I should have posted here in the first place.

[murielm99]

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x9547132

My mother is doing some very hurtful things to me, again. Does anyone have any suggestions?

[Sienna86]

1. Advice...

Muriel,

Here is what I have learned in my life. You are never going to change another person. If she is narcissistic or has a personality disorder, then that statement is even more true. Learn to not make your happiness dependent on her or her actions. You also have no control over your siblings or adult children's interaction with her. Your children will have to make their own decisions, and perhaps it would be wise to encourage them to do so, independent of what you think is appropriate.

Visit your Dad and help him in any way you can. This situation is not fair and I am sorry your mother is serving her needs above everyone else's. I am so sorry her behavior is affecting you at this time of your Dad's illness.

[japple]

2. Dear Muriel, I'm sorry you are going through such turmoil and

heartache at this time, and am sending soothing energies in your direction. I think the reason your mother didn't call you is because she knows you are onto her game and she can get to you by excluding you. Spend time with your Dad and give him as much comfort as you can. As one of the posters in the lounge thread suggested, set up a phone tree and let your brothers inform you whenever there is a family crisis.

[WhiteTara]

3. I have thought a lot about your post and

in these sorts of situations in my life, my question is always, "What would Jill (my long term therapist) say?" For boundary setting -- something that was very difficult for me throughout my many years, she would say to use I messages.

This is the formula.

When______________

I feel ___________

because____________

I would like___________

If you do that, I will__________


When you feel comfortable with the above, you might move on to Whole Messages

I'm noticing______

I'm thinking to myself__________

I'm feeling _________ because _______________

I want _____________

I need ________________

So maybe in ths situation I would say,

When you tell everyone except me about a family situation I should and want to know about,
I feel angry, resentful and hurt
because I feel like an outsider in my own family
and I feel unloved by you
when you treat me this way.

I would like you to treat me as someone you respect and appreciate.
If you don't, then I will have to end my relationship with you.

But, you must not say something as an idle threat. You must be clear about your boundary, not only with the other, but with yourself.

Bright blessings on your difficult situation.

edited to add:
I messages are NOT
I feel like you are______
that is a you message. I messages only state what YOU are feeling about the other's behavior.
Good luck.

[northernlights]

4. a couple thoughts

First, your mother is going to continue to do what she does. It is only hurtful if you care. Stop caring about her or interacting with her except when you must, and be grateful to have her out of your life.

Do what you need to do to support your father, if that's what you want to do. Since you know what the situation with him is, it doesn't matter *which* family member updated you, as long as one of them did that's really all that matters.

As far as your mother's demands or requests of her grandchildren, how they handle it is up to them. As long as they are helping because the choose to, not because they fear the repurcussions of not helping if they don't choose to, that is their business and that is fine. Don't help your mother turn them into a weapon between the two of you. Just support whatever *they* choose for themselves and let them know that whatever *they* choose is fine. Fact is, given your mother's age, her grandchildren are adults and have a right to make their own decisions. Treat them as such.

I don't know what you mean by "I expect my family's support." That statement is wide open to many interpretations. Do you mean you believe they'll support you in your decisions and choices, eg not pass judgement, continue to update you on your father or any other family matters? Or do you mean something else by that statement?

[murielm99]

5. Thank you everyone.

When I said I expect my family's support, I should have clarified that. Usually, I tell my adult children that I have no wish to interfere in their relationship with their grandmother. I have a poor relationship with her, but they can do what they want.

For as long as I can remember, she has taken me or my brother and tried to isolate one or the other of us and tried to turn us into the family scapegoat. Usually, I have ignored it.

I expect them to see what is going on with her. I want them to be aware of it so they are not used in any way. I don't want my family harmed by her poisonous behavior. I know that if she had influence with them, she would turn them against me. She is always looking for a way, through money, gifts, flattery or lies.

Officially, I still know nothing. She has not called me. If I don't hear anything, I will talk to my brother this evening.

Again, I appreciate all the help from this group. I love you all.

[JanusAscending]

6. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.

Your circumstances make me THANK GOD for the wonderful, sweet loving mother that I had. I miss her so much since she's been gone. She always had the "sweetest spirit" and the only time it changed was once the dreadful Alzheimer's took over her mind. Once that happened, and before she lost the ability to communicate, she became a dreadful person that was not in the least like my Mom. If I had had to live with her the way she was in the nursing home...I would be in your shoes except for the siblings. I was an only child.

[PhillyGurl]

7. Sorry you are going through this

when the focus should be on your father and him getting well. :hug: I hope you are able to see him and visit without a big scene.

I am an only child, and my mother most likely has NPD, I can't be around her for extended periods of time, she just makes me crazy. I limit my exposure, get together when I feel strong, and try not to let her push my buttons. She is a handful, and oh so manipulative. My whole life it's been all about her: triangulating whenever she can, getting attention by being the drama queen. She even made my 25 y/o executor of her will because she went off her AD meds, cut me out of her will and felt like being spiteful. If I could divorce her I would! I've never trusted her moods, she is too inconsistent, and gets worse with age.

My counselor advised me to set firm boundaries, and only see her when I felt like I could deal with her. It's really sad because I feel like I can't go to her and just let my hair down, it's 2 minutes about me, and then all about her. I've pretty much given up, I know I will never change her, she is who she is, I just limit my dealings with her. She's been harping on me about the holidays already, and I have been non-comittal, so she says is going over to my ex-husband's (BTW that relationship was over 25 years ago!!)

You are not alone, I bet there are many of us with toxic parental issues, trick is to live your life, and try to not let them suck you into their own unhealthy behavior patterns. :grouphug: And I thank the universe that I don't have the same kind of relationship with my daughters!! Broke the chain.