Need help. My kindergartner is being bullied.

[CoffeeCat]

Hi everyone,

I'm hoping that someone can offer opinions on this situation.

Since September, a kindergarten classmate (we'll call her Katie) of my child, has been harassing my child.

Katie seems obsessed with my child. There seems to be a "cycle" to her behavior. Katie will be excessively attentive with my child--drawing her pictures, paying a great deal of attention to her, following her around the classroom and constantly touching her (poking her, hugging her, picking her up off of the floor). It's as if she's constantly draped over my child. After a few days of excessive attention--this girl turns violent. My child has been bit on three different occasions. After one incident, I could still see the bite marks on her forehead when I picked her up from school.

This child also hits, pushes, smacks my child in the face and follows her around at recess.

During Sept--October, I spoke with the teacher 4 times about this. I was very diplomatic and calm. I explained what was happening and I communicated that this must stop. The teacher has been very receptive and has made changes in the classroom to keep this child away from my daughter.

After the bad biting incident (two weeks ago)--Katie was sent to the principals' office and severely warned and reprimanded. The principal called her parents, as did the kindergarten teacher (this is the forth time the teacher has called Katies' parents about her behavior). In addition, I volunteered in my child's classroom last Wednesday, and my child returned from recess covered in mud. Katie had pushed her down into a mud puddle. The teacher punished Katie. I got down on one knee and told Katie that all of this needed to stop now and that she needed to stay away from my child. I told her, "No pushing, no biting, no hitting, no following her around and please stop putting drawings in her cubby (sometimes there were 10 a day!). The next day--my child had 5 pictures in her cubby from this child! This child seems to fear no one.

I met with the principal and he explained that Katie was punished and he recommended that my child learn to be more assertive. I agreed that she did need to speak out more. She is the smallest child in the class. Although she's sociable and friendly--her temperament is similar to mine--she can be a bit shy.

We worked with our child. We instructed her to use her "Alex the Lion" voice, when Katie does anything bad. She now screams "Katie, STOP!" when anything bad happens. She also tells the teacher. Our child has learned to be more assertive, and we're proud of her.

However, nothing seems to work. The principal, the teacher, and even my speech to her---seemed to do nothing.

Last week--there was an incident nearly every day.

Although the school has given attention to this matter and they have taken steps to remedy the problem--it is not stopping.

What rights do I have? What rights does my child have? I cannot allow this to go on any longer. My child is now saying she doesn't want to go to school. I think she's been quite strong through all of this. However, I'm now telling her that mommy, daddy, her teacher and the principal are working to get Katie to stop. If we don't stop it, she's going to feel helpless and unprotected.

Does anyone have ANY advice? I don't want this child anywhere near my child. What do I have the right to demand?

Can anyone offer a fresh opinion on what we should do, or how I could handle this better of differently?

(Also, I feel for Katie. I strongly suspect she is being abused at home. I have absolutely no proof of this, but I do volunteer work with abused children, and I clearly see signs that something is wrong--and that Katie may be in pain).

[phylny]

1. Wow. This sounds awful.

I was expecting the "run of the mill" stuff, but this is quite excessive. The principal's suggestion that your daughter's behavior needs to change is off the mark.

All of the primary suggestions I would have made to you are things you've already thought of. So, without knowing anything about your district, here are a few ideas (I used to work in schools in special education, so some ideas are from my experience, but may not apply to your situation). You may have already thought of these things as well.

1) See if your school district has a "bullying" policy. In school districts that I have been in, children who bully get special attention from the school social worker, guidance counselor, etc. Yes, even in Kindergarten or elementary school. Don't take the word of the teacher, or even the principal - go to or call the district office.

2) In districts I've been in, children who attack or harm other children get suspended. To me, if the home situation is bad, this may not help, but maybe it'll get Katie's attention, or the attention of her parents.

3) Have your child's teacher sweep her mailbox/cubby before the end of the day, and have her put Katie's drawings in Katie's box for her to take home.

4) Demand that the school do something to stop this. I mean, demand it. Go to administration, go up the chain, but these attacks are unwarranted. If they need to have someone in the class to take care of Katie, to watch her, even for a short period of time, then they need to.

5) Speak diplomatically to the teacher to suggest that she might want to refer Katie to Child Study to see if other things need to be put in place, or if she needs to be referred for testing to see if she's eligible for special education.

6) As a last resort, have your child put in another Kindergarten class if this is possible. It would be a shame if she had to suffer this loss, but in the long run, it may be the best thing for her.

7) Tell the principal or the district that you'll be contacting the police or retaining a lawyer if this abuse of your daughter doesn't stop.

8) Consider making a referral to your state's Department of Children and Family Services if you believe there is abuse in the home. As you know, your call is confidential and may save Katie's life.

Best of luck to you and to your daughter.

[CoffeeCat]

3. Thank you so much for your input...

I really appreciate your sound and sensible advice.

I appreciate you taking the time to respond--and for caring about this situation.

You've helped to reinforce my own belief--that this bullying is extreme. I wanted to make sure that I wasn't overreacting. I've been firm with the principal and with the teacher--but I feel like I need to (as you said) DEMAND that this abuse stop.

I've begun documenting many incidents (dates, what happened, etc). No matter what I do--I think it will be important to have the abuse documented. I'm not afraid to be even more clear and firm with the principal--or to go over his head. You helped to reaffirm that the school must work to solve this NOW--and not treat this as a problem which is due to my daughter's lack of assertiveness.

Thanks again for your wisdom. I really appreciated that you took the time to respond!

I'll keep you posted, if you like.

[phylny]

5. Yes, please me know how this proceeds

and best wishes to you and your daughter!

[Chalco]

2. I'm sorry this is happening to your daughter.

Phylny had good advice.

Something similar happened to my daughter when she was in the first grade except that it was several kids who were bullying her. All of it was deemed my daughter's fault! These kinds of things can start making you feel paranoid when in fact what is happening is that you are being perceptive.

I kept having to tell myself that my daughter's previous teacher had said of her "She is socially, emotionally and developmentally on target." I also knew that nothing had happened within our home that could have caused her to turn into someone who would invite "pain."

I asked for a change to another first grade class, etc. I was told that she would be a problem wherever she was. When I exhausted administrative routes in the school, I transferred her to another school.

She had NO problems in the new school. I was furious about what had happed in the previous school and wrote a formal letter of complaint to the superintendent of schools. Once that kind of letter is received an investigation is done. The investigator, who typically is a retired principal, interviews all parties involved as well as staff from the child's new school. After the investigation was done I received a letter of apology from the superintendent of schools which included a statement that read "and we are aware that in your daughter's current school her behavior is socially and emotionally appropriate and that she is a positive contribution to the class." The teacher in the previous class was removed to a non-teaching position and the principal of the school retired.

I could go on and on. But, the bottom line is that this is not your child's problem.

[CoffeeCat]

4. Chalco, thanks for your post...

Hi Chalco,

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond, and for sharing your story.

I am so sorry about what happened to your daughter, and to your entire family. It sounds like the entire school failed your family, and I can only imagine how difficult that was for you.

I read your post and I was so angry! Why are teachers and principals treating bullying problems by blaming the victims? I don't get this.

I was very open to the principals' suggestion that my daughter needed to be more assertive. She does tend to be shy. We agreed to work with our daughter and we taught her how to use a "strong voice" and we encouraged her to tell the teacher--and to learn that she was a valuable person who deserved protection. My daughter did end up finding a spark within herself, and I can honestly say I think she does have a newfound confidence.

However---and this is a big "however"--I don't like that school officials put so much emphasis on the victim of the bullying. The child who is hitting, biting, harassing and striking fear in another child--is the problem. The reaction (or lack thereof) by the student may be a side issue--but it shouldn't be the focus of the problem.

When bullying happens--the sole emphasis should be to stop the abusive behavior.

Chalco--I am so happy that you were validated, in the end. You went through hell--but your daughter landed in a safe place and everyone involved knew that you were wronged. I'm glad you rec'd a letter of apology and I'm certainly happy that your daughter's previous teacher was demoted. This people are educators. Why do these games have to take place?

Kudos to you for sticking up for your daughter, too! You fought like mama bear to get the abuse stopped. When it didn't stop, you made some tough choices, and then you wrote the letter. Seriously...you are a good mother and your daughter is fortunate to have a mom who is such a terrific advocate for her safety and well being.

You are inspirational!

Upon reading your message--I realize that I need to let the teacher and the principal know that I will take this to the superintendent and other higher-ups, if needed. Maybe, if they know this NOW--they will solve the problem. Sometimes people can get lazy--and they don't want to make tough choices--until someone makes it clear that they absolutely have to make these choices---or else!

Thanks for your perspective, and for taking the time to respond. Your input was very valuable.

My very best to you and your daughter!

[Chalco]

7. Thank you!

Your response to me brought tears to my eyes.

My husband can't understand why the episode still makes me angry, but you're right, we mothers become momma bears. I did everything within my power to protect my daughter. The last straw was when the president of the PTA's daughter put a note in her backpack threatening to kill her! My daughter never returned to the school. It was her birthday and believe it or not she wanted to spend it at her old school! I put on a good face for my daughter, told her that she shouldn't be around children like that and busied her with making cupcakes for the kids in her new class, took her to her new school with 3 dozen cupcakes for her birthday and introduced her new teacher to her.

As a kind of testament to how much the events affected my kid, a few years later we ran into one of the girls who were responsible for the bullying. The girl seemed so happy to see my kid. My kid's demeanor, however, changed from happy to be going wherever we were going to looking comatose. She was unable to respond to the girl on any level. It was a vivid picture of how much scarring had occurred. So even though she was doing well in her new school academically, socially and emotionally when she saw this girl she was unable to make eye contact, went physically limp and was unable to utter a word.

Therapy helped her a lot. You may need to consider this for your child as well.

Please keep updating us on your daughter's situation.

[melv]

6. honestly?

It sounds as though Katie needs *Positive* attention. She is behaving negatively for attention. I only read about the punishments she receives...

I don't know that your daughter is the one to give it to her, but....


Katie sounds like she is crying out for help. Put yourself in her shoes, for just a minute. She is 5 - she knows no better - odds are she isn't getting attention at home. :-(

[CoffeeCat]

8. I totally agree with you...

You and I are on the same page, because I believe that Katie is probably a victim of abuse. I suspect sexual abuse.

However, I have absolutely no proof, so I'm in a difficult spot. I have done some volunteer work with abused children, and I have gleaned a great deal of insight from my own therapist--and from the abuse that happened during my own childhood.

For example, Katie seems to have my child in an "abuse cycle." She pulls her in, is overly nice to her--and like clockwork--the next day she is violent. This tells me that someone else is doing the same thing to Katie. A child this manipulative, at age 5, is in pain.

Katie is also a severe boundary violator--another sign of abuse--in my opinion. My child is the smallest in the class and she tends to be shy. I believe Katie picked someone who she perceives as "weak", to pick on. I witnessed Katie all over my daughter at a birthday party. It was shocking. She followed my child around--constantly poking at her and touching her. My child couldn't even walk, because Katie was all over her--all of the time. I told Katie to stop. She did. However, my daughter told me that Katie started up when I left the room for a few minutes.

If there is something I can do to help this child, I will. My goal is to get my child safe and get this behavior to stop. However, I am not wtihout compassion for Katie. She's a child and I can see that this behavior is coming from a place of pain.

Again, I have no proof. Only my gut instincts.

The school seems to be pretty insensitive when it comes to this bullying situation, and I have severe doubts about their ability to pick up on the subtleties that I sense.

The teacher did tell me that they are having Katie meet with the school counselor. So that is good.

I am documenting the abuse of my daughter. I plan to advocate for Katie as well, and let them know that both children need attention--and that this situation is more than a simple personality conflict between two children.

[melv]

9. I think you are on the right track

document, document, document.

I signed my son up for Karate classes after he began having similar problems. Oddly enough, he is the tallest child in his class, but he is very passive and non-confrontational, which the other kids figured out. I have to tell you that just in the last 3 months, the karate has given him a new sense of self confidence and a willingness to speak up for himself that simply did not exist before. He knows that it is only to be used for self defense, but I can tell a change in his morale had definitely occured. Just a suggestion.

Ultimately, you have to do what is right for your daughter, and she has the right to attend classes and feel safe. I would consider switching classes, if the problem does not get better. At this age this is no great trauma, I believe.

[Tab]

10. I agree with all that has been said...

Katie is abusing your child's boundaries. It would be nice if your child could protect her boundaries on her own, but most likely she's never been exposed to this sort of behavior where her boundaries are being violated (in other words, other people have automatically respected her boundaries so it's never been an issue).

It's inappropriate to insist the only solution is for your child to set boundaries. Instead, it's most appropriate that Katie be taught to respect them.

I also agree about the abuse. The reason Katie can't respect the boundaries of others is that someone is probably not respecting hers. So I don't blame Katie explicitly (or any 5 year old - they're all products of their environment).

That said, your daughter is totally entitled to an education free of bullying, and I disagree that your daughter should be moved out of the classroom - if anything, Katie should be separated, if she's the disruptive influence.

And yes, please document everything. It costs nothing, and could be very valuable later.

[fortyfeetunder]

11. The kid K***e needs a mental health specialist NOW.

I know of someone who has a kid who has issues similar to Katie's but not as extreme. The parents have had the kid working with mental health specialists since they identified the behavior several years ago. And the parents are in constant contact with the teacher. This kid is doing better now

What I don't understand in your case is where Katie's parents are. They don't care? I don't think there is necessarily abuse. Katie may have some undiagnosed mental health issues. And it's apparent the parent(s) do not have a set of consequences for negative or positive behavior. Therefore, the child acts out at school.

If your school is not providing mental health services, then please be an advocate for getting those services. Katie desperately needs it.

And a call to CPS is appropriate as a warning call to Katie's parents.

[rucky]

12. Katie's parents?

Are they involved in the plan? Chances are the parents are why she acts the way she does, but they need to know that the teacher and administration are actively resolving this issue.

There should be a specialist at the school that works with emotionally disturbed children. You may want to suggest the teacher and principal to write an IEP (individual education plan) for her recurring behavior, which would include regular sessions with a counselor, and set disciplinary standards for her behavior toward "other kids" (yours, yeah, but no need to make it personal). Her parents would have to be involved in the process & I don't know how agreeable they may be, but you can dig your heels on this one - it sounds like the school is on your side, but need some things to happen on the parents' end to proceed. Also, dragging her parents into this will probably draw out your suspicions, which will also be observed by the school.

The school probably sees this next step coming and isn't exactly eager to confront the parents. You need to escalate it.

[mzmolly]

13. In all honesty, this doesn't sound like bullying, it sounds like

"Katie" has ISSUES that demand serious attention. I'm not talking "punishment" I'm talking psych evaluation or as you said an evaluation of what's going on at home.

My personal advice: Remove your child from the school/classroom. No HUMAN BEING should be subject to such treatment. Homeschool/switch schools ... something. Katie sounds like she feels your daughter is a "friend" and she is going to treat her either as she is treated, or in a manner that what ever condition she has allows.

As far as what rights you have, I noted them above. You have the right to remove your child from school, beyond that - Katie is the primary person with "rights." And, she sounds like she has special needs that by law, will be accomodated (perhaps at the expense of other children) by the school district.

Best wishes.