anyone here have a college kid living at home?

[ourbluenation]

and do you wanna drive to timbuktoo and never come back?

thx in advance

[knowbody0]

1. Yeah, I moved to

Timfuckingbucktoo, and they still followed me. Right now I am looking at the possibility of sheltering another one of them through their most recent storm. Eventually, they leave. I love them unconditionally, but often that means giving them the bottom of my boot. (the more you help them too often means the more you hurt them)

Basically you need a new agreement about house rules spelled out and enforced. my kids became very kool adults that I enjoy VISITING with.

good luck

[tigereye]

2. no, but I know many people who do

It's difficult territory with lots of independence/dependence/rules stuff.

I feel for you, it's not like when I left home for college and only returned for one summer!

[Duppers]

3. oh, honey, mine's home just for the summer

and I want to throw him out NOW.

I really need some advice badly and quickly, if anyone wants to pm me.

thanks.

[Duppers]

4. p.s. I do really need help

He's a gifted genius without a shed of self-respect, it seems.

His g.f. of three yrs. has been cheating on him and just told him that in order for them to continue the relationship, he had to agree to threesomes....and she's bi-sexual. He had not known that upfront. This could perhaps be an amoral male's dream?
But he's so terribly hurt, yet is willing to go along with it just to keep this lying slut.

(Shit, this sounds like some stupid, cheap soap opera, even to me.)

He had planned to marry her when they graduate next year and still wants to propose after learning all of this!!! Where's his self-respect, his boundaries??

I just discovered this last night when reading his emails. (He saved his password on my computer!--not so genius, uh!)

I now hate this girl, but what can a mother do??? If I sent these emails to her parents, they'll flip and jerk her out of that university. Then my son will hate me for sure.

(If I'm seem a bit short and flippant here, it's because I'm drinking, I'm so upset.)

What can I do, except make an appt. this coming Monday with a shrink for all of us?

He's out-of-town right now visiting her, and when he called tonight, I could not even speak to him, I'm so livid. He's coming back tomorrow night (Sunday night) and I don't know what to say to him. My husband pulled off some good lies to cover, but I don't want to do that.

Btw, his dad want to kill the slut (figure of speech), but did not discuss anything on the phone.

Help.

[Duppers]

5. --this is about fidelity and honesty

not her sexuality.

[Dora]

6. Has he asked you for help?

If not, I suggest - hard as it may be - that you restrain yourself from becoming involved.

You read his e-mail. Your adult son's private e-mail, you read it without invitation. You now know personal emotional business of your son's that he did not willingly tell you on his own. Not only that, you expect your son to take some kind of "action" on the basis of what you learned surreptitiously.

I find this far more disturbing than what your son is experiencing. What he's going through is a rite of passage - finding the right relationship, ending the wrong ones.

What you're going through is of your own making.

[trotsky]

7. Well said, Dora.

I'm sure that as a parent seeing one's child suffer through the ups and downs of relationships is one of the hardest things. My oldest is just finishing 2nd grade so I've got a little time before that. But you are right, reading his e-mail and invading his privacy is terrible.

No offense to you, Duppers, but as much as it hurts, you'll have to butt out.

[Duppers]

13. no offense taken

Please read my latest post. thanks.

[Duppers]

12. yes, in a way

He did (past tense). Last Sept. I found him curled in a ball crying his heart out and I ever so gently asked him for over an hr. what was wrong and he confessed and told me that he could not go along with her orgies (yes, orgies.)

Then after many weeks of talking with her, he told me that she would indeed respect his boundaries, but my recent snooping tells me that she's dragging him along. I've now found out that he's buying her expensive S&M sex toys online. And we pay for his education costs!! I also found that she's joined an online S&M club and has posted nude pics of herself and is making contacts for a meet-up. That has rattle my cage, but good!

Folks, I just worrying about the psychological damage she may be doing to him and more so, I'm worried about his self-esteem for feeling so needy that he'd go along with this crap. Btw, she's an intelligent college junior, majoring in chemistry, and drop dead gorgeous. They been dating since their junior yr in HS. She has shown so little respect for us in the past and I'm sure that factoring into my concern.

I'm so sorry for hijacking a good thread here with all my junk, but thanks for listening and responding, folks. I've taken no offense at your mind-my-own-business advice, which is what I should be doing. I'm not discussing this with him any more at all. He wants me and his dad to think everything peachy NOW, so we're going along with it. Right now he seems happy--and his being happy is ALL I want. But I am still so concerned about his future happiness. I want someone to tell me that he'll come to his senses and leave this relationship. I want to be close to my son and my (future) daughter-in-law and I don't feel I can be with this person.

Oh, I should add that yrs ago, hubby and I were friends with a couple who got into 'swapping.' We left that friendship because we couldn't handle this alternative life style. I learned through mutual friends that they divorced 5 yrs. later. I sincerely don't think that such relationships can last long term and I don't want my son going thru such pain.

And I must emphasize again, it's not her sexuality preferences, it's her sexual life style.

Oh, the woe, pain, (and joy) of parenting. I think I care too much. I have to back off and let him make his mistakes and grow up. I had a 'don't complain to me and suck it up' mother who cared little about my pain and I don't want to be her, but I'm probably overly compensating, uh?!

Thanks again for listening.

[Duppers]

14. and importantly

Since my son plans to marry this person, I must state this important point:


True love does not manifest itself in a cluster-fuck!


Anyone disagree?

[soleft]

8. Where are HIS boundaries?

Like some of the other commenters, I empathize with the situation of having to see your son go thru this pain. But please set a good example for him and respect his privacy.

[silverlib]

9. Down the street

in an apartment. She moved in and has a roommate, working managing an ice cream shop this summer. She just had eight piercings on each side of her abdomen with black and red ribbon laced through the rings. She has been in sooo much pain. I can't look at them and won't. I'm worried about her health. This cannot be good. She told me tonight that all her life she has been told she can do what she wants when she turns eighteen, so she wasn't expecting all the fuss from all the relatives. I explained that she can and did do what she wanted, but no one ever told her we had to back up her decisions.

So, there's my story. I spent her whole life trying to keep her from having pain and now she has paid someone to put her through this. It makes no sense and it breaks my heart.

She's going backpacking in Europe this next December, staying in hostels. Anyone have any knowledge or expertise in this area?

[Dora]

10. Oh. My. How is she healing?

It must be hard to see your daughter in pain - even though she paid to do it. Please don't let it break your heart. Piercings will heal - and close up if she removes them. That piercing was probably very expensive, so I imagine she might be reluctant to take it out.

It sounds like a very dramatic piercing - and it's not something that I would have the nerve to do. Instead of allowing this to break your heart, could you find a way to admire the courage it took for your daughter to do this? Even though it seems like a crazy, irrational act to you, it still took a lot of guts and perseverance for her to do it.

A gentle but thorough cleansing with antibiotic soap 2x a day is essential. Her (clean) fingertips, cotton balls, gauze pads, q-tips are all good for cleaning. Bathroom towels and washcloths can harbor bacteria, dust, and other ickies. Wash with antibacterial cleanser, rinse thoroughly, and pat dry with paper towels or gauze pads. An infected piercing can get ugly fast. With hers located on the abdomen it's more likely to be chafed by clothing, causing more irritation to the wound. It is not necessary to "rotate" the jewelry in a new piercing. If the jewelry seems "stuck," she shouldn't force it. Just keep it clean, removing any visible crusting material (crusting doesn't necessarily mean infection), and if it doesn't loosen up in a couple of days, try a sea salt soak. (not table salt).

Take heart. My dearest, wisest friend has tattoos and piercings - and she's successful in her field, owns her own home, is loved by friends and her community, and she's not even 40 yet. There's more to a woman than the number of holes on her body - whether bestowed by nature or a piercer's needle.

:hug:

[silverlib]

11. Thank you - I needed that...

She is now off the pain meds (naproxen). I made her an offer - told her if she would take them out, I would reimburse her for the expense, as I felt like you - that she would be hesitant to remove them because of her investment. She refused the offer. I call her every morning at 10:30 to make sure she is okay. She says she was told that these heal quicker than other piercings, two weeks compared to four to six. With these, she now has twenty-five - four in her lower abdominal hip area, belly button, ear piercings. She pointed out to me that none of them show with the exception of the ears and nose, which she can easily remove as appropriate. She says no more. I'm more worried about health issues, but there is something else. I feel she is trying to learn good lessons in life through somewhat dangerous and painful experience and that horrifies me. There are too many great lessons we learn through good experiences.

Thanks so much for your guidance with piercings and especially the encouraging words.

[blondie58]

15. yep, but my oldest just moved in with her half sister

who is 34 and in the midst of a divorce. I really think that is God's plan to make 'those little birdies' so obnoxious that you can't wait to nudge them out of the nest. LOl! That is tough, as they feel that they are all grown up and know it all and don't have to do anything. Mine was informed that if she stayed any longer (she was 21) that I would collect rent, either cash or through chores.

Good luck!