Here to gripe!

[rbnyc]

My DH is a SAHD. I know what a tough job that is. And I try my best to be "on" when I get home from work. (Even though my job is very high-stress and I take all the night duty with baby and generally get about 3 hours of sleep per night AND my husband takes baby to his parents house almost every day where he has loads of support.)

ANYWAY, something is wrong with me these days. My fuse is very short. I'm way off my game. I'm getting sick all the time. I feel like I have the worst PMS ever. (Period still not regular) I am always on my very last nerve. Last night I asked my husband for some extra support. I told him I just needed to zone out for a while, and asked him if I could play on the computer for an hour. He agreed. I went on the computer. And then my husband decided he would change all his drum heads--so he WASN'T ACTUALLY WATCHING THE BABY! The baby kept crawling into trouble areas, putting things in his mouth--you know--acting like a baby--which is why you have to watch them. So I had to quit my game to take care of the baby while my husband worked on his drums.

Then a bit before baby's bedtime I said, "I'm just going to put him down--he's going to scream, but I just need to be free." My husband said, "Now you know how I feel all day--at least at night you have ME."

Yeah, THANKS!

</rant>

Thanks all.

[SCDem]

1. You definitely need to get more sleep

You can't keep going on 3 hours sleep. That is why you are feeling all dogged down.

I have no advice for the relationship aspect.

I wish you the best and some rest :)

[rbnyc]

3. Thanks. I know.

My husband can't handle night duty. So even if he tries to help, I end up staying awake, listening to him, waiting for him to lose his temper so I can "rescue" the baby and send him back to bed before he becomes verbally abusive.

I swear my husband is a wonderful man. We all have our problems and limitations. We just discovered that he can't get up in the middle of the night and act like a human being--so he gets to sleep and I take care of the baby because I can handle more.

But I don't know if I'm going to be a human being very much longer. Maybe DH should try growing up.

But again, I'm in gripe mode, so not painting the best picture of him.

[trotsky]

2. Sleep deprivation.

Been there, done that, nearly died.

We both worked, so we didn't have to worry about daytime issues, but at night our first child was such a terrible sleeper. We ended up having to do shifts - one night on, one night off. A night on meant you could rely on getting up every 90 minutes or so to change, feed, and rock.

A night off was a dose of Sominex or nighttime Tylenol and sleeping on an uncomfortable futon in the basement.

That schedule, even with a decent night's sleep every other night, did horrible things to me. Couldn't focus at work, couldn't focus at home, never felt "relaxed". That lasted about 6 months for us before he started sleeping for a 6-8 hour solid block during the night.

You need to work with your husband to find some way to get some "off" nights. The lack of sleep will do you in.

[rbnyc]

4. I think my son is such a bad sleeper because...

...he knows he'll get Mommy-Time if he wakes up in the night.

Sadly, Daddy cannot get up in the middle of the night and act like a human being, so he can't share the night duty. We've tried, and I decided I would do it all because I was afraid things would escalate to verbal abuse or worse if I let him continue to try it.

I promise, my husband is a really loving and wonderful person. As I said in my reply above, we all have our limitations. And I'm only talking about the negative thigs right now because I'm pissed off and feel I have the short end of the stick.

I should remember what a friend of mine said. New parents both have the short end of the stick--because there's just not enough stick.

The baby has the stick!

[Chalco]

5. Hi, You don't say how old your baby is, but

sounds like he's at least 6 months old which means he should be able to sleep through the night.

I remember those days. My husband and I both worked but for some reason I was supposed to be the one who handled the nite feedings because he couldn't go with out sleep. AND I COULD!?!?!?

Anway, having a kid puts a lot of stress on a marriage.

What saved us is scheduling a babysitter every other Saturday nite and going out and having fun together. Saved our marriage.

Second recommendation, you both need sleep. There are several books out about how to get your kid to sleep thru the nite. Mine was sleeping thru the nite at 6 weeks. Thank God. Ferber's book is good and there's another one by a nurse, can't remember her name.

[rbnyc]

6. He's 9 months old.

He sleeps through the night every once in a while. But he's generally up twice, and sometimes as much as every hour.

He just wants to be with me. I change his diaper, see if he's hungry, and then I put him back in his crib, He cries for 15 minutes to half an hour and then falls asleep--OR he cries for hours and I end up just letting him skeep with me because I can't take it.

I've looked into Ferber's and we've tried to apply some modified technique. It's hard for us to be consistant because Garrison (our son) is always changing.

He's asking for me now. Gotta run.

Thanks.

[trotsky]

7. I think I remember you asking about co-sleeping once.

Have you tried it?

On edit: To clarify, you say that some nights out of frustration you bring him in bed. Have you ever tried to just start out with him in bed?

[rbnyc]

8. I don't sleep well with him in the bed.

It's too small and hot. Used to be, he would always fall asleep in my arms, and I would put him in his crib. We're finally able to put him in his crib while he's still awake. He complains for a while and then falls asleep.

He does sleep through (meaning til 5 or 6) sometimes, and I'm just hoping it becomes more frequent.

When he woke up at 4 this morning, my husband actually got up and took care of him without incident, so that was nice.

I'm afraid he read DU.

[trotsky]

9. Do you have a fixed bedtime routine?

I.e., Supper, then bath, then story, then bed?

What worked for us was getting the bedtime process down to a fixed procedure that NEVER varied, either in terms of the order, or of the starting time. Oh, and putting him to bed an hour earlier (yes, earlier!) than we had been. (7pm versus 8pm)

Yeah, that put a bad crimp into our schedule, always having to make sure we were home by a certain time, adhering to the exact same schedule on the weekends as well as weekdays, but it paid off. After doing that is when his sleep schedule finally started getting more regular, and he slept longer.

What kind of naps does he take during the day? Because you may have already heard or learned this, but it usually doesn't work to tire a baby out. With us, it was the opposite. The more active a day he had, the less of a nap he took, the HARDER it was to get him to sleep and stay asleep. That's why it seemed so counter-intuitive to put him to bed earlier - wouldn't you want to keep them up later so they'll be more tired? But nope, it was the fixed schedule that did the trick.

[rbnyc]

12. Yes.

He has a late bedtime because I get home late and want to spend some time with him, and we established our nap and bedtime routines by following his cues, and it's natural for him to go to bed relatively late.

We all have supper together. Then he and I have play time, then reading time. Then he gets a bottle. Then he gets a song and either falls asleep in my arms, or I put him down at 9:30 whether he's asleep or not.

He naps very regulalry in the morning 9:30-10:30. His afternoon nap is less routine, but he does usually take another hour in the afternoon.

I know 9:30 is a REALLY late bedtime. Like I said, it evolved based on his cues and our desire to spend time together when I get home from work. I'm sure we could take it down to 9:00 pretty easilly.

[trotsky]

14. What happens in the morning?

How late does he usually sleep in? Is he waking up on his own or do you think morning activity is responsible?

It is not uncommon for babies his age to need 10-12 hours of sleep a night. If he's not even getting a chance at that, it could be contributing greatly to his fitful nights.

[rbnyc]

16. He usually wakes up right around the time I get up for work...

...so it may be noise that wakes him. He does sleep 1/2 hour to an hour later on weekends. But he does vary in the morning. Sometimes he's up as early as 5:30--and he just doesn't buy that it's still bedtime. Sometimes He sleeps as late as 8.

I'm going to try easing his bedtime toward 8:30. That cuts an hour out of our time together, but if he sleeps through the night better, we'll enjoy each other more.

:)

Thanks!

[trotsky]

17. Yeah, it sucks losing the time together.

But if the alternative is putting strain on your marriage, and potentially strain on you and your husband's relationship with your son, it's worth it. Having some "couple time" every evening can help you both.

Another thing that may help is a "noise machine" or air cleaner or just a small fan in his room. You know, something to generate some white noise and mask any other noises that might be interrupting his sleep. This worked well with our son.

P.S. If your husband has read this thread, tell him not to feel bad. I've had moments where I was at least as angry. Plus, those first few minutes when I'm woken up, I'm a terrible ogre. My wife calls my alter-ego "evil trotsky". And the thing is, I have absolutely no recollection of what "evil trotsky" does! Oh he never hurts anyone but he does apparently have a foul mouth!

[rbnyc]

18. LOL

I'll tell my husband. I'm glad you understand. I make him sound terrible, but it's just one part of him, and it's totally human--just difficult right now.

[oregonjen]

10. How about a mattress on the floor and you sleeping with him?

My children did not sleep through the night for a long time. Co-sleeping was the best solution. When my daughter transitioned from our bed and crib to her own bed, we put a mattress on the floor. I would sleep with her just to get her comfortable, although she was a little bit older than your son.

Nursing in bed also saved my sanity. I could roll over, nurse and fall back to sleep.

Good luck to you!

Edited to Add: We are basically the only country that does not believe in co-sleeping. Babies just want the warmth and comfort of their parents. I am not a believer in "letting them cry it out." It may be hard on you, but look at it from the baby's perspective, they are little and needing you!

[rbnyc]

13. I'm overweight and my husband is a fitful sleeper.

I don't think it's really safe for Garrison in our bed. (Plus the 3 cats--I've been scratched badly myself.) Also, I sleep worse when he sleeps with us because I'm hot and crowded and worried about his safety.

Otherwise, I do understand and support co-sleeping.

I just hope we will eventually have more good nights than bad.

Thanks so much for your post.

[wildeyed]

11. You can't keep going on three hours of sleep.

I would suggest either doing some sleep training with the baby or co-sleeping. Either way, you would start getting more sleep.

My son was a horrible sleeper. I got a book called "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Marc Weissbluth that was somewhat helpful. I thought he took a more moderate approach to children's sleep issues than many authors. Most are either vehemently opposed to or only in favor of co-sleeping. I think life is not that black and white for most families. Anyway, it helped us.

Another thing I did was turn off the baby monitor. My son was an unsettled sleeper. He would thrash around and moan in his sleep for long periods of time without being fully awake. But it would wake me up and I would go in to him just to get him settled so I could go back to bed. With the monitor off, I could hear him when he really got bawling, but not when he was mildly unsettled.

When he really got crying, I would wait 15 minutes, and time it 'cause when your baby is crying it always seems like an eternity. Sometimes he would be able to settle himself, and gradually learned to do it all the time. I was never able to let him cry indefinitely, although I know many parents who have had to go to those lengths.

You need some time to yourself! I know you are completely wrecked right now, but can you do a girl's night out once a week? I used to do that. I would take a yoga class or get coffee with a friend. My husband also takes a night out once a week. It is nice to have a small piece of time where I am not a mom or wife or employee. I am just me, doing something I enjoy.

And finally, I don't think any one parent should be solely in charge of night parenting. Night parenting is one of the most stressful aspects of parenting, especially with a little one who doesn't sleep through the night.

When ours were little, we negotiated the night parenting duties. "I will get up the first time, but you are on deck for the rest of the night," or "I am really wrecked tonight, can you do the night time tonight, let me sleep and I will catch it tomorrow night?". That way we knew ahead who was in charge so there was less groggy resentment in the middle of the night.

Sleep problems are the worst. Nothing else every made me feel quite so hopelessly out of control as when my baby had sleep issues. It just seemed like endless hellish nights and groggy days. But it got better and now my boy sleeps consistently. He even asked to go to bed last night :)

Good luck!
:hug:

[rbnyc]

15. I will get that book.

Someone else I really trust suggested it as well.

I'm in a rush now--but I really like a lot of what you said in your post.

I wish I trusted my husband to share night duty, but I just don't. He's a wonderful dad, and acts like a wonderful dad during the day. I've watched them together and he's great. But he's a different person when woken from sleep. He's angry and abusive (verbally). I can't stand him stomping around and swearing, and it upsets the baby and makes it harder for the baby to go back to sleep. I can get him to go back to sleep in 10-20 minutes, while my husband can turn a wet diaper and a little thirst into a 3 hour extravaganza of crying and screaming. So it's not like I'm sleeping when my husband tries to take night duty anyway.

I'm the one who banned my husband from night duty, because I was afraid of him building a cycle of abuse. I just don't trust him to handle it.

He's wonderful on a full night's sleep.

So I've martyred myself a bit--but I just don't know what else to do. (I've suggested therapy--speaking of--I'm going to be late for mine!)

More later.

Thanks!