I am so upset.

[Chalco]

I frankly don't know how to deal with this.

My 14 year old daughter and I went to Florida a couple of weeks ago for a family gathering. During the weekend I allowed her to visit a boy (who is 18) she had known from here who now lived there. She had only known him for a couple of months in a club at high school. She 9th grade, he 12th. I talked with the mother of the boy and told her that my rule was that she could not be alone with a boy and the mother said that she had the same rule and that she would monitor them at all times.

The night before I had a long discussion with my daughter about boys, sex, etc during which she said to me why was I going into this, this boy was a really nice boy and good grief.

Anyway...I thought I had dodged a bullet by getting the mother's word, etc.

Afterwards, my daughter seemed the same, blah blah.

Then yesterday, I decided to check things out further and did the awful deed of reading her diary.

THE MOTHER DID NOT KEEP HER WORD.

She let them be alone in his bedroom. As soon as they were alone he started kissing her and took off his pants. My daugher used words like "french kiss" and "hard on". (Where did she learn those? She has never been with a boy before, we control her movies, books.) I wont go into detail but it was very graphic, I had to stop reading I became so upset, hyperventilating. I don't know if they went all the way, I don't think so, I saw things like the mother came in, but frenkly I was unable to keep reading. My daughter obviously enjoyed whatever happened. (This was upsetting in itself, because if it had been me at the same age I would have freaked.)

I will be visiting a friend this afternoon who is a shrink and will talk with her about this.

I am angry, depressed, can't think. Yesterday was her birthday (15) and I could barely get out the words "Happy Birthday." Both she and my husband noticed my relatively flat affect and asked about it because on her birthday I'm usually the life of the party.

I have no words with which to begin a conversation about this. I haven't told my husband because I need to find the words to even tell him.

My daughter makes good grades, has good friends and has never been on a date, has never been to a boy/girl party. She has a good heart.

What the f--- am I to do?

[abelenkpe]

1. yikes

Don't say anything until you have spoken with your counselor.
You are right to be upset that the other mother did not keep her work. but don't be too hard on her, teenagers are pretty slippery.
Your daughter is going to be very upset to know you read her diary and do not trust her.
Your husband is going to be upset too.
But teenagers are interested in sex, and frequently do engage in sexual activity. They need to be educated about safe sex, so I hope you have that conversation with her and schedule an appointment for her with a ob/gyn. She needs birth control and to know how to avoid sexually transmitted diseases. She should also be encouraged to abstain. Ideally, sex should be reserved for those in love.
She's getting good grades, as long as she continues to do so, and the two of you can restore your ability to openly talk to one another and trust one another everything will be OK.
I'd rather have this problem than deal with teenage addiction and drug use.
I hope you can work this out. I totally understand why you are upset. Good luck!

[Chalco]

2. Thanks

I am angry at the mother. She let them be in his bedroom with the door shut! I feel so horrified by this.

Should I tell my daughter I went through her diary? Or should I enter this discussion some other way? Should I call that mother and scream at her? The boy is 18!

You can tell I'm getting angry. I vascillate between extreme depression and anger.

[Chalco]

9. Just had the "talk" with my kid.

Hi, waited until after Christmas to have the "talk" with my kid.

She was amazing. I approached it by going to her public website where she had written Rape is Imminent over a drawing and asked her what that was. She said that some dude asked her to draw it. So then I scrolled down the page and pointed out that she had said Happy Birthday (name) down below which was the same name as the boy she visited. She said oh that's a different boy, not him. So who is this guy who asked you to do this. She didn't know. Just some guy on the internet. So I said the following:

"Honey, let me tell you how this comes across to me. When you say Rape is Imminent you are communicating that if some guy meets you they can do whatever they want with you. Let's talk about this stranger first. You don't know this guy. A guy who can get some unsuspecting girl to do this will think that she is so vulnerable that he could keep thinking about you and find you and hurt you. That's what pedophiles do. Next, let's just imagine that (boy in Fla) saw this...he would think also that as soon as he saw you and got you alone it was ok to try to have sex with you and that wouldn't be love. (She started crying and I started crying.) There's more but I'm so overwhelmed with feeling I'm having trouble thinking. Ok, here's another thing, if any college counselor or employer saw this they would think you are crazy which you're not but they wouldn't hire you and might not let you into their college. (She acknowledged that we'd talked about that before about another posting she'd made.) I know there's supposed to be freedom of speech but there isn't and there can be unintended consequences. I'm so afraid for you honey, I'm afraid for your safety. I know you are interested in boys and are trying to figure out how to be with them but this is not the way to find love. I want us to be able to talk about these things more. One more thing, because this is the second time something like this has happened I'm going to have to monitor you more closely so I'm going to have to check up on your computer more and make sure you are keeping yourself safe."

She and I hugged and she thanked me and said she agreed completely.

[abelenkpe]

10. Excellent job!

I think you did a fantastic job talking to her and were wise to hold off having the conversation until you has the time to think it through. I'd say your daughter is one lucky kid!

Here's hoping 2008 is a better year bringing you and all your loved ones closer together. peace.

[Chalco]

11. Thank you again.

I waited and waited and kept thinking about how vulnerable and confused she must be and came at it with a feeling of concern instead of the gigantic anger I'd had at the beginning. It brought us very close. I can't tell you how relieved I am!

[LynzM]

3. Ok, take some deep breaths.

First, you talk about how angry you are that she even knows these words - does she go to school? Kids talk. Yeah, you may limit her tv and books, but if she has peers, these things *will* be talked about. At least where I grew up, being a freshman in h.s. and having *some* amount of exposure to sexual things, maybe not actual full-on intercourse, is normal.

Second, bear in mind that your daughter may not be able to take your worry and concern to heart once she finds out that you read her diary. You've violated her private and secure space, and you need to talk to your counselor about that. It seems that you don't trust her to talk to you about her experiences or problems, so she talked to her diary, and now you've gone into that space. Be very careful about how, if you choose to address this, you do so. Otherwise, you might alienate her for a long, long time. I say this knowing friends who have had this experience, not to be harsh to you.

Third, you say that you're upsetting because she had a different reaction than you would have had at her age. She is a different person, and has had different experiences. Can you talk to your counselor about what it is that is upsetting or fearful to you about this? Are you worried about physical or emotional harm to her? Are you worried about her being abused? Becoming pregnant?

I'm sorry if this comes across as really harsh, and I don't mean it that way. I just think you should look for some outside guidance before you talk to your daughter. Try to keep it in your own mind as talking to her, out of concern, rather than confronting her out of anger, where you might risk alienating her, and damaging your relationship with her. :hug: It sucks that the other mother didn't keep her word.

[Chalco]

4. Thanks.

Yes, I agree with all of the above, however, I left out some information that may explain why I went into her diary.

She has a web page on a certain site that she posts drawings and stuff she's thinking. I looked into the diary because on the website she had posted a drawing (which was rather benign) but which was addressed to her "friend" and said "Rape is imminent" and it was dated before she saw him. So I went into the diary to see what was going on. I felt I had a serious situation and that I had to intervene.

I just got back from my friend who happens to be a therapist (we always help each other out). She sees lots of teenagers and helped me get a grip on myself. So I'm feeling much better. Since my daughter put this drawing on a public website my friend advised me to do the following: Tell her that I saw the drawing on the website and ask her what she was trying to communicate with the words. Then, talk about what it communicated to me which was that anyone could see that, find her, and do her harm. We have had conversations about how to make decisions about her body and self(including pregnancy and diseases). Her putting that message up in a public place has shown me that she can't be trusted to keep herself safe and so until she can be trusted her computer use will be monitored and we will discuss anything she puts out there. Secondly, she suggested that when she says that "Oh, the boy wouldn't do anything bad to me" talk about the fact that he's 18 and should be hanging out with 18 year olds, not 14 year olds and that she should be hanging out with kids her age as well. (All her friends are her age.) Also, the fact that employers and colleges are now coming the internet before hiring/accepting someone and if they saw the Rape is Imminent thing they would think she was crazy (which she is not.) My friend thought that my daughter must be acting out some lack of comfort with herself, her body, etc and so got into some inappropriate behavior.

I may not be saying this well, but I think my friend was onto something. She also was disturbed about my going into the diary until I told her about the Rape is Imminent comment. I have decided not to tell my daughter about the diary but to approach it from the safety and protecting one's self and body from harm point of view given that the interaction resulted in fondling only.

Does this make sense?

[LynzM]

5. Yes, that absolutely makes sense.

Again, I'm sorry it may have come across harshly before... I can definitely see why the "rape is imminent" thing would freak a momma the heck out, and why an 18-year-old hanging unsupervised with a 14-year-old is pretty uncool. I'm glad you were able to talk with your friend and come up with a good approach for talking to your daughter. I hope that she can take your concerns to heart and learn a couple of important lessons, here. :hug:

[Chalco]

6. Yes, you might have been harsh, but that's ok. It helps

to have feedback.

I keep thinking and am feeling that the underlying issue here is that my daughter is confused and needs her mom to help her out. So I'm mulling over how to approach her on this so that she doesn't get defensive and entrenched in a non-productive position.

[Tumbulu]

7. I thought about your post all night

I read it and overreacted myself. I was going to suggest that you call the police- I mean isn't that statutory rape? And why are the parents let off for lying to you. So, you see how hot tempered I am about this subject? Anyway, I am glad that you are getting better advice than mine.

I just wanted to say good luck and best wishes through it all.

[Chalco]

8. Thank you. That means a lot.

Yes, I certainly thought about calling the police and/or calling the mother and screaming at her but my friend, the therapist, said that if I called the mother I would be taking responsibility instead of my daughter taking responsibility, looking at her thinking and motivations, and making changes in her behavior.

We didn't discuss the police. I'm not sure it went far enough for that. But I did check into the statutory rape guidelines for Florida and the age difference qualifies, I don't know if the act itself does. But when I discuss this whole thing with my daughter I will bring this stuff up.

My thinking is that the reason the law is in effect is that when there is such an age gap at that particular age one of them (the younger) is assumed to not have the judgment capacity to make a correct decision for the body and self.

[Blue_Roses]

14. While I agree that your therapist is right about her taking responsibility

for her actions, I disagree that you should remain quiet about this. She is a minor and still in your care. That in itself gives YOU the right to do as YOU the parent sees fit, whether it be to talk with her or confront the boy's mother. I understand the issue of the diary and her privacy--which I would address as a separate problem with her--but this is a scary situation that could have taken a different turn.

Good grief, my daughter is ten and my other one is eight and I'm DREADING the years to come.:cry:

[Chalco]

15. My favorite saying is--

"Having a teenager is not for the faint of heart!"

Things are going well. I never did contact the mother of the boy. They are several hundred miles away. My daughter has no interest in seeing the boy. She's doing well in school and with friends.

It's just not easy being the parent of a teen no matter how well they are doing. You never know when they're going to throw you a curveball.

[otherlander]

12. "Where did she learn those?"

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

[Tumbulu]

13. Your post is not helpful and is unkind

[Kittycat]

16. Not helpful - however...

I learned about these things when I was in Jr High, maybe 12yo at best, and I went to a private Christian school (I'm currently 34, btw). Our school's biggest problem was that they never allowed us to take Sex Ed. Personally, I think having these discussions with your daughter at age 14 is too late. These are topics that need to start much sooner. Discussion about how a woman becomes a woman - even at 9yo is appropriate. Once she becomes a woman, discussions about sex, etc should start immediately. Waiting until h.s? In all honesty - it's lunchroom conversation at that point.

What I would be more concerned about, is the ease at which she started doing something with him (ie. as soon as the door closed). You can't really approach her about the diary, but I don't know... I think I might call and talk with the mother of the other boy, personally.