My five year old grandson is staying with us

[ismnotwasm]

While my daughter is stationed in Afghanistan. It's been over six month, but we're seeing a lot of anger, and some behavior problems. They aren't really too bad, but I know he misses his Mama. Any suggestions on how to deal with a five year olds anger and behavior would be greatly appreciated. Mom hopefully be back in March. She's getting out of the army, but if things go really bad, it could be December of 2005 before they let her out. All my kids are grown, the youngest is 18 so it's been a while for me. Me, I probably spoil him, which is not good. Ideas?

[Sabriel]

1. I'm not a fan of bibliotherapy, but...

it might help here. How about some books about children dealing with the same issue? Mommy, You're My Hero is one example.

Another thing a friend did was post pictures of the deployed person all over the house/apartment. Lots of reminders of the person who's absent, lots of talk about her, looking at the weather where she was, etc.

And here are some for you, Grandma:

When Mom and Dad Go Off to War, by Needlman and Jana.
Surviving Deployment b Karen Pavlicin

[ismnotwasm]

3. Thanks

I didn't think of books! We have some pictures. She sent some beautiful ones of herself in Kandahar, and he was very excited to see those, but I noticed he can't look at her very often. Sometimes when she calls, he won't talk to her. She prepared him as best as she could before she left, and had a couple of weeks leave in September, but he hurts, poor little guy. Most of the time he seems OK, but I want to handle this in the best manner possible.

[cally]

2. Anything you and his Mom can do

to let him know that she thinks about him and cares about him. Maybe she could record some stories or songs that he could listen to before bed. I would also try to mention her and let him just get angry about it. Let him be angry at his mother and you for this situation. That's better then being angry but acting out in other ways. Then just be consistent and firm. You are all in a horrible situation but a 5 year old needs boundaries. He needs to know that there are consequences to bad behavior. Many :hug: to you for taking on this difficult task and I pray your daughter is safe.

[ismnotwasm]

4. She actually send him a little paper book she wrote for him

I ask her about the songs and things. He sure does need boundries! She couldn't get out of this deployement without losing her benefits, if they try to extend her, I think she'll leave anyway. She will have served 8 years by this March, and has never shirked any duty. Thanks for the thoughts and prayers!

[rbnyc]

5. So Sad!

I don't really have any advice, I'm afraid. But this just makes me so sad. I couldn't imagine being so far away from my son. I can hardly stand just going to work every day. My heart goes out to you and your whole family. I hope your daughter comes home safe and soon.

[Biased Liberal Media]

6. No advice, but I'm a momma of an almost 5 yo

I can't imagine how hard this must be on both your grandson & your daughter. :( Many PTs for her to come home safely and SOON!

[oldlady]

7. anger and fear

are so directly connected. His clamming up on the phone is probably more a sign of his fear of great-big-emotion, than being peeved with mom. Kids need an outlet that directly addresses their fear --just like us :) Is there some kind of project he could work on with you that would make him feel like he was speeding mom's return, helping keep her safe, making a difference? Maybe he could write a letter to the paper asking for the war to end, maybe he could start a 'my mom is there too' pen pal connection, maybe he could start a daily picture journal to give mom when she comes back... anything that is concrete and addresses the situation causing the fear. We all need to feel we have some sort of power and control when facing our fears.

One of my kids was afraid of people drinking and driving when she was five -- we didn't drink, but she was really upset with the facts/information she'd picked up on some public service announcement or something. Anyway, we made it a project to write letters to all the liquor stores asking them not to sell any alcohol. She drew pictures about it and mailed them to kids' magazines. She made a sticker to wear that said "no driving if drinking". Okay, she was an odd kid to travel in public with wearing that sticker...but, it ended the fearful obsession in a couple of weeks. One of the liquor stores she wrote to went out of business a short time later--she took credit, of course. Now, she's a grown-up activist.

So, this is long-winded, but your post really hit home with me about kids who have a legitimate fear, but feel powerless and become angry and frustrated. Five is when you begin to recognize there is a big world outside the family. I'm so sorry he's coming to that astounding place in his development when his mom is far away and the world is so frightening. Peace.

[fortyfeetunder]

8. What military resources do you have?

I understand the DoD has programs for children whose parents are overseas. One program has parents reading books out loud on videotape, and another even arranges videoteleconferences. And I am sure with the holidays coming up there will be programs for those kids.

Is you grandson in kindergarten yet? Maybe you can investigate from his school counseling service (and there may be some counseling services available for pre-school kids in your school district) that can help with the behavior problems.

The best you can do is be your grandson's advocate when dealing with his behavior. Just reassure him when he's being naughty that he's a good boy, but what he's doing is not good for Nana.

Encourage him to draw out his feelings, maybe keep a little journal in a spiral book, that is cathartic even for the litle ones.

Play dates, he needs to be with other kids his age a lot.

I really hope your daughter comes home from overseas soon. This is so heart wrenching. Keep in touch