I'm having a terrible problem with my 20 year old son.

[tibbir]

He has severe ADD and possibly mild bipolar - it runs in my family and I have it myself. Since his dad died just before Christmas he's gone off the deep end with his computer game addiction. He has a set of cyber-friends from all over who spend all their waking hours playing this game as well and they all talk together.

Before he had a kind of balance of work, sleep, socializing and playing the computer game. Since his dad died the game has become his life. He doesn't go out with friends any more. He missed so much work that he lost his job. This worked just fine for him in his mind. He now has no responsibllities to take him away from his game. Some times he seems to begrudge having to take time out to go to the bathroom.

A little over 2 weeks ago I gave him an ultimatum: he could enroll for a course at a community college, enroll in a technical school, work with this career coach or find a job - by today, the final day for enrolling in the community college. If he didn't do one of those things I was going to cut out our cable modem come Monday. He finally looked up from his game today at 5:00pm and wanted to know how to enroll online for a s"tupid course" at HCC. I told him it didn't work that way, he'd have to go to the college and meet with the counselor and then they'd let him enroll.

He said forget it, he'd get a job. I told him it was too little too late because he hadn't even tried anything to get a job in the 2 weeks since I gave him the choices. He told me he'd get a router and order cable in his own name. I told him that wouldn't work because it's my house and I wouldn't ok it. He then said he'd move out and get a job. I told him he didn't have enough money to live on his own for a very long time and that he probably couldn't get an apartment without a job. He said he'd move in with a friend; I told him it was up to him, he's over 18.

It's going to be horrible come Monday. His addiction is as powerful as a gambling addiction is for some people. I don't know how he'll react when he's cut off from his precious game and cyber-friends next week. Besides dealing with his reaction I'll have to get used to dialup again myself. Shit.

Maybe some of you have experience dealing with addictions in relatives since they seem to go with bipolar disorder. Believe me, I'd appreciate all the help I can get.

[wildeyed]

1. Dial up can't be fun with DU.

I am an addict, but just garden variety drugs and alcohol. Not bi-polar, at least not so as you would notice. But addiction is addiction.

It sounds like you are doing well to not enable your son's addiction. Have you talked to a mental health professional about it? They could give you some head's up about what to expect next week.

Is he taking medication for the bi-polar?

Is there a support group for the relatives of computer/gambling addictions? There is a 12-step program called al-anon which is support for the friends and family of alcoholics.

Seems like I am asking more questions than giving answers. Sorry I can't be more helpful. Good luck next week. :hug:

[tibbir]

2. I'm doing my best to not enable him.

I found out more about the game Travis plays, Lineage II, and found out that you can play it on dialup but there's really bad "lag."

There are some 12 step based internet groups for gamers who are addicted but there's no support that I've been able to find.

Luckily I'm in therapy plus I have a friend who I talk with by phone most days so I will have support.

I've gone to some al-anon meetings at my therapist's request but they seem to be only about alcohol. I mean, you can learn things from the experiences of the people who meet there but I don't think you're supposed to talk about addictions unless they're related to alcohol. I could be wrong about that but that's the way it's been in the meetings I've gone to.

I appreciate your questions, suggestions and support. Good luck to you in your struggle with addictions.

[phylny]

3. Is there any way that you can set up your computer, or your account,

for a password? That way you can keep your cable, but he will be unable to access his game.

I know that a few years ago, I was definitely "Internet Addicted" and while I won't say it almost cost my marriage, my husband was highly distressed at the amount of time I spent online. I denied it and denied it, but he was right. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't having an affair online, but was spending my time surfing until one, two, even three a.m.

Sorry I can't be of more help. I only know that it is an addiction, like so many others.

Be well, good luck.

[tibbir]

4. The problem is he bought his own computer.

I am setting a password up on my computer so that he won't be able to access my dialup connection
It's going to be interesting.

[wildeyed]

5. Regarding al-anon.

Yes, I believe that you are only supposed to talk about alcohol. But the 12 steps can be applied successfully to any problem in life. And if they are helping you, keep going.

Maybe you could question some of the other parents about your problem after the meeting? They might have some insights and suggestions.

Addiction is usually a combination of several things. One, an effort avoid unpleasant feelings (and of course the addiction ends up being far worse than the legitimate suffering would have been). Two, there is usually a physiological component, often not very well understood.

First you have to deal with the substance or activity that is the addiction. Once that is stopped, you have to feel the feelings. Sometimes that is more traumatic that the original detox. But completely worth it :)

Good luck again!

[tibbir]

6. I believe al-anon is a strong progam.

It's been around a long time and there are a lot of people pretty far along in their recovery there. You're right, maybe I could talk about my problems after the meeting. I'm going to an al-anon adult childrn meeting tonight. I might be more comfortable there because I am an adult child. That's probably the main reason I'm such a good enabler.

Travis has had a growing addiction to video games and then computer games all throughout his childhood and adolescence. But the death of his dad triggered a ton of feelings that I've seen him really express only once. Other than that he's not playing the computer game, he IS the game now. I think the physical component you're talking about may relate to the release of brain chemicals like endorphins.

He's going to have to make the choice to quit playing obsessively. All I can do is make it difficult to impossible to do in my house for the time being.

It's not going to be much fun around here for a while, that's for sure.

Thanks so much for your help and support.

[soup]

7. Saw a couple of articles this morning that made me think of you

and your son. Thought I'd share them, for what it's worth:

Helping players turn their passion into a profession
By ANNE LINDBERG, Times Staff Writer
Published June 13, 2005

SEMINOLE - Call it the perfect revenge of all the kids whose mothers told them to quit playing games and do their homework: Those games have become today's jobs.

In recognition of that fact, colleges and universities are creating new courses and majors designed to help computer gamers turn their passion into a paying profession.

The latest to enter the field is St. Petersburg College, which will offer its first course this fall in a new computer gaming track at its Seminole campus. The game foundations development track will be offered within the digital media degree.
http://www.sptimes.com/2005/06/13/Technology/Helping_players_turn_.shtml

-- and this:

Gaming grows up

Advertisers and players cash in at competitions

By DAVE GUSSOW, Times Staff Writer
Published June 13, 2005

ST. PETERSBURG - Rob Tyre and his D5 teammates are looking to score big with video games. It's not just to vanquish opponents, but also to gain attention and maybe a little cash along the way.

"We want to eventually become a nationally ranked team," said Tyre, 18, of St. Petersburg. "It's a good way to make money on the side, and it's a good way for (getting) respect (in the gaming community)."

Make money? Playing games? Actually, yes. The best of the best, while a relative handful, are earning five- and six-figure incomes between tournament winnings and endorsement deals. Some have signed on with agents.
http://www.sptimes.com/2005/06/13/Technology/Gaming_grows_up.shtml

-- disclaimer --
I'm not a family counselor, grief counselor, career guide, psychiatrist, or specialist of any kind, nor do I play one on television. My own kids are as screwed up (or moreso) than I am. I make more mistakes than probably anyone else, so any input I have needs to be viewed and considered very cautiously before implementing in any form.

Your post touched a nerve when I read it a couple of days ago. So, when I saw these articles this morning, I thought of you and your situation.

Not knowing what 'works' with your son, these may not be viable solutions. But, sometimes, expanding horizons works better than closing them. Can you find a way to feed his interest rather than starve it - maybe? Widen the path he's on and curve it into where you would like to see him headed?

This may come a little to late to fit into the 'threat of disconnect' timeline, but may offer a way out of it. and it may not help at all, but thought I'd offer it up anyway.

Another thought - maybe you could develop 'connection problems'. We're actually having them right now. Frustrating. Can't get my son's computer to connect through the hub - even bought a new one - so it's something in the lines or a computer setting we can't figure out. Tech 'help' has so far been nothing short of a time-consuming joke. If I knew how to replicate the problem, I'd share it with you so you wouldn't lose your own connection.

I'll shut up now. I tend to ramble and this is getting really long...

Let us know how it's going.

[tibbir]

9. Thanks for this information.

It's definitely something to think about. If I thought Travis could make a living playing games that'd make things better I'm thinking. On the other hand, I worry that he's not developing a life outside of the computer games.

For right now I think he's planning on enrolling in the 2nd summer session and if he does that he can continue to live here and play computer games all the time that he wants. I can't see that happening but you never know.

In the meantime I've marked the sites you sent so that I can refer back to them.

Thanks for thinking of me. And, don't worry about not being an 'expert.' I didn't ask the question to get answers from experts. It's just that it helps to get feedback - case in point are the sites you sent me.

Thanks

[bleedingheart]

8. i kind of know what you are going through

my son has Aspergers and his primary obsession is computer games, he even has physical reactions to them...temperature goes up, ears turn flaming red...etc

but he is a third grader and I can easily limit his time on the computer.

[tibbir]

10. I don't think my son has Aspergers but he has some of the symptoms

to a degree .

The only thing I would offer is to keep very strict contol over the video games useage. I did that with Travis pretty much but then he dropped out of college, got a job and bought a gaming computer. For us it may come down to his having to move out if he won't get a job or go back to school.

Take care of yourself and your son.