it sucks to be a mom.

[mopinko]

just saying.
i was seeing a therapist for a little while, and one of the things that pissed me off the most about her was that i said that, and she said, "well, it's hard". no, it SUCKS. it especially sucks to be the mom of a mentally ill teenager. and to have a husband with problems of his own.
things are better now, but this is a thankless goddamned job.

[Tab]

1. Well, the real issue, maybe

is that it sucks to be in a dysfunctional environment with family members that need a lot of care and microattention.

I know what you're saying; my previous marriage had a wife with psych issues and a child that grew up in that environment, so in that environment, it sucked to be me, but it wasn't being a husband/father so much as just being in that environment.

Although technically you can always extricate yourself from your husband, if you so want, you are obligated to your child, and you have to deal with that regardless. I don't know what mental illness you're referring to, but it might help to look for support groups (and they are around). If you want, PM me (send private message) and at least tell me what and where, and I'll be happy to see if I can dig up any local groups for you that can be there for you, in a better capacity than we can do so here.

[mopinko]

2. that kid is now 18, so

that is better right there. she is at least bp, but maybe borderline personality disorder. the hubby was chronically sleep deprived, which has been pretty much dealt with. it is amazing how much easier it is to be the wife of someone who is not paranoid.
but being a mom is so thankless, and invisible, even when all is good. i guess it is on my mind with the holidays here. i have always made a lot of christmas cookies, and sent them everywhere. people gobble them down, and enjoy them, but no one thinks of them as a GIFT. in all the years i did it, i got a couple of recycled presents, and a couple of thank you notes. never once a real present. why? it was not a plate of chocolate chips. it was a beautiful collection of extravagant proportions. but it is just a thing that moms can be counted on to do, all in a days work. (although i spent the better part of 2 weeks, from shopping to shipping.) invisible, thankless.
this year i quit. i may make a batch or 2, for the family, but enough is enough. people think i don't work, so i won't.
sucks, tho.

[wildeyed]

3. I was kind of surprised at the amount of volunteer work

expected from SAHMs once I became one.

You are right about the thankless part. People who don't have kids assume that because it is easy (for many people, certainly not all) to get pregnant, it is easy to be a good parent.

I was glad I waited to have kids until I was older and already centered and somewhat successful in a career. If I had been younger, I doubt I would have had the self esteem to manage. The general message I get from society is that mothers (not to demean the work that fathers do, or to acknowledge that many fathers do a mother's work)and the work we do is pretty worthless. And it is true that a lot of the individual task that make up my day are repetitive and simple. But try doing them for 14 hours a day, seven days a week and then get back to me. And try to hire someone to do the work well. Not easy.

If they can't be genuinely grateful for the cookies, then they don't deserve them. Have you seen how much a gourmet selection of baked goods cost if you try to buy and ship them? Lots of $$$$s. And remember, food is love. Don't waste it on the undeserving.

[Tab]

4. I know first hand that is not easy at all

because my ex was BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), full and flaming, and I lived in that psychological hellhole for 8 years before I could get myself and my son out. Unfortunately her son (from her first marriage) went through stuff that would be difficult for a kid.

So, I haven't specifically had a BPD child, but I had a BPD spouse, and that can be like having a BPD child with adult powers, I guess... anyway I know pretty much what you're talking about.

It sounds like you're being a good mom, as best as you can, but BPDs will take and take - they suffer from extremely low self-esteem, and you can give and give and you'll never bring them to where they need to be. And you CAN'T, really, and part of the problem is that they don't want to seek help, because that's one more indictment on how "bad" they are, and their fragile ego can't take that. They are VERY difficult to treat - unless they want to accept something's wrong with them. If she will, then maybe you can find a BPD support group.

The bi-polar is a bit easier, I think - they're a bit more likely to acknowledge a problem and also there are meds to help level out the bi-polarness. That is, if she wants help.

I can suggest you let her know that you will be there for her if she wants to get help (but NOT in a way that I mean bailing her out of the million financial/life situations, but rather if she wants to seek help, she'll know she can turn to you).

I would also suggest, if you haven't done so already, find a psychologist that deals with this stuff (a Women's Health Clinic usually has info on who does that kind of thing) and pay for a few sessions where you basically learn more about those issues and how you can deal with them.

In the last year of my marriage, once I figured out what was going on, I did many sessions with a psychologist who specialized in BPD related disorders and got a LOT of insight into how my wife was the way she is, how she views things, and it was very helpful in dealing with my wife going forward, as I now knew what made her tick, and how she was looking at stuff. It still didn't seem logical to most people, but when I could view it through my wife's prism of how the world works, I had a much better idea of how she might react to something and/or if she was reacting in a weird way, how she came to that viewpoint. It may have been a warped viewpoint, but at least I understood it now.

I would also strongly suggest a book, "Stop Walking on Eggshells - Coping When Someone You Care about Has Bordeline Personality Disorder" by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger.

Someone who recognized my ex might have BPD gave me the book and at first I didn't think so (for instance, my ex was never a cutter), but then I got to chapter 3 ("Chaos") and it fit her to a T. A lot of the book fit her. Note that BPD's are all a little different, and won't match 100%. The DSM IV (psych diagnostic manual) lists 9 criteria for diagnosis, of which a candidate has to match at least 5. My ex matched 7 easily, and I'm pretty sure in one way or another she could have picked up the last two as well.

But it was a very good book for starting to see it for how it is. I'm not as familiar with BPs directly, so I can't suggest anything there.

Anyway, if you haven't already, get yourself the book, try to find a psychologist who specializes in BPD/BP and get her for YOU to understand how your daughter is reacting.

You're not a sucky mom. You're a good mom in a dysfunctional sucky environment. There's a difference.

[mopinko]

5. that's what i wanted from the therapist

help with the mental dysfunction that i was dealing with. info, ya know. didn't get that, tho. talking about other people is avoidance, ya know. professional help can be a good thing. professional no help can be incredibly frustrating. i have a lot of that as far as my physical health, and am at my limit right now for putting up with it.

the kid is getting a lot of help. she has a therapist that she has had for 4 years now, and is in a therapeutic day school where she gets a ton of support. her dad still gets along with her, and can help her and take care of her. i just try to stay out of the way, because anything that i do tends to have unwanted, opposite results. i am civil, with the exception of being the "bad cop" about getting up and going to school. she does well there, but i am dreading college. oh, well. she does better when she takes her meds, but she mostly has refused to take them.

and i don't think i am a sucky mom so much as i think i have paid a high price for being a mom. i have been blamed for my kid's troubles. i have been blamed for trouble in the marriage. my greatest wish in life is to only be on the hook for my own actual "crimes".

[Ilsa]

6. I'm sorry. I had to use duct tape on my nine year old autistic

son today just so we could drive home and not get into a wreck. It looks like I'm going to have to order medical restraints.

You're right. It sucks to high heaven and has cause me to reconsider the whole business about god and stuff.

[bleedingheart]

7. sending hugs your way Ilsa

:hug:

I can't imagine what you are going through....

[cally]

8. I'm sorry Ilsa..and mopinko

Your situations are horrendous. My longtime depressed teen just left home to live with my sister. She's doing well and I'm just amazed what a difference in my life. I'm just more sane and can focus on myself. I feel for both of you who are faced with what you are. If I had one word of advice it is to take more time for yourself. I always felt that I couldn't because I was needed and the best at some parts of this. That was a mistake. I should have just been more self centered. It would have helped all of us.