger management and self-control. He most likely just hid it better before his deployment.

As for "what people will think" my opinion is, DON'T CARE. I am in a pretty dysfunctional marriage, (no physical abuse, but there are all kinds of dysfunctions . . .) and I knew it within months. I considered getting out, but thought, "What will my mother say? What will my aunt say? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." Well, it is now 29 years later, I am still unhappy as hell, and my mother and aunt are both DEAD! They no longer have opinions, and they won't have to spend the next 30 or 40 years in a lonely marriage. I will.

It will be far easier for you to leave now than it will once you have kids, maybe a mortgage, whatever. Do it now. Finish your education. Become self-sufficient. Treat yourself well. And only after those things have been accomplished should you look for another relationship.

JMHO

[Warpy]

12. I second that

You both need help at this point and you both need to get it, but one of you should not have to risk her life while the other gets it.

Once they start to hit, they don't stop unless they are motivated to stop. That's not going to happen while you stay.

You are not letting him down. You are trying to save your life.

You don't know what will happen. After treatment, you might be back together until your diamond wedding anniversary. Just recognize the odds are against it and if you try to stay now, one of you will be dead long before then.

This is serious. Your life is in danger.

[noamnety]

14. From reading your post

it sounds like in your heart you already know what you should do.

[WildClarySage]

16. Please, PLEASE contact your local domestic violence

shelter and talk to an advocate about services they offer. Find out ahead of time what their shelter requirements and procedures are, if they offer transitional housing assistance, counseling, and/or legal advocacy, for starters. How long can you stay at the shelter? What are the shelter rules and regs? What safety measures are in place to protect residents?

Start a journal detailing any abusive incidents and details you recall from the past, and add to it any new incidents as soon after they happen as you can. Remember to include time/date, words and actions as accurately as you can detail them, and any witnesses present at the time. Write down any mental, verbal and physical abuse, how you responded, and how you felt (threatened, sad, angry, etc.) Judges and law enforcement officers say this kind of recordkeeping is very persuasive when it comes to getting and enforcing protective orders, and deciding matters of divorce settlements and custody issues. Gives you LOTS of credibility and diminishes his tremendously.

Plan ahead for the safety of any pets. Many vets will work with DV shelter clients to board pets short-term. Ask at the local shelter which, if any, kennels/vets they have arrangements with, and if they can't help, call and ask around at different kennels and vets yourself. If you can't find somewhere to take your beloved animals, remember that they are very special but you owe it to yourself to be safe first and foremost. I've seen the tragic results of women staying because of a beloved pet. I know they're wonderful, but you are too, and you have to put your safety first.

You mentioned you don't have children... if someone else reading this does have kids, keep them safer by letting their school know that they are not to be picked up by anyone other than you without your written or verbal notification and only by someone presenting ID. Give the schools and the kids a code word to let them know it's ok to go with someone (who knows the code word) in the event you're detained. You can also be safer when exchanging kids for visitation at a supervised visitation center or a public location. Keeping visitations and other custody issues in the hands of a third party (such as a child advocate or a visitation center case worker) can keep you safe from manipulation and power struggles.

Tell your boss, HR department, etc. your situation so they can assist in keeping you safe. Abusers assume that you'll want to avoid a scene and will go off with them when they show up at your job "just to talk". Don't be afraid of a scene. Alerting your boss to your situation can make you feel more empowered should he show up. Your supervisor may also be able to authorize security to help keep you safe, depending on where you work. Your employer needs to know your situation so that any safety risks to other employees can be considered. Always walk with a coworker to your car when you leave, and park as close to the entrance as you possibly can. Your supervisor or HR department may be able to assign you a closer or more visible parking space.

In the event that you need to leave your home quickly, it helps to have a stashed kit that includes personal hygiene items, change of clothes, whatever cash you manage to save/hide, your social security card and birth certificate, marriage license if you have one, and other important legal documents, and any important keepsakes that you'd be heartbroken to lose. Abusers love to destroy belongings, especially things with sentimental value. Don't overload your escape kit, though. Keep it as portable as possible. You may want to leave it with a friend or a relative. At home, always make a note of where your purse is located, so that if you have to run, you can grab it on the way out.

Stay safe, PM me if you need more information or have any questions, but don't forget that computers are notoriously hard to 'clean' and abusers often keep tabs on internet activities such as sites visited and emails.

[Katherine Brengle]

17. The minute your partner hit you, your marriage ended.

I'm sorry, and I don't mean to sound cold, but this is my opinion.

No one has the right to abuse you, and there is no excuse good enough.

My husband spent 6 months in Fallujah, and if he ever did anything like that to me I wouldn't hesitate to walk out the door. There is no excuse good enough.

Get away, and then get some help.

And please don't get pregnant - forcing a pregnancy on you is just another form of control and abuse.

[lostwilderness]

18. thanks

Thank for all the advice and suggestions. Sorry for not seperating my paragraphs. We talked about this for a long time sat evening, and i told him everything i've been feeling lately. i told him i'm scared of a repeat of what happened last time. He said he's only been on edge lately bcuz he feels he's let his brothers down(bcuz of his ankle) that if i ever felt afraid of him i could go stay with a friend or family, but he assured me he wouldn't put his hands on me and reminded me it's been at least a yr since the last time he hit me. I am not making excuses but he has only done it 3 times. the last time he had been up 24 hrs and he was stressed about something. I would feel terrible if he didn't have anyone greet him off the plane so i'm not going to make any rush decisions.

i do hide my pills now, the pills are the only thing that work for me without side effects. i've tried depo and the iud. if he hit me again, i am gone and he knows it. I do feel a little better after talking to him, and he says he's going to try and avoid doing or saying things that scare me. thanks for all the thoughtful posts. I will keep you updated.

[Love Bug]

19. You've gotten lots of good advice here but I'd like to add one more thing

I was a military wife at one time. I didn't have to deal with an abusive spouse, but I do know a little about what makes them tick.

You can roll over for him or you can get tough. Tough is one language they understand. Here's what you need to tell him before you see him:

Tell him if he ever lays a finger on you again you will call the police. Tell him your next phone call will then be to his company commander. Tell him you are planning to go to a counselor outside of the military and when he gets home you expect him to go with you, but if he even looks funny at you, you will go to one on base. They fear this most of all because they think that what you tell them will get into their permanent military record. (The military says it doesn't but no one believes that.) Since he clearly cares about himself and his military career more than he cares about you, perhaps that threat will give him the incentive he needs to get help.

If you decide you just can't get that tough with him, then you really don't have any other choice but to leave and NOW before he gets home. Right now he's thinking with his dick -- he's desperate to get laid because he hasn't had any for months and is saying what you want to hear so he can get some when he gets home. Frankly, as long as he continues to make excuses for his abuse (which is what he is doing) and refuses counseling, don't hold out much hope for your marriage surviving. As things are now, he will hit you again -- you know that, don't you? Right now he has no incentive not to. The next time something goes wrong, or he gets drunk, or whatever the excuse, he will take it out on you. Post-traumatic stress or not, it won't matter what triggers it if you end up in the hospital or worse.

"Only three times" is still three times too many. You are making excuses for him. Time to love him a little less and yourself a lot more. You can't fix him -- that's something he has to do for himself.

Sorry to be so harsh, but you asked for advice.

[goddess40]

20. This needs to be taught to all when they are young

If women knew from young on that hitting was wrong and knew the right thing to do if hit - get out - life would be so much better for everyone. If boys knew from young on that if they hit or threatened to hit their partner was going to leave they would have to develop better relationship skills. I also know that these lessons should be talked about in our schools but that isn't likely because no one wants to be the one that says that some kids parent is an asshole.

[Triana]

22. PLEASE listen to Katherine...and Love Bug

...they're absolutely right. Hard as it is to hear/read, it's the truth.

Best Wishes!

:hug:

[Triana]

21. Ughhh

DO NOT have children with this man. If you haven't, DON'T. That will not fix anything and the child will be subject to the same abuse and it IS abuse. Then, the child will either become an abuser or a victim.

It is abuse and it is not justified no matter what. Your tolerance for it needs to be zero.

You must protect yourself - no one else will. His crying and such is called 'hoovering' for obvious reasons and it is part of the Cycle of Violence. If you don't know what that is go here:

http://www.edvp.org/AboutDV/cycle.htm

He is manipulating you.

Nothing you do or do not do will change his behavior because it's HIS behavior. You can't change it. He has problems. You cannot fix them.

You can only protect yourself and get away and you should - as disruptive, difficult and painful as that is.

GET HELP. Go to your local DV center, TELL YOUR FAMILY - LET them help you, or find a counsellor to get support and access / info about resources. DON'T endure this alone. You don't have to.

I will send you some links in a PM...(edit: guess I won't 'cause you can't receive PMs yet)