Help with adolescent boy and drugs

[RazzleCat]

Looking for advice and help. I am a single parent of one 15 year old son. Current history, wednesday I went out, came home from my date and the house was trashed, I mean a real mess and that got me pissed as I had spent a couple of hours getting it cleaned up. Well it was late (11:30) I was tired, the kid was asleep and I had a job interview in the morning so I just went to bed. Get up Thursday, get the kid up and out to school, and think about cleaning up the house, decided that I was not going to do it, he messed it up, he gets to pick it up. So I leave for my interview and come on back later in the afternoon, I decided to have some lunch and in order to eat I have to clean off the table, when what do I see, why is that a pot seed? I pick it up look closer and yep it sure looks like one, so I start to really look at the table top, and I can find what appears to be "flake and seeds", not a whole lot, but enough to get me in gear. This to me is grounds to search my kids room. (aside here, I have always told him that his room is his space, but if I ever feel he is doing harm to himself or could harm someone else, consider your room mine, I will search it.) Well it only took about 3 minutes to find the stash, not much just one lighter about a tablespoon of pot and a small pipe. So now I was freaked, my kid is doing drugs, this is the last thing he needs, he already is a lousy student, and has other issues. So I collect up the evidence and place it on the table and wait for the bus to deliver him. He arrives home, and I asked him to sit down at the table, well of course he see's his stash and knows the jigs up. First words out of his mouth were "you searched my room!", I answered, you left seeds on the dinning room table, I believe I had plenty of incentive to do so. In any event somehow we did not get into a screaming match (my main goal), and of course he told me he was just "holding it for a friend", I told him that I did not believe him, and then said, that he needed to clean up the house and that we would have a "real talk" later. Well I was "numb" over the whole situation, and worried that if I started yet another "talk" that no real communication would take place, that as upset as I was and defensive as he was it would just escalate to a stupid argument that are so easy to fall into with 15 year olds. So I let it lay and saw him off to school on friday. Well as I am unemployed I decided to do a "real search" of his room, let me tell you he had no other drugs in their, or even paraphernalia, I even did the worst, I went and read all his school papers, the notes he gets from his girlfriend, the stuff he jots down in his notebooks etc. I also tossed his computer (I do have cyber sitter on it, and he know it), but to be safe I crawled about the registry to look for hints, and I went up and visited all the my space sites he goes to as well as his my space site (all items I had never done prior to this event). Well good news, no signs of drugs, on his site or in his room, notes from his girlfriend et al. Well he arrives home friday and I tell him good news, your room is clean kid, he responded with PHEW, I would have totally freaked out if you found anything mom, I swear, its not mine. I told him that we still need to have "the talk" and wish him well. With that he grabbed his stuff and left for the weekend. Oh yeah, he had plans to leave for the weekend for a while, he is going out with one of my past boyfriends to scout out an area to hunt in, I know that their will be no drugs involved with this guy, he is a fundy cop (long story, on how I ended up dating a fundy republican cop). So I can rest assured that no type of drug activity including chatting with friends will take place. So after that endless preamble here is my question, what do I say when we sit down on sunday? As far as drugs go I have told him, that I assume that as some point he will end up trying it, and if he is lucky I won't catch him because their will be consequences. My current honey stopped by on friday afternoon and I told him the whole story, he has 4 kids, 3 of which got involved with drugs, he gave me some advice, mostly along the lines of don't go off on a screaming match with him stay calm and lay out some consequences that will hurt, items such as, gee if you ever expect to drive (remember 15 just 7 months from being 16), I better not find this again, he also recommended that I keep my eyes open for any changes in his behavior and be ready to "pounce" on it. Now on to his behavior, well, in just the last couple of weeks he has taken to running out after dinner to go visit friends at the park, this is a new one, he also has added a fan to his room (new) and I noticed that my air freshener is missing. So I think all of this is related, in the sense that he is most likely going over the the park to catch a buzz (this park has a rep for being where the stoner's hang, and my back yard backs into it), the fan and air freshener are pretty self evident. So I think I may have caught him at the beginning of his drug use. So the advice I am looking for is what now? I have to be honest and say that I don't think Pot is the worst thing ever, but on the other hand if he keeps on using his bad grades will get worse, if he gets busted he will be ineligible for any federal student aid, or military service as a way to pay for college, this can have consequences that will dog him his entire life. So how do I pound that in his head?

[mopinko]

1. let me know if you figure this out

i have a 15 year old son as well. he has always been a tough kid. got that "crunchy crabshell" personality. does not like to be told what to do. period. he was born that way, he was that way as a little kid.
i presume he has smoked, but i have never caught him. this would be the least of my worries about him, tho, as i wonder if it might not do him some good. soften his edges a little.
but he is a very bright kid, high test scores, atrocious grades. kind nudging him toward getting some therapy. but that is a tough one, too.
breaks my heart. but i do feel that he will be okay, once he gets through school. it just does not fit some kids, and he is one of them.

[RazzleCat]

2. no answer yet

had the "talk" on Monday. Mostly just said what I wrote down. You need an education, you loose options if you get involved with drugs. Reminded him that I will not support him after high school if he decides to just "hang out", he will have to move out. I did toss in an incentive for him, 1952 pick up I have in the drive way. Told him that if the "tude" he blows at me all the time lightens up, and I don't find more drugs, its his, he would have to pay the insurance, and it needs some work, but its a pretty cool ride. He seemed interested, so this weekend we pull the starter and see if we can get it to crank. My honey has the idea that if he gets involved with the truck he will A, have something to do, B, become invested in it and take better care of it, and C, its a pretty big bribe to dangle out in front of him to get his act together. I had been working on it getting it ready for sale, so I tossed in, I find drugs, it's e-bay for "your ride". As to his grades, I once again told him, he only needs to get C's, that I know he is capable of A and B's but all I am asking is to be average, or as we call it, swim with the pack. We will see what happens. Oh I did ground him, and pull the cell phone for a week on the general principal that he knew better than to do that, all in all not a huge punishment, more of a get it together lecture.