biting and hitting, 16-month old

[rbnyc]

We do not believe in spanking or hitting, so if that's your recommendation, thanks anyway.

Our son bites and hits a lot and we're having a hard time teaching him not to do so.

He generally doesn't bite or hit other kids. He mostly bites and hits me. He bites almost anytime he has a chance, and he hits when I'm not doing exactly what he wants.

If he hits me with a toy, I or my husband will say No in a firm low voice and take the toy away. If he hits again, we'll say No and put him in his crib for a few minutes.

When he bites, we say No and if he keeps it up we withdraw physical contact for a few minutes, or put him in his crib for a few minutes.

It's not working.

Any ideas?

[purr]

1. I'm trying to remember from when my kids were around that age..

My 2 yr old who will be 3 in May still hits when she gets really mad at me.

I didnt exactly "HIT" her when she hit me - I took her hand and I pat it and said NO HIT. Didnt spank her either - I also put her in her room until she calmed down. A stern no usually worked for mine as well. They were never really biters - my 4 yr old tried it once and he noticed it didnt go anywhere. My neighbors son used to bite and draw blood at any opportunity he got. I'm not sure how they corrected it - but I remember him doing it while he was pre-kindergarden. He eventually outgrew it, but moved on to more 'adult' things since hes now 16 :)

ALSO - Did you ever try to 'ignore' it? When my 2 yr old starts throwing a fit and running around like a lunatic, I sometimes ignore it and she gets the picture. She will do something and watch for my response. I think shes acting out for more of my attention - she only started doing the attention fits after I had the baby in August.

Good luck :)

[rbnyc]

4. Thanks.

I usually igmore his tantrums. They never last long. He gets bored. But it's hard to ignore being cloccked in the head with baby's first cell phone. ;-)

After I posted, I thought about it, and we don't really have problems when he and I are alone togther. It mostly happens when daddy is here. I think he doesn't likeme paying attention to daddy.

[fight4my3sons]

8. We are having that problem with our three year old.

When my husband is home and we are trying to have a conversation my three year old will talk louder and louder, or do something he is not supposed to in an attempt to get our attention. I really think that he just can't understand why we would want to talk to each other when we have him there to play with and talk to! It is frustrating because we can't ignore some behaviors, like him hitting his younger brothers. Our twins could care less, they are in their own little world, unless they are hungry or thirsty.

[fight4my3sons]

2. We use a time-out mat

instead of putting them in their crib or room.
For the twins, who are 19 months I will put them there for 1 minute, but I have to be close by to make sure they stay there and I will not make any eye contact with them. I tell them "No hit. That hurts mommmy." and I sit him on the mat. When the minute has passed I give him a hug and kiss and tell him "Mommy loves you. Please do not hit." and off he goes.
For my older son, who is three, he goes to the mat and stays there for three minutes by himself. I take him to the mat and tell him "We do not hit in this house, it is not acceptable behavior. Hitting hurts." (He knows this as he has been told this for three years.) When time out is over I go to the mat, give him a hug and kiss, tell him I love him repeat the part about hitting not being accpetable and how it hurts others and off he goes.
It is basically the Supernanny's method. I don't watch the show regularly, but she has done a few shows with families that have multiples that I have watched and I did like the way that she used time out. She calls it the "Naughty mat." My husband and I don't spank or hit our children either. He has a past history of abuse and is very opposed to any kind physical punishment. I spanked maybe a few times as a child and don't see it as necessary. Time out has worked for us. You have to be really consistent with it though.
We haven't had a problem with biting, so I'm not sure what to tell you about that. My older son bit me once really hard that I got tears in my eyes. He never did it again.

[rbnyc]

3. I like that better than the crib.

We use the crib because it's safe and he can't get out, but I don't want him to learn that the crib is punishment. We usually say, "You're going to take a little rest and then we'll try to play again."

How early did you start them with the naughty mat?

[fight4my3sons]

5. We just started with them about two weeks ago.

They have really gottten rough with each other. I have heard about twins being agressive with one another, but I am not liking the behavior that I am seeing :-( You would think that identical twins would be nicer to each other. Maybe that is the problem, too much like each other. I think at this age the lack of language really frustrates them and the hitting and biting kicks in. My older son hit and threw temper tantrums from 18 -24 months and then when he turned 2 and started to talk his behavior improved greatly.

I liked the book "Happiest Toddler on the Block" even though I feel kind of stupid doing the stuff. It does work with my kids.

I just posted my first picture ever in your thread over in the lounge (it took me that long to fugure out how to do it). My twins are only three months older than your son.

[phylny]

6. In my work, I deal with a lot of toddlers

who bite or pinch or hit their moms and sometimes me!

Here's what I do. When a child bites me or hits me, I scream, and I mean scream, "OW!!." Then I say, in a very loud, firm voice - in their face with very strong, stern eye contact - "YOU DO NOT BITE/HIT ME!!!! It has to be dramatic, so they know you mean business, and that it hurts. Without waiting, I immediately put them in a corner or some other safe place and walk away, withdrawing my attention. If they follow me, I put them back, saying again, "You do not bite me."

Please understand, I'm not in the habit of screaming or yelling at the children I work with. This is why this is so effective - because they're generally shocked at the reaction. Keep up with this - don't let him think it's a game. If he continues to only bite you, and your reaction is not working, have your husband remove him so he knows that Daddy means business as well.

Now, way back when with my own children, if they persisted biting me, I'd put their own hand in their mouth and let them bite themselves. I wouldn't do this with a child who wasn't my own, and I wouldn't necessarily advocate it, but damn, it worked.

Good luck!

[rbnyc]

9. Thanks so much! (nt)

[MediumBrownDog]

7. My son doesn't hit, but he bites....

and fortunately, the biting is limited to my husband and me, usually when we're not doing what he wants us to do or are paying attention to something other than him (cooking, computer, on the phone, etc).

When Will bites, I say in a very firm and very LOUD voice "NO BITES. WE DO NOT BITE MOMMA." And then I immediately put him in his pack n play (which is in the main room with us) for a few minutes, and while putting him in, I repeat "we don't bite Momma!" While he is in the pack n play, I basically ignore him, which he hates. It works for us. The behavior comes in waves -- a few spells in the playpen and he doesn't bite for a few days, but then he forgets and we have to start over. It's gradually getting better overall, however. Our pediatrician said that however you deal with it, you have to be consistent.

Good luck!

[rbnyc]

10. Interesting that they only seem to bite us!

I'm glad he doesn' bite other kids, but it's very interesting, and I do thinj it's about attention.

[mzmolly]

11. Coupla things. Does he have a nuk or is he being weaned earlier

then he'd like? Additionally when kids are teething they may bite.

Generally biting means 1 of 2 things - early weaning or teeting. His biting is not an attempt to be "mean" he has a physical reason at 16 months IMHO. I would suggest if your trying to take the bottle or pacifier or boob away - delay it. If he's not biting due to teething, the biting should subside. ;)

Best wishes!

[rbnyc]

12. Thanks.

I had to wean him at 7 months so I could go on medicaation. We are trying to switch him from bottles to cups now. He's never liked using a pacifier. He does have back teeth coming in.

Perhaps we'll delay switching him off the bottle.

Thanks much!

[mzmolly]

13. No problem.

I hope the info is helpful.

Perhaps you can give try water at night if your concerned about teeth etc. ?

[fight4my3sons]

14. My twins just stopped using the bottle at 19 mos, Jan. 1st, 2006

They never took to the pacifier either. The twins were using a bottle before naptime and bedtime, but using sippy cup the rest of the day. Now they only use the cup, but before bed we give them warm milk in the cup. They transitioned easily.

My older son was off the bottle at 1 yr, but used a pacifier.

[wildeyed]

15. At 16 months, the only thing you can really do is say "NO!"

and redirect his attention. I use the same rules for toddlers that I do when I am training a new dog. First there is the 3 second rule. If I can't correct a behavior in 3 seconds, I don't bother. The dog (or toddler, lol) won't understand what I am correcting for if too much time passes. So immediate correction is necessary if you want it to be effective. For really heinous behavior, I also take the "alpha" position, which means putting my body in a dominate position, higher and somewhat over the offending being. I show my teeth and speak in a firm growly voice, "no bite! no bite! biting is OW!". For this to be effective, you must be quite dramatic and very firm. The child should be surprised and upset. I don't like to see my kids upset, but certain boundaries must be set, and this one is a biggie. Then I try to redirect attention to another, less frustrating activity.

I know it is weird to use dog training techniques with kids, but I started with my daughter just out of habit, and they seemed effective. Kids and dogs both like strong but fair leaders and have very short memories, I guess. :shrug:

Once they get older, asking them to use words, to try to express their frustration that way seems to help. My kids go to an experiential preschool where they are very into teaching kids to express feelings, and it seems to work. I hear my kids saying stuff like, "when you take my truck it makes me feel frustrated and sad!". But with little guys who are only barely verbal, that is a tall order.