Suddenly, my son is throwing screaming tantrums. He's 8!

[SmokingJacket]

The older my son gets, the less well he handles frustration. In the last few months, he *screams* and cries when he has to do something he doesn't want to do -- instrument practice, homework, anything really. Also if he wants to do something, but it's difficult or we won't let him. Otherwise he's a sweet, very loving, unaggressive kid.

Today his friend told me he freaked out twice today in school -- I was under the impression he saved his freak-outs for home. So it's escalating.

Has this happened to anyone else? Any ideas why this might be happening? We've never once caved to any tantrum, so I don't think it's manipulative. His dad is a hothead, and his biological grandfather is a total ASSHOLE hothead, so maybe it's just a temperament thing? I know there's extra tension in our household because of politics and finances, but it's not THAT bad. I don't know how long I can take it.

Any ideas about extinguishing this kind of thing, too???

[mopinko]

1. how is he sleeping?

sleep makes my world go round. my kids too. does he snore? get a lot of colds? have big tonsils? have allergies? all sleep killers in kids.

[SmokingJacket]

3. That is a good thought.

I get him to bed by 8:00 most nights, and he's up at 7:00 or so, so I thought that was enough... but he LOOKS tired. Maybe his sleep is of poor quality for some reason?

He doesn't seem to have allergies or anything like that, so I wonder??

Very interesting....

[mopinko]

5. dark circles under eyes

should always ring an alarm with docs, but they sure enough never do. there are a lot of things you can do with sleep hygiene. summer can be hard, because you sleep better when it is cool, like 65. a nice dark room helps, too. that can be hard for kids.
one thing i had to do was move my parrot. she was near my room, and loved to great the dawn.

so many things can bug sleep. i am about to put my foot down, and try to get a sleep study for my kid. docs just don't listen when you say sleep.

[wildeyed]

2. I would take him to the pediatrician first,

see if there is a medical problem. Also, someone else mentioned sleep. My daughter is normally an amiable kid, but if she is not getting enough sleep, she is a bear. So I would also make she he is getting enough sleep for a kid his age. We slip around here on that, putting them to bed a little later and a little later until I finally notice that everyone is exhausted and cranky all the time. When they start falling asleep in random places during the day is a clue that we need an earlier bedtime, too.

If it is not a medical issue or sleep deprivation that is causing the outbursts, I would institute some serious consequences for the behavior. Your son my be naturally volatile, and if so, he will have to work extra hard to learn to control his temper.

What does his teacher say about the school outbursts?

[SmokingJacket]

4. Sleep could well be part of it...

He's in his bed enough, but he may not be actually sleeping well, since he has huge eyebags and just looks sleepy -- though he has plenty of energy and hasn't fallen asleep during the day since he was a toddler.

Yeah, I will take him to the doctor. He's also not eating very well, but then, he never has.

I'm wondering what kind of consequences might work. I send him to his room to calm down, but that's not much of a deterrent...

I haven't talked to his teacher about it yet, since it's only the second week of school.

[wildeyed]

6. Maybe a growth spurt?

Some other developmental bump in the road? My daughter resists sleep sometimes. I think it is her way of exerting control over her environment. I can't make her sleep and she knows it.

I don't know what to suggest for consequences. My kids are younger. When my daughter goes completely off the tracks, I usually put her in her room until she can get it together. I don't know what is appropriate for an older child.

[Southpaw Bookworm]

7. Dietary changes

Is he eating a lot of processed foods? From what I understand, the preservatives, dyes, and other chemicals can cause behavioral problems.

[SmokingJacket]

15. Not a lot, we're home-cooking people...

He's thin and small for his age and a picky eater, so I probably do let more junk in than I'd like, though.

[soleft]

8. My son had some problems around that age

A social worker at his school taught him some relaxation techniques.

[SmokingJacket]

13. Wow, that's interesting!

Perhaps I'll look into that...

[The empressof all]

9. Sometimes.....

Kids this age act out of frustration and anxiety. He may not know the words for his feelings and may just be doing what comes "naturally" for him. (I know I'm guilty of having a screaming mimi fit or two)

Have you explained to him that using words to talk about his anger is more effective than raging out. I know with my daughter, when I listened quietly when she used words to express her frustration and validated her concerns she was able to calm down and accept decisions that she didn't like. It is a process....

Concerns about sleep and nutrition are valid too and should be explored. But it sounds like he's had some negative modeling from his father and grandfather.

I don't know off the top of my head any good books to recommend but I'm sure if you spent some time looking for some positive parenting technique books you may get some good suggestions on interventions with this common behavior.

[SmokingJacket]

14. "Common behavior" -- that's reassuring.

None of his friends seem to act this way... but maybe I just haven't seen it.

This morning he had marker ink on his hands and it was getting all over the table, so I asked him to please wash his hands before he ate breakfast: "WHY?? I don't have to!! It's the newspaper!!"

"Look, there's ink on your hands, and you need to wash it off before you eat."

"NO! I don't want to wash my hands! Why should I? AHAHHHGJLDKGHOEIH!"

It's just completely unreasonable. Maybe I need to access some deep well of patience in myself and deal with it in an even calmer, ultra-reasonable, totally unflappable way.

They way he meets my reasonable and calm arguments with more and more screaming and craziness makes me think he *wants* me to get angry at him.

He's definitely had some negative modeling, and I'm still working on my husband...

[mzmolly]

18. So sorry. I second "The Explosive Child" recommendation which in essence

states "choose your battles" and consider what is worth enduring a meltdown over. It might help in the short term?

My kid has issues dealing with frustration as well, I try to give "choices" when I can rather then make demands, but that's not always possible. UGH.

[rbnyc]

10. Sounds like my husband!

Actually, I'm scared my son will develop the same kind of behavior--because of what is often modeled for him by my husband and his father.

My son is only one. The only idea I've tried to implement so far is to encourage the adults around him to STOP modeling this behavior.

My husband often says it "runs in the family' as if I'm just supposed to accept it. But he's getting better. I hope we can break the cycle. I hope you can too. Wish I had more advise.

[wildeyed]

11. I have tried to teach my kids to verbalize their frustration

instead of acting out. My daughter is getting pretty good at it. She says stuff like, "mommy, I feel very frustrated and sad because my brother took my toy!" instead of hitting him. And then we try to work out a solution.

[rbnyc]

12. That's excellent.

Good job for your daughter.

[mzteris]

16. The Explosive Child

is a good book, so I've heard. I've not personally read it, but I'm on some loops with people who have children with significant behavioral issues and this book comes highly recommended by people who have children acting like yours.

You've already heard the "sleep" suggestion? Does he snore? Sleep Apnea can be a real problem.

Also, I saw someone mention diet. Dyes and other artificial substances are notorious for causing behavior issues. Also, my nephew had allergies that caused him to severely "act out" at about that age - mold and dust being two, there were also some specific food allergies.

I saw a poster (on another loop) mention her daughter was "addicted to the adrenline" - and would unconsciously escalate everything to get the high.


You mention dad, granddad having anger management issues as well. Are there any other "oddities" associated with them? There could be some real "differences" going on.

As for the outbursts themselves... don't play into it. Calmly refuse to discuss it. Put him in time out. (I personally like the stairs.) Tell him when he calms down, you can talk. If he screams, remind him you can't understand/hear "scream" and that he needs to calm down before you can discuss it.

I have a younger son whose birth mom had anger management and impulse control issues (she also "self-medicated" during her pregnancy - and no - they're weren't "prescription" variety of DRUGS, either) so he has tendencies to explode. If I can catch him BEFORE he goes over the edge its so much better for everyone. Removing him from the scene. Getting eye contact. Dropping to eye level. Remaining CALM. Speaking calmly. These things help.

Also, he knows that there are consequences for "losing it". Making a mess, means cleaning it up. Name calling, means apologizing - SINCERELY. Throwing something means losing that object - or some thing of his he values for a "while". Getting physically agressive with another kid means he's not allowed to "play with anyone" for XXX minutes/hours/days... (and not allowed to watch TV nor play 'puter games.) He KNOWS this. During a time when he's "calm and happy" we talk about consequences of violation of rules. So he accepts them when the time comes.

He's much better than he used to be (he's nearly 7) but as he starts to get his testerone growth overloads, we still have our days. (sigh)

[LeftyMom]

17. Can I suggest a book?

It's certainly possible there's a medical cause to all of this, but if it turns out there isn't (or in the meantime while you investigate that) you may want to read Raising your Spirited Child. It's a very gentle book that mostly deals with kids' sensitivities and how families have dealt with them before they cause big blow-ups like you've been dealing with. That book and a modified version of the Feingold diet have been absolute lifesavers with LeftyKid.