I'm so scared!

[rbnyc]

I've started to respond to ads in craig's list for childcare, and have also placed my own ad. I'm going to be interviewing babysitters starting next week. I will be asking for references and spending time observing the candidate with my son.

What else can I do? How can I know my son will be safe. How can I ever leave him with a stranger? But if I don't find care for him, I'll have to quit my job, and then we won't have health insurnace or money for food!

I need to find a sitter for him--I've asked everyone I know, and now I have to start going through agencies, etc. and find someone I don't know.

I'm scared out of my mind. I could check references and spend hours interviewing and leave my baby with someone who seems just fine and then just never see him again!

If I have to go through an agency, or an ad, what is EVERYTHING I need to do to make sure I've fully checked up on the candidate?

Anyone else ever hire a sitter that wasn't a family member or friend? How did you deal?

I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!

(Y'know, I actually don't even really like leaving him with friends and family. On some level, I wish that we were the only 2 people in the world.)

[SoCalDem]

1. Use your GUT feelings.. People can look fantastic on paper

but you can sense if they are the one..

I was lucky..the only time I had to have a sitter for work, it was the mother of my best friend, and Scott called her Grandma..

Are they going to sit at YOUR home??? If not, a home visit is a must so you can see the environment.

Check their license, and make sure there have been no complaints.

Watch Garrison with them.. Is he hesitant? How many other kids do they watch? Do they have pets?

It will drive you crazy at first, but it will work out.. Kids are resilient and most people who do daycare are fantastic people..:hug:

[rbnyc]

2. Thanks.

We'd like to get someone to come to our home. If we bring to someone's home, I will knock on all the doors and question all the neighbors.

My sweet baby!

:loveya:

[wildeyed]

3. I found my first sitter through the cleaning service lady.

I asked did she know anyone and she said she thought her Mom might be interested. So I called her Mom and did an interview.

I also did a background check. Background checks are difficult. There is a national registry for sex offenders, but regular criminal offenses are done by county and not in a national database. So you have to check every county the person has lived in individually. They may have a record from someplace and if you didn't know they lived there, you would never check and never know.

I also worked from home, so I was with the sitter most of the time. The first time I went out and left the baby alone with her, I nearly had heart failure I was so scared. Maybe if you could work from home the first few times your new sitter stayed with the baby, you would feel more confident? Also, it would give her some time to learn your family's routines.

And finally, have you considered group care? I know it is not ideal for babies, but just a few days a week wouldn't be so bad. You have peace of mind knowing that more than one set of eyes are watching your baby, plus you are not subject to the inconsistencies of a sitter, for instance when they quit with no notice or get sick and can't come to work.

For what it is worth, I came to love the sitter I hired. She was an older woman who had five kids of her own. She wanted to subsidize her retirement income by working part time. She was great. So sweet and loving with my child and a really calm supportive presence for my entire family. I cried like a baby when her husband became ill and she had to quit.

[SW FL Dem]

5. Good advice!

I had my sitter start on my last week of my maternity leave so I could spend time with her and watch how she interacted with my son. It was expensive but the peace of mind was worth it. I also got a pager (this was in the early 90s) and I knew that as long as my pager wasn't beeping my kid was ok.

[MediumBrownDog]

4. In addition to all of the above...

If you are successful in retaining a caregiver to work in your home (good luck, they were too expensive for me!) my best friend who went through this has good advice: after they've been there a day or so, start popping in at random moments. Just quietly use your key and 'forget your lunch' or 'just wanted to kiss Garrison' or whatever. She caught two sitters watching TV while the baby cried, and two more just putting on videos and talking to friends on the phone. (She sat in her foyer and timed it). The fifth one was the charm. Every time she came home, this sitter was actively engaged in play or, when there was a video on, they were sitting together, clapping or singing or discussing what was going on.

Now, my friend spoke to her boss in advance and said "I'm working with sitters, and I'm popping in and out the next few weeks to check on the situation. Once it's straight, I will be even more focused at work." Her boss was fine with that.

Good luck!

[SW FL Dem]

6. More good advice!

I remember once when my son was 3 and came down with chicken pox on my second day at a new job. He couldn't go to his day care and I had to hire a woman from a babysitting service. I had two neighbors pop in and check on him and call me at work with updates.

[rbnyc]

8. I have an hour and a half commute, was thinking of having a friend pop in

But then, the sitter shouldn't let my friend in...

I'm trying so hard for group care. I didn't know I was going to be in this situation--we'd made other arrangements. Waiting lists are so long.

But, I'm not going to settle, so we'll see.

Thanks.

[SW FL Dem]

11. My sittter had a list of authorized "visitors"

You could do the same. Pick a few people you trust and let her know that they should be let in anytime they show up.

[Tab]

7. You don't say how old your child is

but if you're that concerned (as you should be) and your child can't talk/explain, I vote for group care, unless you get someone on sterling personal references. Once your child can explain what happened during his day, you have a better chance of keeping tabs on individual caregivers. But infants can't explain anything.

Gut explains a lot, too. Some people I just instinctively know are fine. Other people I just don't go for. My ex-wife once had someone over to consider as a renter of an apartment we had on our property. The guy instantly gave me the willies and I didn't want him touching my son or anywhere near us. She thought he was fine, but he really set off my radar like no one else ever has. I don't know a thing about him to this day, and maybe he was fine, but if nothing else, he did nothing for MY mental health. You need to have confidence your child is in safe hands.

[rbnyc]

9. I think I'm probably going to spend 9 months interviewing people...

...never be sattisfied and then I'll be up on the waiting list for day care.

My husband will just have to work part time, and we'll have to somehow live on 2 part-time salaries.

HaHaHaHa!

OMG!

But seriously, I'm an idiot. I already put his age in an ad. Should I not interview anyone from that ad, and do a new ad?

[Tab]

10. No, I didn't mean that

Anyone you advertise for, the first question they're going to ask is how old he is...

All I meant was, if he's under the age where he can communicate if something is inappropriate, and if you're significantly worried, then look at different care.

I have some people I'd gladly leave a 3 wk old with.

By the same token, I know a few people I probably wouldn't leave a 13-yr-old with, without checking back.

But if you're uncomfortable, go for group care or someone you really trust.

[rbnyc]

12. A friend can watch him in January...

...and a close family friend may be able to watch him starting in February for a few months...maybe until we come up on one of the waiting lists for day care!

THANK GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Dora]

13. That's how it worked for us....

We needed to find care last year when our son was only eight weeks old. It broke my heart and my head to make phone call after phone call that I didn't want to make, only to find out that there was no room anywhere for him. We coming down to the wire (I had to return to to work) and I was approaching high panic when my husband came home from a drum lesson one day very excited - his student was a pro babysitter and would swap sitting for lessons.

We now have had three incidents of asking the universe, "Oh, no... what are we going to do?" And each time, at the right time, a solution would fall into place. I hope that the world opens for you as it has for us.

Thank goodness you can get through the holidays without worrying about January. I hope they're happy for you.

[abelenkpe]

14. Try to call the daycare's that you have signed up for

I know they always say their list is very long. But if you call periodically to see if things have changed and there might be an opening sooner and you could luck out. We were on three or four waiting lists and things were looking like there wouldn't be an opening for a year or more, but my hubby called each one every once in a while and just when we absolutely needed one a spot became available.

Good luck with everything!

[wildeyed]

15. That is a good idea.

My friend got her kid off the waining list and into a magnet school that way. She called periodically and sounded really enthusiastic. Turns out the principal has a little leeway in who gets in, and because my friend was diligent, she got priority.

[Sabriel]

16. Two suggestions

First off, I can't imagine what you're going through...we have access to and have used the campus daycare, which is staffed by tons of future teachers. With that in mind, can you advertise at a local college or university that has a teacher education program? You would be interviewing future teachers who already have gone through background checks for application to the program, most likely. And they're good risks, seeing as how many of them are looking for good references when they apply for jobs someday.

Second, I HIGHLY recommend reading the book Protecting the Gift, by Gavin de Becker (link below). It certainly opened my eyes and made me think differently.

Good luck!

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0440509009/102-0220435-4176145?v=glance&n=283155

[lostnfound]

17. That looks like a great book. thanks. NT

[lostnfound]

18. I'm surprised no one has mentioned a nanny cam..? My experience:

First off, I sympathize with you. I changed nannies 3 times -- the first because she was watching too much TV and ignoring my son, the other two were simply circumstances, not bad nannies. But even the first one wasn't all that bad.

You ARE the only 2 people in the world! Enjoy it. :) :toast:

Secondly, I felt just like you about leaving a nonverbal baby with a stranger. Yet I was reluctant to put him in daycare. So I told each prospective nanny that I would have a nannycam to check on how my baby was doing. I set up two cams that I bought on the internet for a couple of hundred dollars and hooked one to the VCR with a long-play tape. At various times I also would wire it to the internet so I could check on him from work, but that was a little more difficult.

The first nanny: She wasn't physically abusing him or anything but I wasn't comfortable with how long she let him cry in his standing-saucer while she watched some TV program. Just even a few minutes -- it broke my heart because I follow an 'attachment parenting' perspective. I don't exactly blame her because we all come from different perspectives and backgrounds, and maybe the total attentiveness approach seems crazy to the more pragmatic or more stressful lives that others live (i.e., I'm sure that moms with triplets or multiple kids in diapers have to leave the baby crying sometimes). But it wasn't what I wanted.

Most of his time was spent with an out-of-this-world excellent nanny from the Phillipines who he loved so much (as do I) that I chose her for his "godmother". She was a nanny for the daughter of a friend of mine, so I knew she was good. But my friend initially found her when she was out crying on the curb about her fear of not finding a good caregiver for her daughter, and some other nanny walked by who knew just the person for the job. For her, it was a gift from the gods. Perhaps that is how you will find yours -- as a gift from the gods.

I was lucky to have a somewhat flexible work situation and worked half days for nearly a year, then came home for lunches after that. That also gave the nanny time for a more peaceful lunch break -- time to eat and time to relax. Because as you surely know now, even the best caregivers can get stressed enough to have a bad day with the child, especially for the occasional 'inexplicably cranky beyond belief' day when the child is about to come down with a cold but you don't know it yet.

Now my boy is in a very good Montessori preschool. I have to admit that the other posts about the benefits of multiple care-providers are right. The worry is far less, knowing that -- if there's a supportive environment among the adults -- no one person can get to far out of line in how they talk to the kids or what they do with them. It's far less expensive than the nanny, though that wasn't actually an issue. The paperwork for employing a nanny is a nightmare too, with household employee tax forms to file and quarterly unemployment tax payments.

[rucky]

19. Use this website to run a background check:

www.zabasearch.com

[phylny]

20. This is freaky. n/t

[rbnyc]

21. Wow!

Thanks.

[Katherine Brengle]

22. I can't even imagine what this will be like...

My daughter is going to be two in April, and I've been here with her since she was born. I am terrified that she could be hurt if I leave her with someone I don't know...

However, the advice I have gotten in the past includes doing a background check (you can order them I think--you'll need the applicant/agency to give you the info needed), do extremely thorough interviews, and check ALL references--and check them meticulously.

Myself, I am hoping that I can just keep writing, work on my book and finish it this year, and do well enough that I don't have to take a job that requires me to be away from home...