the loss of the dream child

[mopinko]

i am coping with the realization that my middle child, with whom i have had a horrible relationship, may be more than bipolar, which she was dx'ed with 3 years ago. now that she is 18, they may be "upping" her dx to borderline personality disorder. this means that this relationship may never heal, or at least not in the next 10-15 years. it also would mean that she is just a damaged person that may never really form good relationships with anyone, let alone really be able to succeed in life. she has had a lot of help, and may be in the low end of this spectrum, and may function decently.
but she will never be the person that i visualized when i looked at her perfect baby face the day she was born. adolescence is a time when parents often have to let go of that perfect dream child. this one is harder than most, because the real child that replaced that dream child will continue to be a trial and a worry.
so, i feel a real loss of a child here. not because she is not perfect, but because she has never, and maybe will never, have a "normal" attachment to me. or anyone else, for that matter. she has a live body, but a dead part of her brain. i mourn that loss.

[soleft]

1. Very sorry you're going thru this

I think you're probably going thru a more painful and intense process that all parents go thru if they're open to letting their feelings in.

It occurred to me recently that a relationship with your child is different from the relationship you have with anyone else because it's a series of losses, and in a way, a series of deaths that have to be mourn.

What I mean by deaths is that as your child grows up they're constantly changing into a new person. So the baby you loved at 8 months, the adorable five year old child, the awkward adolescent, once your child grows out of that stage the person they were is gone forever, and you can really really miss that person.

It's not like that with friends you grow up with because you're changing at the same time and you don't really notice the changes, unless you don't see them for a long time. And it's not like that with relationships you form (Unless there's some drastic event that truly changes someone) as an adult because people don't change as dramatically as a developing child.

I guess my point is that even tho I love my teenage son and love the person he is - I really miss his previous incarnations and I feel a loss that I'll never get to be with those incarnations again.

That's not exactly what you're going thru - but part of being a parent is having to let go and experience painful losses.

I wish you a lot of comfort, strength and peace.

[mopinko]

2. you are very right

i miss those toddlers something fierce.
i posted this because i agree that this is a large part of being a parent, even of a nearly perfect child. they never do grow up to be what you thougth.
thanks for the good wishes.

[SoCalDem]

3. mother nature planned it that way..so you WOULD be able to let them go

but in most cases (if you are lucky), you do get to experience those things again, with THEIR children... (no grandkids in my life yet)

A sociologist once told me that the "evil teens years" are the impetus that prods us to let them go (and help them pack), and the memories of their baby & toddler years are what keeps us from killing them :evilgrin:

[Chalco]

4. Au contraire.

Borderlines are not hopeless. I'm a case in point. But, I got myself therapy, and with borderlines the therapist has to be excellent otherwise it's a waste of time and money, and by all accounts--friends, family, colleagues, etc. I'm fine. Just normally quirky like everyone else.

All is not lost.

I personally prefer being a borderline personality to bipolar any day.

[mopinko]

5. glad to hear that

i have heard from a couple of high functioning borderlines, and i am a little more hopeful. she has had an enormous amount of good help, and she should be able to function decently. she has a boatload of gifts smart, funny, curious. afaik, her support has helped her resist drug, alcohol, whatever, so, that is a big hurdle.
she does have a co-occurring bipolar, and has been very resistant to taking meds. that is a big part of my worry.
but trust me, friends and family do not think she is just fine. hopefully she will get out of adolescence without any irreparable damage to her, or me.
still, there are some things that are never gonna happen.

[Chalco]

6. I didn't say it was going to be easy. But..

sooner or later, it will be up to her to take responsibility, which means take her meds and get the help she needs.

I wish you well.

[SoCalDem]

7. Our middle son was a MESS, and we often wondered if he would even LIVE to

see 18.. he's now 27, staying out of trouble, working and living in Seattle. He still has "bumps in the road", but he's 100% ahead of where we expected him to be..

He was diagnosed at 15 with antisocial personality disorder (even though the diagnosis is rarely made in people his age).. He got into trouble with the law, was verbally abusive, ran away, refused to go to school.. you name it.. It started when he was TWELVE and just "left" for 5 days.. (went surfing at San Onofre)...

Ours refused meds..and instead self medicated with everything but heroin..


Hang in there..there is hope..

[mopinko]

8. yea, this kid has a long story

i think her therapy has helped keep that drug/alcohol thing at bay. if it stays there, maybe she will be ok. she was drinking and sneaking into bars at 15, tho.
i'm hoping, but i am mourning the loss of a kid's love. you think that is something you will always get back as a mom, at least in some way.
i am so sick and tired of people's advice to me, tho. they mean well, but they just don't know. the next person who starts out with "well, you know mo, you are a strong personality, maybe...." may just lose their head.

[SoCalDem]

9. Our son did write me a very nice letter after he moved there

apologizing for all the crap he put us through, and asking us to forgive him for it:) There's hope for your daughter.. If she can escape motherhood before she's ready, she may turn her life around too :) there is hope:hug:

[lizzieforkerry]

10. I'm so sorry.

I knew where you were going with your thread before you got to the new diagnoses. It it is a very difficult one. I think borderline and autism may be the two most difficult from a mother's perspective because they aren't able to return the emotional connections. Anyway...sorry to hear of your loss. You may want to consider joining a support group, or just posting here periodically for some hugs threads. :grouphug:

[mopinko]

11. thanks lizzie

those cyberhugs go a long way. no pun intended.
i know that if i hadn't poured the commitment i did into this child, she would not be as good as she is. so, it isn't completely wasted. but it sure is like riding a bike with a flat tire. hard, slow and damaging to the bike.

[Pirate Smile]

12. When my son turned 3 they thought he might be autistic. He was

difficult to deal with and different from the other kids. I had a 4 year old and a 6 month old also.

I researched what that meant and the idea that he might not form emotional connections and be able to live on his own and the life for him and myself and our family that I read we would have was absolutely devastating. I too mourned the loss of that child that he would never be, that I would never have and it was devastating.

Mine is a happy story though. He is now in first grade - no IEP or anything else, he still is a little different but I think he mainly has anxiety issues.

I recognize the mourning because I recall doing it for that period of time where I thought that was going to be his and my life. It is the loss of a hope, a dream, and it is very painful.

I'm very sorry and hopefully the reality will end up being much better then it now appears it will be - it does happen.

:hug:

[mopinko]

13. hope your little guy continues to do well

nobodies dream for their child ever have anything bad in them, of course. so everyone ends up having to make that shift.
we are through with the worst of it, i hope. i am grateful for the team that she has helping her. she will do as well as is possible. it is really crazy, tho, that much of that help is being provided through the schools. that seems to be THE avenue to help troubled kids. outside of that, there is so little. it's nuts.
:hug: to you, too, and all those struggling with the loss of dreams.

[SW FL Dem]

14. I can't imagine your pain

My son is my best friend and we have as good a relationship as any parent can have with a 14 yr old. My son is adopted so we have little info on his genetics, but so far, it's working. I hope the best for your daughter.

[Ilsa]

15. I feel your pain. My son is autistic. Our struggles never end and he is

only eight. We have a multitude of fights ahead of us, with him, the school system, doctors, insurance, you name it.

I really am very very sorry. I hope they can get the right dx for her and help her and you.

[mzmolly]

16. I am so very sorry.

My child has Tourette Syndrome. We were shocked at the dx, and also experienced a "loss." The most difficult thing I suppose is not knowing how to help, or what the future holds?

*hug* to you in this difficult time.

I understand that BPD is a condition that many have and it goes undiagnosed? I would venture to guess with proper diagnosis and help your daughter can improve.

To my understanding cognitive therapy has had some promise with this disorder?

Best wishes.