3. The work continues, and light becomes visible at the end of the tunnel.
4. Success and riding the wave of the successful PL cleansing. PL has been assimilated! You are now more powerful and self-reliant, (or you have failed greatly and become a shell of what you "used to be." This is quite rare but sadly does occur.)
Okay, Here is where I am grokking on your points here...
First, finally it seemed like I was at #3 and getting stuff done-- clearing out enormous amounts of stuff physical/nonphysical, developing a plan, etc. #4 Seemed just in my reach, I have been writing, planning a blog and hoped to build up a following, build the foundations of an online presence and business. Continuing with my paring down-- try to sell the stuff I don't wish to give away, get the pictures scanned and uploaded/backed up and passing them on to other family etc. We (my husband and I) have been making plans to move -- I would put the house up after ds graduates, and until then, tie up all kinds of little issues with the house to make it ready, all different things that ds needs to be ready to go away to school (license, car, job etc.). get the possessions down to what will fill a POD for storage etc. etc. We plan to ultimately lead location independent lifestyles until we find somewhere we really like and want to stay. But first, plan to live in small apt. by my Mom who has a chronic illness, Doc says she is fragile.
So, to ensure I can have the funds for student driving course, car, graduation expenses, and student housing.....
I had talked to a manager about getting quals to fill on some of the many shifts they seemed to require staff for despite not "needing to hire" anyone. I found I needed for this because our shifts were cut back (leaving me wanting 2 shifts per pay period). I had decided "okay, I'll do this again-- I'll get back on the floor, deal with that stress etc. because at least then I'll be able to pay for xyz, tuition for my kid etc. Believe it or not, I was actually looking forward to it.
Well, my boss calls me in and basically tells me the cost of my needed training can't be absorbed by our department and there isn't likely a manager of a unit that would be willing to take on that cost considering I am only looking for a couple shifts per week (I was willing to up it to more shifts and be available fulltime for whatever training they felt I needed to do). Plus she asked me straight out if I had plans to move in the future with my husband working out of state. I'm an honest person so answered honestly. I told her that I planned to put my house on the market in the summer however, I did not expect that it would sell quickly, houses in my area tend to take about a year to sell. She conlcues that I could likely leave in the summer because she read some article stating real estate was doing better??? (puff pieces on the real estate market in our local newspaper). I tried to counter that with making the point about market sectors and the category of real estate--- the number she was quoting was too general to make the conclusion she made and our township is raising taxes by 9.8% etc. but she did not want to hear what I had to say. So basically, the hospital does not believe I am worth the investment of "training" (why I need to "train" for something I have done for 10 years is mind boggling) the critical training I would need would be the core-- cardiac telemetry. But this hospital like most all hospitals is very entrenched in the way they do things and will not consider alternate approaches. ANYway....
I felt pretty miserable about this. In addition, my energy level has been down the past 10 days and instead of being energized and sorting and culling, I have felt more a need to hold on to things. (where did that come from?). I feel like I have lost my momentum. With the 10 tons of snow falling, and relative socio-political shit flying, all I want to do is curl up with a good book and shut out the world. And I think I'm getting a cold. After the talk with my boss, suddenly I sense the negative aspect of Level 4 and trying to avoid it.
I am hoping this door being shut is not emblematic of my ability to get work when I move down to Tennessee. I am 45 and perhaps they don't want to invest in training me because I am older? I don't know why it should matter. Most nurses are in their middle age. Or maybe, I should take it that I've been there, done that and it is time I do what I really should-- write scads more. Work on wellness coaching and creativity/home cottage type stuff. I guess I feel discouraged right now because I am concerned my husband will be upset about my work situation, I'm feeling kind of down in the dumps and unmotivated. I know what I have to do but am having terrible difficulty in pushing myself to do it.
I suspect this month is a tough one. Usually after Christmas I always feel a great energy to clean up and get things together. I wonder if this is a merc retrograde issue or something bigger r/t Capricorn/Saturn? That light at the end of the tunnel? It seems dimmer now.
Well, I thank anyone who is reading it and able to sort through my rambling jumbled state of my life here.