My daughter is overweight. I need advice.

[OnionPatch]

I saw a recent post about a nine-year-old overweight boy, but the poster said he eats a healthy diet, so our problem is different. Our problem is that our daughter only seems to want to eat the most fattening, bad-for-you foods and in portions that are too large for a ten-year-old kid. It's heartbreaking because I have always taken care to provide the most healthy foods, natural and/or organic, lots of salads, fresh fruits, etc. and when she was younger she loved all kinds of healthy foods. She was at a normal weight then. Somewhere in the last four years, she discovered junk food and has also decided she dislikes almost anything that's good for her. Since then she's become overweight, not obese, but definitely overweight and seems to be gaining steadily.

I guess I don't know how to handle it. It doesn't seem right to outright control her diet, deny her the foods she wants and force her to eat ones she doesn't. It just makes her resentful and hurts her feelings. Plus, I don't want to cause issues and be the mom who always nags at her daughter about her weight, but I'm concerned about her overall health and yes, I do hate to see her go through the social issues that overweight, teenage girls face. I need help. I know how to provide a good, healthful diet. I just don't know how to get her to eat it or to eat it in a balanced way. For instance, I stock healthy snacks like yogurts, low-fat cheese sticks, whole grain muffins/crackers, etc. and she just ends up eating too many of them. I serve plenty of vegetables with meals but her plate comes back to the kitchen the good stuff still sitting on it and the more fattening stuff (carbs, meats) all cleaned up. Then on top of that, she'll eat junk food when she's away from the house if she can and also talks her father into buy her ice cream and junk and he usually gives in because he's overweight too! (Not obese, just a bit chubby.) He treats me like the food police when I even show any concern about her weight. So I feel like I'm walking on eggs over this issue.

As far as exercise, she doesn't get enough, that's for sure. She's an only child and has no neighbor kids to hang out with. We have no family within a thousand miles, so no cousins, either. We're older parents, and I have health issues and can't always keep up with an exercise program, so I don't set a very good example, either. And then even when I feel well, I am working so many hours since this recession and our finances have taken a hit, plus paying my medical bills, etc. that I'm having a hard enough time keeping myself on a health program, let alone someone who else who doesn't even want to be on one. She doesn't want to do any classes like gymnastics or join any teams like soccer, etc.

I'm at a loss and I'd appreciate any advice. Sorry for the wordy post but I am hoping for more tailored advice than just "eat less, exercise more". I would love some advice on my role, the most effective attitude I can have to help her and help knowing when it's OK to be firm and when it's not OK to nag. How can I help her without seeming overly controlling?

[Sabriel]

1. It's hard if you're not getting support

It sounds like you're doing the right thing by providing healthy snacks, too.

We severely restrict access at home to sweets and fatty snacks, and I had to convince my relatives to do the same when the kids visit them. I told them to think of those foods as cigarettes: would they provide a cigarette to our kids? No? Then don't feed them crap, either. Would that argument work on her father?

Do what you can to model good eating. And I've decided it's better to have a (sometimes) resentful annoyed healthy child than an indulged satisfied overweight one.

Good luck.

[knowbody0]

2. if you have room outdoors, get a frisky puppy

that loves to fetch and play. did this for my grandson, who at 10 weighed nearly 100 lbs. today he's almost 12, is fit and active. he was also a lonely kid (no neighbors etc) activity vs boredom and stationary time was the key for him.

[OhioBlue]

3. Could there be underlying issues?

Is she using food as comfort? I don't know you or your daughter and I am not a counselor.. but just from what you wrote - what jumped out to me is that maybe she is lonely if she doesn't have any other kids to play with?

As far as activity - has she tried a Wii or other game system that gets the kids moving? We don't have one - so I can't really say how well they get the kids to exercise.. I'm just throwing out a thought for you.

I like the puppy idea.

We enrolled my son in the local YMCA daycare/summer camp - they have structured days that include swimming lessons, gym time, playground time and gymnastics lessons. The local Y has program to help people in financial hardships.

Best of luck to you!!

[wildeyed]

4. I like the puppy idea, too.

Also wondering, did something happen emotionally that caused the change. Is she being bullied at school and maybe not talking about it, then using food as a comfort? You could also try getting her involved with more extracurricular activities, even if they are not active. She may be bored and lonely and using food to fill that gap. Having friends who shared an interest outside of school might be a help. Is she under-challenged at school? Again, might be eating out of boredom and frustration. And like a pervious poster mentioned, model healthy behavior and eating. I work out regularly. If I do it at home, my kids will get down on the floor with me and stretch, do crunches, whatever. They don't pursue it seriously, but they get that it is part of a healthy life.

I would not make food a major battle because you will lose. As long as you are providing good food options and modeling good behavior, there is not much else you can do but love her and hope for the best.

[marzipanni]

5. Kids like to know stuff

Does she have a grandma, aunt, or older cousin who she's close to? I think this book sounds great, but instead of you giving it to her maybe a female relative she has good rapport with could send it to her, then it won't come with "baggage" of you wanting her to eat better and get more exercise. She is at an age where she will have a growth spurt soon, and she can learn that growing up means taking some responsibility to take good care of herself so her body will have what it needs to be strong and healthy. From what reviewers said, their young daughters loved this book and it provided an opening for good mother-daughter conversations :)
http://www.amazon.com/Care-Keeping-Collection-American-Girl/product-reviews/1593697635?pageNumber=2

When my three older brothers and I were kids we discovered, among our family's cookbooks, a book my great aunt had given to my mom called, "You Are What You Eat". That concept fascinated us and we all read parts of it and learned a lot.

[OnionPatch]

6. Thanks everyone. Sorry for the late response.

I didn't get a response at first so after a few days I forgot to check back here. I almost forgot I had posted! (Duh! :blush:) I appreciate all the advice. We actually have two dogs already, and believe it or not, both of them have leg problems! We can't even take them for very long walks, the poor things. But we may get another dog soon.

The book mentioned looks good and I just ordered it. She loves anything "American Girl".

So, for an update, I've been trying to get more exercise with her but starting middle school has been the biggest help. They have a REAL gym class, where they have to run a mile in so many minutes, etc., etc. The coach seems to have taken her under her wing and has been very encouraging. She's shed only a few pounds so far but is gaining strength and muscle, seems to be enjoying it and has a good attitude so I think she's on a good trend.

[elleng]

7. GREAT to hear they have a REAL gym class (better her than me!)

and a caring coach. Sounds like she's on the way!
:hi: