Please help

[yasmina27]

before I married my husband I was involved with someone else. I became pregnant. and before I knew that we had broken up.

By the time I realized I was pregnant, I had had a lot to drink over our break-up and also smoked, I also knew that I was in no position to support a baby, nor could I emotionallly give a baby up for adoption (another long family story).

I chose to have an abortion. I'm not proud, but it is what is is.

He threw it in my face tonight and I will never forgive him. In the presence of our almost 12 yo dd he said that he could never run for political office because I visited a "baby butcher". Of course she had no idea what he meant, but it cut a knife through my heart.

I plan to discuss my choices in life at an appropriate time with my dd's, but they are too young right now and I HATE him for what he's done. I already told him to get out, but he's laying in bed now. I will sleep downstairs tonight, but have no idea what tomorrow will bring.

Please pray for me and wisdom to do the right thing.

[polichick]

1. Done, yasmina27 - I'm sorry you're going through this.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

2. Your are in my prayers

as are your daughters. May you have strength and wisdom as to what to do next.

[musette_sf]

3. done

and rec'd your post.

:hug:

seems narcissistic to me - "he could never run for political office" - taking the past hurts you have suffered through and making it all about HIM.

is he actually PLANNING to run for political office? or is that just the strawman to emotionally abuse you?

i know i'm long past the days when i felt i could tell a man that i loved any and every thing about me and my life. just too many cruel ones out there who will save up your secrets, then use them against you to prop up their own egos. i know there are good, kind, nice men in the world, but yours doesn't sound like one of them.

[yasmina27]

5. !

I think he just used this as a weapon.

The local "Cheers" that he frequents tells him over and over that he should run. Tonight, the girls and I were joking about what our lives would be like if he actually ran and won either a state or national seat.

Out of the blue, he comes up with the statement I previously mentioned. I bit my tongue until the girls left for church, then I lit into him about - did he really think he could be elected given his well-documented drug and alcohol abuse, as well as his brothers' selling pot for profit to supplement their incomes.

It got really nasty, and I don't think there's any turning back.

He's obsessed with my past sexual history. I'm sick of it and don't believe it has any relevance unless it impedes on our relationship today, which it wouldn't unless he brings it up, which he did.

Jesus H Christ - did that make ANY sense??

[musette_sf]

7. which is why

i never, ever divulge sexual history to a man. i'm sure there are exceptions, but from my experience and the experiences of many friends, more often than not it WILL be used against you, sooner or later.

and yes, you made perfect sense. :hug:

[yasmina27]

10. Thank you so much!

Thank you for the advice and rec!

I really think at this point it's emotional abuse.

[Warpy]

30. If it feels like abuse, it's abuse.

My ex used to get like that whenever he'd find a new girlfriend/drinking buddy. It's like they hand these guys a script or something, because I've heard the same damned story from all my friends with straying husbands.

The only thing to do now is ask yourself whether you're better off with him or without him. Eventually I made my decision to leave and it was the right one. Friends have made the decision to stay and it was the right one.

It's your decision and yours alone. It's not your daughter's decision. You are the one he's emotionally battering and only you can decide if it's worth sticking around for more in the hope he'll change.

[silverlib]

4. May you feel supported here on DU...

many of us have had abortions - various reasons, but we all own our reasons and have the right to choose - just as you did.

There have been threads in the past where those of us that wished came out and spoke of our experiences. I wish I had a link for you so that you would know how "un-alone" you are in this community.

I am so sorry that you are in so much pain now. I wish you strength and courage - the strength and courage that make you who you are and have helped you make tough decisions in tough times in the past. I actually hope he has a change of heart and that, only if you want it, you can work this out.

Peace to you!

Edited to say that I didn't realize the forum you were posting in - so of course you know you are supported!

[yasmina27]

8. Thank you so much!

I posted the same thing, without as much detail, on some other forums, because I knew that they would not be as tolerant.

I posted this here because I knew I would find strenghthening support here.

I'm SICK of his jealousy over my past.

If he wanted a political career, I would have agreed to a divorce or break-up (he insists I didn't tell him until after our marriage about the abortion, honestly, I don't remember except that I did tell him). I DON'T CARE!

So what I was married before - he knew I wasn't a virgin. And yet he feels threatened by every man I've ever been with. So what??!! I haven't been with them or anyone else since we've been married.

Recently, because I was off work for back surgery, I got behind on some payments, which I normally take care of. I borrowed 2 grand from him, to catch up on some payments I owe, and it still isn't perfect, but it made it better. I'm working on it, and should have the payments up to date within a month or two.

So as I feared, he now, while not "holding it over my head", continually refers to it.

I'm not in a forgiving mood...

[shireen]

14. hang in there girl...

btw, i was puzzled by something you said: ...I got behind on some payments, which I normally take care of. I borrowed 2 grand from him, to catch up on some payments I owe,...

Can you clarify? You borrowed money from whom? It reads like you borrowed from your husband. Did I misread, or was it a typo? Because, if it isn't, things are much worse than just a jealous hubby who feels cheated of a political future. Honey, you don't borrow money from your husband. That's your money too.

Whether I misread your post or not, it is clear that your husband is acting quite childish and immature. He also sounds like a bully. He needs to grow up. It's not good for your daughters to grow up with that kind of male influence, especially at a very early age when their first impression of men is so negative. They also need to see their mom stand up to that BS and demand to be treated with respect and as an equal partner in this marriage -- they'll need that life lesson when they're young women.

Stand tall. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. No one likes abortions, or treats it lightly, especially women. But there are circumstances when it is the only logical choice, and for that given time and situation in your life, you made the right decision. It was an incredibly difficult thing to do, yet you had the courage to go through with it.

I really really hope that someday, medical technology will make it possible for men to get pregnant and carry a fetus to term. That's the day when there will be a whole new attitude towards abortion!

:hug:

[yasmina27]

16. No you read it right

I borrowed money "from him". We've always had separate bank accounts, and until the last 6 months it worked fine. He paid the rent/mortgage, utilities such as gas and electric, and I paid for the cars, insurance, phone and cable (including internet).

I got behind on the car payments, and have been catching up month by month. I missed a month on each, but am paying extra each month to get caught up. Of course it's not enough to stop phone calls, but it's not like I'm 6 months behind or anything.

[panAmerican]

6. Prayers and hugs to you

I'm sorry your husband acted so despicably, with no regard for your feelings or your daughters' innocence. I hope he will come to his senses soon and apologize, but more importantly realize that he could serve no greater purpose in life than be a good husband and father.

[knitter4democracy]

9. That's pretty nasty. He had no right to say that.

It was entirely your decision, and it was before you were with him. Who would know to bring it out in any campaign anyway? That's just a silly excuse for him to hold it over you.

If I were you, I'd sit down with your children and talk about it with them now. Almost 12 means she knew what he was saying, and you don't want her to be afraid for you or of you. Do mostly listening to see how she feels about it, but talking with her sooner rather than later is really important right now.

Oh, and I could come over with some pointy sticks, if you wanted. That kind of emotional abuse crap gets my blood boiling!

[yasmina27]

11. Hey!

Michigan's not so far away (depending on where you're at) I'll gladly accept your pointy sticks any time!

[knitter4democracy]

13. I'd head over whenever you need it.

Pointy sticks at the ready. :)

Btw, you are strong, and you are worth more than that. You have a core of strength down deep inside, and you can stand up to him on this (and whatever else) and tell him you won't be treated like that. Is there a Domestic Violence hotline in your area? They might have good ideas on how to handle this practically so that you're safe but also firm and in control of the moment.

[iverglas]

12. well, one way of looking at it ...

In the debate over whether women should be treated like cattle or human beings, one often sees stupidity like "what if the fetus you aborted had been born and discovered the cure for cancer?" Countered with "what if it had grown up to be the next Hitler?"

The first thing that came to my mind was: the world must thank you for keeping one creep out of political office. (Although it's obvious he's done a bang-up job of that himself.)

I say that only because we're among friends, and you know that no one here would regard another woman's choices as anything but her own business, and as having any meaning other than what she gives them. Your choice was about you, not about him, and not about anything or anyone else, and that is exactly how it should be.

The sad reality is that if he did not have this to throw at you, he would simply find something else. That's a hard reality to bring into the situation, but I doubt that you don't know it. I've listened to too many friends say to their partners "why do you talk to me like that?" Because they want to hurt, and they can.

It might be possible to deal with it by taking away the "they can" part. If he can't hurt you, maybe he won't do it. But there's escalation ... he can't hurt you with his words, simply because you don't let his words hurt you, so he could just stop. Or he could speak them in front of your daughters. Life becomes a field of landmines.

Our choices are who we are. Had you not made that choice, you would not now be his wife and your daughters' mother. If you're proud of yourself, then you don't need to be not-proud of that choice. You could still be proud of yourself if you had made a different choice. But your husband has the person you are as a result of the choices you did make. He got the package; if the package had been different, he'd have nothing, not some more perfect version of you.

Maybe he can see that. Maybe fate was at work. ;) Maybe the only way he could have you was if you had made choices he didn't like. I'm not one for giving advice about people's personal lives when I don't know them, so all I would say is that if you want to, see whether you can talk about it with him, whether he can see that you are who you are because of everything in your life, and that you can't change that and it's up to him to decide whether he wants it. If he does, he has to act like he means it. What's best for you, and your daughters, only you will know, but you will know. I join with everyone else in wishing you the very best.

[PinkTiger]

15. I am so sorry.

I had a similar situation years ago, and I'm grateful that nobody has thrown it in my face. If anyone had, I would be devastated. So I am with you. Solidarity! I will pray for you.
You are NOT alone.

[I Have A Dream]

17. I'm so sorry that this happened to you, yasmina27.

I will certainly pray for you and am sending good vibes your way.

:hug::hug:

[yasmina27]

18. So now he says I

"wear it like a badge".
The abortion.

Because I said I'm not ashamed of it. I did what was right at the time.

I told his he's out of here.

He's gone. I'm sick of the lies, the bullshit, I'm no longer the innocent who accepted every line as god's truth.

GOD DAMN YOU TO HELL!! which I don't really believe in, but may he be reincarnated many times with relationship problems.

[shireen]

19. i'm so sorry it worked out this way.

You and your girls are going to be OK. They've got a strong mom. :)

:hug:

[yasmina27]

20. More help and strength needed

Thank you... from your lips...

Unfortunately he says he won't leave, I have to, since I'm the one who is "guilty".

That's fine, I'll default on the car loan for the car that he'll get. I'll take the car with the best gas mileage (our prius). I'll get an apartment that I can handle monetarily until I can better manage on my own. I'll stay in the same area where I'm at so the girls can continue in their same schools. My back pain will improve because I won't have the stress of walking on egg shells. But what do I do with my dogs and cats??

the HELL with him. i will NOT back down. I'll suck it up and put on a happy face through Easter for the girls. He has hurt me for the last time.

[shireen]

21. that's your house

you and your daughters need that house. Why should you back down?

Find a lawyer. You have a good case for emotional abuse -- keep the house and get him to pay child support. What's he gonna do? Accuse you of having an abortion BEFORE you got married?

I'm sorry ... it's so easy for me to talk tough, but I'm not in your shoes and not feeling your pressure and rage. I really hope you have friends and family to lean on for support. And you have the means to put that jerk where he belongs, out of the house and out of your life (except for the child support payments!).

You deserve better. :hug:

[yasmina27]

22. Thank you!

you are SO right!

[Triana]

27. I agree with shireen - he's abusive. Verbally, emotionally...

...YOU did what was right for you and what you HAD to at the time. That was BEFORE he married you and he KNEW (didn't he?) before he married you about it and married you anyway. Even regardless of whether he knew - he has NO right or room to toss that up in your face now.

What he said initially, what he's said since, and what he's doing to you us ABUSE. It's done with words and actions instead of with a fist. It's verbal, emotional, financial abuse - and COULD become physical as well. Your daughters should not have to witness this either. This is very unhealthy for them to see their Mother abused.

Get a lawyer and DON'T back down to him!

Definitely look here for help and to any family and friends who can support you as well.

PLEASE get your pets out! Abusive partners OFTEN will abuse children and pets left behind. Don't leave them!

I'm going to PM you some more info - where you can look online for more help. I don't want to post it here.

GOOD LUCK! Set your plans, set your boundaries and STICK to 'em. Don't let him bully you like that. You DO NOT deserve it.

[shireen]

32. agree about the pets, they also need to be protected

whether or not you choose to remain in the house. They're helpless, and they're relying on you to care for them. Friends can look after them, or a shelter can help you find a family who can take care of them till you're ready to care for them again. If you can't keep them, at least try to place them with people who will take good care of them.

[noamnety]

28. That's great advice

Sometimes we are in such a rush to escape a bad situation that we aren't concerned about the long term effects. We can do that if there are no kids involved, but in this case there are kids, and you have to weigh immediate escape against long term what's best for them, which may be remaining in their house.

Even if you leave short term and stay with a friend or in a hotel or shelter or something, that doesn't mean the house magically becomes his in a divorce settlement. Hopefully the court will do what's best for the kids, and they won't be likely to back down just because he's acting like a bully.

You might also consider counseling, not sure if that would help or if there are other issues and you can tell this is hopeless anyway. You know that best. But it does sound like he has some issues he needs to work past, if he is so controlling that he feels he has a right to try to retroactively control decisions you made about your own body before you were even with him. That doesn't even pass the logic test. :)

[Ellen Forradalom]

23. Oh yeah. He's gotta go.

Anyone who would go straight for the jugular like that should not be that close to you.

[Triana]

29. ditto...

...he's DELIBERATELY picking on something that he knows will upset you and that is a very sensitive place for you. He's kicking you emotionally in the most tender spot and doing it on purpose.

Only ABUSERS do that. And it's no accident. They know exactly what they're doing. It's about control - not an abortion you had eons ago before you married him - but rather about control. He's attempting to use that to control you, Yasmina.

[knitter4democracy]

25. Time to lawyer up.

It's worth the debt. You need the house to raise your girls in, and you need someone to protect you from this shark. The only way to make that happen is to get the best lawyer you can. Don't leave that house, or then he'll most likely get it in the court proceedings. That's why he's staying put, so make sure he doesn't kick you out and stay stuck to that place like glue.

You're making the right decision. He's scum.

[japple]

24. Dear Yasmina27, I am sending you healing energies and

requesting that the Universe supply the strength and resources you need at this time. I'm sorry you're going through this. Be strong, hold your daughters close, and see a lawyer as soon as possible. Peace and love.

[LWolf]

26. I will hold you in my thoughts

and prayers as you go forward in this situation.

:hug:

[LaurenG]

31. I too send healing thoughts and prayers for you and your children

:hug:

[BlueIris]

33. OMG, hon. I just found this and I am SO sorry.

Um...it probably doesn't need to be posted, but—stay away from this individual/situation? It's not safe for you.

[LiberalEsto]

34. Blessings of healing to you

and may everything work out for the best, for all of you.