Help for miserable daughter

[cilla4progress]

We raised our daughter, an only child (of older parents...took us awhile to commit) in a beautiful rural environment close to nature with dogs, cats, horses, chickens. Lots of family activities - family friends, but our friends mostly have older kids, many grown and gone now. We are a rare progressive family in this very conservative redneck area and school system. Since middle school, M has been largely - with respect to friends - alone. We have managed to piece things together, and she has had some incredible adventures as a fortunate child in an enriched environment - from 2 weeks in Europe with a student study group, to a week as a page in our State Senate, to hosting an Afghan girl during last school year! We have some extended family within a day's drive. But still she remains mostly - alone.

It breaks my heart. I try to point out the advantages she has had, and relate how we all have our burdens. Her dad and I and she are very close; we ski together, hike, ride horses (though she is a little burned out on all this time with mom and dad!). I believe in my heart that when she grows up and moves on into adulthood, the small-town mindedness of her school mates, and the isolation that has helped her develop many inner resources, and the time with her dad, me, and our lively progressive friends, will prove to be a source of character and well-roundedness for her.

As she cried tonight, telling her dad and me how she has no friends, blaspheming those at school who put her down for being smart and looking forward to college, I could only wish that I could collapse the next 6 months that she has to bear until she graduates. Fortunately in our state she is able to take classes at the local junior college, where she spends much of her school day. But living so far out, she still has not managed to move beyond friendliness and familiarity with fellow students, to hanging out, which is her heart's deepest wish.

If anyone can suggest a path to helping my daughter feel optimistic and happy over the next half year until college is truly in her headlights, I would certainly appreciate it. And yes, I do feel guilty -- I wonder what mistakes I have made in my choices through the years, that have caused so much pain for my dear M!

[phylny]

1. Mother of three daughters here

Our youngest moved with us to a rural part of Virginia during tenth grade. She survived high school by being active in soccer and in theater. Still, she graduated with only one really good friend. She didn't go to parties, hang out with people after school, etc., because most of the kids around here either drink, or have had the same friends since Kindergarten and that was that. She's now attending a great university, has her first boyfriend, and has wonderful friends. We, too, told her, "Just wait. Wait until college. High school will be over soon."

If you know what college(s) she's interested in, see if she can do a campus visit for an extended weekend. Seeing college life first-hand may help her buck up for the next six months until she realizes that all the fun and fellowship she desires is right ahead of her. Also, see if there are any service organizations she can get involved in so that she can fill her time.

I feel your pain, but it sounds like you've done a great job with her, and she'll see "real life" is great out of high school.

[tigereye]

2. it's interesting how friendships develop and what the qual-

ity of those friendships are - it sometimes seems that the more kids try or desire to have friends, the harder it can be at times. It's very odd to think of an environment where other kids are so clannish or limited in their futures that they are unable to overcome those barriers or lack of interest in college/academics to make friends outside that circle, i.e. with your daughter, and reach out to newer people. I have often said to kids in my work that life is (fortunately) not like high school - less clannish, more open, with more people who are opening up their social circle and experience. I suspect that your daughter will be so busy with school and college planning during the rest of the year that she may not worry so much about friendships, however, maybe if she picked just one college activity to do with other students or asked them to go for a coffee or to a play or concert, etc, that might build some different friendships with people who realize that high school is not the world. It's wild how this is so much of an issue for some kids, whereas other kids seem to sprout friends without any effort.

My son is not very social (self-described introvert), but not unhappy about it. He is very self-contained. He had friends at his old school, but was never very interested in the typical social activities such as parties or girls or teams. So far at his new high school he has focused mostly on academics and his own pursuits at home. I'm an extrovert who was very involved in high school activities at that age and I had a large group of like-minded geeky friends or people involved in my various groups and activities, so if has been a challenge for me to see the world through his eyes and accept that someone can be content being less social! I was the oldest of 5, so I guess I got used to connecting with people and herding them around! I feel fortunate that there were a few people at my high school who did become life-long friends.

It takes all kinds to make a world. I wish your daughter well in her pursuits!


:D

[MrsBrady]

3. i hated high school, college was better

then as an adult I could spend my time with people who had the same interests as me.
songwriters, musicians, going to see music, etc.

You just can't do it at that age, as much.

"it get's better" is a good mantra...and I don't just mean for the It Gets Better group, but I mean, in general.
I don't know why high school sucks so bad, but it just does.

I'm generalizing. But it seems to me, the worse high school was, the better life is as an adult...and vice versa.


do you have any friends/relatives with mature college age females...or graduated/late 20's that she might be able to relate to?

that helped me. I have an aunt who is 16 years older than me, and wasn't "old" (or so I thought at the time lol ) like my mom.
She hated high school too. so I had someone who could relate, but not "mother' me. She was a young woman when I was young, so we had fun.

[JDPriestly]

4. It gets better.

Being smart is a disability (yes, it is) in high school, but wait until she gets to graduate school. She will love it.

Patience is the key. She just has to keep reminding herself that things will get better.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

5. That could be my story

All the advantages you have given your daughter, and your natural tendency to want to be close to your only child, have in a sense made her a misfit among other teenagers. She has spent more time with adults than with other kids, and this means that she is literally culturally different than her classmates.

It's a difficult balance. There's a lot that's negative about contemporary teenage and pop culture, but she is a member of her generation, not yours. In the long run, she'll be better off than the kids who have been brought up to be unquestioning Middle Americans, but that doesn't make high school any easier.

I was a misfit in high school (for various reasons), even though I was active in theater and the school paper, and the only thing that kept me from suicide was a student journalism field trip to the University of Minnesota when I was a junior.

I saw an environment outside of the petty little high school world. I passed by classrooms where fascinating subjects were taught. I saw people from all over the world.

I realized that if I could just hold out for another year, I'd be in a new, more congenial environment. My expectations were borne out.

Meanwhile, while she's at the junior college, are there any extra curricular activities that she could participate in?