Having a very hard day here, flashing back to
this post of mine from December 2009.
Mostly it's bone-crushing loneliness at this point. I haven't had sex for 3 years, haven't even gone on a successful date in all that time. I was left 5 years ago by my long-time lover, while I was going through PTSD after working Hurricane Katrina humanitarian relief, left for a woman 15 years my junior, and lied to by said ex for 2 years because he felt too guilty to tell me the truth. Now every man I ask out is either already seeing someone or I'm "too old" - even though they have all been within 3 years of my age (47). No one has shown any interest in me even though I'm not hideous, I've kept myself in good physical shape and I don't normally run around moping. In fact, I've made great strides this last year in particular in becoming myself again. But today has been rough.
Feeling very low right now. Not quite suicidal - thank God for having a wonderful dog I have to care for! - but it's crossed my mind. I'm just so very tired of not having any physical comfort, no one to hug, nothing to look forward to when I get home. No one to cook for, no one to laugh with, no one to cry with. Was set off today by a co-worker telling how he lost his wife to cancer 5 years ago, how broken up he still is about it, but he's been with someone else for four years now. I just don't understand why it seems so much easier for men to bounce back from these things, to find at least physical comfort, than it is for me. Why so many can move on with their lives while I seem unable to.
I'm so angry and sad and unable to move beyond the loss of intimacy in my life. I really feel paralyzed by grief and anger.
Anyway, I'll take any prayers/good vibes/highest thoughts you all can send my way. Thanks.
Printer-friendly format
Email this thread to a friend
Bookmark this thread
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
