Another try...Is spanking ever justified?

[cally]

I think not. Violence is always wrong. It teaches nothing other than indicating the parents frustration..

[Sabriel]

1. We don't spank

None of our parents ever did, so it's not even something we think about. On the other hand, neither child has ever done something so terrifying and heinous that we felt a need to.

[cally]

2. I hit my daughter once...I was more surprised than she was

It was a simple thing, she reached for a marker that I did not want her to have. I slapped her hand. That's how I was raised and I did it without thinking. She cried, I cried, and I never hit either child again.

I don't believe that hitting children ever works. Period.

[kimchi]

3. I would have said "no" before I had a child!

But seriously; my child is 2 and hasn't been spanked yet. I have smacked her hands lightly a few times after repeatedly reminding her not to hit me/cat/whatever. Time outs are as painful as limb ambutation to her; so that usually works. She is a very good child; and I don't think it is because I'm a good parent or because I'm a nurturer vs. spanker. I think God/dess just knows I couldn't handle a brat.

[Tikki]

4. The actual physical act of...

..swinging your arm out and down in a forceful manner and then slapping with your hand
is an 'attracting physical visualization' that can teach your child or any other child whom might be watching a way he or she might cope with their frustration or disapprovals, at
anytime, in their future.

Associated verbalizations: learned behavior, also.

[robbedvoter]

5. No, and useless too. Consistency is the only way.

Unfortunately, silly books teach parents to never tell their child "No" untill they are 2 - and by then the power struggle - envelope pushing between parent and child is irremediable compromised. I see in the park parents of toddles who beg their kids to stop hitting others, or worse yet, simply distract their attention. A firm request - with the certitude that you are in charge is worth 1000 spanking and stupid psicho-bubble. Setting limits to a very small child is reasuring, and simply continuing that CONSISTENTLY is effortless along the years.

[tjdee]

6. I did what you did--once, NEVER again.

It wasn't even "spanking", it was kind of like your experience, on her hand, and her eyes got big and wide and she cried and cried.

I felt terrible, and I haven't done it since.
And you know what, I haven't missed it. She's a great kid and she listens (most of the time!) to me.

I was spanked, btw. I don't think it taught me anything but fear of a spanking.

[Violet_Crumble]

9. I can only remember once...

Christmas Eve. K-Mart toys section. Stressed out mum. Stressed out toddler. Stressed out toddler throws massive temper-tantrum and puts on the whole spectacular, including lying in the middle of the aisle and kicking anyone or anything that came near her. Stressed out mum picks her up and stressed out toddler tries to take a bite out of stressed out mum's shoulder. I didn't even think. I just gave her a whack on her bum and she unlatched real quick and was in so much shock she stopped the temper tantrum. I gave up the idea of buying anything and just took her straight home after that. Of course the whole whack on the butt could have been avoided if I hadn't had her in a crowded store when we were both tired, but being a single mum with a full time job, it was hard back then to juggle time and avoid those sorts of situations...

Violet...

[gollygee]

7. No, I don't spank.

I don't spank and I don't believe spanking is a good discipline too. I don't think it teachers children what is intended. But I do see the difference between a parent who spanks without causing too much pain to get a child's attention, and abuse. I just would never do either. And I know people who have said that their parents intended to just spank but occasionally lost control and went too far. A lot of people spank out of anger and that's not just ineffective as far as discipline goes, it's also dangerous.

[leftofthedial]

8. no

except between consenting adults

[rbnyc]

12. right on.

:evilgrin:

[wildeyed]

10. I spank occasionally.

I was spanked appropriately as a child and don't think it was detrimental to my development in any way. I would be warned, if you do that again, you will get a spanking. Then I would do it again and I would be spanked. I felt very contrite and the punishment made an impression. Could my parents have found another way to discipline? Probably, but there was nothing wrong or abusive about what they did.

I understand how people make the correlation between spanking and violence, but most parents physically restrain their children regularly, to keep them from running out in the street, getting lost in a busy shopping center, whatever. I also force recalcitrant children to go places they don't want to, like into a car seat or the bath tub. I don't think appropriate spanking is any different from these activities.

Any type of discipline, if applied inconsistently or in anger, can be abusive. We all know parents who may not spank, but say the most horrible, demeaning things to their children.

Mostly my kids are pretty well behaved, I can't remember the last time I spanked. But the few time I have, it made an impression and the behavior was not repeated.

[rbnyc]

11. I agree, but my husband doesn't.

We've talked about it several times, and I won't budge, and the only thing I can get him to agree to is not to spank in anger, and not to cause pain. I think hitting teaches to hit. I think spanking is violent and wrong. My husband says, wait and see. I'm not sure what to do. I need to convince him, I can't just forbid it.

[sandnsea]

13. If they're endangering themselves

Consistency is the key to any discipline. Spanking works only if the kid knows he's going to get spanked. So the same would be true of any other discipline, that the child didn't like, if it was applied consistently.

Unless they're going out into the street and won't stop, or continuously playing with something that will hurt them, like stove burners or something. If they are never spanked, a spanking in that situation could send a huge message.

[DemExpat]

14. I was spanked....taught me great fear and loathing.

I never spanked my 2 children.

Offering alternatives to unwanted behavior in little ones works wonders, and restraining them without spanking or slapping was so easy to do..

I cannot imagine one instance where violence against a child is good teaching.

DemEx

[AlCzervik]

21. The fear and loathing thing...i hear you on that

When i was 7 my Mom married the biggest prick in the world, classic asshole, postal worker, elks lounge member and not big on children unless it involved beating the shit out of them, namely me. Anyhow, after 5 years of him abusing me and my Mom playing dumb, thats a whole other story for a different time, i finally had enough. I was about 12 and he came home loaded on a Saturday night, when he was drunk thats when it would fly. So i hear his car pull in and usually that scared me but that something must have snapped in me. OK, he walks in and slams the back door, starts yelling about what a mess the house was(clean, like better homes and gardens clean) and starts yelling for me to "Get your ass out here right the fuck now!!!" I go out to the kitchen and stop at the knife block, got the big super sharp chefs knife, he see it and says "What the fuck are you doing with that missy??" and i said "I'm going to kill you and then I'm driving your car with you stuffed in the trunk to Revere where I'm gonna dump your body" Now when i said this i was really calm and i looked right in his eyes and i think he knew i wasn't screwing around, i was prepared to kill him, I've never felt that way before or since but that one time it was en powering. Anyhow, he never touched me again, in fact he would stay far away from me as possible, my Mom divorced him and he dies about 2 years ago. his sister had the balls to call me and tell me, i promptly told her to go fuck herself. Maybe thats why i dint spank. Sorry for being long winded.

[sybylla]

15. Yep *donning aesbestos underpants*

The only time I ever got physical with my children were times when their behavior was either threatening to themselves or to others and all other methods of behavior modification were not working. Very young children think the world they live in is an absolutely safe place and that they can do whatever they want without risk. What kind of parent would I be if I allowed my child to engage in risky behavior merely because the doorbell rang and for a few minutes I couldn't be standing over him like some guardian force.

Obviously, as the children grow older and grow to trust that your commands are not petty or irrational - but only for their protection - then that is all it takes. Until then, a swat to the diaper or a smack of the hand may be all it takes to convince a toddler who thinks that you are only a brief obstacle to fun that you are serious about their risky behavior. Of course all such acts were accompanied with age appropriate explanations of the problem and a firm statement that I would not let them engage in such behavior in the future for that very reason.

That is all it took with mine. And yet, in spite of my violent tendencies, they are seemingly well adjusted, non-violent teenagers who have a great deal of respect for themselves and others.

[Gryffindor_Bookworm]

16. I'm with you.

About once a year until I was 10 or 11, I got turned over my father's knee for a spanking (with a ping pong paddle). Every time, I was either being so obnoxious as to totally disrupt our family or doing something stupid enough to rise to the level of dangerous. It was a last resort, and it did not harm me. He was never angry or out of control. He was simply determined that there were certain things his children were not going to do, for their own good and for the good of the human beings sharing the planet with them, and if he couldn't get our attention any other way, we'd have a sore butt for a couple of hours.

I respect that there are people who were spanked -- even people who were spanked in ways that did not approach what the law would call "abuse" -- who feel that it scarred them for life and did them great harm. I do not belittle their feelings.

For ME and my brothers and OUR family, it was a reasonable and effective part of the parenting repertoire. I was never scared of my father. No one on earth has ever - or will ever - love me more.

I understand that the percentage of parents who can calmly administer a short, moderate, reasonable spanking may be very small. Most parents probably shouldn't. But the liberal orthodoxy that all spanking is bad for all children under all circumstances simply isn't true.

*clutches the fire extinguisher and prays*

[mrgorth]

17. Spanker here

Sorry. I'm one of 2 boys and I have 2 boys now. I do everything I can not to but sometimes it's necessary.

[Jersey Devil]

18. Had 3 kids, spanked them very rarely & only in dangerous situations

I don't think that spanking accomplishes anything but I have to admit that I did spank my kids if I thought they were engaging in activities that could be life threatening to them such as playing with an electrical cord/socket, once trying to start the car, one time one trying to imitate a cartoon by bonking his sister on the head with a rubber mallet.

I did it just to get their attention. One sharp (but not excessively forceful) slap to the bottom, to let them know just how serious the situation was.

[lizzieforkerry]

19. If you were to ask me I would say I am not a spanker

but I did spank my 2 year old once when he had been out of control for about 10 hours and I finally couldn't take it anymore Nothing I had done all day had worked, and he is normally a very well behaved. I don't know what got into him that day. I sapnked my 18 month old, lightly, when she broke away from me and ran into a parking lot and kept hiding/running. I freaked because I was so scared. So I guess just go with the flow and don't use it as a usual punishment, and hopefully you won't ever have to. I have found timeouts work well and we will take away a toy and then they have to earn them back.

[AlCzervik]

20. I dont spank but my daughter is 10 now

and nearly as tall as me so i dont think it would do much good at this point. I have only one so maybe it's a tad easier for me. Also, i swear she was born old and loves rules..."Rules make things fun Mom!" so she never ran across the street or took off at the supermarket on me. I have several friends that have more than one child and some do spank and some don't. The ones who do are the parents of boys, maybe that makes a difference, i dont know.

[LeftyMom]

22. Hitting is wrong

If I hit LeftyDad I would go to jail. LeftyDad a 80 pounds heavier than I. I could legally hit LeftyKid. LeftyKid is 80 lighter than I. That doesn't make a bit of sense, does it?

Hitting is a "tool" employed by angry people with no coping skills and it doesn't work anyhow. I don't want my kid to behave because he fears me, I won't be looking over his shoulder forever. I want him to behave because he knows right from wrong.