The curse of the 2nd kid being tougher...much tougher

[mrgorth]

I've got 2 boys, 6 and 3. My oldest, aside from being a bad sleeper at first, was always a dream to raise. He's sensative but has always wanted little more than pleasant interaction. I had no idea how good I had it until he got to around 3 and I realized "if I had to I could do this by myself". The relationship with my wife was even getting back to normal as I was increasingly confident in my parenting. Then the 2nd kid came. He was as bad a sleeper as the first but a worse eater. Even now there are maybe 5 things he'll eat as a dinner. As the burden on both of us increased again the relationship suffered. As our second got older we started to realize how easy our 1st was. We have an intense child. I don't know if this is normal because whenever I tell people "God tricked us into having a 2nd" many people respond "that's how it always is". Also, some of my younger son's attitude seems to be based on being the younger of 2. Where my oldest stimulated himself with interests like construction or dinosaurs the youngest seems to only care about roughhousing with the older one. Where the older one would cry if I looked at him funny the younger one stands off with me. Probably he figures "he never killed the older one so he won't kill me". Also, at day care he has the influence of the older one scarring him. We're told he says "I'm gonna get a gun and shoot you". But this is rediculous. He never says anything like this at home but he could get it from the 6 year old who sees and hears more things than the younger.

In short. No one told me how hard 2 would be. My parents had 2 boys and survived but I know they yelled a lot. My wife hates it when I yell but I'm a discilpliarian. I was told by someone I trusted that 2 isn't twice as hard as one because you know what to expect. No you don't. Two is more than twice as hard because they constantly rev each other up and egg each other on. Our house seems like one big fight now. Either the boys fighting or me yelling at them.

Does anyone else have a similar story?

[trotsky]

1. Our first one (son) was hard, our second one (daughter) is just as hard.

But in a slightly different way, I guess. The first was a horrible sleeper, a demanding toddler, and now fits into the mold of the "Spirited Child" which if you search on that you might find it matches a lot of what your 2nd exhibits.

We had always wanted 2 kids, but weren't quite ready to try for the next one, but had an "oops" and so got her a little early. Probably a good thing, since if we had waited any longer we might have judged from the first one that we SHOULDN'T have another.

She was a great sleeper and easy infant, so we thought to ourselves that the first one broke us in and our second would be a piece of cake. But that changed. Now her key feature is screaming hissy fits if you ever have to tell her "No." And of course they fight and bicker constantly.

Son will be 6 in March, daughter is 3-1/2. Yes it causes a lot of strain on our marriage because both are VERY parent-intensive. Which is odd, because both my wife and I were "loner" type kids who would go hang out in our rooms and play with Legos or read for hours and hours. Our kids now need to have us nearby and engaged all the time. And although I love my kids dearly and love being a parent, we need breaks too!!

[wildeyed]

2. Our first was so easy.

She slept all night, ate anything and played contentedly for long periods of time. Of course I thought it was all due to my stellar parenting skills. So we had a second pretty quickly. He is a doll, but he didn't sleep at all for the first six months and didn't nap on any kind of schedule for about a year. He has always been a clingy kid, but at two he is starting to get heavy. And when he is not clingy, he is moving away from me at warp speed.

If the first had been as high maintenance as the second, there likely would have only been one. On the plus side, it is getting a tick easier these days. I don't have to watch him every single second, and he and his sister are beginning to be able to play together, which is one benefit to have closely spaced kids.

I think two is more than twice as hard as one because you rarely get a break. With one, you can pass off to the other parent and get a minute, or the kid will eventually fall asleep, so you get a break there. But with two, something is always going on.

[mrgorth]

3. We say this:

"If the first had been as high maintenance as the second, there likely would have only been one." all the time.