I have made a parental decision. The holidays are canceled.

[halobeam]

I know I am mad. I know it seems, and well actually is, rather extreme, but in my 15 years as a parent, it is well deserved, by every member of my immediate family, including myself.

My 10 year old stole and then lied about it. My fifteen year old is a nightmare on a good day, ending this day with a nice "f - you" which has been following suit as of late. The expenses are strangling us as it is, and why should my husband and I suffer financially ONE BIT more, when these children are behaving like this?

We personally deserve to put that money in the bank, for a car that actually runs 7 days a week.

I don't have the spirit of Christmas, since I believe it is all about family, and right now, my family sucks. Why should I go through more than I already do, taking take of their every need, they don't deserve the extra effort from me. Their presents are NOT a need. They have a lot already, quite frankly. They couldn't possibly be spoiled since we don't have the means, but there is a fundamental sense of entitlement, and I apparently was lousy at teaching them better.

I guess I'm just really sharing here, instead of looking for answers... I feel I have them and I'm really not changing my mind. The last time I felt such a solid, strong sense of relief, was when I left my first husband, six months pregnant. I knew then that I couldn't take it any more, and I knew that no matter WHAT, I wouldn't feel worse than I had felt for way too long. As it turned out, I was damn right. That was fourteen years ago, and I've been happily married for 11 years this past August. I was living in an out of control environment and I guess that is where the tie in to these two situations comes in. I'm taking back control and I'm not going to stop. Either they will understand what is not tolerated and change their behavior or they won't, but they will not have a "regular gay 'ol day" until and if that happens.

I am still going to have a great Christmas. We are seeing our other relatives, who are coming from very far away. I'm already playing Christmas carols on the piano. I'm actually looking forward to Christmas now. It is now what Christmas is supposed to be. It's about people. If my children get this message along with the other one, then they will be better off for it. I truly believe that.

[SoCalDem]

1. I DO understand how you feel..

Kids can really push your buttons..they INSTALLED them and knw exactly how to hurt you..

Like you said, you are mad right now, and have every right to be.

You can still "do the holidays"...just start a new tradition this year..Give them things they need, and set the rest aside for "family" needs..if those needs include them later on, then fine....but if they continue to be creeps, they are not automatically "entitled"..

:hug:

[halobeam]

3. Yes they have the secret key to unlock my madness......

that is very true.

I did decide to put "traditions" as a focus this year; the eggnog, going to the lighting of the tree, ice skating at the rink, going to a Christmas light show, driving around the neighborhood looking at houses. Going through old toys, cleaning them up and giving them to the hospital will definetely be done, and we may go as far as buying a few things for the kids in a pediatric wing of one of the hospitals.

We'll decorate and bake cookies (bring them into the elementary school).. things like this will remind them about giving, and there really isn't anything better than that, as far as I'm concerned.

We may actually have the best Christmas ever! Okay, I won't expect that, I'll just secretly hope.

Thanks for the feedback!

[wildeyed]

2. Ack, teenagers!

Stop your scaring me. I was the most horrific teenager in the history of the world. Well maybe not that bad, but pretty bad. Now I see my sweet angel babies, and I can't believe that they may follow in Mommy's footsteps one day.

I know what you are saying about Christmas. It is waaaaay over the top. Too much in so many ways. Makes me tired just thinking about it. My kids are little right now, so I get a way with a nice meal, moderate decorations, a stocking and a simple gift. But as they get older, the culture infects them and they want MORE.

[halobeam]

4. Sorry, didn't mean to "creep" you out! lol...

Mine were sweet angels too, once. Awww... they really are good kids, just testing the worst of themselves right now, and the best of me.

I was a nightmare as a teen, too... ahhh payback. Ya know what they call THAT.

Only suggestion I have is to emphasize the other traditions... I didn't do that very well at all. Now, I'll never have another Christmas without the "trimmings"....


By the way. They will have one gift under the tree. I am making them their own personalized "Family Album". From birth, to present and each pic, with a different relative. I think they will LOVE that, even if they don't admit it to me right away.

I have one family album out on the coffee table, they look through quite often, both of them do, and they smile bright and wide and they laugh their bottoms off at some of them. They do love their family... even me, even now. I'm like the MOM-GRINCH... but they still love me.

I'll let you all know how this goes. It'll be interesting, that's for sure.

[wildeyed]

6. The albums sound fabulous.

Definitely something they will have for a long time.

Keep us updated. Oh, and Bah Humbug! :)

[halobeam]

7. LOL... hopefully, THEIR hearts will grow ten times in one day.

Here's to hoping!:toast:

[Lars39]

10. I remember playing Uno and Rummy a lot at the holidays.

Best Christmas we had we had no electricity(no tv!)for about 2 weeks due to an ice storm.
Card games and reading kept us sane. :)

[lostnfound]

13. That's a wonderful idea. You haven't really cancelled the holidays!

just converted them back into what they used to be about..which can include making presents for your loved ones.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

5. Have you told them this?

I'm not cutting on your decision...Lord knows it sounds like they need to understand exactly what possessions Life entitles them to.

I would suggest, though, that you make clear to them what is going to happen and what is NOT going to happen this holiday season. The lack of a gift-giving orgy will probably be a disappointment; but at least they'll be prepared for it, and will have time to reflect on the REAL Christmas that can't be wrapped in a box.

Best of luck to you all...Let us know how things turn out. :hug:

[halobeam]

8. Oh yes, I have made this decision abundantly clear to them.

Thanks for the "check"... when I posted my orig. OP... I was quite emotional. Sometimes, it is hard to get a handle on everything all at once, and it could've been a emotionally scarring IMO, to have not prepped them for this.

We are already planning some traditional things to do. I have actually NEVER strung popcorn and cranberries to put around the tree. I may learn a few things this Christmas, too!

I promise I'll keep everyone up to date.

[LiberalEsto]

9. Thanks for posting. I needed to read this.

I would gladly spend Dec. 1 through Feb. 1 in Siberia if I could just escape the Christmas bullshit for once. My 19-year-old daughter views Christmas as a spending (on her) extravaganza, and throws fits every year if even one present is not exactly what she asked for.

This year I talked things over with my husband (who is an enabler and gives in to the kids all the time) and he agreed we should set a budget and stick to it. I figured if we spent $200 per daughter (the other one is 22) it would be more than enough. My husband was concerned that $200 per kid was too low, but I am determined not to end up in more credit card debt this year.

Today I brought up the issue with the 19-year-old and she was outraged. "A shirt costs $100," she yelled, meaning that it would be terrible if all she got was two $100 shirts. I asked her what a reasonable spending limit would be, in her opinion, but she just raged on. She feels that since this year she is using her own waitressing earnings to buy presents (instead of demanding money from Dad to pay for the presents she buys people), we somehow owe her and should spend much more on her.

The other daughter is fine with the limit. All she usually wants are books and maybe one piece of clothing. She is not spoiled silly like the other one.

I fear my husband will buy more stuff for the spoiled brat just to "keep the peace." But he doesn't care how upset I get about how spoiled she is, how enabling he is, and how big the credit card bill is. I would love to enjoy Christmas again the way we did before this kid became a teenager, but it doesn't seem possible.

I know that even if I manage to set and stick to the limit, I will face curses and bitching and screaming from her, come Christmas morning. I have no other family -- no place to go, and no money for a place to stay. I hate Christmas and absolutely dread it.

[Lars39]

11. I'd cut her off totally.

Take what you were going to spend on her and go out of town yourself.
No one deserves to be abused that way. :hug:

[wildeyed]

12. You want to be really sneaky,

make a donation in her name to a worthy charity and give her a nice christmas card with the receipt. :evilgrin:

Seriously, there are so many people suffering this season, between the Katrina people still out of a home, the poor folks in Pakistan who will likely freeze to death for want of a tent, the regular homeless, the sick and on and on. I am sure $200 would be a great help. And 19 is too old for that type of behavior.

[Ilsa]

19. I still can't get past the "$100 shirt" business. eom.

[bleedingheart]

14. My kids are young but I have let them know that there are limits

and that there is no Santa.

I told them that Christmas was about family and sharing our experiences, our love and some good food. We need to do more for the needy and less for ourselves.

They seem to be getting into it and are not asking for much for Christmas...which is good.

My husband and I are buying nothing for ourselves and that is just fine...but I will be baking and decorating.

[mopinko]

15. the trouble with being a parent,

i hear my own voice in your rant, believe me. i have managed to get myself and my family into a better place. but i was in your shoes. so, i have to say that when i looked at my kids and saw spoiled brats, what i really saw was my own failure as a parent. that fueled my anger and frustration. it makes for an ugly cycle. in my case, there was some mental health issues in the family that were out of my control. they are stable now, and it is amazing the change that that has wrought. we had a calm and enjoyable thanksgiving. i am actually kind of looking forward to christmas, but i do understand your dread.

my parenting advice, tho, is that i always tried to make things either/or. it's fine to lower the boom, but i always laid out the way to lift the boom. we have told out kids for the last couple of christmases that their pile of booty will be directly related to the number of chores they have done to earn money to buy for their siblings. they have heard it enough times that i think it will stick this year. we shall see.
i also refuse to engage in my usual cookie compulsion this year. i have always made a huge bunch of cookies and begged for help, which i usually did not get. this year i will spend not a minute alone in the kitchen. if they want cookies, they better roll up their sleeves.

good luck. :hugs: it sucks to be a mom.

[sandnsea]

16. Do you like baking?

My mother always made a cazillion kinds of cookies and treats, although she made them at Thanksgiving and froze enough for Christmas too. So I started out that way, more or less. But over the years, it's too much work and it's too expensive. I even buy frozen pies now.

I saw your other post about it sucking being a mom and that you were quitting with your baking except for your family. I was going to post, but thought I didn't know you that well. But now I see this other post, and you just sound like you're in so much pain.

It does suck being a mom. The stories I could tell you. The gut wrenching agony at some of the things kids do, the worry, the work. My youngest is 19 now, the oldest 29, and of course there's still some worries. My oldest has a back problem and is back home because he can't work. So there's things like that still. But the rest of it does get better. You learn to let go.

And, at least for me, I did quit. What's for dinner? How should I know? There's a bunch of restaurants and grocery stores and a whole kitchen full of food. Surprise me. No clean glasses? You don't say, they're dirty in the sink. I'll be darned. Cookies for Christmas? Well actually none of us want them anymore, we opt for dip and crackers. But if anybody did, they make yummy cookies at the Safeway. It's one thing if you enjoy it enough to do it by yourself, but if you don't, QUIT.

After a nice long break, maybe even a year or two, you'll enjoy being a mom again!

At least it's worked for me!

[mopinko]

17. cookies are a metaphor, i guess

i don't cook much, period. i used to love to, but cooking for kids sure takes the fun out of it. especially since i have a mentally ill kid who has lots of food issues.
but those cookies do sum up what being a mom has been like for me. trying so hard to be spectacularly great, but ending up with a sink full of dirty dishes. and the people who eat them have no idea what they really cost.
next incarnation, i'm coming back as a dad. or maybe a dog.
seriously, tho, things are a lot better around here lately, but there is a lot of baggage to sort through. i have some health issues myself that i'm finally getting a grip on, and some other things are coming together. so, i'm moving past a lot of shit. it has been a long hard road. but it didn't kill me.

[sandnsea]

18. Yeah, a metaphor

Insert whatever task it is that you think is necessary for you to be "spectacularly great" and ask yourself if you enjoy it. If it isn't critical to the most basic standard of health dept cleanliness, quit doing it if it doesn't truly bring you pleasure.

What got to me more than the cost was how FAST everything disappeared. Spend 3 hours cooking a meal for 3 teen-aged boys to devour it in 10 minutes??? And who would have been just as happy with a pizza? Bah. Funny thing is, the less I make those dinners and desserts, the more they really do appreciate them when I do.

I am really glad things are coming together. I just really wanted to validate your feelings because sometimes it really does suck being a mom. An old friend once told me that life is nothing but wiping the shit out of your eyes so you could see the path that is right in front of you. :hug:

[mopinko]

20. enjoy, well,

i think that what i enjoy is not a very useful yardstick. i don't really enjoy keeping an eye on the kleptocrats that have taken over my country, but i can't not do it.
but i did enjoy it, they were a lot of trouble, but they were a real work of art. and for a long time they were the closest thing to art that i could manage in my life. but like all art, they were also about connecting. connecting to the outside world, that i didn't see that much of, and connecting with my family.
the family part reflected the family that i had. the outside world part was a reminder of the value that my job had to most people.
and this year, i walk away. but ya know, that isn't REALLY the answer. there is still a hole there, and giving up trying to fill it isn't the same as finding a way to fill it.
mom's ought to have a lot more value than they do.