Death & perspective.

[CrispyQ]

My mother died June 30, two weeks before my 50th birthday. It was the worst bd of my life, in spite of my personal accomplishments. I am involved in local animal causes that give me hope for the future. I am a member of the local Democratic caucus, which may not give as much hope, but at least I feel like I'm doing something. :)

I lost weight (alot!) & gained strength (alot!), and amazingly, this is one of the most wonderful things I have done for myself.

Still, my Mom died.

At her memorial, the husband of a good friend told me, "You will never get over the death of your mother. It has been 10 years for me & still, I will have a moment where I am overcome by grief that my mother is gone & I will never see her again." Great. Looking forward to that. Yet, it was a comfort over the past 10 weeks, as the memory of my beloved mother fades. At least, even in pain, I will think of her. I will not forget her. Even in 10 years. Not that I really thought I would.

I was in tears the first 4 weeks & on the verge for the following 4 weeks & am just now able to speak of her without breaking down.

So what is amazing to me, is this. Sometime after the assignation of JFK, MLK, RK, my mother became a right wing follower. I asked her once how the party of big money came to represent her, knowing she was poor & not religious. Her answer told me that she had fallen into the fear trap -- they will get her while she is shopping at the local mall. I didn't understand it, I didn't try to understand it. I simply recognized it as a different world view - a view that separated us.

Like the vegan thing. She told me once that if I had to ask 20 questions to the waiter because of a religious issue, she could understand that, but an ethical issue? I was boggled at that. Religious? Ethical? Difference? Huh?

I loved my Mom. Our early years together were liberal beyond belief! A young single mother in the late 50s, on her own, with a child, working & taking care of the two of us, she had no idea how influential her life style was on me. Years later, when I revealed to her who I really was, how liberal I am, she declared with disdain, "What kind of thing have I raised?"

It was the most hurtful thing she ever said to me. I only hope that the most hurtful thing I said to her was as kind as that. Arghhh.......I doubt it was. :cry:

But here's the thing. I've been able to release my hatred toward the right wing since she died. Why is that? I still abhor them. I will go to my grave believing & shouting out to anyone who will listen that their world view is wrong & not conducive to a healthy human collective. But, they no longer have 'one of my own' in their captive & it is different. I am more reasonable toward their ridiculous assaults, their crazy rants against reason, against logic, against common sense. I think I am a better advocate, not being personally tied to the opposition.

Does that make sense?

Veg DUers, you are my online community. I may not post here often, but I love you guys & everything we stand for!

Long live the Sea Shepherd.
http://www.seashepherd.org/

[yewberry]

1. You know, I've read this post a few times now.

I'm still not entirely sure how to respond--others may be feeling the same way, so that may be why you're not seeing a lot of responses. (But then, that may just be me.)

First of all, I'm really sorry to hear that you lost your mom. It's clear that you had some differences, but she was your *mom* and that is huge. Your post has led me to look again at my relationships with my family, and try to remember that (even when they might be hurtful) they are important to me. There are changes that should happen there, and even though I might not feel like I'm responsible for making those changes, I'm certain that no one else will. Thanks for helping me see that.

I guess it's a good thing that hatred for the right has lost its sway on you--it's pretty awful that it came at such a cost, but (if you believe in such things) your mom may have a different view of you and of life now. Regardless, it is a good thing that you have been able to shake the animosity that can come with personal ties to an abhorrent belief system.

I don't post all that often, either, but I completely understand what you're saying. When I am looking for a place of safety, it's here that I come.

I hope good things for you.

Love to all and especially you.

[CrispyQ]

2. Thanks, Tofunut, for your response.

I was in a reflective mood after two glasses of wine. Also, my sister & I just finished cleaning out Mom's place & put it up for sale. Once a week since July I've gone to Ft. Collins to help go through her things. The first few of these trips were the worst & I was certain that the final trip would be the easiest, but it was one of the most difficult.

My mom's passing was completely unexpected. Fortunately, she died peacefully, in her sleep, no trauma. But everyone, including her doctor, was stunned that she's gone. I thought Mom & I would be arguing politics for at least another 10-15 years. I have in a drawer, a letter to my mother that I would add to. It recounted many of the memories I had as a young girl - sort of an effort to explain to her 'what kind of a thing she had raised.' I never finished it. She never read it. Oh well.

Friends, tell your loved ones you love them. You never know if this will be the last time you see them.

[peacebuzzard]

3. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet mom.

And your post touched me very much....at a most delicate time:
Ironically, I have been awash with many memories of my mom these days. Her birthday celebration would have been 2 days ago. But she died suddenly of a brain aneurysm 26 years ago when I was 28. This year I will be the same age my mom was when she died.

You will never forget your mom. Not in 10 years, not in 26.

I know your pain all too well. I am misty eyed myself right now. I long for my mother, and I certainly know you miss your mom.

I can still hear my mother's voice advising me of so many things.

I have been a rare poster here in this little ghetto these days, I am still out of sync because of some health problems (nothing life threatening).

Wishing you much peace in your heart at a most difficult time.



:hug:

[CrispyQ]

6. Thank you for your kind words, peacebuzzard.

Even though intellectually you realize your parents will probably go before you, I've never imagined life without Mom.

I am so sorry about your mother & the pain of turning the age she was when she died. How sad to lose your mother at such a young age. I hope you are around for many, many more years!

:hug:

[livetohike]

4. My sympathy to you and your family on the loss of your Mom

:hug:. I lost my Dad three years ago and am back in PA trying to help my Mom cope. She doesn't drive and depended on my Dad for everything....

We disagree on so many things and end up arguing every time I talk with her. It's so frustrating :-(, but I do love her and always will.

I know your Mom loved you too and as is the nature of most human relationships, we love and "hate" at the same time. I hope the good memories you have of times with your Mom will help ease the grief. The Bereavement Group here at DU is a good place to vent, memorialize or just say what's on your mind, too.

[CrispyQ]

7. Thank you, livetohike.

You are so right about the love/hate nature of close relationships. It was very hard at first, because the for the first two months all those awful moments are the memories that surfaced first. It's been three months & I am finally able to let a lot of that go & remember mostly the good times.

My sister, who is 11 years younger than me & had a completely different relationship with Mom, has been very resentful that I am not mourning to the degree she is. I reminded her that she can't judge my relationship with Mom in the context of her relationship with Mom.

I hope for the best for your mother. :hug: I cannot imagine losing my beloved.


"If you live to be 100, then I want to live to be 100 minus one day because I never want to live a day without you." ~Winnie the Pooh


===
I had no idea we had a Bereavement Group at DU. What a great site!

[CountAllVotes]

5. I'm sorry for you

My father will be dead 10 years this coming November. I still feel that sickening feeling inside of me every time I think of him and the same goes for my mother who also died in the month of June (a few years after Dad died). It doesn't go away, it just becomes less intense.

I had many words, many of them were cruel words, with my Dad and my late Mom over the years. Many of them were regretful on both sides I must admit. That is how this twisted up thing called "love" works; sometimes we hurt each other as part of this process I believe.

I hope you are feeling less upset in the coming months. I'll tell you one thing, my first holiday season with no more Mom & Dad just about killed me.

In any event I hope your Mom is resting in peace. Take good care of yourself in the meantime and learn to forgive yourself. :hug:

[CrispyQ]

8. Thank you so much, CountAllVotes.

Yes, it does seem, at least at first, that the unkind things I said & did I remember most. That is finally changing as I realize I did not say or do any of these things in a vacuum. My mother went through a fairly radical personality change about 25 years ago after going through some negative life events. It was hard for me to reconcile the woman who raised me with the woman who I knew recently. They were so different.

And yes, I think this holiday season is going to be very difficult for me, but even more so for my sister.

I'm sorry about your own parents & your loss. Life sucks, sometimes. :hug:

Your response means a lot to me. Thank you.