I need some advice...my child was abused (long).

[CoffeeCat]

I really need some input from people who are objective and don't know me in real life. Thanks for listening. :)

Last December, three friends and I arranged to Christmas shop for a few hours. One of the friends
asked her "regular babysitter"--an 18-year old young woman--to watch the kids in her home.

I met the babysitter, liked her and talked with her briefly. Everything seemed fine. We went shopping for five hours,
returned and life resumed. However, something was very wrong.

My four-year old daughter was not the same. She was having nightmares. She had been fully potty trained, and now she
wet and soiled her pants several times daily. She was having frequent crying, screaming, rage episodes and she would
often hit herself in the head and scream, "You think I'm stupid! You think I'm stupid."

During the three weeks of this, I was exhausted, concerned, upset and boggled. During this time, she began to give us
clues, "I spit on the babysitter, mommy." I asked her why and she said, "Because she wanted me to take a nap and I didn't
want to take a nap." Unfortunately--I did not fully understand what had happened, but within a few weeks, the story
began to emerge from my daughter, "The babysitter hit me over and over again on the head," my daughter told me.

I wasn't sure what was going on.

I called one of the other moms. This mom told me that she had been using that babysitter regularly, and that
her children's behavior had changed. Her youngest daughter was terrified to be around her. I told her about my daughter
saying that she was hit. The mother began describing trauma in her own child, and I began to fear the worst.

Three weeks after my daughter had spent those hours with the babysitter, I went to my daughter and I said, "Honey...can you please
tell me what happened?" She began to divulge that she was repeatedly hit on the head, because she wouldn't take a nap. We
estimate, that she was hit on the head more than 50 times. The other child described being repeatedly hit on the head in the same
way. Both children said that they say each other being hit on the head. This babysitter also repeatedly screamed at my child that
she was "stupid" and "weird" as she was hitting her. She also told my child that she would, "Never grow up and be a good person.
You will always be a stupid child. Always!" My daughter said she spit on the babysitter (pretty courageous for a 4 year old, eh?)
and hit her back. My child said she told the babysitter that she was "telling my mommy" and the babysitter repeatedly hit her head and
screamed, "You'll NEVER be like your mother! She's nice and you're a stupid child and your mother will not listen to you!"

My child also told me that the babysitter "touched me down there with her fingernails and scratched where my bottom is." My child
also said that she saw the other little girl being hit repeatedly on the head and hurt "down there." "I saw her scream just like
me mommy." It was just heartbreaking to hear this.

I immediately reported this to the police. They took a statement and within a few days my child and the other child were
at the station, giving information. Both children told the police that this babysitter touched them inappropriately and hit
them. My child was groggy and not articulating herself the best. They asked if she could return in the morning when she was better
rested. I got a call that afternoon. They said that my daughter would not need to return. Her statement was fine. They
questioned the babysitter and she denied any abuse or even losing her temper.

The police recommended that we see a "play therapist" who might help both girls better articulate their feelings and the facts.
We repeatedly called the play therapist for two weeks. No phone calls returned. We hired our own therapist who specializes
in children who have been abused. We also requested that our children be seen by a physician to determine if there was any
physical evidence. To see the expert physician who is skilled at these types of victim exams, you need the permission of the police.
We could not get the police to grant us permission. Phone calls were not returned.

A few weeks after we reported this crime, the police officer called me to inform me that they would not pursue the case. Because both
children were young (4 years old), they would not be credible witnesses. I was astounded. The children's' therapist concluded that
both children had been traumatized and both reported to her that they had been physically abused and sexually abused. The police
didn't even allow our children to be physically examined. The police officer told me on the phone that she believed that the babysitter abused our
children, "but what I can prove and what I believe are two different things."

The DHS report stated that they were concerned about this babysitter and her behavior toward children. The report also indicated that both
children showed signs of trauma, after being with this babysitter. However, the final assessment said that the abuse was "unfounded." I
spoke with the DHS caseworker and she said that she believed both children were physically abused and inappropriately touched. She said that
the kids wouldn't be good witnesses, because of their ages, and that is why the case wasn't moving forward.

Furthermore, this babysitter worked at a daycare center before this incident. My friends who knew her better than I---have told me
that her goal was to run a daycare out of her home. She very well may be doing this now. I am terrified for other children. My
child only spent several hours with this babysitter and she emerged with PTSD. My daughter's preschool teachers saw immediate
changes in her that were so severe---they thought she was showing signs of autism. Her teachers said she was completely pulled inward
and fearful. Before, she had been outgoing, cheery and lively. They were incredibly concerned for her, and they were very supportive
when I informed them of the abuse that happened to her. As my daughter's therapy progressed both teachers saw positive, healing changes happen for her.

I put my own devastation on the back burner--to help my daughter since this happened. I squelched my emotions and outrage to
be there for her. My daughter continues to bring up this babysitter. She's still processing and I talk with her about it and let
her know that she is safe and loved. I allow her to talk, vent anger, express sorrow and feel anything she needs to. We even hit
pillows and scream---when she says she need to "get her 'angries' out."

Part of the reason that I had to compartmentalize my own pain and solely focus on my daughter--was because I was sexually abused as a child. Before
this happened, I thought I was doing EVERYTHING to prevent any harm from coming to my daughters. I was in therapy, learning
to trust people with my children and allow them to go on play dates. I was a paranoid mom. I never left them alone with a babysitter
or on a play date---until they first turned 4. I kept them pretty sheltered. I remember the first time I dropped them off for a play date.
I trusted the woman emphatically and I knew her for years. She was from my hometown. I cried the entire way home---thinking
that something terrible would happen to them. Then...several weeks later, I leave them with a female babysitter--a teenager. And this
happens.

I'm now emerging from being strong, stoic mommy--and I'm realizing that I am very angry, upset and mad at this entire situation. I think the
police handled it horribly. I think DHS---an agency responsible for keeping children safe--knowingly allowed a child abuser and molester
to remain unaccountable---and work with children in the future!

I am considering filing a civil suit against the babysitter. It's not about the money. It's about standing up for my child, and also letting
this person know that she IS responsible and that what she did was intolerable and horrible. I would like to ask a jury to reward us for
money spent on therapy, and I would also like this babysitter to write us out a check for $10 every month---so she is reminded that she did
not escape penalty. She needs to be reminded that her actions were noteworthy, and that she needs to get help for herself. I would like to
face her and tell her how she affected my child. I would like to face her and tell her that my child needed to believe that the babysitter
is in a faraway jail--across many oceans and vast deserts---and the key to the jail is locked in a box and only the police have a key. I need
to be an advocate for my child and to feel some sense of justice.

I worry that this babysitter is working at a daycare--or worse--running one out of her home where she is alone with children. I think our community needs
to understand that this person cannot be around children.

I would like to know opinions and thoughts about our situation. I would like to hear anything you have to say about our situation. I feel like I need some feedback
about filing the lawsuit--and also some opinions on how our local police handled the case. Like I said, I pretty much hyper focused on my daughter's well being. I had
to shelve my own feelings to help her. I think I did a pretty good job. She's so happy, so confident and she's starting kindergarten in the fall.

Now, I need to take care of myself and figure out what the next steps are. Thank you for reading/listening--if you got this far! Any opinions or thoughts on anything I've said....are most welcome.

Thanks so much.

[mopinko]

1. no good advice from me.

dynamite, fertilizer bombs, shotguns, all that kind of thing is all that comes to my mind. at least spray painting a warning on her house would be hard for me to resist.
my soft squishy liberal side wants to put my arms around this tortured person, and find a way to heal what must be an enormous hurt that is clearly at her core.
i feel for you. i don't know what to tell you. maybe if you can afford it, you could hire a private detective. maybe they can do things that the cops can't. maybe there is a way to bug her house. this kind of thing seems to work for the bush administration.
i would confidently tell you that a lawsuit will just keep you stewing in this acrid juice, except that your fears for other children are real. and i am the last person to tell someone to get past something, because i am terrible at it. i am a compulsive problem solver, and things much smaller than this have been known to give me ulcers.
you have confronted this to the best of your ability, and at least i can tell you that you did the right thing. be proud. don't beat yourself up. so many other people would have been frozen into inaction by their own demons. you weren't. you are a great mom.

[knowbody0]

2. having been through something similar with my tiny daughter

i do have advice i wish had been given to me:

so much of what little ones experience is measured by our reactions to it. like you, i was seething with rage and could not put it out of my thoughts. like you, my child's experience was deemed "inappropriate" but not punishable because of her age et al. the more you talk about it to her, the bigger it gets. you cannot erase it by any method, but you can shelve it and must. wait for her to talk if she needs to but do not continue asking. my daughter is now 19 and she is a powerful woman. at critical change times (puberty etc) and as they become more aware, the issue will again confront her and you will need to guide her through it.

i am so sorry this happened to her and i would like to execute the perverts on our planet. my woman child so amazed me with her own wisdom and the way in which she has handled tough times. believe in you daughter's strength and nurture that part of her. victim-hood can cripple them.

peace love and courage, sweet mother

i am kate

[mzteris]

3. where's the third friend

in all this? The one who originally suggested the girl?

I can't believe the police blew this off.

I can't believe that you weren't "allowed" to have your child examined.

I can't believe that DHS didn't investigate further.

Wait a minute - yeah I can.

(I'm not implying I don't believe you, btw - I'm saying I CAN"T BELIEVE THEY DIDN"T DO ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)


I don't know about a civil suit. Talk to a lawyer - you can do that free - and get their advice.

Talk to your daughter's therapist and see what she thinks.

Also - for your own sake - and your daughter's sake - YOU need to get back into therapy, too. This has raised the old spectre for you - no matter how well you may have dealt with it - AND you're feeling guilty on top of it all. Go talk to someone for yourself asap.

(And people wonder why I NEVER use babysitters. Ever.)

[phylny]

4. I don't wonder why you don't, I just can't imagine going through life

that way.

We used babysitters all the time, and our own daughters babysit now. I wouldn't be able to function in life if I thought every person was a threat to our children. We had some terrific babysitters, and the best was a high school boy who was so terrific with our girls that they adored him and requested him first. He's now a married man, and the father of an adorable baby girl.

We have three wonderful, well-adjusted, warm, teenaged/adult daughters. We managed to make sure they were safe, even through multiple babysitters in multiple states. It's wonderful to see our girls with children now - all three of them will be terrific mothers, if that's what they choose to do, and our parenting model and the babysitting experience that they've had will be the cornerstone of their abilities as parents.

I respect your decision to do what you do, but commented because so many of us (and our children) have had wonderful experiences with babysitters, and I wanted to let young parents who might be reading this thread to know that there are a very many good, kind, caring teens and adults out there who wouldn't dream of hurting any child.

[CoffeeCat]

5. I agree with everything you said...

I know I need to be in therapy because of this. I'm devastated, but because of my own abuse--I'm very skilled at tucking away negative feelings. I know I feel guilty. I know I'm hurt...and I know I need therapy. Thanks for saying those things.

Yes, I still can't believe that the entire system failed. I worry about other children. That's the central issue with regard to this perp walking free. She is probably running a daycare out of her home. The police know this, and still--they did nothing.

Maybe the police couldn't have found enough evidence to prosecute. However, DHS could have chosen to believe the girls (who told the same story, independent of one another), and filed a report that said the abuse was founded. Our girls told that they were touched/hurt in their private area. Both reported being hit repeatedly over the head and screamed at. They could have chosen to file a more accurate report that got her on a list of offenders--to protect other children.

You asked about "the other friend." Yes, this was her babysitter. I didn't bring all of this into the discussion, because it's another tragic tangent to the whole thing. Bottom line--this mother is not as plugged in as the other mothers who were involved. I thought I could trust her judgment, but I was wrong. After this incident, the first thing this mother said was, "Great. Who's going to babysit my kids this Tuesday?" If I hadn't been involved, the police would not have been called. I found out, after this incident--that this same mother had another babysitter (a male) who exposed himself to her children. She reprimanded the boy, but did not tell his parents or call the police. The boy still lives across the street and is around children all of the time.

Lessons learned.

[Quakerfriend]

6. Twosparkles, I'm so sorry. This is every mothers worst

nightmare.

I would hire a good lawyer. Since there are two of you who have had your children abused I believe you've got a case. I would also hire a private detective to find out where this girl is working. Your main goal is to prevent this from happening to anyone else. Call any employers and tell them of your experience.

I know it must be very hard. I will just share with you some experiences from within my own family. My sister, was a beautiful multi-talented teenager when she was raped by several guys on the football team at her high school. She never told anyone until years later.

Despite the trauma, she emerged to be an extraordinarily strong women. In fact, she is sort of the spiritual leader of the family. She is an enormously loving person. I believe that through trials and tribulation she has gained this unbelievable strength of character.

[Ms. Toad]

7. Call your local rape crisis center

I spent 10 years as a rape crisis center volunteer, including as a hospital advocate for rape survivors from age 2 months through 60+ years old.

In my state (and anything I comment on here is likely to be similar in your state - but check with a local rape crisis center), the police have no control over whether an exam is done. Survivors generally go directly to the hospital ER and it is the hospital that makes the decision about doing an exam (based generally on the description of the incident). The hospital is then mandated by law to call the police.

Given the length of time that had passed, it is understandable that you went to the police rather than the ER - and to some extent I can understand why the police would not be enthusiastic about a physical exam that would likely not generate anything that could be used for evidence (the basis on which the exam is paid for by the state). After 3 weeks, unless the incident caused a wound that would form a scar (which you almost certainly would have noticed at bath time) there is not likely to be anything that an exam would find. For a child that age (and even for an adult), a rape exam is pretty traumatic. Unless you have some indication that there has been a physical injury, I personally would avoid the exam. Note - this suggestion would be different if your daughter reported genital to genital contact, or oral to genital contact - in which case I would suggest checking for STDs. Also if you are noticing anything that might be the result of head trauma I'd take her to the ER - I suggest ER rather than doctor because individual doctors do not necessarily make the police reports ERs are generally required to make, which will leave you stuck with the bill.

The local rape crisis center will be able to help you understand your and your daughter's rights and will be able to help you sort through whether civil litigation would be helpful to you or not. There are pros and cons to civil litigation - it is a very individual decision.

If you haven't had a chance to talk through what happened to you, you may also find the RCC personally helpful. We got a lot of calls from folks who were raped or sexually abused years earlier who had never told anyone.

Good luck to you.

[Tab]

8. Two things to be looked at - two different tracks.

If it happens again, pay for a med exam - in the long run it'll be worth it.

That said, the police ignoring it is inexcusable. You are to be commended for still chasing it down, even in civil court, and to protect others.

The other critical thing you do is really work with your daughter. "Fortunately", and I know you may not agree with that term, this was an isolated incident, and with any luck you can get her to view it as such. It is NOT indicative of how your daughter is. In fact, your daughter should be told (1) that the babysitter has many problems and was a very bad babysitter, and what the babysitter said about you and made you feel is not true, and (2) as your mommy you are very sorry you hired that babysitter - you didn't know she would be like like and you will do everything possible to ever have another one be the same way, and (3) it's very important that you (the child) tell mommy if this ever happens again with anyone and you'll do what you can to fix it.

The second point - apologizing - is important because you don't want your child to lose her trust in you to keep her safe, but still to understand sometimes things happen, and althouh you can't fix them, you can do everything possible to make sure they never happen again. She needs to feel she is safe with you, and the decisions you make for her.

Altogether, though - heart wrenching. It's what none of us wants to go through. And, not to belittle the experience, but there are even worse things that can happen to kids in the space of a few hours, and I can't even go there.

Make sure your child knows that by telling you about the one time, you now have the power to keep that person away from them forever, and you will fix things like that as soon as you know they happen.

That last paragraph gave me a thought - try to get a restraining order on the babysitter. The babysitter has been accused of injuring the child, inflicting emotional and mental abuse, and there are other families who will testify to the same. Get them to seek an order too. It will not overly restrict the rights of movements of the babysitter, because you don't expect to see her again, but it will put it on record that there are issues with this person, and if she ever has to undergo a background check or whatever, this will come up. It will also help (I would think) to make opening up a day care center that much more difficult.

Best,

- t