Talking about sex with kids

[GoddessOfGuinness]

I found a great book..."What's the Big Secret", by Laurie Krasny Brown and illustrated by Marc Brown (the Arthur guy).

It's been very clear, concise, and easy to read with my 7 year old. He's been studying on his own lately, and asking more questions, which I explain candidly and rather clinically; but he seems to understand and be satisfied with the answers I'm giving him. I'm glad he's asking me!

The other day we were driving to a concert, I was looking for the venue, and the little guy says, "Mom? What's a clitoris do?" So I had my first major stumbling over my words...
"Uhhhmmm wellll uhhhh...I'm trying to find the place where the concert is; and it's really not polite to talk about sex and private parts and such when we're in a roomful of strangers. I'll be glad to tell you all about it tomorrow."

So what the heck do I tell him? I certainly want to have some sort of answer when he asks about the more intimate details; but I'm not sure how much is healthy for him to know at this stage of things. Any books you might recommend on the subject of teaching your kids about sex without either encouraging them to be active too early or scaring the bejeebers out of them?

[Tab]

1. Your 7 year old asked you about a clitoris?

That's way earlier than I would have expected...

At any rate, I'm a firm believer in providing enough information for children without getting any more graphic or detailed than necessary.

I would have been rattled too, but I guess you can go back and say something like...

"Johnny, the other day you asked me about what a clitoris does. Do you remember that?"

Johnny will probably say yes.

Then I'd turn it around and say "well, what do YOU think it does?"

He'll either say he doesn't know, or he'll reveal whatever urban info his classmates have given.

You can then say something like "A clitoris is part of a women's privates, just like your penis is part of your privates, and (next part is optional depending on the answer you got to the above question) some women like to have it touched, but it's very private and you only do it with someone you love". At age 7, I think that's as far as it should go.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

2. I was thinking it was too early to get too in-depth as well...

At the same time, I'm thinking that in the next couple of years, he'll probably rely more on friends (or maybe big bro) and less on me when he wants to talk about sex. I don't want him experimenting at this age, certainly. And I feel it's crucial to let him know the risks of pregnancy and STDs. Yet I feel somewhat obligated to help him understand that consideration of one's partner is important in order for the experience to be a pleasant one.

I'm just not sure what to say without saying too much!

Thanks for your input!

[mzmolly]

3. Well at his age, he needn't be concerned about sexually satisfying his

partner just yet. My sister has two teenage sons, and she is very open with them about sex. They've had the discussion you speak of, but when they were much older of course.

;)

I agree with providing age appropriate information. And, I'd wonder where the heck he learned the word "clitoris." - LOL.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

4. It was in the book I bought him.

It contains cartoon drawings of male and female anatomy, accurately labelled. He's always been fascinated by another anatomy book we have here..."The Human Body".

It's a completely innocent question. He just wants to know what the different parts of the body are and what their function is.

When Mr GoG had his neck surgery, we explained to Timmy what was wrong and what the surgeon was going to do, using x-ray photos and a drawing the neurosurgeon had made. He absorbed it like a li'l sponge. :-)

Maybe if I explained it very clinically...like "It serves to stimulate the female." It'll be enough of an answer.

[mzmolly]

5. LOL. I love it!

"It serves to stimulate the female."

Or you could say something like - "it's part of what girls have instead of a penis."

;)

[SoCalDem]

6. IX-NAY on the "touching" part

:)

7 yr olds are very tactile, and that might be a bit more information than he need just yet./. the other part about it being private should do it..

I told my boys that anything that underwear covered, was not to be displayed or touched by ANYONE..even a doctor (if i was not in the room)... ( a pediatrician that we actually took them to was busted for pedophilia, and boy was I ever glad I made that rule:)..)

They got the connection between the underwear and the privacy when they were small..

of course, my wiseguy son once said.. (he was a teenager)..so ,.if a girl's not wearing underwear, it's ok to touch? :)/... POW!!

[GoddessOfGuinness]

9. Good idea...

You must have felt sick after that doctor was arrested. How awful!

[SoCalDem]

10. I was reading the paper one day, and Boom! there was his picture

At first I thought, why would his picture be int he paper? Did he win an award or something?..Then I saw the caption..

"Local well-known pediatrician suspended from "........" and arrested for lewd acts upon a minor, a patient"..

I called all three of my boys inside, and sat them daown and asked them if he had EVER touched any of them in an inappropriate way..He had been their doctor for YEARS!!..

My oldest said.."You are always there when WE are there, so NO he never touched us".. They were teenaged by then, so we rarely saw doctors who were not orthopedics doctors by then :(..

He must had cut a deal, because I didn't see anymore articles..When I called the medical group, they were not allowed to comment..

I just looked on google, and his name is so common, I did not find anything either..

[GoddessOfGuinness]

11. A few months ago, I was checking the offenders list in my neighborhood

and my mothers, and found an old boyfriend. Thank god that didn't work out!

[Ms. Toad]

12. I would add to what you told your boys...

Having done rape counseling for years.

All children need to have permission to reject any touching by adults that makes them feel icky. It is hard for a child who has been forced to kiss Aunt Jane hello and goodbye in mom's and/or dad's presence to be able to reject other more secretive touching later by Aunt Jane. After all, they complained about it feeling icky but were forced to continue letting Aunt Jane hug and kiss them - while mom/dad smiled as if everything was wonderful. Why would they have any clue that it is any more OK to reject later touching that feels similarly icky?

With my own daughter, I went so far as to expressly tell her that she had permission to reject any touching that made her feel icky - even by me, her other mom, her grandparents, and so on. Giving children ownership over their bodies and feelings about being touched is crucial to helping them learn how to recognize inappropriate touching and to being able to protect themselves from it.

Being present, and aware, was obviously a good thing for your sons. Even though I am sure it was traumatic to find out how close the risk was, it is a lot easier for you as an adult to handle the "could-haves" than it would have been for your sons to recover from what is often an emotional injury with lifelong consequences.

[SoCalDem]

13. We never let them be "mauled" by well-meaning relatives either

We always lived a great distance from fringe family and we have a small family to boot, so there was little chance of it anyway...

I cringe when people encourage their kids to hug and even kiss people they rarely see. It sends all kinds of mixed messages..

[cally]

7. I agree with some of the answers above

that it's a girls private parts. Then see if he has anymore questions. I got these questions when my kids were this age or younger and they asked the same questions all over again a few years later. I was somewhat surprised that they remembered so little from previous conversations. The sex questions were just another random question to them. It wasn't until much later that it was important to them.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

8. I don't think I'll remind him of his question

If it's really important to him, he'll probably ask again.

For the most part he's just fascinated with the fact that babies develop inside their moms. He saw the word clitoris, and wanted to know what role it plays in the scheme of things.

An of course he's very curious about the notion of private parts and why something that brings so much pleasure should be private. It must seem rather foolish to a child's mind.

[tigereye]

16. i was in the parenting forum and saw this post

I remember a book we used to have at my old office... it was a very 70s style kids book and actually was pretty oddly explicit about sex and what the good feelings from touching one's body/sex felt like.... like a really big fuuny tickle was how they put it.

A parent I gave it too ( I'm pretty open minded) was not happy with that approach. I agree that it's hard to pick and choose what to show them and what to discuss based on their age and developmental level.

I got my son a book called "It's perfectly natural" about pre-teens and body functions, etc. and he mostly went through it giggling at the drawings. :) Funny how we see what is of interest and what they perceive are often very different.

[mopinko]

14. i think kids can be told

that sex and love and pleasure are an important part of what holds adult human relationships together. that is why we have body parts just for that purpose.

[fortyfeetunder]

15. Learning from examples

We recently acquired a set of boy and girl guppies. As aquarium lovers, know, guppies can be prolific. But I bought two fishbowls, one for the girls and one for the boys. And when the kid (at age 7.999999) asked why don't we put the guppies in the same tank.

The light bulb went off, age-appropriate sex education! I said, "guppies make babies quickly, and we don't make babies of any kind until we are prepared to take care of them".

The kid went away satisfied. And there have been no experiments to introduce guppies of the opposite sex!

[fortyfeetunder]

17. UPDATE: Learning from examples

First my rant: #$*#)*#( the cartoon network.

Anyway, it's 10 AM, and there is an ad on Cartoon Network about teen pregnancy. And of course my kid sees it and asks what it is.

So I say, Remember when I told you about the guppies, and that we don't make babies until they are ready? Same goes for humans. Teen pregnancy is when humans make babies as teenagers, before they are ready to have them. Then briefly talked about baby care and he got the message.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

18. Good for you...

Kids are bound to pick up words and phrases they hear on TV or from their friends at school. All you can do is explain as simply as possible...