Down and out at Yuletide

[eilen]

My spouse and I are both just feeling tired and old lately. He has been feeling unwell and I am feeling older than my age. We both need to eat better and exercise more but we just feel so tired and loggy and very "what's the use". My spouse has been out of work since September and is now worried that physically he won't be able to handle it if he does go back. He has asthma and the cold weather is causing a lot of chest tightness. In the past 4 years he would be out of state-- down South this time of year as he travels to find work. This year there is no work anywhere. My new job was lagged a month so I thought it is good, I can enjoy a little time off. The depression that my husband is going through though is really affecting me too. The only job on the recorder at the union hall offers a 4 day job the first week of the new year. I have to wonder -- where are the stimulus jobs we were promised? NY unemployment has not paid my husband a check in 6 weeks because part of last year he worked in Indiana, who screwed up his SSN and even though he has provided copies of all his paystubs, NY states that Indiana gets 6 weeks to provide his wages by mail. He called Indiana and they communicate everything over the internet and email. NY does not. So he has been without income since the beginning of November.

Since November we have had medical expenses-- mostly dental related. I had vision and dental insurance but they only cover 40-50% and that is only on covered services. My husband requires scaling as a routine procedure d/t genetics (bad gums). They don't cover that. $500 for the three of us to get teeth cleaned. Insurance covered $140. My son needed his wisdom teeth removed. That was $2084. Insurance covered $1040. I had an annual gyn and mammogram, they don't even accept my insurance (BCBS) and the price was $209, the ins. co. covered $34 of the mammogram. I do have an HSA so they said they would send a form to be reimbursed for the gyn but I still had to pay it up front. My BCBS say I still have a $1,300 in deductible which resets in January. Then my son needed a new eye exam and glasses which was $200 (with 25% BCBS discount?!). His vision really changed. Now my dh's car just dropped its muffler and he has a truck which just decided not to start.

I hate to whine because at least we have been able to pay our bills and keep up with everything although we used savings and at least we have a roof over our head and food to eat. The insurance at least paid something and it could have been worse. But I have to think about what we are facing with the new HCR, the products of which are much like what I currently have and how it is not affordable in the least because the costs are so high. I just don't see it getting better in my personal instance and see that for many people, they will continue to not be able to fill prescriptions and will put off going to the doctor and not get their annual pap/mammograms (I certainly won't for another 3 years). It just all makes me feel sad and old.

The Christmas season.... Well I am concentrating on Yule and honoring qualities rather than being concerned about sending cards and providing gifts for people. We have sent gift cards to all immediate family members (paid for through our rewards credit card-- my husband uses it for when he is traveling so we rack up the points), purchased a few items for our teenage son and braved the snow for our feast menu for Christmas Eve and Day. My husband wants Christmas to be kind of like Thanksgiving. Our family all live far away in other states and we can't afford to travel this year. The whole materialistic mania of this holiday is depressing. People are so rude to each other in the grocery store. I haven't been shopping ... in the mall or the discount stores so have been spared that experience. On the one hand I prefer to see consumerism brought down, on the other hand, I don't want more people put out of work and starving. There has to be another way. I guess in my rambling way I am trying to describe my despair at the world and life in general and wondering if others feel the same way.

[Helga Scow Stern]

1. Hearing you and sending love

I will also add that although I know nothing about asthma, a healer I respect from Jemez Pueblo had us gathering anything camphorific and then boiling it gently, then putting our heads under a blanket or towel enclosing the steam. I think using any local plants with this property is the key. Not to give medical advice, but this has come up a lot in the past two days, and I wondered who it might be for.....

[Kind of Blue]

2. I hear you because I've never really been into Christmas.

It's always been overwhelming for me. I'm basically fine all year round, then comes the end and, you know...

Right now, I'm taking it one day at a time and grateful that I can pay bills - many times late, can see though I badly need a new prescription, have use of my limbs - though I have chronic back pain, and have a love ones in my life - though they can be trying, and I really do find fullness in my days - though our income has been reduced.

I guess ultimately I decided that nothing outside of myself (or within for that matter) will take over again as we continue to struggle. I won't let what I can't control dominate my mood - and really get into what I can do. I guess the only thing that pisses me off is never enough time to explore what I want as much I want due to constantly fighting what's coming from the outside.

Maybe that's the bottom-line for me, there's always going to be incoming but how to handle it and not let the joy for living dissipate.:hug:
:pals: