After almost 20 years of misery I finally declared myself free.

[davsand]

For years I have dreaded holidays with a passion because it meant a trip to my husband's parents' house. His Mom passed a little over a year ago, and frankly, she was what kept that whole mess on the rails.

Hubby has one sister that pretends to be a spacey woman who blames EVERYTHING on her menstrual cycle, while in reality she is just a malevolent bitch. She is the one that last year told my 13 year old that I'm a witch, in spite of the fact that I have explained to her more than once that I have wanted my daughter to choose her own path in life, and that when I thought the time was right I'd tell her about that aspect of my life. Nuff said about her, I'd be happy if she'd just STFU most of the time.

My FIL is an absolute freak show that wants to argue about everything under the sun and control every aspect of life for his family--down to his demands that all pies be cut a specific way (Because it is the RIGHT way to cut them WHATEVER the hell that means...) Over the years, most of his demands have been easy enough to accommodate without causing a scene, so I just rolled with it. I'd squeegee the shower in the bathroom because it is what he asked us to do, and we'd all not use the hall bathroom at night because he could hear it. We'd walk to the extreme other end of the house in the freaking dark (because nightlights cost too much) and go potty at 3 am just to keep the peace.

Since my MIL died he has become increasingly out of control to the point that he's become actively abrasive with me. If it isn't that I used the wrong cookie sheet to put under a casserole dish, it is that he feels I am incapable of using the ice dispenser in the refrigerator door.

Last trip down he subjected me to a lecture about the "smell of poo-poo in the hallway" because he feels I do not use the bathroom exhaust fan correctly (WTF is the correct way to use a fart fan beside turn it on??) I left that house so incredibly offended I still can't talk about it without getting pissed off all over again. I think what makes it all so beyond control is the fact that when he was lecturing me about that stupid bathroom fan I had the feeling he was really grooving on it--like it gave him some kind of perverse pleasure. I still want to vomit when I think about it. I can't imagine EVER talking to anyone like that--let alone a guest in my home! This was so far beyond the pale I'm still scratching my head, and I'm not sure I'm ever gonna be able to go into that house and not take a case of Glade!

My husband is a good guy, and most of the time I feel like I am a very lucky woman when it comes to the husband lottery. However, this particular issue has been nothing but a huge problem in our marriage all these years. When I'd talk to him about his sister or his father the famous line was always, "that is just how _______ is." The meta message that I took from those discussions was always 'you need to just deal with it...'

Well, after the "poo poo" lecture last time, I heard "that is just how ________ is," ONE freaking time too many. I declared my independence from his family and announced that this is just how I am, and I'll be back to visit that family when monkeys fly out my ass...

I have spent the last couple days sleeping late, hanging with my mom, shopping, eating out--generally doing what I wanted to do without anyone trying to criticize my child-rearing, my cooking, or my ability to use a freaking bathroom fan. When I get up at night to go potty I am not hiking the length of the house in the dark, and best of all, I have not been angry or hiding in the bedroom this entire weekend!

Who KNEW? WHO FREAKING KNEW????

Wow.



Laura

[lildreamer316]

1. Love it.

You GO, woman. You know you don't need that! Enjoy yourself :) And good for you!

[davsand]

3. I'd leave that house tied up in knots and pissed at my husband--every time!

I'd go there for a "holiday" weekend, and literally, I'd be sitting there counting down how long it was gonna be before we could leave. I'd hide in the bedroom and read just so I didn't have to interact. One time, my FIL made a comment about how much I read, and my husband told him, "Laura only really reads that much when we are here." You'd THINK that might have registered, but it never did...

:banghead:

I am only sorry that it took me this long to take a stand.


Laura

[rosesaylavee]

2. Sounds like you made the right decision!

Congratulations! My mil was a controlling creature too and when she died, a niece married her emotional replacement in the family. I was able to deal with the manipulation, the snide remarks, the innuendo and the passive agressiveness from her but when this young person stepped in to do the same behavior for everyone, I opted out. Others agree but they have that same mantra 'that's just the way ________ is'... which is so unhealthy if someone is causing emotional pain in others on a regular basis. Denying pain is not a healthy thing to do and I don't care who they are anymore - I don't tolerate it for anyone. Fortunately my husband understands and agrees...

Good on you - congratulations. I think I know a little about that walk. And the bathroom fan - omg, what a jerk.

[davsand]

5. I can't begin to tell you how creepy that bathroom fan lecture was.

I walked away from that feeling like I'd been shown a porno flick or something--it was literally that weird to me. Hubby said he thinks I am just not willing to get over being embarrassed, but I just can't make him understand how disturbing it was. It was nasty, sleazy, and there was an element of it that went beyond my ability to describe it.

I told my husband that my presence clearly disturbs his father, his father's behavior disturbs me, and the best thing for all of us is that I just stay away from that house. I have stressed that he can visit any time he wants to go there, and he is welcome to stay as long as he wants to when he goes. I am not playing any more.

I'm waiting to hear what the astro folks have to say on this. I'm thinking somebody is gonna say it is the conjunction of my galactic chainsaw in the house of Lilith (or something like that, anyway...) but in reality it just felt like the time had come to say "see ya" to the bad behaviors.



Laura

[NuttyFluffers]

12. actually, instead of astrological, i think it's based in "raised consciousness"

like the stuff about Matthew's Messages about earth leaving 3rd density and stuff. basically positive people are disconnecting from negative energy, and negative people are seemingly disconnecting from positive energy. it's like our personal karma is kicking in hard core into feedback loops. some sections of the world'll just feed into themselves so much negative energy and then purge it all upon the land -- like vomiting all the poison and sickness out. and others, who don't feed sickness to the world, will just get tired of holding the hair back and being handmaiden to the sick in spirit.

it's a rather healthy disconnect from the bad energies. Gaia is now shedding the poison and sickness from Her, and likewise, people are shedding the poison and sickness in their lives. you just went forward with something you should have done long ago.

[mysticalchick]

22. YES!

totally this, NF. As soon as I read it, I could hear a very loud YESSS! in my head. I've been doing much the same - disconnecting from that which really disturbs me cough* mybitchcousin*cough) and my life is much better for not having to deal with her.

And you know, Laura, you made your stand exactly when it was time. I know you feel like you "should" have done it years ago but this came so organically from your own power that it feels right.

[elleng]

4. Excellent! Congrats!

Just had a similarly great Thanksgiving, different story entirely, but feel GREAT about it! Its a new world!

:D

[davsand]

6. I SAW that post. How cool, and I am so very happy for you!

I did read that thread and I am very, very, happy for you that it went so well. (I also saw your thread before, and I had wondered about how you'd come thru it.)

Here's to relaxed and HAPPY Holidays in both our futures!

:toast:



Laura

[elleng]

7. THANKS!

:fistbump:

[SheilaT]

8. There is something SERIOUSLY wrong

with that man. I'm not going to try to diagnose him, but I suspect he needs some sort of professional or chemical help.

All too often people are allowed to get away with totally unacceptable behavior with the excuse of, Oh, that's just the way that person is. Good for you for declaring your independence from being bullied like that.

And if any of the family complains to you about your not visiting, just say, "That's just the way *I* am."

[LiberalEsto]

19. I agree with you

At the very least, it sounds like a rampant case of obsessive-compulsive disorder.

I have a family member with OCD and it used to drive me crazy until I began learning that the person couldn't control his behavior. I still get annoyed with the behaviors, but I've given up trying to change him -- I just work my way around the behaviors.

With this f-i-l, however, I agree that refusing to allow yourself to fall victim to his control issues is the best way to deal with it.

[Kind of Blue]

9. I can only echo Lildreamer - You Go, Woman!

Isn't it wonderful :hug:

I had to break free of nasty SILs, I'm talking 4 women, my husband's sisters and 2 of the 3 brothers' wives. It was Great move because we eventually became good friends. Sometimes I can't believe I have 5 more sisters. Drew the line in the sand and just accepted that I Do Not Like Them. They all disliked our late FIL who was like a 2nd dad to me. I came into the picture late and they felt I had to go through a never-ending hazing and ingratiate myself for their acceptance because - guess what? - each one went through the same process started by the sisters!

After the ganging up at the last family reunion that broke me down in tears and there was no where to hide, I finally said F**k'em and was free - just stopped going to family stuff, followed by years of why doesn't KOB like us - :grr: One SIL didn't play that game and tried to warn me - but no, I didn't listen because I knew how it felt being under a militaristic dad. But I would cling to her like clue during gatherings :rofl:

Because of your action, Davsand, I wouldn't be surprised if some of your husband's relatives didn't start coming. But that doesn't matter, nothing to me is worth giving up your peace of mind and not spending a moment enjoying yourself with people you love and love you right back.

[OneGrassRoot]

10. Righteous!!!!

That gave me a huge smile first thing this morning. I can FEEL the freedom, Laura!!!

Go you!!!!!

:yourock:

:bounce:

:hug:

[NuttyFluffers]

11. how wonderful! must be liberating to disconnect from abuse.

family like that needs to be visited while staying in a hotel/motel room. that way you can say hi, have dinner, and leave ASAP (or as soon as the first neurotic lecture starts). once you place the standard that you WILL NOT stand for such nonsense, it's interesting how quickly people change their tune -- either to sufferable OR completely insufferable. it makes choices to see them later easier.

have a wonderful vacation and keep to your guns. it's your life, too, so some people can just kiss off. :hug:

[davsand]

13. My husband asked me about Christmas before he went this time.

I think he was testing the waters to see just how firm I was with my refusal to deal with it. I did tell him that I'd consider an overnight in a hotel at Christmas but that was the ONLY way I'll be going back there. He hemmed and hawed that he wasn't sure we'll have the money for a hotel. My response was it was ok if we didn't--I am willing to give it a miss if the money isn't there. (See? I can be understanding!)

:evilgrin:

I think my husband is hoping I'll relent after this. What he hasn't seemed to realize is that this was a long time coming--it was not just a knee jerk reaction to a one time thing. I'm not gonna go into all that family history, but dysfunctional is a pretty benign way to describe some of it.

I think I'll be much happier keeping it at a distance.



Laura

[orleans]

25. it seems like you're always going to *his* family

for holidays

what about your family?

maybe go be with *your* side of the family for christmas and if he still wants to drive over and see his dad then he can--while you hang out at your mom's.

??

[Ricochet21]

14. Good for you DS

Thanks be to Uranus!

It's gonna get better and better after 12/5 too!

Enjoy your freedom and breathing.... :hi:

[davsand]

15. so, it wasn't the conjunction of my galactic chainsaw in the house of Lilith?

It was just Uranus? Just a planet? Gee, I kinda liked my version--sounded catchy and maybe a little daring...

:hi:



Laura

[Ricochet21]

16. Even if it were a flying marble

I'm glad it worked out for you! :hi:

[Name removed]

17. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[FirstLight]

18. rock ON, sistah!

I kind of did something similar with my family this year...
decided to stay nearer to home and with my 'spirit family'...drank as much as i wanted without my mother saying 'you know that makes you fat'...let my kids run like kids should, and play with their friends, hung out with my other hippie mommas & friends and their cool mom and family...partied and ate and had a blast.
Didn't go to my sister's house which is always so clean it makes you paranoid...and the kids have to be *so* proper, didn't have to hear her fundie husband and my dad spouting the Beckitudes and Fox gospel...didn't have to worry that i was being judged the whole time and itching to go home...

who knew is right!
My family isnt as screwed up as your hubbys, but it is definitely AWESOME to CHOOSE your JOY!
:hug: :yourock:

[Cleita]

20. Good for you!

There is no need to endure toxic relatives unless you really have to. You are going to feel much better about yourself in the future.

[mysticalchick]

21. You step right on into that power girly!

And feel how nice it is! Good for you! :) I'm glad you were able to speak up and how it turned out so nicely for you.

No one needs that in their life and if your husband CHOOSES it, that's on him. (Bless his heart and I say that in the loving way, not the hateful way.)

[Celebration]

23. a weekend by yourself is something to be treasured

It sounds wonderful.

Oh, and holidays with his family sound dreadful! Difficult enough to attend a dinner, but add spending the night there too?

If is FIL is getting elderly, realize that the "dirty old man" thing is far more than a myth. The way you described it, I think his wiring is a bit crossed. Creepy.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

24. That's excellent! Congratulations on your walking away!

I had a major problem with DH's family when we would go to OKC. We started dating in 94.

His father was senile, and his stepmom wouldn't do anything to get him help. We went to see them at xmas of '95 and were absolutely horrified and traumatized over how bad off his dad was. I eventually had to anonymously call the state hotline to get help for senior citizens. I found out in my own family, if you try to help your aging parents they think you are meddling and trying to get their money. My mother later became senile with Alzheimer's and threatened me with legal action for driving her car. I got a nasty letter from her lawyer. It didn't matter that she could not drive, due to her macular degeneration, and didn't drive, and paid a lady to take her to the doctor. The important thing was to prevent me from using her car.

Then his dad died in the summer of '96 and after the funeral from hell, a bunch of the elderly relatives would go off like volcanoes unexpectedly. One grumpuncle damn near bit off DH's head because he mentioned "New Orleans".

It was so bad that every time we drove north on I-35 and crossed the Red River, I would start shaking and crying. My mind was telling me from past experience that "We're going to Oklahoma so I will be yelled at, insulted and humiliated and I WILL FEEL LIKE A TRAPPED RAT."

In 2000 I got in a screaming match with DH's son's wife and they were both screaming batshit crazy fundies. We ran out of the house with our suitcases in tow, after said fundie's wife hit me in the shoulder with her fist and I told her to fuck off, after a couple of hours of being told I was going to hell, and various other insults. I would have gone after her in a fight, except that DH's son is about six foot four and could easily control me. He has since divorced her and decided he doesn't believe in God anymore. My response: Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, it's tough when ya gotta find your own way.

Finally in 2004 we went to DH's high school reunion and I got to meet a lot of very nice classmates of his. So the traumatic reaction to entering Oklahoma stopped after that. However, between 1995 and 2004 I didn't have very many good memories from up there.

Now, most of the grumpy old people have either died or they are in CA where I don't have to interact with them. I think the only way to have in laws that approve of you is for them to be dead. Now that we are the older generation, the in law problem has been solved.

DH's sister knew I had a problem with the screaming relatives. She has since seen me in my own house in Houston, and also visited me in East Texas. She figured out that I would not be a crying wreck if I was in my own house, in my own environment.

[WolverineDG]

26. Takes a lot of guts to walk away like that

but it is so freeing, isn't it? I love your "galactic chainsaw" image. I too got tired of playing the family mind games with a few relatives (mostly incredibly controlling S-I-Ls) & finally dumped my old job where similar passive-aggressive mind games (& worse) had been going on for years (takes me a while to get the hint). Now everyone's all "Where's DG? She's the only one who could handle this. Waah." pfft...should have thought about that when you were dumping on me all the time.....now I'm poor as a church mouse, but getting enough $ to pay the bills, so that plus not having to deal with the BS = a win in my book! :)

Best of luck to you & I hope hubby sees the light soon!

dg

[WhiteTara]

27. Yeah! Davsand

You are free! You never have to go back! Now maybe you can create your own holiday rituals!
Blessed Be!

[get the red out]

28. Good for you!

No one should put up with that kind of abuse, and there is no other word for it, ABUSE! Constant humiliation is devistating. For years I limited contact with my own parents because of my Mother viewed the use of humiliating and degrading comments as simply responsible parenting (even to adult children). My Dad, bless his soul in heaven, was just like your husband, trying to talk the more rational thinking person into accepting it and not making waves (because there really is no talking to the person causing the problem, they cannot have adult conversation about the matter).

I am glad you have made this stand, it is a good thing for your daughter to see as well, she will know that being treated like this is just unacceptable. In the culture I come from when a person treats others in this fashion people just try harder to please them and keep the peace, to hell with whoever gets hurt. That's not emotionally healthy.