my middle sister's phone call last week

[northernlights]

now I know the reason. I found a message tonight on my answering machine from my father. It's the first time he's contacted me directly since 20 years ago, when he showed up at my door unannounced because he "just wanted to visit with me"...when he really was trying to enlist my aid in taking (stealing) custody of his grandson.

Anyway, that in itself was very sad. I didn't recognize his voice at all.

My eldest sister Kathy is dying of cancer and wants to talk to me. The message said, "She doesn't want to contact her father." :cry: Of course, I will call her tomorrow. I am so sad. I love my sisters, it's so sad that there was so much rage and violence in our upbringing that we can't be around each other. I can be around them, but Pam hates me and Kathy was just always so full of rage (she was horribly abused by my mother) that it was too painful for her to have reminders of our childhood around to bring all the rage to the surface. And then she takes it out on me. I can take it now; I couldn't 20-30 years ago when I was in clinical, suicidal depression most of the time. It was just more abuse from my mother, by proxy.

This contact with my father is so sad. :cry: I know he did the best he could, but how do you deal with someone who looked the other way, who added mental abuse, who committed a financial crime in my name and left me stuck with the penalty? And who only contacted me directly a couple times, and then it was never really about me. I don't feel anger at all any more. Just sadness at our sad, sad, sad family.

Anyway, I will call Kathy tomorrow. Please, any strength you can send me I need now. It's hard to imagine, with our parents living so bloody forever long, that Kathy would not make 65.

[teenagebambam]

1. Strength and peace to you!

Sounds like you've done well with making peace with the past. I hope you are able to guide your sister to the same peace!

[Kookaburra]

2. Aw sweetie

:hug:
Sending love and light and strength to you and your family.

[Kind of Blue]

3. I'm so very sorry to hear about your sister.

Sending now, Northernlights :hug:

[get the red out]

4. Bless your soul

I am sorry for all this, what a journey. Prayers for you. What hell you have experienced on this planet.

[OneGrassRoot]

5. ...

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[Celebration]

6. oh, gosh

Take care! There are really no words............

:grouphug:

[japple]

7. Dear northerlights, I am asking the Universe to send comfort and

peace to you and your family. May you be surrounded with a blanket of light.

:hug:

[u4ic]

8. Much light to you

Perhaps this may lead to some healing for many of your family members, bringing old wounds to the surface to finally be dealt with. Tragedies like this can sometimes do that.

Whether it does or doesn't, it sounds like you've been through a lot and have done a lot of healing on your own. That takes an immense amount of courage. Contacting your sister does, too. Much light to you both. :hug:

[rosesaylavee]

9. Peace to you...

and much love. :hug:

[northernlights]

10. thank you all for your support, love and strength...

I was awake much of Thursday night; in my half-sleep, half-meditative trance I "spoke" with Kathy, remembering how when I was very little, she and Pam would swing me in the freshly washed sheets before folding them. And how she gave me riding lessons on her horse. My 1st canter, with her yelling sit down and her Irish steeplechase jockey boyfriend yelling stand up, as I happily bounced up and down. I realized I couldn't create her image in my mind, and then her face, as I last remember it, came through clearly. And I "saw" her lying in bed as she is now, and I sat with her and stroked her hair. And I bathed her in love and light.

I realized Friday morning I was too exhausted and stressed to call her right away. I decided it made more sense to wait until the weekend, when I'd had more time to digest the news, to rest, and to talk to her. I called my MLT program director to ask a question about the lab schedule, ask her if I could put her down as a job reference (yes) and gave her a heads up about my news. It was the first time I'd said the words out loud to another person, and I could barely speak. I was too emotional to even think of trying to talk to her. I had done a little research and confirmed that her 2nd marriage had lasted. So I also figured if I called on a Saturday, I'd possibly get her husband Mike first, and get more info on her situation, and just be more braced for it.

So I called around 2 this afternoon and she answered the phone. My bitter, raging unhappy sister who rode horses and danced with the top ballet teacher in Philadelphia has been replaced with a worn out, sweet woman with the voice of a young girl. Worn out is how she sounded and worn out was how she described herself before she even became ill. There were no recriminations, no recalling the past, other than her talking about how she'd never been very healthy, but ignored it until she couldn't ignore it any more. And how years ago her mil (a retired nurse) suggested celiac disease based on her symptoms. So she went on a gluten-free diet and that helped her quite a bit for some time. She had managed to teach Montessori for years (I'd always wondered. The last I remembered she would get migraine headaches from being around the screaming kids) and she loved it. But then she said she just was worn out. Just worn out. So she stopped teaching.

They've told her the last treatment -- next week -- will not be so bad as the prior one. She lives in a house by a lake with her husband and a chocolate lab. She said she's lived a peaceful, quiet kind of life. She has been to Maine several times and loves my favorite village up here. We talked about 20 minutes and then she said she was tired and needed to rest. But she was able to write down my phone number and address and of course I will be calling her back.

She assumed Pam had filled me in on all the details, and I didn't want to burden her with my non-relationship. So I still don't know for sure what kind of cancer she has, although based on what little she told me I'm guessing colon. And I don't know how much time they're giving her or any details. I'm thinking now I will call Pam, but I'll wait until Monday so I can leave a message without having to talk to her. That way, if she still hates me, she can just leave me a message giving me the information I need to know how to proceed. I also gave my boss a heads up at work...I'm thinking if I can manage it, I'll try to find a week to drive down to NJ to spend some time with her. It would help to know how much time she has, and at this point I have no idea...

Again, thank you all for your support. :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[I Have A Dream]

11. Much love to you, northernlight.

I'm glad that your communication with Kathy was such a positive experience in terms of reconnecting.

:loveya:  :hug:

[Celebration]

12. Oh,

I think it would be really healing for you both if you got to visit her. I hope that all works out. Thanks for the update. I'm sending good vibes to you both. :hug:

[WhiteTara]

13. my arms are around you

I know what sad, sad families are like. I had to set my birth family aside years ago because they were so abusive and neglectful of me.

[northernlights]

14. thank you, WT...

:hug: :hug: :hug: I wonder sometimes how many of those of us on the spiritual path were driven there by abusive and neglectful families.

I'm processing stuff at lightening speed now. One thing I was sad to realize, after speaking to my sister, that all those times she refused to come visit me were another lie. She and her husband have visited Maine several times over the past 20 years. In driving there, they would have passed within 45 minutes of so of where I lived then, and 10 minutes of where I live now. Not once did contact me and suggest even stopping off and getting together for lunch or dinner. :shrug: I also realized that the 2 happy memories I wrote above are literally the *only* happy memories I have of her. All the rest involve physical and mental and emotional abuse. So I will cherish my two happy memories...the rest have burned out. I cannot help her much, since we are lightyears and worlds apart. But I will do what I can, with ease and some joy.

[MorningGlow]

15. Oh, NL this is so sad

All of it, I mean. Been following your thread and sending you and your sisters light.

Your past has been awful, but please do whatever else you can for Kathy while she's still on this earth--and even see how Pam is these days. Perhaps you can forgive them, perhaps not, but deciding to visit Kathy is very wise. You will appreciate your efforts after she's gone.

Sending more light in the hopes that you and your sisters will be able to heal as much as possible--even just a little bit. And please remember, though it's the hardest thing in the world to do, that both your sisters are in reality pure beings of loving light, and this hard lifetime may have been spent untying karmic knots or perhaps just choosing to experience negativity for a lifetime. It's hard to imagine from where we stand, I know. :hug:

[northernlights]

16. thank you MG

they are long since forgiven. :hug: Pam hates me because she was taught to.

I'm sad at Kathy's life, and as I wrote, I'll do what I can for her. But even talking to her for 15 minutes was like tiptoeing around a minefield. I realized in retrospect that I could say the most innocent thing...such as telling her about how I rescued Algiers during the recession in '87, suddenly, "There was a recession under Reagan? There wasn't a recession under Reagan. The recession was under Carter..."

Um, ok. So to avoid anything provoking her underlying rage, I jump to a new topic. But that's how it is. And then, we're talking about how much we love our dogs, and she's going on and on about her chocolate lab, how smart he is, how he eats stones and needed surgery so now must wear a muzzle when outside, how they live on a lake but can't let him swim because he'll just keep going, how he's digging under the steps...and suddenly without warning she flipped from the sweet loving voice into growling rage at and hate for him. Just for a moment. And then she caught herself and turned if off and we went back to going on about how we love our dogs.

And so I tiptoed around the minefield until she was too tired to talk any longer. But it's hard because I never know what will provoke her. The simplest enjoyment of our dogs can derail without warning...

Her exhaustion is now caused by her illness and chemo. But the exhaustion she suffered all her life...it was all a result of repressed rage that desperately needs expression. It takes enormous energy to repress anger, and it depletes you totally, robbing you of energy that could be used productively. My mother once said her biggest mistake in raising us was not allowing us to express our anger. Close. Her biggest mistake was subjecting us to her ongoing rage and abuse. Her second biggest mistake was not allowing us to express our rightful anger in response to her abuse. I spent years in therapy getting in touch with my rightful (out)rage and trying to learn to channel it. Kathy refused to look back.

As a result, the abuse Kathy suffered punished her for her entire life. The repression of her rage against it is what poisoned her body and is ending her life.

[MorningGlow]

17. I completely understand

In my family, the one with repressed rage is my aunt (my mom's sister), the fundie-Catholic, far-right wingnut who worships Limbaugh, Beck, and O'Reilly. Her repressed rage came from taking care of my uncle who suffered for eight years with prostate cancer. After he died, her rage was epic. She retreated to the bosom of the Church (I always say if this were the Middle Ages she would have entered a convent) but didn't get any grief therapy. IMO, the Church did her a vast disservice, merely telling her it was "God's will" and describing how my uncle is better off in heaven and she'll join him there soon etc. etc. etc. They did their best, but she needed more help than they could provide.

And like you and your sisters, I can't converse with her for the very same reason--I know that minefield well. Too well. I don't talk with her very often at all, and when we do, we stick to superficial topics, but like your sister, she slips and brings up some topic she can rage about (with her, of course, it's politics--whatever she's heard on Faux Nooz lately); sometimes she catches herself and backs off, but sometimes I have to walk away if she slides too far into the whirlpool of rightwingspeak (before I say something I'll regret!) I worry about the near future--she never had any children, and I'm going to have to be there for her when she gets infirm. It's going to be very, very tough. :(

[northernlights]

20. I'm sorry for that

I was afraid I might have to drop everything and figure out how to care for Kathy, but one of the things she was able to do was get a husband who could care for her, and she was able to protect the (2nd) marriage from my parents. She always said she loved her MIL, who from brief descriptions sounded like the opposite of my mother. So she has lived a peaceful last few decades, without having to worry about finances when she couldn't work any more.

Like your aunt, she is right wing, although I'm not sure how far right she has veered. I avoid anything regarding politics with her, but sometimes she can skew an innocent statement into politics. So I tiptoe around because at this point, she doesn't need to go to that place of rage. Her rage is that of a child who was brutalized. She once told me she remembered as a toddler being picked up by her hair and bounced off walls. So I also can't reminisce with her about some great period of time we had together. She needs to stay in a place of peace and contentment as much as possible.

[WhiteTara]

19. those are words of great wisdom

thanks...even if the comment was directly sent to dear NL. I am so happy to have my ASAH family to help me stay on my chosen path.

Before enlightenment, chopping wood and carrying water. After enlightenment, chopping wood and carrying water.
Bright Blessings on us all.

[WhiteTara]

18. I often thought that I was being "prodded"

because I am/was spiritually lazy. Something about adversity being a great teacher. Fortunately I have chosen a thrive, rather than survive, mentality. Right now, my life is pure bliss when I live in the moment.

:hug: