Future parents?

[skippysmom]

We are contemplating having children within the next year or two and I'm lurking here a bit. We're battling about what to do about work, child care, money, etc.

Anyone else?

[blondeatlast]

1. My "bearing" days are over, but what a great idea!

You can NEVER be too prepared, and even that isn't prepared enough!

[wildeyed]

2. Nothing anyone can tell you will prepare you for the joy and the horror

of having children.

My advice about work, see how little you can live on and then if you can manage it, stay home with them while they are small. You will be suprised how much you can save by cooking from scratch, not commuting, etc. I have worked sporatically since we had kids, but part time and mostly from home. When mine are a little bigger and in school, I hope to work more, but until then, I am grateful to have the option of being home.

Second peice of advice, two is more than twice as hard as one. I have found it much harder to work or do much of anything since I had my second.

Good luck! :hi:

[StrongbadTehAwesome]

3. another future parent lurker here

I know nothing will ever really prepare us, but that won't stop me from reading/getting advice as much as possible. Forewarned is forearmed, right? :) Basically, I hope my husband and I can be better parents than ours were, 'cause we both endured some lousy parenting while growing up.

[Phillycat]

4. Another future parent here.

I'm not even married yet, but I know that I'll want children at some point and I too am lurking on this forum to pick up tips. :)

[MountainLaurel]

5. Me too

Although at this point I'm still trying to decide whether I want to become a parent, or rather, whether I don't want to (particularly since my SO isn't real encouraging of the ideas). I have a family history of mental illness and other not-so-fabulous issues and I'm not sure if (a) I can handle parenting and (b) I would want to inflict myself on an innocent child.

[SmokingJacket]

6. It's worth it.

I know it sounds corny, but I really experienced LOVE when I had my kids. They're 4 and 7, and every day it's better.

Nothing like it.

Everything else just falls by the wayside.

[mrgorth]

7. Like they said

hardest and best thing I've ever done. I mean brutally hard. You'll never know love like this though. One thing, never let ANYONE tell you there's anything wrong with just one. Difficulty increases exponentially.

[Killarney]

8. It's great to plan ahead like you're doing

because then if you start saving ahead of time and prioritizing you can have the choice to stay home if you want.

We chose for me to stay home (we saved for a few years prior). I figured if I don't like it, I can always go back to work. I love it!

[trotsky]

9. You know, we worried about those things too.

But it all just seemed to work out. I think a lot of people get themselves into a trap where they don't want to have children until they're sure that EVERYTHING is perfect.

From my experience, I can tell you the following:

Work: Try to determine if your boss is anti-child. How does s/he treat other parents s/he supervises? Does s/he have children? Does s/he take time off to take care of them? The boss I had when our first child was born was an absolute ass. Our son had a feeding problem and so for the first couple of weeks of his life, we were having major issues to deal with. He constantly berated me for my lost time, even though I came in and made up for it after hours. He was a fuckhead.

Child care: Start looking. We found a home daycare near my wife's work, and I think those are the best way to get an infant started with daycare. You can switch to a center when they get older and ready to get into the "school" mode. Just do your due diligence checking out licensing, references, etc., and it'll be fine.

Money: Again, it just seemed to work out. And that was even AFTER we had to spend tons on formula (breastfeeding didn't work out with our first) and diapers. You spend so much time with the baby that you no longer have time to spend money on yourself. But that's a good thing, of course. :)

[skippysmom]

10. Wow!

So much good advice! I have two fears with regard to having kids.

One, I worry that because I am not obsessed with having kids, I shouldn't do it. I was out over Thanksgiving with two of my best friends. One of them has been married for a year or so and is adamantly childfree. Doesn't like kids, doesn't want kids. The other is getting married next year, and really, desperately wants kids. In one respect, I envy both of them for their strong feelings. I want to have kids, but I don't feel desperate about it yet.

The other is the work/money/childcare situation. We are pretty solidly middle class, and we're fortunate to have no debt other than our mortgage. Our incomes are roughly the same, which means that if one of us stayed home our income would be cut in half. Which really isn't feasible. So we are looking at being working parents, with our child in daycare most days of the week. (The one good thing is that we both work in creative fields, and our jobs rarely go beyond 40 hours per week.) Unfortunately, I have absorbed all the things society says about putting kids in daycare=bad parenting. But it's not an option for us to have a stay at home parent.

Thanks for listening to my rant...

[mrgorth]

11. Answers

1) If you have a child it will dominate your life and you will love it like you can't imagine. That's not to say you definitely should have them. Make your decision but don't worry about being wishy washy about it.

2) If you go right back to work you will be overwhelmed with guilt. IMHO, if you can't take extended time off and maybe work part time, don't even bother.

[Zing Zing Zingbah]

12. I also think you should stay home with your child

for at least the first couple of months to bond with them, or at least one parent should do this. It seems to make more sense for the mother, if they intend on breastfeeding, to maximize the amount of time they spend at home with their child.

[mrgorth]

13. Agreed

it can be the father also...just someone.

[skippysmom]

14. I think we would both take family leave

Thankfully we live in Mass, so family leave applies to employers with at least 3 employees instead of the 50 employee requirement they have federally.

My thought is for me to take 12 weeks, then my husband can take his 12 weeks.

But after that....ummm...who knows.

[mrgorth]

15. That's cool

We can't afford for 1 to be home all the time either. There are ways to compromise. My wife works 3 10 hour days and we work to pick the kids up based on who can get there sooner. She also wouldn't WANT to be home 7 days a week so part time is perfect.

[umtalal]

16. I was ambivalent about children. I met my husband and decided due to our

age factor (39 Years old) we ought to have a child or we might regret not having one. I can tell you this: no regrets about having our little rascal. The love you feel and get is something that can't be described. It is also the hardest thing I have ever been through. Guess what? I don't even care for my life before Mr. Rascal arrived, he is so worth it & more.