How do you know if you're a good parent?

[CoffeeCat]

I was wondering...how do you gauge your success as a parent?

How do you know if you're doing a good job?

I feel like I try so hard, but sometimes I feel that it's never enough.
I have two girls--ages 6 and 7. I love them so much, and I come from
a horrendously dysfunctional family, so I have no positive parenting models.

My children are so important to me, and I just want to be a great parent. I know
sometimes when I make mistakes, I take it so hard.

Sometimes I don't know how well I'm doing.

How do you measure YOUR success as a parent?

[knowbody0]

1. mine are grown now

they are all NICE people and love one another. I came from dysfunction as well, so basically I relied on instinct, vowing as a child I would never do the things done to me.

My advice? Love them, have loads of fun, but always make them accountable for the consequences of their actions.

[wildeyed]

2. I know what you mean.

I check in with friends, ask them for opinions. Doesn't necessarily mean I will do what they say, but if I am way off base on something, they might check me. I also watch what other mothers I admire are doing. I tend to be over protective and hover a little too much. I watch this other mother that I admire in my neighborhood. If she lets her kids do something, I usually grit my teeth and let my kids go along.

I also try not to project my childhood pain and failures on my kids. I try to process my own issues as they come up. A few moms I know tend to overreact in the opposite direction when they have issues. For example, if they were over-disciplined as kids, they raise kids with no discipline or boundaries because it seems more loving to them. I am trying to be commonsense and take a middle road when possible.

Other than that, I say I love them a lot. I show up. I try to be a better person so I can also be a better parent, which also means taking some time for myself. And when I fail, I try harder next time. No such thing as perfect parenting, only good enough parenting.

I dunno, I am probably making tons of mistakes, but I figure that at some point they will be responsible for their own selves. There is no such thing as a pain-free childhood, no matter how much we want to protect them.

[Sabriel]

3. If this will make you feel any better...

I think I came from fairly good role models of parenting, and I STILL suck! Most of the time, I feel totally inadequate.

I agree with the previous poster: love them unconditionally, instill respect and understanding, be consistent but not unyielding.

And think about looking at this article (warning, it's a PDF). It made me think differently about what I do and what was done to me:

http://www.youthbuild.org/atf/cf/%7B22B5F680-2AF9-4ED2-B948-40C4B32E6198%7D/Bell_UnderstandingAdultism.pdf

[katsy]

4. I've come back to this post maybe 5 or 6 times and have been unable to put

my thoughts into anything coherent. Not that any has changed now.

My children are 6 year old twins and I can relate to not having a positive role model for a mom... but my dad was wonderful. Neither parent used their hands except to be helpful or huggy.

Your question made me wonder why I hadn't asked myself something along those lines before having children.

I don't know how to measure my successes as a parent (if there are any). If I had to try to measure success, laughter and hugs and kisses lead the way at this young age.

When they were very young, we impressed upon them that they will never get punished for telling the truth and that our hands are loving. That has been our best committment to peace in my family so far. When they tell the truth it opens dialog for a better understanding of the world around them. It just works for us. But then again... who knows how the teenage years will go.

I do know when I fail. It's like a slap in the face and then it's never repeated... ever. It happened once when I yelled really loudly - I mean wailed when the twins were in a tag-team torture mom kinda mood. I'm not a screamer yet I failed myself that day. A huge "get out of this room" wail. What a dumb thing to do coming from someone who values dialog, eh?

Today I was thinking about how important privacy was to me growing up. The privacy of my own thoughts and place to be myself. This will be their next step I'm sure. I'm just selfish enough to let them go at their own speed (as opposed to my own timeline) which in turn gives me my space back. Does that make sense to you?

I was selfish enough to let them use knives to cut their food at age 2+ because they thought they could and I wouldn't have to do it.

I was selfish enough to let them get their own Cheerie'Os at age 3+ so I could sleep later.

I'm selfish enough to let them explore my "stuff" because it makes me get rid of what I don't want on the spot instead of starting a big spring cleaning production.

I'm selfish enough to let them take their own showers because they insisted they could handle it.

I'm selfish enough to let them paint my walls because their art pleases me and I'm not territorial except for my home office.

I'm selfish enough to look away from the mess they sometimes make because I don't care to clean it (oh dad!). Seriously, I may suggest they clean their room, but they won't until they loose their favorite toy, which is fine by me.

I'm selfish enough to believe them when they say they're ready to sort their own clothes for the laundry, or wash the kitchen floor or whatever... because I don't want to. I use natural oils with water and they couldn't drink enough of it to get sick. A little pure, organic grapefruit extract goes a long way. They smell better too. They break eggs & beat them for breakfast omelets (I supervise the stove always) and other wierd food too. Hey, if they like it and it's organic who am I to interfere? If they want to do it, my job is to make the activity safe, not deny their experiments.

I'm selfish enough to be a mommy when they want me and to stand back and let them succeed their own accomplishments. Hell if I always nag them about what to do, how will they ever know how to handle themselves? I'm there for questions or comfort & love should they need me.

I'm selfish enough not to allow teevee because it gets on my nerves (never saw idol, seinfeld or anything), but I play with them when I want. I chose chess and video games. They both play well for their age. Hubby reads books with them and does math stuff. Love it when they play alone and they love playing piano. They never "want" stuff from commercials because I put my foot down long ago about teevee. No exceptions. They like our clothes though.

I'm selfish enough never to walk a stupid mall but can relate to their excitement at going to the local science center and the beach/pool. They've only been to a mall twice and once they were too young to remember. We visit the library at least 3 or 4 times a week. Malls - no. We buy from small, local shops where people know our name.

Someday, one of them is going to write their own "Mommy Dearest" book I suspect. Mommy never taught us to use clothes hangers! The video game playing unMommy! Who was that masked woman hiding from us when we were washing floors and walls? HA HA.

:rofl:

[GreenEyedLefty]

5. I'm content with being merely good enough

I have 3 kids, ages 16, 7 and almost 4. Kids are amazingly forgiving of our screw-ups, but an apology for being in the wrong goes a long way. It's okay to admit you're wrong. :)

[tigereye]

6. be kind, be fair, be firm, be consistent

Be happy. :)



BY my son's politeness and kindness to others, by the wonderfully astute questions he has learned to ask, and the bit of attitude he gives us at home.

[Ellen Forradalom]

7. Do we have the same son?

because that describes mine, too.

[avrdream]

8. I measure it by their smiles.

They seem happy.

I hope I have done the right thing by them but have no clue how to measure it. Maybe you don't really find out until they are grown adults and you see that they haven't had to end up on a psychiatrist's couch somewhere, trying to work through all the emotional conflict you gave them. I don't know, but I know my kids smile a lot. They laugh and they hug. They kiss me frequently and tell me how much they love me (more than all the stars in the sky, books in all the libraries in the world, sand on the beach and so forth).

For me, that's enough....and it makes me believe that I'm successful as a parent.

I hope that answered it for you.

[mopinko]

9. you will not know until they are grown.

but one thing i count- how do they spend their time? are they happily in charge of themselves? or are they driven to do something empty? are they the actors or the audiience?

if you have a teenager that doesn't blame you for every evil of the world, you are really good.

but even with it all, some great parents end up with really troubled kids because of the genetic roll of the dice. i guess you have to find a way to both congratulate and forgive yourself.