Man Finally Put In Charge Of Struggling Feminist Movement

[Demeter]

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/man_finally_put_in_charge_of?utm_source=onion_rss_daily

WASHINGTON—After decades spent battling gender discrimination and inequality in the workplace, the feminist movement underwent a high-level shake-up last month, when 53-year-old management consultant Peter "Buck" McGowan took over as new chief of the worldwide initiative for women's rights.
McGowan, who now oversees the group's day-to-day operations, said he "couldn't be happier" to bring his ambition, experience, and no-nonsense attitude to his new role as the nation's top feminist.

"All the feminist movement needed to do was bring on someone who had the balls to do something about this glass ceiling business," said McGowan, who quickly closed the 23.5 percent gender wage gap by "making a few calls to the big boys upstairs." "In the world of gender identity and empowered female sexuality, it's all about who you know."

McGowan, who was selected from a pool of roughly 150 million candidates, made eliminating sexual harassment his first priority before working on securing reproductive rights for women in all 50 states, and promoting healthy body images through an influx of strong, independent female characters in TV, magazines, and film.

"It's about time," McGowan said upon returning from a golf game with several "network big boys" in which he brokered a deal to bring a variety of women's sports to prime-time television. "These ladies should have brought me on years ago."

McGowan claimed that one of the main reasons the movement enjoyed so little success in the past was that the previous management was often too timid and passive and should have been much more results-focused.

"You can't waste time pussyfooting around with protests and getting all emotional about a bunch of irrelevant details," McGowan said. "If you want to enjoy equal rights, you have to have a real man-to-man chat with the people in charge until you can hammer out some more equitable custody laws."

"And don't get me started on how disorganized and scatterbrained their old fundraising methods were," McGowan added. "Let's just say the movement never really had a head for numbers."

After McGowan successfully appointed three of his best men to lead Smith College's women's studies department and called in some favors to a number of powerful board chairmen to triple the number of female CEOs in Fortune 500 companies, analysts predicted that the feminist movement could achieve all of McGowan's goals by as early as 2009.

"With a charismatic, self-assured guy like Pete pulling the strings, we might even see a female elected president one of these days," said Nathan Roth, an analyst at the Cato Institute. "Finally, the feminist movement has a face that commands respect."

McGowan, however, said he didn't get into the business of women's rights for the praise.

"What these women were able to accomplish with the little manpower they had is very impressive," McGowan said. "I just bring a certain something to the table—I'm not sure what—that gave us that extra little push into complete female independence. I guess it just comes naturally."

But despite his modesty, McGowan continues to garner praise from those closest to the cause.

"The whole movement just seems more legitimate with Buck in charge," leading feminist Gloria Steinem said at a gala dinner Friday. "His drive, focus, and determination are truly remarkable. Mr. McGowan is a man with a plan."

Although he has not hinted at any future projects after all forms of gender discrimination are a thing of the past, McGowan has vehemently denied rumors that he will leave the feminist movement to head up the struggle for gay rights.

"The wife would kill me if I took on any more hours," McGowan said. "I'm sure those fellows know how that goes."

TOO BAD THE DEMOCRATS DON'T HAVE ANYONE LIKE HIM, AND WHEN THEY DO, THEY TRASH HIM. GO DEAN!

[htuttle]

1. It's a sad state of affairs...

...when I believe a story like this for several paragraphs before I see where the link is from.

[Demeter]

3. April Fool!

Well, stuff like this never comes out when you really need it....and it has a ring of truth...

[China_cat]

2. The onion hits it on the head again.

What makes it less funny is when the Bush administration appointed a male VETERINARIAN to head a woman's health initiative. Yes it was in 2005 and yes, it got changed but the fact that it happened at all is sickening.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/09/19/AR2005091901576.html

One week ago, the Office of Women's Health of the Food and Drug Administration sent an e-mail notice to women's groups and others announcing the appointment of Norris Alderson as its new acting director.

An FDA veteran trained in animal husbandry who spent much of his career in the agency's Center for Veterinary Medicine, Alderson quickly became the subject of active and largely negative comment on the Internet and elsewhere.

The Office of Women's Health serves as a liaison with women's health groups and as an advocate on women's issues; critics said that a man with a primarily veterinary background could not properly fill the role.

The last director, Susan Wood, resigned last month to protest the agency's unwillingness to make a decision on whether to make emergency contraception more easily available.

[riqster]

4. I knew a guy in college who majored in Animal Husbandry

...until they caught him at it one day....

[China_cat]

5. If it was a woman studying the same thing

why wouldn't it be called 'animal wifery'?

[riqster]

6. We should be able to get Santorum's name into the term,

...really. Mister 'keep bestiality legal' should get credit where due.

[Captain Hilts]

7. I live about a mile from NIH. This story didn't get enough circulation. nt

[MountainLaurel]

8. No, it didn't

I heard Susan Wood speak last year at a conference session on the interference of politics in scientific research. It was appalling what was going on, and she revealed that she was told the instruction to quash the emergency contraception rule was coming straight from 1600 Pennsylvania.