What do you do when you don't know what to do?

[I Have A Dream]

I have a situation where I truly don't know what to do. I feel as though I will be damned if I do and damned if I don't. :(

Recently, I've had several situations where I know that I did what my higher self told me to do, but when people look at it after the fact without the exact situation being in their faces in the same way that it was in mine at the time, they can't understand.

One example is with a friend whose son was struck with a mysterious illness very suddenly. It was unknown if this young man was going to die. Because of this, his parents didn't know what they were going to do money-wise since they had to be available to take him wherever he needed to go at any time. (Maybe even to see out-of-state doctors.) Both of his parents are self-employed, and money is very tight for them even under normal circumstances. Both of his parents are my friends.

The father of this young man approached my husband and me to see if we could lend him a rather large amount of money during this time. He was very distraught -- he was actually weeping. We completely trust this person and knew that we'd be repaid. However, he indicated that he didn't want his wife to know because he didn't want to concern her about money being even tighter than she knew on top of the stress that she was feeling in reference to her son. He felt that this would just make what she was going through even more difficult. My husband expressed his concern about not telling her, but, in the end, we lent him the money without her knowledge.

The money was paid to us over the course of eight months or so, and a final large check was given to us to pay off the loan. Very soon after that, his wife found out about the loan. She was very angry at him, and she is angry at me as well. I can completely understand how she feels (I wouldn't like such a thing to be done behind my back), but given the situation as it was at the time, I felt that we were doing the correct thing. However, when she found out about it, she wasn't in the heat of the moment as we were when we agreed to the loan.

How do you know? I strongly suspect that I made the wrong decision in this particular situation. (I'll take the blame because my husband was in favor of her being told.) However, it didn't feel like the wrong decision at the time.

:(

[Ricochet21]

1. It's not possible to make the wrong decision.

That's how God works, I think. He/She influenced you AT THE TIME. That was the truth of the moment. I suspect the wife is ultimately upset because of "ego" reasons.

[I Have A Dream]

2. Well, this keeps happening to me. (OK, maybe 3 times, but still...)

What's the lesson? I truly feel as though I'm doing the correct things when I do them.

I've never felt as though I had to second-guess myself before. :(

[Kookaburra]

4. IHAD, is it always the same type thing?

Friends feeling like you betrayed them or conspired against them?

If so, maybe the lesson is to be true to what you know is right, regardless of whose feelings will be hurt. What you did was kind and loving, but perhaps if she'd known about it, she would have refused the money. Just a guess, as I don't know her.

Honor your truth and do what you know to be the right thing, and if others are upset by it, then that is their decision and they need to work through that.

[I Have A Dream]

16. I don't think that anyone felt as though I was deliberately...

doing something to hurt them. They just haven't agreed with my decisions, even though I felt very clearly that they were the right ones to make.

I have always acted on what I felt the Universe was asking me to do, and it certainly hasn't always been easy, but I have never before had people who I respected and cared about feel so strongly that the decision that I made was the wrong decision. I will continue to listen and act where I'm drawn to do so; I'll just have to hope that I'm getting a clear message. (It has felt very clear even for these situations.) I'm just sad to think that I've caused distress where I have.

Thank you for your input, Kookaburra. I really appreciate it.

[Kookaburra]

28. Sorry you're having such a hard time

:hug:

[OneGrassRoot]

5. IHAD....

:hug:

We seem to go through similar huge internal struggles at the same time. :(

And, we also seem to be going through things we've never gone through before...in a pattern...and we're having to learn how to do things very different than perhaps we've done them before.

Just a few days ago I was faced with a truly life-and-death situation and had to (no, correction: I CHOSE to) take a deep breath and really pay attention to what I was feeling and what my heart was really saying before proceeding.

The thing is, I really feel that, given what you've shared here, you absolutely did nothing even remotely wrong! You gave it thought, opened your heart, and you followed your intuition.

That won't always mean it's received as intended...but it's what you can live with that's most important.

And, to me, so long as you were mindful (you were...you gave careful consideration of all aspects of the decision), and so long as you made the decision coming from a place of love, not fear, you did your absolutely best! And that's all we can do in each and every moment.

You did your best. Even if this is coming up repeatedly, perhaps the issues lie with the others...and there is nothing for you to learn, other than learning that it's okay to follow your heart and go with your gut instinct, even if others don't appreciate it or disagree with the outcome.

I'm growing accustomed to failing people. There is literally no way I can make everyone happy and do all that needs to be done, in the way or in the time frame others need it done (or in the way or time frame my own ego needs it done). I'm having to accept that, in others' eyes, I am failing them.

What I'm really growing to accept is that I am doing my best, and so long as that's the case, I can live with these perceived "failings."

Hope that makes sense...and I hope it helps a little.

:hug:

:loveya:

[I Have A Dream]

17. OGR, you're going through so much more than I am.

Thank you so much for everything that you said. Like you, I don't want to disappoint anyone, but sometimes there's no way around it. I have learned to say 'No' in the past, which was a very big thing for me since I tend to want people to be happy. I'll just have to learn from this as well and then move forward. I hope that this pattern doesn't continue for long though.

I'm sorry to hear that you had the situation that you had a few days ago. I hope that everything is OK now. :(

:hug:

[davsand]

35. OGR and IHAD, I think you both need to cut yourself a break.

We all end up sometimes in a place where we do what we think is right at the time, and it is later (after the fact)that something else comes up that makes us think we "failed" or we let somebody down. If you have truly done what you think is the right thing, and if you can cleanly say to yourself that you were trying to act in a way that was positive, then I think maybe the issue is outside of YOU, rather than your problem. It might sound kinda hardcore to phrase it this way, but you just cannot let other people's expectations or their ISSUES dictate what your morals need to be.

I sometimes call that the "shoulda-woulda-coulda game" but it is never a game and it really can leave you paralyzed if you take it to heart. You gotta let the "guilt" go--OK?

Peace and hugs to you both. You are two wonderful people and you deserve far more care than you sometimes get.

:hug: :hug:


Laura

[Kookaburra]

3. Do you think perhaps once she's had a chance to think about it

Once she's had a chance to consider why you didn't tell her, maybe she'll understand? I agree with Rick on this one: it feels like she's letting her ego react. She's operating from a place of pride, and maybe once her husband explains to her why he requested you not tell (right or wrong -- who is to say?), she'll understand that you and he were only trying to spare her the extra stress.

[I Have A Dream]

6. It's been about 6 months already.

I don't think that it's going to happen.

I'm willing to let the friendship go if that's what she needs. I think that she feels that I've deceived her even though there was no benefit whatsoever for me in the situation.

I need to understand how I'm supposed to know the right thing to do. I'm not expecting anyone to really be able to answer this.

I guess the real issue for me is that it breaks my heart to know that I've disappointed a friend, even though I feel that I did the right thing. I guess life isn't always fair. :(

[kimmerspixelated]

7. Give yourself a break, and take a deep breath.

During this stressful time,(yours)-you must try to stay as far away from regret and blame as possible.
This is a tough one, granted. But I also agree with Rick. Consider that you were acting from your heart.
That's always the right thing. You're an earth/angel, remember that.:hug:

[I Have A Dream]

18. Thank you, kimmer.

I'm just going to try to think that everything happens for a reason, especially when you're doing the best that you can.

Thank you for your support; I really appreciate it. :hug:

[kimmerspixelated]

27. You Betcha!

[MagickMuffin]

8. If it has been this long since the fallout and it is still bothering you

Then I think perhaps you might try to send her Loving Healing Light. It sounds as though she really needs it. Sometimes we act out of concern for our family and friends and really don't expect the fallout of our actions. You did what you thought would help her child. You didn't do it for anyone's approval. So, the lesson is even though you did what was best considering the circumstances, there is always a possibility that someone might not agree with you or your actions.

Please don't let this eat you up or consume your loving Spirit. You did what you thought would help the child, not what you thought of the consequences of not informing the wife. The husband should have had the foresight to inform him of his actions and why he chose to do so.

And if this is still having an impact on you and your relationship with your girlfriend then send her a letter letting her know how disappointed this whole affair has affected you and how you were only trying to help her child during an emergency.

Best of Luck to you, Light and Love heading your way as you deserve it :hug:

[I Have A Dream]

19. Thank you so much, MagickMuffin.

As always, I greatly appreciate your sharing your wisdom with me. I don't know if my friend and I will ever reconnect, but I do care about her, so I hope that she is ultimately able to see the situation as it was at the time and realize that we would only have done what we did because we cared.

Thank you for the light and love. :hug:

[Celebration]

9. I'm trying to put myself in her situation

I would be ticked off at my husband for not telling me, but certainly would not be ticked off at YOU. She'll either get over it or she won't, and it is beyond your control. And I also agree with Rick. What is supposed to happen, happens.

I generally just go with my gut on decisions. It seems to work as well as logic. Well, I work through the logic first, and if I can't make up my mind just go with my gut!

I don't really think that there is much of a lesson in this for you, but perhaps there is for the other couple. If so, feel good that your action helped facilitate that. Hard for me to comment on the other things that you say have happened, since I don't know what they are.

You are very generous and yes you need a big hug. :hug:

[BanzaiBonnie]

10. I agree, it might not be your lesson

Perhaps it's only for you to notice this - even when we endeavor to make the best decision possible at the time, we don't know and don't control the outcome of how other people respond. Carry on loving your friend but be willing to let her go if she can't get past this. It's difficult. I'm sorry it hurts.

[I Have A Dream]

21. Thank you, Bonnie.

It doesn't hurt so much that I'm losing a friend as it does to think that I've caused her pain. I hope that she's able to get past that.

Thank you for sharing things from your perspective, which I greatly respect.

:hug:

[I Have A Dream]

20. I think that the fact that she's so angry with me is what surprised me.

I almost feel as though she thinks that we colluded against her, but why would she think that we would do that? We've never had an issue in the past, so there's not been any kind of precedent that would make her inclined to think that way. I really wish that I could see it through her eyes for just a couple of minutes. I do suspect that it's just that she's not able to see things as they were at that time.

Thank you for going through it logically with me. As a left-brained person, that means a lot to me. Thank you also for the hug. :hug:

[Flying Dream Blues]

11. IHAD, I just want to offer a big hug..

There is already so much loving wisdom in this thread. You followed your heart and respected the wishes of the person who came to you for help. So the decision was to give willingly and openly, and the conditions of your gift by the recipient were that you kept it a secret. All you did was give, and honor his wishes...he placed that condition on the gift of the loan, not you.

I agree that your friend is acting out of ego, a misplaced sense of betrayal. This probably stems from something in her past and has nothing to do with you. I am sorry that she is not able to see your loving gift for what it was, but it is not about you-- I truly believe that.

I know you are in pain, but I hope you can do as others suggested and send loving, healing light to her and also to yourself. Let any remorse, hurt or self-blame go, because it really doesn't belong to you. You are such a treasure as a friend, and I hope she comes around so you can both have that back.

Lots of love and light to you, and peace, my friend.

:loveya:

:hug:

[I Have A Dream]

22. Thank you, FDB.

As always, you've made me feel so much lighter and happier. Thank you for being you and for sharing your light with me. I will do my best to follow your recommendations. I want to do whatever I can to understand this pattern so that I can get past it.

:hug:

[BlueIris]

12. FWIW, I don't think you or hubby (or other hubby) made the wrong decision there.

And I can't believe she's mad. If it were me and it had been about my sick kid, I think I would be able to get over it. Without getting mad. It's not like the three of you killed someone and didn't tell her. Hopefully, in time she will be able to understand.

Re: knowing what to do...if all else fails, I will do what I think I should. Most of the time, that works, occasionally, it doesn't. But when it doesn't, what can you do? No one can be right 100% percent of the time.

[I Have A Dream]

23. Thank you, BlueIris.

I love your common sense approach to things. I really appreciate your take on the situation.

The weird thing is that I didn't at all want or expect any type of appreciation, but I didn't expect something that was done out of concern for her family to turn so ugly. The world is strange sometimes. :(

[Kind of Blue]

13. IHAD, first of all, a great big hug!

I was raised with the idea that giving means no conditions attached for recipient, that if you have, give and expect nothing back. So I would have done the same thing, especially in a desperate situation. And what a great man, he kept his promise and paid you back!
I think the communication problem lays with he and his wife and not with you and the wife.

You'd feel badly if you demanded he tell his wife before lending - making his stress worse; you'd feel bad if you told her with or without his knowledge. You'd feel bad if you didn't have the money to give. You'd feel bad if you had the money and didn't give. Every way I see it, you'd feel bad. You were in between a rock and a hard place and it seems to me the only desire on your part was to help in any way possible in their son's recovery.

You did it in hopes of the highest good of all involved. You made life easier for the family and to me, the wife is making the only important outcome in this situation not the boy's life but her anger. I think she needs time to think and she'll either calm down or not.

I think you need time away from her too because maybe you're blaming yourself for the degree of her anger, which you could not predict nor control.

I say you did the right thing by not hesitating to give from the heart and the wallet to a family in dire straits. :hug: :hug: :hug:

[I Have A Dream]

24. Awww, Blue...

:cry:

(Thank you, my friend. :hug:)

[rosesaylavee]

14. You did the loving thing to do...

You honored his wish and it was based in kindness and compassion. I agree with others up thread that this is her deal/not yours. She may be working thru a perceived shame related to not having money and she may have already come out of it and not know how to make amends.

I would have done the same as you and your husband have done. It may take awhile for her to sort it out but keep the faith, it will happen. Money is an awful thing to NOT have - cuts into all sorts of identity issues, self-worth issues, security/fear issues. I have been on the receiving end of a sum of money in time of trouble too. The whole scene can get very convoluted and wrapped with emotional pain... I can imagine too that her initial reaction may not be what she is feeling now ~ but how to undo what she has done? Where does she start?

I bet you have done this already but have tried imagining her in a white light and praying for the highest good?

Many hugs to you IHAD... you are such a beacon of light to so many people here and I am sure in your life too. Be well and be kind to yourself. Be patient as she sorts this out.

[I Have A Dream]

25. Thank you, rosie.

Thank you so much for your sweet, kind words. I have tried to imagine myself insisting upon her being told. All that I can see is an intense amount of stress that would have been caused to both her and him. I really don't think that I could have won in this situation. However, it just popped into my head that if it is between them feeling pain then and my having the fallout that I have right now, I made the right decision. I can handle this. Thank you for helping me to come to this conclusion.

:hug:

[Proud_Lefty]

15. Oh my God, my dear friend

You dealt from your heart, giving without ego, for the benefit of not only the parents, but for the life of the child. How could that be considered wrong? If this gal choses to turn her back on your incredibly beautiful soul, something dear will disappear from her heart and that's your light, Dream. Unfortunately, some people sabotage themselves away from the higher energies when it takes so much out of their lower energy consciousness. It's not a reflection of you, Dream. You just got caught in the middle of her drama. You are shining so bright and sometime the darkness just can't handle having to see it. I'm sending the mother lots of other light to help her eyes adjust and sometime see your true value. Boy, I can't miss it!

:loveya:

[I Have A Dream]

26. Thank you, PL.

She's a really good person; I don't want anyone to think otherwise. She just feels hurt right now. I need to let her go through it however she needs to. I need to not let my own ego get involved in reference to my response to her reaction. I have come to the conclusion that my initial decision was correct, and now I need to not feel as though I'm being victimized. Maybe she's still feeling pressure in reference to her son. Even though things have settled down in reference to her son's condition, she's still going through a great deal, I'm sure.

My lesson is that I just need to let things happen as they happen without trying to control the outcome. I need to trust that the Universe will have things work out for the highest good even if we are no longer friends.

PL, you're such an amazing friend. Thank you for your love and support which you always give so freely. :hug:

[northernlights]

29. you did the right thing, IHAD

It was the husband's place to tell his wife about the loan, not yours. If she will let you, tell her you didn't know what to do given the situation, but that you wanted to help her son in any way you could, and those were the conditions placed on your help. That you understand her anger and hope she will forgive you for not telling her and that you hope she'll understand that your heart was in the right place.

And then let it go. It's up to her to come to gratitude for your help and friends like you, as opposed to anger for not doing things the exact way she would have preferred. :hug: :hug: :hug:

[I Have A Dream]

30. Thank you, northernlights.

Your take on the situation means a lot to me.

:hug:

[lildreamer316]

31. Wow. What angels on earth you and husband are!

What a wonderful gift, to be able to give and also to receive!
I am in awe of your souls.

I'm so sorry that she is not comfortable with this, and that you are hurting. I think maybe there is some other issue here, for her. I haven't a clue what that might be, however.

I do second the idea of a letter or some form of communication to, once and for all, let her know exactly how you feel. It's possible that just even writing it down (even just what you've already done here) will resolve some of it for you.

And then take a deep breath and let it go.

You never know, it could come back around....


Many years ago when I was just a few years into my dancing experience, I made some very bad errors in judgment while trying to meet my emotional needs. This resulted in hurting a couple of people's feelings very badly. I know this isn't the same thing, but you get the idea. It seemed that one of these people would never forgive me.
About two months ago, I realized that this person had asked to be my friend on FB..and when I accepted, I received a nice message from her saying she was glad to see me. I literally cried with relief and gratefulness, even though I had understood and forgiven myself a long time ago.

So it's never over..remember that too. Even though you did nothing wrong and actually did something very loving, her perception of it is for some reason skewed, and she will need time to process. My friend took years...but it did happen.

What a gift you and your husband are to us! I say again...

:hug: :loveya:

P.S. If this were done to help my son. I don't think I could ever begin to show you how grateful I would be. Maybe that's the problem, it's almost too much for her to accept and so she's chosen to distance you b/c there's no way to comprehend the immensity of your generosity? I dunno, but it's as good an explanation as any. Maybe she feels guilty or this seemed to 'unman' her (if that makes any sense)? Eh I'm fishing a bit here. :shrug:

[I Have A Dream]

32. lildreamer, thank you so much for your very kind words.

What we did is what many people here would do if they could. We really had nothing to lose by doing it because we knew that we'd be paid back.

Yes, I need to think about whether I want to take action. You are correct that working through things in this thread has really helped me. I could feel my thinking process change as I responded to each wise post from my friends here.

Thank you so much for sharing what happened to you on Facebook. I'm so happy for you! :hug:

[Brewman_Jax]

33. Understandable

:hug: and that was very kind of you and your husband to do, esp. considering the circumstances.

There are those "damned if you do..." moments, and they're never any fun. :( One thing I have found, if after doing said thing , your heart is at peace and you can sleep with relative ease, it was the right thing to do.

P.S. I hope that all is well with them and you are all friends again.
:hi:

[I Have A Dream]

34. Brewman, I completely agree.

This really is the bottom line: "...if after doing said thing , your heart is at peace and you can sleep with relative ease, it was the right thing to do."

Thank you! I really appreciate your good wishes and wise words. :hug:

[MorningGlow]

36. You did nothing wrong--did everything right

Sorry I'm late to the party, Dream, but thought I'd share my $0.02. It seems your friend's anger is misdirected. She should have taken it up with her husband and not you.

She reminds me of my aunt, when she was nursing her husband through what ended up being terminal prostate cancer--the caretaker of a loved one is often traumatized, and of course under unbelievable amounts of stress. If they don't take the time for therapy and assistance to keep their heads on straight (and most of the time they don't bother because they're focused on their family member who is ill), they tend to...go off the rails. And part of that is their emotions are misdirected and out of proportion with what they're reacting to. It's quite alarming, really.

For instance, I remember once I came home from grad school and paid my usual visit to my aunt and uncle. At one point he was resting, and the house was quiet. My aunt and I were sitting at the kitchen table and, just to make small talk, I asked if she had heard about a cool story in the news--it was back when some people had put forth the suggestion that the secret behind Mona Lisa's smile was that it was a feminized version of Da Vinci himself--a little joke by the artist. I thought it would be a funny little diversion for her.

Well, she went COMPLETELY BALLISTIC--started screaming at me that it was a ridiculous suggestion and it was disgusting and on and on and on she went, leaving me completely shell shocked. I never forgot that. I knew she didn't really give a rip about what was behind the Mona Lisa, but she was so on edge emotionally because of my uncle's illness that her perceptions and responses were all out of whack.

It seems that your friend might also be on that sort of emotional high wire because of her son. She may end up evening out eventually, but then again she might not. It depends on her nature, her support system, and whether she gets professional help for her own stress. (My aunt just got crazier and crazier as the years went on, unfortunately, and now, many years after my uncle's death, she's a pinch-faced church lady who is the wackiest of right-wingers.)

I'm afraid I don't know how you can fix things with your friend--it depends on what's going on in her head right now, and in her life. Does the husband know what happened? Does he know how you feel? Is it possible he can help sort this out? :shrug:

In the meantime, do NOT feel guilty. Not one bit. You hear? :hug:

[WhiteTara]

37. I don't think there is anything to do IHAD

I think your friend has to come to some sort of conclusion on her own. People are very strange when you really help them. Most of the time, they are very ungrateful and behave just as your friend did. You know your heart was in the right place. You are not responsible for her reaction.