This didn't go well....giving family heirlooms to children

[cally]

I was cleaning out my closet and found a silver plate mirror and brush set. My eldest (17) wanted it, so I gave it to her. A few minutes later the youngest comes running in (14) and says she's wanted this since she was young. :shrug: So, I suggested they put it in the bathroom and we'll decide later. I think I should have still given it to my oldest. I think I made a mistake.

I'm curious how other families handle passing on the possessions. My parents or my husband's parents pass on nothing or very little. I think they try to avoid these conflicts. I'd like to figure out a somewhat reasonable approach to this.

[mrgorth]

1. Talk

maybe there's something else either of them want (even if you won't give it until later) that could take the sting away from not getting the thing in question. You want to give it to the oldest but maybe she's nowhere near as interested as the youngest. Surely you don't intend to give the oldest everything of value, right?

[cally]

5. My eldest doesn't like material possesions much

so I just gave it to her without thinking much about it. It's not that valuable.

[trotsky]

2. If you have several things, everyone needs to make a list.

Ranking from 1 to whatever what they want the most. Everyone is likely to rank things differently, and you can't argue if you ranked it #3 while big sis ranked it #1, especially if you get your #1 and/or #2 items.

[wildeyed]

3. My parents give me all the crap they don't want

but can't bear to throw away.

My kids always want what the other one has. Maybe if you had two items to pass on, one for each?

[SoCalDem]

4. have each child write down the things they would like "someday"

Do not allow them to see each other's list... Compare the lists and if there are things that each wants, you will know in advance, and perhaps can figure out a fair way to divide these up..

If you only have two children, just make sure in yout will that EVERYTHING is spelled out..in the most minute detail.. Your children could end up spending the rest of their days estranged if you do not spell it out..

You might also write each of them a letter "to be opened after..." and put them in a safety deposit box.. In the letter you can pour your heart out to each of them, and explain why you gave this one that..and so on.. If they know it was YOUR decision, there can be no hard feelings between them.. The worst thing to happen is what inevitable happens sometimes..

"Mom wanted ME to have ..."etc etc.. You will NOT be there to set them straight..

I read once about a Mother who wrote each one of her kids such a letter and in it she told each one ..."Do not show this to your brother/sister, because it would probably hurt their feelings, but YOU were always my special child"..

and then she went on to give each of the others an identical letter.:) Of course they all knew their mother well, so they DID show each other, and they all had a laugh at Mom ..still trying to make each one feel special after she was gone:)

We did gove our oldest most of the "heirlooms" along with the whole darn china cabinet, but the OTHER two knew about it, and they all sat down as we wnet through the stuff, and know that if and when THEY woould like some of it, all they have to do is ask.. Our older son just got a house, and I was tired of dusting the damned stuff.. These three boys are not "territorial", and I know they will all share when the time comes:)..

[SW FL Dem]

6. This is usually a sticky issue

My family has tried to resolve it by asking people in advance what they want most. In most cases, we managed to avoid major disputes. Most people got their first or second choice. If there was a dispute that couldn't be resolved, the eldest and closest relative usually won.