My 10YO has an eating disorder

[Xithras]

First let me apologize for posting this to multiple groups, but I'm desperate. I just had a disturbing phone call and made an even more disturbing mental connection about my oldest child.

My 10 year old daughter is, like both me and her mother, exceptionally tall and thin...really the definition of "waif-like". Several months ago I noticed that she wasn't eating much for breakfast in the morning, on some days trying to skip breakfast altogether, and that her appetite for dinner had scaled back as well. I mentioned it to her pediatrician at her last visit, and the doctor told me that she was fine physically and that she was probably going through a lull in her growth and was eating fewer calories as a result.

I believed this until 5 minutes ago. My daughters 5th grade teacher just called me with some serious concerns. Apparently she has overheard my daughter on more than one occasion tell her friends that she's "fat" and "dieting to be skinny and pretty", and so the teacher began watching her for any signs of A/B. What she found was that, in three weeks, my daughter has thrown her lunch in the garbage uneaten every single day.

The teacher took her concerns to the school nurse, and they confronted her about it today. My daughter, who is a very quiet, extremely intelligent (all GATE, tests in the top 3% nationwide for reading comp and math), and pacifistic kid apparently flew into a furious and tear filled screaming RAGE that they were "spying on her", and said that she eats as much as she needs. When the nurse asked her why she was throwing her lunches away, my daughter repeated that she was "a fat pig". This, coming from a girl who is 4'8" and weighs less than 60 pounds, alarmed them a bit (just for reference, at 18 I was 6'1", 135 pounds, and I ate like a horse, so a certain component of her weight is genetic).

So now I'm sitting here wondering what the HELL I did wrong, and how to fix this. Her teacher recommended that I get her into her doctor right away, and I'm planning on doing that, but what else can I do? I have absolutely ZERO experience with eating disorders and don't know where to start with this. Do I start making her plates myself and force her to eat? Do I need to take her to a shrink? How does this stuff start? She doesn't like boys yet so I doubt she's doing it to attract anyone, and she doesn't even have a belly bulge so I'm not sure how this whole thought process even got started.

Any advice that anyone can give me would be helpful. I don't think I've ever felt this confused, or this helpless, about a parenting problem before. There's something wrong with my little girl and I don't know how to help her :cry:

[SarahB]

1. Counseling.

From what I know, eating disorders go beyond simply body image issues, but a larger picture. I'm so sorry. This must be heartbreaking. :hug:

[SoCalDem]

2. You MUST get her psychiatric help NOW.. This is a life/death issue

Sorry to be so blunt, but at 10, she has not even had the real growth spurt yet, and if she's thinking she's "fat" now, that will be terrifying to her when she starts getting hips and putting on the fat that mother nature intended for ALL females..

You might ask around for a recommendation for one who specializes in eating disorders..That's VERY important..

A good friend of mine almost lost her daughter ..(she was bulimic) It started for her when she was about 12, and had the normal baby-fat..People joked with her about her "cute little chubby belly", and commented that she would "lose it" when she matured.. She started becoming an exercise freak and throwing up whatever she ate.. Of course her parents did not really notice right away either.. (Don;t blame yourself..they are very secretive).. Their daughter would eat regular meals, so they didn't know that she was up to, until she literally passed out one day.. She wore baggy clothing, and it was in the ER, that her mother was confronted with the truly skinny body her daughter had developed.

She's been in counselling, and is doing better, but early iintervention is a GOOD thing.. DO NOT WAIT !!!

[AlCzervik]

3. therapy right now, as much as you can get for her

i was bullemic for 13 years and it started when i was about 12, i wish someone had caught me and gotten me some help. You can recover and stay that way but it takes a lot of support. You all will have to find out the underlying reasons for whats going on and it wont be pleasant but it will help her.

[Sabriel]

4. Don't blame yourself, Mom

My parents never talked about weight, they never got on me about it, but I developed an eating disorder nonetheless. It's the media and this society, and unless you talk about dieting yourself in front of her or with friends, I can't see how you can beat yourself up about it.

This scares me. My daughter is heading toward my body type (tall and muscular), and some of her classmates already talk about diet and exercise. And they're kindergarteners. Good god.

[lastliberalintexas]

5. First, I doubt very seriously that this

is your fault, so stop beating yourself up about it. I've read stories about eating disorders being diagnosed in younger and younger children, mostly girls of course, but that it's even on the rise with boys and minorites, groups that traditionally didn't face this problem. And it's not surprising, given the image that girls are given as The Look- the women on Friends, the Ally McBeal woman, Lara Flynn Boyle, Kate Moss, Britney, Christina, etc.- all made up, airbrushed and fantasy land. But since most adult women can't understand that such an image is indeed unreachable and unsustainable by normal people (how many men look like George Clooney and Brad Pitt, after all), I can't think of how a young girl would either.

Second, I have to agree with the other posters that counseling is necessary. This is a very serious and potentially life threatening disease, and a qualified psychiatrist/psychologist/counselor with experience in these areas would be your best ally. Oftentimes health insurance will cover mental health counseling, so check with yours (if you're lucky enough to have health insurance!).

From my limited experience with a friend's younger sister, I would warn you against trying to force the issue, or food for that matter. From what I learned from my friend's family's situation, this disease is as much about *control* as it is body image, so if you try to force her to eat, you could just make matters worse. My friend's sister was doing poorly in school and felt llike food was the only thing she could control- she said when or if she ate, how much, etc. In her mind, it was all she had power over.

Of course, that probably varies from patient to patient, so your counselor may tell you differently. I just wanted to tell you that, in the meantime until you find a counselor, it's probably not best to go overboard on the domineering parenting, which is of course how we'd all want to respond.

Good luck, and I hope you've caught this early, and that she can get the help she needs to stay healthy. :hug:

[Killarney]

6. I'm so sorry. But so glad the school caught it and told you.

My best friend in 7th grade had anorexia. She struggled off and on with it for years. At first her mother (her parents were divorced) just tried to force her to eat. Then, she switched from anorexia to bulemia. She would eat to satify her mother, then go throw it up.

Eventually, they ended up having to put her in a hospital because it got to the point where she could have had heart failure. She was passing out and everything. She wasn't allowed to leave the hospital until she had gained a certain amount of weight. Also at this hospital, they had group therapy sessions every day and she also had one on one counseling. I think that part is necessary.

She did recover with time and help. Counseling is necessary though.

I'm so sorry. I hope she recovers quickly.

[Taverner]

7. Second that

Consider yourself fortunate to have a school that doesn't let these things slip through the cracks. In todays oversized schools what you have is quite a blessing.

I would second the calls for counseling as well...

[Xithras]

8. A follow-up

Thank you for the replies. I took the advice posted in this forum and the two others I posted in, and contacted my daughters Dr. Saturday morning. He didn't waste any time with it, and set her up for a checkup and a psych consult first thing this morning.

The verdict: My daughter apparently does have some self-image problems at the moment and they want to begin counseling her regularly, but it doesn't appear that she has any real eating disorder. The doctor commented to my wife that we were lucky...we apparently caught the issue at such an early stage that he didn't think that any real harm would come of it. He said that most parents don't find out about these kinds of problems until they have progressed quite a bit further, and by then the psychological problems are usually well entrenched and take years of therapy to work out. As it stands, he seems to think that we can get this worked out fairly easily.

Whew!

Thanks to all that replied, I think I just needed to vent some of my panic somewhere, and this board gave me a place to do it and get some constructive feedback. I really do appreciate the viewpoints of others who have been through this.