A request for assistance probably best addressed by parents

[burythehatchet]

There is a person in my life, very dear to me, who is lost to drug addiction. He is 40 years old and for 20 years he has been using his family who has been way too generous, to continue his habit. He has owed money to drug dealers and they have bailed him out.

His parents are in the their mid 70's, have been relatively healthy, but the most recent episode has broken their spirit. They have no more ideas and as I type this they cannot locate him.

His wife and 2 year old son have had to move out due to the threat of violence by the dealers. They are with her parents.

He is the youngest of 4 kids and has always been rescued from his misadventures. I fear that he will not rescued this time, he owes a lot of money, his family can pay the money but they realize that bailing him out has always been their mistake.

I would love any suggestions about programs in the NY/NJ area that might be right for this guy. I'd like to try something because the guy I love is in there somewhere. I'd like to help him out because he's my little brother.

[Ian David]

1. It's not the program for him, but they'd know where to look

Call Covenant House.

They're plugged-into everything, and can find you anything you need.
http://www.covenanthouse.org/

Hang in there, but be careful.

I lost a friend of mine in a similar situation.

He owed a drug dealer a lot of money. The dealer set fire to the house where he was staying, and he was one of the ones that didn't get out alive. He was 19 years old.

[wildeyed]

2. So sad.

Al-anon and narc-anon are programs for the friends and family of addicts and alcoholics. If you do a google search, you should be able to find meetings in your area. They are free. You will meet other people who are going through or have been through what you are experiencing. Maybe they will have some advice.

[burythehatchet]

3. that's where he meets new dealers and users

I'm disheartened by the perils in even such and well intentioned program. There's too much temptation, unfortunately.

[mopinko]

4. boy, i wish i really knew jack

i'd just be talking out my ass to give you advice.
but everyone in your family needs to know that they can continue to help him until they have nothing left, or they can save themselves.
as a parent, i know how hard it is to say no. but only he can save himself. and only you can save yourself.
my dad was an alcoholic, and he really destroyed my mom, and us. she just couldn't let him die in the gutter. and that's what he would have done.

good luck.

[burythehatchet]

7. Thank you mopinko

I can feel your empathy.

[wildeyed]

5. I've been sober in AA for 12 years.

It works if you work it. Unfortunately, not everyone gets the program. I don't know why some can and others can't.

Al-anon is help for the families of addicts and alcoholics. I have never been to a meeting, but I think they talk about their experiences and how to stop enabling the addict. I had a friend who grew up with an alcoholic parent who went. She said she just sat their and wept for the entire first meeting. It brought up allot of pain for her, but sometimes that pain is the beginning of healing.

I don't know what you can do for your brother at this point except hope and pray for his recovery. But try to take care of yourself and your parents. It must be incredibly painful to watch someone you love self destruct like that.

[burythehatchet]

6. First of all, congratulations for controlling your demon

Thanks for your words of empathy. This has been a trainwreck unfolding for 20 years. As with most of these instances, the family dynamic can be the catalyst for the recovery or the reason for the lack of recovery. Unfortunately my family dynamic is the latter.

I do pray. I do try to care for myself. I do try and care for my parents even while being so frustrated at their complete lack of understanding regarding the childhood issues that affected my brother and me. My brother wasn't able to modulate our history within the context of moving on.

You keep that demon at bay. :)

[wildeyed]

8. Thanks.

I'll keep it a bay one day at a time. It's good for me to talk about it, even in the context of an online message board.

I really hope your brother gets the help he needs. :hug: