Parents, any opinions about this situation?

[marions ghost]

My niece is 19 and a sophomore at a state college. She is a good student and has never been rebellious or difficult. Recently she told her parents that she was regularly riding on the back of her boyfriend's motorcycle. He is 21 but at a different school a couple of hours away. He has had a motorcycle for a few months. Her parents are not happy about this, but don't feel that they can stop her, as "she'll do it anyway." And although she has never been a problem to them, they are afraid she will stop telling them what she is doing if they make a fuss about this. They have told her that they are against it, but are leaning toward letting it be "her decision."

In a couple of years, my niece might be better able to make her own decisions about risky activities, but at this point, it's obvious she's just going along for the ride. Statistically speaking, 80% of reported motorcycle crashes result in injury or death vs. about 20% for autos. It is high-risk behavior, I think we'd all agree, comparable to extreme sports and such. My sister and her husband feel they don't know quite how to handle this as they do want to give her her "wings" (but not those kind of "wings"!) They are taken off guard, as this daughter has always been receptive to their advice and this seems very out of character.

Questions:

How would you react if this were your daughter?
Would you allow your daughter to take up risky activities at this age without intervention?
Would you point out how she is causing her whole family (including her older brother) to worry?
Would you risk losing your daughter's respect for interfering?
Would you "say your piece" and then let it go?
Would you say anything to the (longterm) boyfriend?
Is there a compromise here or not?
Would you just avert your eyes and pray?

Advice and opinions welcome. :scared:

[nosillies]

1. I remember when I rode a motorcycle once in college

I felt so guilty I've never done it again! My conscience eventually took over because my parents really worked hard to instill common sense and good values in me.

As parents, they have every right to say whatever they want. They can pull newspaper articles, lay on the guilt trip, lecture for days, whatever -- it's their right as her parents. I think parents lose their children's' respect for not caring and not showing enough love, not for not interfering!

But she's an adult and away from home, so the bottom line is she'll do whatever she wants. That's where the praying come in!

I thought about them buying her a helmet, but I really see this as more of enabling a bad behavior that they want to stop.

So there's my two cents!

[marions ghost]

2. thanks!

it's so hard to know how to give advice to a young adult at this transitional age. Feedback is tricky. You have to let them make some mistakes, but do you let them make big mistakes? In your response, you seem to be encouraging some parental involvement still...within limits. That seems wise I think.

I don't have a similar personal experience to draw from in my own past. When I was in college I just never told my parents anything that would upset them in the first place, but then I didn't do anything that would be called risky behavior much...maybe went a couple of places I shouldn't have been, but that was about it. Pretty tame stuff. If they had had a strong negative reaction to something, I would have listened to them I'm sure. I always wanted my Mom's opinion on everything--and often got my Dad's advice as well. I didn't always follow it but I always listened to it. My Dad says now (about the young niece, his granddaughter) that he would her cut off from any financial support as long as she rides the motorcycle. This might be enforced, since my niece really is not a good liar, but my sister is more inclined to persuasion than force.

I know you're right in saying that to a certain extent you have to trust that internal 'common sense' wins out as it did in your case.:thumbsup:

And yes, I agree that buying her a helmet might be seen as approval, so she should buy her own helmet.Helmets really just provide an illusion of safety anyway on a motorcycle. I knew a person who died when somebody sideswiped his motorcycle. His helmet didn't help him a bit. I'm sure they're better than nothing...but there's really a limit to safety on a cycle. "As long as you use precautions" is not a line her parents are taking with this, although it certainly applies to other risky behaviors.

Thanks for your (more than) 2 cents amybhole :)

[nosillies]

3. Good luck to them...

I worked with teens and young adults for quite a while. In my unscientific studies, I came to the conclusion that against all odds and beyond all reason, most of them survived and turned out ok! I think that's helped me keep a little of my sanity as I go through my journey as a mom.

[eyesroll]

5. I'd rather enable an unwanted, legal, behavior than let her go without a

helmet. It's akin to getting condoms for your teenager -- sure, you'd rather they'd wait, but then you think about yourself or your friends at 16 and you know that they're probably not going to, so you help them protect themselves.

(For the record -- my SO's whole family rides. His dad collects bikes. My SO'd ride himself if not for a car -- not a motorcycle-- accident years ago that made motorcycles difficult for him to ride, and even more risky for him if he falls or crashes.)

[eyesroll]

4. I'd state my case but ultimately let her be.

That's basically what my parents did with regard to me doing dangerous things (not that I did many -- I rode as a passenger on a motorcycle for the first time at 30).

She's an adult, and while motorcyles are inherently risky, they're also very popular and legal.

I'd buy her a helmet if she wasn't wearing one before. (The arguments people use against helmets when driving -- it restricts vision and hearing -- evaporate when you're a passenger.)

Realistically...how would they stop her? Does she live with them? You can't really ground a 19-year-old, and kicking her out won't keep her from doing so. They have to let it be her decision, because, at 19, it is her decision. She can get a license and ride herself if she wants, without any permission or input from Mom and Dad.

[marions ghost]

8. If this niece

had always had a burning desire to ride a motorcycle HERSELF, I would agree with you. You'd have to let her do it. But she is doing it only to go along with her boyfriend. She has never shown any interest in vehicles, speed, thrills, physical sports--any interest that you would think were precursors to wanting to ride a motorcycle. This is not her ambition. It is her boyfriend's, who has only had a license for a few months. She's doing it because she doesn't see anything at all wrong with it --because at that age, death is not perceived as a possibility. When you don't perceive your own death as a possibility, should you be allowed to "make your own decisions" free and clear?? (I guess this is why they can easily recruit this age group for soldiers). I tried to appeal to my niece's intelligence, rather than to project fears of her having accidents...the basic argument that "look at the statistics--this is NOT SMART." But of course the urge to please her boyfriend wins out over any argument.

OK, you can't physically stop a nineteen-year-old from doing anything she wants. I agree. But you can make your opinion very clear. You can ask her not to do it, and if she's not intent on making a big point about independence, you can hope that she might listen. This is where my sister and I seem to be differing. She says "you have to let her make her own decisions" but I say that when you see people you care about doing very dangerous things (alcohol, drugs come to mind), shouldn't you TRY at least by persuasion, especially at a time when the young person still comes to you for guidance (which she does all the time--she is not at odds with her family). My sister seems to be so traumatized that she's pushing this away and putting the sole responsibility on her daughter (praying she'll get over it soon). Would she think this way if her child were badly injured or killed? I worry about the damage to the rest of the family if anything happened, but my sister doesn't seem to get that. The parents (& possibly the brother) are the only ones who could have any real influence on this niece, but they are turning a blind eye, out of fear I suspect--MORE than out of intent to give her her freedom. She has always had plenty of freedom.

[bleedingheart]

6. as the parent who might have to tube feed my child after an accident

or bury her..I would basically state that I opposed her riding a motorcycle. If I am still paying for college, healthcare and a lot of other things...her rights as an individual are a bit compromised from a parental standpoint.

In the end, kids do what kids want to do at that age (she is an adult)...but she also must be made aware of what serious consequences there may be. If she is severely injured in an accident...who ends up "paying" for her freedom...???

[marions ghost]

7. good point

Who ends up paying for her 'freedom' if she is injured?

The odds of riders being injured or dying from a motorcycle accident are apparently about 3 in 100, as compared with about 3 in 1000 for sky-divers. This is not behavior that comes within normal levels of risk, despite its popularity.

Just this year at the same school that my niece's boyfriend goes to, a young man was tragically killed riding his motorcycle in town. He was not riding in any unsafe way. The driver whose car he didn't see and ran into was not charged. It was just "one of those things." And yet his obituary is enough to give any parent nightmares.

[rbnyc]

9. I tend to take a harm-reductionist approach.

Instead of focusing on trying to get her to discontinue the behavior, I would probably emphasize the importance of wearing proper gear, the importance of making sure her boyfriend is always sober when she gets on his bike, the importance of obeying speed limits and traffic laws, etc. And I'd make sure she understood the full extent of the risk she was taking.

My hope would be that she would limit her own behavior as a result of being fully informed...and at the very least, engage in the behavior as safely as possible.

[mzmolly]

10. I rode a motorcycle at 17,18,19 etc. As long as she wears a helmet, and

the person she rides with is "qualified" it's her choice.

[gollygee]

11. If she's 19, then it's her choice

I'd ask her to wear a helmet, for her safety and my sanity, and to please be careful to not let her boyfriend ride after he'd been drinking. But it's her choice at that point to ride on a motorcycle.