How do you deal with the cruelty of kids?

[davsand]

OK, this may be too much self disclosure but I have got to throw this out for discussion...

I was born with a cleft palate and cleft lip (harelip for those of you who have heard that term.) I had corrective surgery as a baby, but it presented issues for me as a kid because there were always kids who took the cheap shot and made fun of me. I never told them off. I'd just wilt up inside then go home and cry.

Finally, at about Jr High age, I got to the point where I was just over it all. One kid made the mistake of taunting me on a bus full of other kids and I went ballistic on him. (Got "Medieval" on his ass, as my husband puts it.) The problems at school stopped after that, and I learned a valuable lesson about the value of telling the terminally rude people where to get off.

It took me years to get to where I was comfortable with my identity and my looks. Finally, I got to the point where I was able to deal with the occasional question about it or the odd comment. Most of the time, if it was a civil question or comment, I was pretty cool with it and would talk about growing up with a birth defect. It was not something I spent a lot of time thinking about...

Fast forward a few years.

My seven year old comes home in tears the other night. She tells me that one of the boys in her class had been making fun of me and taunting her with the idea that her mom is "weird" looking.

I explained to her that yeah--I do look different than a lot of people--but EVERYONE looks different and that is what makes life interesting. That pacified her a bit, but I could tell it was really bothering her. So we talked about it some more.

I explained to her that everyone carries scars of some sort--but some are internal ones on the soul--and they don't show up immediately like mine do. I told her that sometimes people make fun of others because they need to make themselves feel stronger somehow.

I think she understands and we got past it.

A couple of hours later, I'm telling hubby about it and I'm still feeling pissed off. I'm thinking about calling the kid's Mom up. THEN it hits me: WHY not take the time to go in and talk to the second grade class about what it is like to grow up different and how it can hurt when people make fun of you for something you can't help...

I mentioned the idea to hubby, and his only comment was "Sensitivity training for Second Graders??? Good luck!"

What do you think? Is this something they are gonna "get" or is it just a vain hope that maybe I can reach them and keep them from being assholes on down the road?

Laura

[knowbody0]

1. foster mom for years

adopted 3 "unadoptable" siblings (4,4&5) nine years ago, after my own were grown.
there is no way to soften the blows. kids can be so cruel. these beautiful kids of mine are a success story beyond all expectations.unconditional love, a safe home, logic lessons at meal times combined with their really hard work armor them against those who enjoy hurting others. be proud they tell you about it. many kids suffer in silence.

[wildeyed]

2. My kids are still little so I don't have any real advice for you

except wait a while and think on it. I really think it could just make things worse for your daughter. Maybe her teacher could give you some insight.

Here is my cruelty story. When I was in 4th grade, my parents transfered me from a really atrocious public school into catholic school. This group of kids had been together since kindergarten. There were two new kids in class, me and a partially deaf girl. The other kids tortured the deaf girl without cease. I usually hung back and occasionally tried to reach out to her a little. She seemed nice to me and I recognized that what was going on was cruel. But one day I succumb to the groupthink and teased her. I knew it was wrong, but I did it anyway. That was the last day she ever came to school. I think she had seen some kindness from me, and that gave her a little hope. But after I turned on her, it was the last straw. But I got mine. Those kids turned on me next and tortured me with out mercy until the end of the year. So I got mine. And I still feel guilty for that casual cruelty from so many years ago. So there is more about me than you probably wanted to know, too.

[cally]

3. I think it would be useful if the teacher supports the idea

During middle school, my children's school invited adults with disabilities to talk about it and the cruelty of children. I also remember in 4th or 5th grade another child was taunted because her mother speaks with an accent (she knows 3 to 4 languages btw) and is middle eastern. The mother asked to address the bullies and spoke about her experience coming to this country. It worked well. I don't know if 7 year olds can relate, but I think they can. Good luck.

[rbnyc]

4. One thing I can say is that in general...

...kids who get picked on turn out to be better adults than the kids who did the picking. It's kind of you to want to keep them from turning out to be assholes, and I think it may be possible.

I like your idea, but I think it would work because they'd get a chance to see that you're a real person. It's spending time with you that would make it work, not necessarily the training itself. It would probably be just as effective talk to them about your job, or do an art project with them.

Good luck.

[davsand]

5. Those kids DO know me.

We have been very involved with the school and I've spent more than a few days there with those same kids. I've even helped the teachers out with special stuff to supplement whatever units they were working on.

To cite one example, my Dad went in and took a bunch of native artifacts he found over the years he was farming. He and I explained to the kids what they were--what kind of tools they were-- and how they'd been used. Passed them around and let them handle them!

I go in and help with the class parties, and my husband and I do one special party for those kids every year for whatever holiday the teacher picks that isn't normally celebrated around here. We've done Mardi Gras, Cinco De Mayo--that kind of stuff--just so the kids can see and do things they wouldn't usually.

I coach the girl's softball team and I know most of the kids pretty well. For sure these guys know who I am... I may look odd to them, but I am no stranger.

Thanks, all of you for the input. This parenting thing is not easy!

Laura

[rbnyc]

6. Wow!

Kids are just mean. So sorry.

BTW, thanks again for the great breastfeeding post.

[tigereye]

7. my son goes to a very small private school

and there is very little teasing or bullying there. The teachers pick up on it right away and stop it. I feel very lucky. So I do think that if adults do not tolerate this type of thing and kids are taught right away that it is not okay to bully others, it can be stopped.

[SmokingJacket]

8. I think it's a brilliant idea.

If kids don't get "sensitivity training" in second grade, when are they going to get it? The timing is perfect.

I really am of the opinion that empathy needs to be taught. For some reason, the conventional wisdom is that kids are either cruel or kind and you can't do anything about it. My own memories of childhood, my experiences teaching 2nd grade, and now having my own second grader indicate that children of this age have a *huge* capacity for empathy that is just is slowly neglected and starved over the next ten years or so.

If you can go in, show those kids that you're a nice, loving, feeling person, I **guarantee** they'll never forget it. And they will think twice about deliberately/thoughtlessly hurting someone's feelings based on how they look again.

Please do it. You could read them a book or something and then talk about your experience. It would be immensely valuable.

GOOD LUCK!!

[Sabriel]

9. Yes, please do!

As a former teacher, and now as a teacher educator, I heartily recommend that bringing issues out in the open and addressing them directly is the best approach. There's a great video called, "It's Elementary," which shows how teachers at the elementary and middle level address gay and lesbian issues in classrooms. It might give you some ideas for talking about ability/difference issues when you talk to them.

Good luck! And thanks for even considering doing it.
Sabriel

[sybylla]

10. I, too, think it is a great idea.

When I was your age, I spent most of my playground time defending kids against cruelty. With my own kids, I handled cruelty much the same way as you - internal scars, etc.

I think that using your defect to speak about the issue is a great idea. Kids always mock what they do not understand and it will give you a chance to explain your own situation while educating them on the effects of their attitude towards other kids.

[L84TEA]

11. Oh I am totally dreading my youngest starting school

She has mild Cerebral Palsy, and she wears Leg braces.
Other then that she looks fine, she functions fine. She reads people well...and I have a feeling we are going to have buckets of tears for years too look forward too. grrr... i swear I will kick some stupid parents ass if their kid misses with my BABY!!!

[phylny]

16. I'm a speech-language pathologist, and if it's any consolation to you

the vast, vast, vast majority of the kids in the schools where I've been have been so used to seeing children with special needs, wheelchairs, braces, kids with autism, you name it, that they take it totally in stride.

They might ask questions: "Why can't Sarah talk like us?" and the questions are answered in the most respectful way: "Some people need help with some things that other people find easy to do. I was never good in math, but I bet you are. And I bet you can be a special helper to Sarah while she learns to talk."

Kids would literally elbow their way through to be a partner to the "Sarah's" of the world. Those with less debilitating difficulties blended right in, too. I'm not exaggerating when I say that for the vast majority of kids, the differences aren't a big deal.

When I worked in a high school, the class of 19-21 year olds did swing dance with the "typical" students at a pep rally. There wasn't a dry eye in the house among the STUDENTS, let alone the faculty. It was great.

Best to you.

[sherrem]

12. If I may...

I'd like to share my experience of having a parent "unlike everyone else's". My father is schizophrenic. I was unaware at the time my father was "different", to me he was just my father. One day, in second grade, I was late to school. My father had to drive me in, and walked me to my classroom. I didn't think anything of it, and when I went to sit down at my desk, the boy who sat behind me said "Ha ha ha, you're dad has a few screws loose". I didn't know what "a few screws loose" meant, but considering he laughed and mentioned my father--I knew it wasn't a positive thing.

That day, after school I asked my father what it meant. He sat down and explained to me what his condition was, and why he was "different". I became aware that he was in fact "different" from the other kids parents, but to me it didn't matter because he was my father and he loved me. He took me fishing, he took me to the park, he was more involved in my life than my mother (who I lived with and had custody of me).

Personally, and I mean absolutely no offense with this, if my father had come into my classroom and explained his illness with the entire classroom, I would have been mortified. I wouldn't have been singled out by just that one boy, I would have been singled out by the entire class as "the girl whose father has a few screws loose". I didn't think then there was anything really different about my father, but that wouldn't stop a classroom of children from KNOWING there was something wrong with my father and later using it as amunition as kids so often do. Besides, would second graders REALLY understand what a mental illness is and how it affects a person? Probably not. Would second graders REALLY understand what a birth defect is and how it affects a person? Maybe more so than they would with a mental illness, but there are always the kids who don't care to understand, who would, because it was brought to their attention, use it as amunition against your daughter.

What I suggest, from being in your daughters position at the same age, is having a classroom discussion about birth defects, or any other thing that makes people different, without using you or your daughter as the the topic of discussion. You want these kids to be tolerant of everyone's differences, not draw attention to yours. Some of the kids will completely miss the "tolerance" message and just hear "xyz's mom has a birth defect".

I wish you and your family luck. I truly believe it's the parents of these children who need the tolerance lesson, they learned it from somewhere.

:)

[davsand]

13. Thank you for that, sherrem!

You raise a point that I'd not considered. In trying to teach kids (and in trying to help my kid) it never occurred to me that it could have a terrible impact on her by pointing out HOW different I am. (It really isn't like I have a third eye or an arm growing out of my forehead-ya know? I'm really NOT that odd to look at--but kids pick up on everything.)

Wow, how devastating would THAT be to have Mom embarrass her in front of her buddies...

My husband and I already are a bit different simply because of who we are--we are openly Democratic party members and THAT is odd in this area. We are not people who manicure the yard and devote a lot of time to flowers and shrubs. We are not people who worry about wearing dress cloths every day to take her to school. I work in the local government and my husband is a computer consultant to non-profits. As a result, a lot of people where we live have NO idea what to think of us.

I can only imagine what these kids have heard at home--maybe from parents who were my tormentors when we were kids here so many years ago...



Laura

[CornField]

14. This reminds me of Brenda

Several years ago I lived in an apartment complex and one of my neighbors was a girl named Brenda. Brenda was a beautiful girl. Seriously, when she would walk down the grocery store aisle, every guy (and most of the girls) in the place would turn to get a better look.

One night, she and I were having a glass of wine and she said, "I know that everyone thinks I'm beautiful, but I'm the person who has to get up every morning, look in the mirror and know all the shitty things I've done."

It's true what you said to your daughter: All of us have our scars. Some are just easier to hide than others.

I hope you go to the class and give your talk. I think even second graders can understand feelings, respect and differences. Good luck!

[fortyfeetunder]

15. I think it's a good idea

Recommend not going at it alone, maybe have a "panel" of 2-3 other people.